Argh my own husband doesn't agree that he's racist

[Chaotic45]

Here to vent!

My husband remarked on a sad piece of news that a white business owner had been brutally attacked attacked by 4 black men as he tried to board up his business in the USA.

His comment was along the lines of "and they wonder why black men have a reputation for being trouble makers".

My response was that just because 4 men who happened to be black did that- it has no bearing on black men in general.

DH thought I was being over sensitive. I said that had the violence been carried out by 4 white men, 4 ginger haired women, 4 old men with beards then he wouldn't see this as saying that any of these groups were trouble makers based in their appearance.

DH doesn't get it. He says I'm over sensitive and jumping on the bandwagon. He's a good man, but he's racist isn't he, in which case I guess he's not such a good man.

[bluejelly]

Yes, he's being racist.

[Namechangewhy]

Yes racist. Even his comments that you are ‘over sensitive’ and ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ are racist. There are a few documentaries that might explain things to him. I couldn’t be with someone who was casually racist like this

[IWillNotNameTheTree]

He’s racist.

[mbosnz]

Have you ever met someone that is prepared to call themselves a racist? I have. They were not a racist. But they were into educating themselves, and second guessing themselves. It was after quite a bit of soul searching.

[Gilead]

So sorry, you married a racist. Do try to help him.

[Chaotic45]

@Namechangewhy can you remember any of the documentaries or know if anything else that he could read?

He's apologised. I think my ginger haired person analogy helped. I want to help change his thought process but it is for me hard to explain somehow.

[windowmystery]

If he's interested in the history of racism in america "13th" on Netflix was really interesting. We watched it this week.

[blankethog]

13
When they see us
Who killed malcom X
Explained: the racial wealth gap.
All good series to watch and all available on Netflix to educate people on white privilege and racism.
It's casual racism, there's no excuse for it but if he's not willing to educate himself on the matter then he's not a good man

[Namechangewhy]

@Chaotic45, the suggestions that
@windowmystery and @blankethog made are good.
Glad he’s apologised but an apology is easy - see if he’s open to spending his time watching and reading and educating himself on this to really open his mind. Really hope so

[Porpoises]

He's a good man, but he's racist isn't he, in which case I guess he's not such a good man.

I think most white people who grow up in our society are to some extent racist. I include myself in that. The rationalisations that were used to justify slavery and empire seeped into British culture, and didn't just disappear when those things ended. The key is to keep learning more and becoming less racist.

Glad he has apologised and is open to discussing it.

The implicit bias test is interesting and potentially eye-opening, it shows whether you have a subconscious preference for a particular race. implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html

[changeuser]

Did you just make a post about being ginger OP it’s disappeared

[blankethog]

Agree with @porpoises
I found it quite uncomfortable educating myself on racism to be honest and it's not a nice feeling but it's absolutely necessary for a better society

[KenDodd]

I think most white people who grow up in our society are to some extent racist.

I would actually go further than this and include ALL people. We're all sexist as well. Just close your eyes and imagine a pilot. It's not our fault though, we're shaped by the society we're raised in. This isn't an excuse by the way, it doesn't give us a free pass. We just need to think harder about our views and actions and we have a duty to try our best to right things, or at least improve them.

[Yester]

I agree. I think everyone is slightly racist and has to fight. We have been exposed to years of insipid racism from the media, the film industry, tv shows and an inherent fear of the other. It takes a bit of work to appreciate that and work through it.

[KenDodd]

And I also have never met a racist who thinks they're racist. And I know a lot of proper 'they should all fuck off home' racists.

[Karenista]

No one wants to hear they’re racist.
Agree with pp that all white people are conditioned by society to be racist. That’s how while people got so powerful.
In the words of Maya Angelou “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better”.
Keep challenging racism when we see it, even in ourselves.

[Porpoises]

We have been exposed to years of insipid racism from the media, the film industry, tv shows and an inherent fear of the other Agree with this @Yester. I try to counterbalance it sometimes by seeking out films that are written and directed by people of colour. Just having ethnic minority characters, or being about civil rights issues, isn't enough to make films antiracist, as they could still be stereotyped or have white saviour tropes going on.

[Porpoises]

I like that Maya Angelou quote @karenista. Do you know what context it came from? Google is just returning reams of inspirational quote sites.

[Karenista]

I’m afraid not @Porpoises, if I do find out, I’ll report back.

[BubblyBluePebbles]

Yes, he's racist. Well done for speaking up and checking him. Did he apologise for being racist and/or for saying that you are being over sensitive and jumping on the bandwagon?
There's a wealth of resources out there, IF people want to educate themselves.

[Bufferingkisses]

I read this yesterday. It is very good at explaining microagression and the sort of racism your husband is showing. it explains how that racism is inbred in many ways making it very hard to see, particularly in yourself.

books.google.co.uk/books/about/So_You_Want_to_Talk_About_Race.html?id=f3mRDwAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&redir_esc=y

[onlinelinda]

He really is racist.

[BubblyBluePebbles]

Try reading this title:
'Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People About Race'
Book by Reni Eddo-Lodge

[Inappropriatefemale]

In the US then statistically blacks are more likely to be criminals, and that’s not me saying this for my own opinion, it’s me saying this as I’ve read this info and seen it said, maybe your DH is coming from this sort of stats to make this remark?

[Inappropriatefemale]

@KenDodd ‘fuck off home’ remarks are xenophobic rather than racist, it gets said about many EEs, mostly Polish and Romanians & they’re all white so not racism.