I have just finished bullying my 7 year old son

[LaCitrouille]

I’m feeling like the most awful mother on earth at the moment. My 7 year old used to be a star. A textbook good boy. Always praised by friends and teachers. He’s turning into a nightmare recently. Told someone in school last month that He will punch them in the face! When the teacher rang I was shocked and sick of what I heard. His behaviour is deteriorating and the terrible attitudes are showing up every day.

I’ve been trying to analyse and find a different way to correct his behaviour, I’m listening to all videos and podcasts on positive parenting. Whenever I’m out I’m always getting him a treat to encourage the good behaviour. Made time to play with him and spend quality time. Lots and lots of praise and compliments. I have another 1.5 year old who’s really really hard work too. I still didn’t recover from PND and I push myself to keep calm and not yell. But I do . I yell a lot. I hate myself for it. I grew up in an abusive household and I DO NOT WANT the same for my children. I should be in control and should stay calm, but why I’m not.

Yesterday I was feeding my toddler and I knew there are so many chores that need to be done, I sat my DS for 15 mins and told him that He will need to do the SPaG set by the teacher, reminded him about all the necessary rules, locked the door so his brother doesn’t disturb him. I kept on asking if he’s finding it accessible and him telling me yes. 90 minutes after, I found he did only 1 page. There are 7 more. He doesn’t care. He went on online games instead as I’ve already deleted all the games on the iPad. I yelled and screamed and went upstairs crying for a good 30 minutes. Why the hell can’t I just put him in time out rather than ruining the rest of my day?

He came up and apologised to me non stop. He wrote a letter telling me that he will focus and do the school work and and and ... Today we checked and the teacher set him 10 pages of maths, 6 Spag and 2 writings... all accessible and fair for his level. I reminded him about his promise and sat next to him while entertaining his little brother. He worked and answered the full page speedily. I left him with his dad who works at night and needs to rest so he can barely look after DS2 and is generally crap at homework anyway. I went out for a walk and walked in the supermarket, when I got back I found out that he did literally nothing! I was hoping that he’d finish the maths at least then we can have a break and do something fun. I lost my shit! I discovered that he can go on the App Store and download the deleted games without a password. I told him that I’m so disappointed and definitely not proud of him. I told him that I wish such and such were my children instead. I was mean and rude and awful. I told him that he’s a liar and a sneaky one. I said horrible things now my ears are about the explode. I’m disgusted of myself. He cried a lot but I carried on and on and now I regret it and I don’t know how to repair the damage.

[LaCitrouille]

I gave him a snack and told him to go to his room for an hour. Please give me ideas and tips on how to repair the damage. I hate my father for he used to constantly make me feel not good enough. I don’t want my child to hate me!

[3xmother]

Maybe you should just give him a break from homework for couple of days...
He will have a break, you can have a break
Good luck 🤞

[Bottomplasters]

I always love bomb, I apologise and if I was out of order tell them that. Then love them and love some more and I try to have compassion for myself. We are all just Mussolini through coping in the best way we can

[Heygirlheyboy]

Talk to him and retell him you handled it all wrong, that you didn't mean those things and you shouldn't have said them. What you meant to say was XYZ.... that you can see it's too tempting to be on his own with the ipad for work so you'll both need to find a solution so he can get his work done and then he can xyz.. I really feel for you, and him. Apologise and show him how to handle mistakes

[PaddingtonStation]

Just give him a break from homework. It’s weird times and huge amounts are being expected of kids at the moment.

It’s obviously not on for him to be doing stuff online that you’re not aware of though and could be dangerous. I think you’ll just have to sit and watch/ help him do his homework from now on to ensure he’s not doing other things.

[PamelaPupkin]

Apologise to him and try to get a grip. Poor little boy.

[Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear]

At 7 I would expect him to need supervision to do homework to be honest. For now I think you need to stop the homework and focus on doing some nice, calm activities together.

[PaddingtonStation]

bottomplasters brilliant typo

[Thesearmsofmine]

Breath. Go and apologise to him.

You are expecting too much of a 7 year old if you are leaving him alone on tech to do work, 7 is very young and of course he will get bored and distracted. Of course he shouldn’t download games but he also shouldn’t be left unsupervised and given the opportunity . That isn’t his fault. Is the school work compulsory? It sounds like they are sending quite a lot for a young and I would be looking at learning in other ways instead.

