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*Trigger warning* Slightly suicidal / Depressive thoughts (feel like it’s all fairly trivial)

(6 Posts)
ZaphodBeeblerox Sun 14-Jun-20 22:58:27

I’m sorry for taking up anyone’s time - I’m just feeling a bit low and rather than boring anyone IRL I thought if someone has time to reply to my trivial worries it might be nicer; and it’ll help to have my thoughts down in one place.

I have a young toddler, lockdown has been tough. All my family are overseas so no chance of seeing any of them any time soon.
I’ve always been mildly depressive; was diagnosed with post partum depression and anxiety after my child was born, had some therapy which helped.

I keep reading stories of people losing their mums and wondering what will happen to my child if I’m not around. She has a wonderful dad and wider family so this isn’t a logistical question. It seems so self centred given that people are actually losing their mums, and I wouldn’t mention it to anyone IRL. I wonder if I’m just being attention seeking and dramatic. Or slightly suicidal.

I really do love my child more than my heart can bear and wouldn’t do anything to myself. I had frequent suicidal thoughts as a very young child (6/7/8 - all the way through really) and I think it was just a way of self pity or attention seeking - although I never actually told anyone else. I’d just lie awake at night imagining the world after I died and feeling very sad for myself, and similar thoughts are recurring now.

I guess I’m asking if others have experienced similar? Am I just being a self indulgent wuss and I need to snap out of it?

My husband and I are struggling in the lockdown. Tempers are fraying, and we’ve been arguing a fair bit. I still love him and he’s a good man, hands on dad, and there’s no abuse. We’ve just had another row so I’m upset otherwise I also can think of warm things to say about him.

I’ve also had two miscarriages over the lockdown, making it four in total since last summer. I’m fat. I’m feeling really sorry for myself, but I’m also just feeling like I’m this superficial self centred vile person for feeling sorry for myself when so many people are suffering in the world.

Sorry for such a long long rant. Thank you if you got this far.

OP’s posts: |
EffYouSeeKaye Sun 14-Jun-20 23:21:13

Ah bless you, op. It’s a very difficult time, particularly with a toddler and family far away. Whatever your thoughts and feelings, they are normal and valid because they are yours.

If you are struggling with them, though, and feeling unhappy then you need some support. Who feels like a good person to talk these feelings through with, in your life? Someone you can skype / call / meet for a walk outdoors?

The current state of isolation and restrictions on us all can make these normal feelings seem overwhelming at times. Perhaps you need some support, some balance in your life and a positive focus to help you through. It’s okay to need a little help, it’s strong and brave to ask for it.

BloodiedButUnbowed Sun 14-Jun-20 23:32:47

Firstly, I’m so sorry about your miscarriages - that’s a lot to go through during lockdown, which has been a particularly weird and disconcerting time.

I think I’d consider it normal to be having the kinds of feelings you describe at this time, given as you say you’ve got some history of those thoughts. I’ve had similar and I suppose in my case I’d describe them as a kind of intrusive set of thoughts, sometimes obsessive - the way that you sometimes probe a broken filling with your tongue until it’s smoothed down.

I understand that you don’t plan to act on them, but I don’t think there would be any harm in having a quick chat with your GP. The only reason I say that is because when I get these thoughts I have learnt that they are a little warning sign that I need to do something around my mental health before I start getting more depressed.

As for you calling yourself self-centred and superficial!! Tchah. Certainly not, you’re absolutely allowed to feel sorry for yourself. You’ve had a shitty time and just because there are other people who may have had a shittier time doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel low! I REALLY understand what you mean as my mental health crashed really badly at the start of lockdown and I said exactly what you said - called myself self-centred. But I was wrong and so are you, to judge yourself that way. Try to think of yourself with as much compassion and love as you feel for your daughter. If your husband told you he felt low would you call him superficial or self centred? No! So please, please, give yourself just as much compassion as you’d give to others you love. You deserve it!!

ZaphodBeeblerox Mon 15-Jun-20 07:36:40

Thank you. I’ve just been wailing in front of my toddler and then feeling worse that I’m scarring her for life. I don’t even really know why I’m upset - I think it’s just all getting to me a bit.

