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I did it. I cut them off(37 Posts)
Bit of background. I'm the black sheep. No real reason. I just am. I'm chatty, not career minded ;m(I'm a SAHM but not a penny in benefits if that counts at all) and sensitive whereas my family are.... different.
Dad is hard and can be nasty. He lives 300 miles away so not a huge issue there. I keep in touch, he acts annoyed, I get upset, he acts like I'm pathetic, and I still punish myself by attempting to make contact.
It's a bit different now as he is dying so he's less mean and is more willing to make conversation with me while we both have the chance. He has never approved of me but I've always sought his affection and approval. That's on me.
Mum is a complete narcissist who despite living 5 minutes away has never once popped over to see me or the grandkids even though she's in and out if my village all day long for anything from shopping to picking up takeaways. She takes no interest in anything but her, her DH, her friends and her real passion, her ponies. Fine. I hold my tongue when she posts those million -all for show- stupid FB memes about "if your grandkids mean the world to you...." shite.
DSis is just plain old nasty. Scathing and rude. (Every time we speak I envisage Nanny Plum and her "don't give a shit if I offend you" attitude). She's a put downer. Acts like every time I reach out to have a familial relationship I'm just annoying her and inconveniencing her. She still expects the phone calls and contact but will make me feel like shit every time I do.
So....I've done it.
My FB is deactivated and DSis's number blocked. I'm no longer chasing mum and I'll reduce calling dad to once a week until he passes.
I have my own family with my loving husband and fucking awesome three kids. I don't need to try and keep up a relationship with people who make no effort keeping one with me.
Wish me luck, guys. I need to be strong and not slip back into my old ways of contacting "family". It's doing terrible things to my self-worth.
Sounds brave and heavenly.. good luck and well done .
Look after you and yours ❤.. you'll feel much better for it
Good luck. You will feel all the better for it.
Sounds like you are the good guy in a family of stinkers. I’m sad your family is like this but so pleased you’ve had the strength to detach and that you have made a fantastic family of your own without repeating those mistakes.
Good for you. I’d let your dad call you. It sounds like you’ve made enough effort with them all.
Good for you OP. I think there are so many societal expectations around family and being there for each other no matter what, taking crap " coz they're family" and it is often very toxic. A word that sounds fitting for your family.
Focus now on the gorgeous family you have made because life's too short to live it making others happy and getting nothing in return.
Best wishes for the future and a very un mumsnet-y hug for you
The nanny plum comment made me laugh! Well done op, you'll feel better for it. I wish I had the guts to do the same
Well done, I really think and hope that you will feel better for it.
I have gone low contact with my mum - she often messages me, about herself but I only see her once every couple of months or so despite her living five minutes away. That's manageable for me.
I have no contact with my sister, after years of bending over backwards to try and keep her happy. It was never enough. She threw a tantrum at our sisters wedding. I blocked her and her husband on all social media and their phone numbers too. It's almost a year now and although I really miss her children, it's been so nice to not see her. It's made me realise how toxic the relationship was and my mental health has been so much better for it.
It sounds like you have tried and that you have thought things through. Sometimes stopping yourself from being a doormat is the only answer. Enjoy your lovely family and don't feel guilty for putting them (and yourself) first
As long as it's not emotionally draining for you, I think it's actually a good idea to keep calling your Dad weekly, if he's dying and if he is being a better person with you than has been in the past. It may be easier for you to accept and process his passing, if you've given him every chance to rebuild a little bit of a bridge with you.
For the rest, I wish you courage and strength and resolve.
I did an internal cheer for you, op. Well done you! Here's to a toxic free future, congratulations 🎉🥂
Good for you, best thing I’ve ever done with zero regrets
Well done. We've have chronic toxicity both sides and have experienced ten years of freedom from them. Our lives have been so much happier and stress free since going totally NC. You will experience guilt and possibly painful isolation. People will tell you family is everything but having those relationships just to sully those feelings isn't worth the price of the detriment of mental health.
You will also start to realise that a lot of people suffer the same way but we all have to put a front on of 'happy families'. We tried all routes of reconciliation but failed.
Well done, pop over to the stately homes thread on relationships for people who have experienced similar
Good for you! I've done it and it's hard to feel like your the bad, /UR one now and every now and again you might get the urge to try again with them, but just remind yourself of how you feel now and think of what you are really missing with them. It can be easy to romanticise things in hindsight but it's unlikely they'll ever change.
Good luck OP and it sounds like you have a wonderful family in your DH and DC to support you
Good for you. I'm in a similar position. I've decided I'm not getting in touch with certain family members anymore. It's been a week and I'm happier and calmer already. I'm just focusing on myself, DH and my three dc. I remember my fil once saying that you need to treat some people like mushrooms, keep them in the dark and feed them shit. Lol.
Thanks all. I'm still going to be keeping in touch with dad. Times running out fast and I'll regret not doing so. He's much better than he was and I think it's because he knows I need it. I still probably don't meet his expectations but that's fine. I quit trying to earn his respect when, funnily enough, I learned he was a Trump supporter. Honestly. Something that daft made my view of him change. I figured that the image of a man I needed to look up to was actually my error.
DSis can just piss off though. I don't know why I chase a relationship with her. She has my niece and nephew but sadly niece has picked up some of DSis's attitude and can be quite cutting despite only being 10. (Again, speaking like an even ruder Nanny Plum). I'll still send the DNs gifts and cards and I won't ignore any calls from niece but I'm not making effort with her mum. Tbh I wonder if DSis will even realise her number is blocked.
Just keep in mind it’s about protecting yourself emotionally (which you have every right to do and which only you can judge how best to do it) rather than anything they may or may not have done. Otherwise you may find yourself going back and forth in your head about whether or not they ‘deserved’ to be cut off and whether you’re a terrible person for doing so. It’s not about what they deserve, it’s about what you deserve, which is peace. I hope you get it.
Could you occasionally pop in and update this thread? I think it would be very supportive for people struggling to do the same thing and your bravery and courage will inspire them x
I have no advice to give but for what’s its worth I haven’t spoken to my family in 17 years, I was sick of being the one who’s good enough when times are tough but I don’t see anyone when things are going good for them and tough for me. What I would like to know is what does DSis mean? I know it’s probably obvious but I have no idea 😂
Well done. That's a mighty weight off your back. Enjoy your liberation 💐
Honestly, you've done the right thing and you will feel better.
I cut my abusive mother off years ago, and my brother and his awful wife went next. It was totally worth it. Life is too short to spend time on toxic family members.
Argh! Bloody iPhone. I've blocked Sister and she managed to call? Admittedly she needed to because dad's just been taken to hospital and it was important but why the hell is my mobile against me? Now I need to google why she can still get through.
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