Somehow when the lockdown was in full force it felt like everyone is in this together. Now that it’s lifting slowly, others go back to offices, others are out meeting friends and family, others are moving on sort of, and I’m just stuck at home. We do go out occasionally and see some close friends, but people rarely check in on me - I’m always the insecure one who does all the heavy lifting in friendships.

I’m tired of holding it all together and appearing like this perfect sociable mum and person and just feel like I’m heading for a breakdown. But also I don’t really have the space or time for one - and I know this feeling - I just power through and eventually I suppose it’ll get better. I’ve also just started my period which always makes me emotional.

I just can’t seem to stop weeping and I don’t know what I’m weeping for.

OP’s posts: |
ZaphodBeeblerox Sat 12-Sep-20 07:20:25

I realise it has been 3 months since I posted this and things haven’t gotten much better.

I had one private therapy session but I was feeling good that week and it didn’t really make a difference. Now things are opening up again and DH is back in the office and my child is back at school and I am still stuck.

I’m feeling like life is fairly pointless for me. From a young age I feel like I’ve had so many mental struggles. I’ve always had a privileged childhood, went to great schools and colleges and grad schools, had a fancy job.. but every time something good has happened it seems like it goes wrong for me. I met my wonderful DH on what was essentially a blind date and had a lovely courtship, but our wedding was completely marred by a parent’s terminal illness and tremendous bad feeling between the families. (I’m not being self centred about the loss of his parent.. it was heart breaking.. just saying that having thought about a wedding from a young age I never imagined it would be such a fraught and sad day).

I wanted kids for so long and then had such a heartbreaking stillbirth at term that even getting pregnant again meant everything was marred by anxiety.

Basically I feel like my karma is all wrong and the universe is telling me to get fucked.

I wanted to get married, have a baby, have a big home for all our families to come visit, finish a big academic degree.

And on paper all of this has happened (or is close to happening) but it’s like it’s all been granted by a particularly nasty genie.

Ok you can get married but it will be such a sad day that no one will remember your anniversaries, no one will ever want to see your wedding picture, and the whole time and subject will be so painful to your in laws that it becomes taboo.

Or you can have a child but after losing one and so no happy baby shower or joyful scan photos for you just loads of anxiety and fear.

Or you can have your dream home but then covid and absolutely no one can come and visit you or enjoy it. And we’ll make sure you’re forcibly stuck in there for so long that you begin to hate it.

Or you can get close to your academic dream but the whole process will be so painful with pregnancy, loss, pregnancy, struggles with childcare etc that you won’t be able to work well, you won’t go to conferences, you won’t get anything happy or positive from it and will just be barely holding on and miserable.

Sigh. Is it just my attitude.
I wish I could have just given up at 20 and said this life is not for me and just called it quits.

But now I have a young child and losing a mum when you’re so young can have a horrible impact on them especially if it’s to suicide so I know it would be a terribly selfish thing. And even my miserable shell of a self mum is better than no mum when you’re so young.

I wonder if I should just give up on happiness instead and just get through it till I die. Like there is no point seeking happiness because anytime I do anything I get just given a big old ass kicking by the universe.

And I know others have bigger problems and I’m a whingy bitch about mine but I really do hate almost everything about myself so we can add this to the list.

I don’t know if anyone even has any suggestions. I don’t want any more therapy - I’ve had therapy for years and even the small imrpvovements don’t stuck long term.

OP’s posts: |
PloptheBarnOwl Sat 12-Sep-20 11:27:26

I saw your post first thing this morning but have only just had the chance to sit down and write back. I am so sorry the joy feels sucked out of life at the moment. You sound so hard on yourself, and that can't be easy to manage. It's not what you want to hear, but I am wondering if it's not that all therapy is wrong for you, but that it's a case of wrong type of therapy/ wrong therapist? Would a course of anti-depressants help to lift your mood enough to give you the will to look into what would work for you? I am also very hard on myself, and therapy gave me the insight to see that that was in large part down to attachment issues when I was very young. That had given me a certain mindset that frames the way I react to everything. It of course will be different for you, but you deserve to come out of the valley to the top of the next hill, and then you will look down on how far you have come. Be kind to yourself.

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