[Lordfrontpaw]

Don’t be too hard on yourself - we are all only human. It’s a weird world we are in now and everyone is out of sorts.

I’d speak to him - say you were wrong to say XYZ as this isn’t how you should behave, However... you were very disappointed by his behaviour and thought he would have done as asked (and not fibbed). Ask why he didn’t do it - was it too much/too hard? I’d ‘lose’ the iPad - a kid that age won’t have the willpower to avoid it! How long are the work sessions you have set him - he won’t have a long attention span at that age and leaving him to his own devices won’t end well!

Why do you think his behaviour at school has changed?

[Redcrayons]

Apologise to him. Tell him you are feeling the stress and you took it out on him and what you said was unacceptable.
90 minutes of homework is too much in one go, especially for a 7 year old. Try doing 20 minute chunks and spread it out throughout the day.

[titchy]

You left him on his own, in a locked room, for 90 mins and expected him to do 7 pages of homework?! Fuck me your expectations are way too high for a 7 year old. Blame yourself - you set him up to fail and he did.

20 mins at a time, with you sat in the same room as him while you do something quiet with the other child or they nap. At the end of the 20 mins you all have a break regardless.

[inwood]

Did I read that right - you locked him in his room to do homework??

[pjani]

Sounds really tough! I recommend reading ‘the book you wish your parents had read’ by philippa perry. I found it very helpful, it’s about trying to remember things that happened in your own childhood, how you felt at the time, and why you might be triggered more than others.

In particular when your own child is the same age as you were. I wonder what was going on for you at 7?

[Iggly]

You need to apologise.

And you need to take responsibility for your behaviour and accept that actually it wasn’t right. It sounded awful.

I know where you’re coming from as many times I’ve acted appallingly and it’s my issue. So I’ve taken a lot of steps to address my problems with my upbringing.

Your ds is only 7. He needs that supervision with his school work, and he needs your positive love and attention.

Everyone is struggling with being isolated from friends and family and no least your child. He’ll be affected by the events going on and I have no doubt this impacts his behaviour.

Be kind to him and to yourself.

[Lordfrontpaw]

Family movie and popcorn is always a nice treat. Try to have some relaxation time - I know it’s hard with a little one as well but you need it.

[CheriLittlebottom]

I wouldn't go too far the other way out of guilt, OP. He has been a little shit and from the comment you made about his behaviour at school this isn't new behaviour due to lockdown. If you grovel for forgiveness he will see only that you were wrong, and he was right.

Sit with him. Explain that you shouldn't have shouted at him so much and that you are sorry for that, but he cannot act in the way he has been doing and expect no consequences. Give him the actual consequences (i.e. not the bollocking). Can you take the iPad away until Monday? Tell him you are disappointed and that he needs to do better with his school work and his chores so that the whole family can get along together in this tough time. Sit with him and make a schedule to help him manage his time.

Don't beat yourself. If you're in the habit of yelling at him then yes, that's awful. But a one off? Sometimes it's good for kids to know adults have limits too.

[Iggly]

Sounds really tough! I recommend reading ‘the book you wish your parents had read’ by philippa perry. I found it very helpful, it’s about trying to remember things that happened in your own childhood, how you felt at the time, and why you might be triggered more than others

^i second this. The book is excellent

[Zacromagnons]

Jesus.

You smacked him, screamed at him, and locked him in the room?

You need reporting.

[Rocketmam]

I told him that I’m so disappointed and definitely not proud of him. I told him that I wish such and such were my children instead. I was mean and rude and awful. I told him that he’s a liar and a sneaky one. I said horrible things now my ears are about the explode. I’m disgusted of myself. He cried a lot but I carried on and on and now I regret it and I don’t know how to repair the damage.

Well I think it is clear why your son is having behavioural problems, you are emotionally abusing him.

I had a mother like this. I say 'had' because I have refused to see her for over a decade and call mil 'mum' now.

Most posters here will hold your hand and say it's fine, we all lose our tempers sometimes. But that isn't what you did. You mentalky dismantled that poor child. And I fucking won't hold your hand because I know what it is like at the other end of it.

You need to grow the fuck up. Running away crying when you don't get your own way and then viciously verbally attacking a child, who depends on you for love and support, and emotionally destroying him...

Apologise. Profusely. And never do it again.

If not, I hope he ditches you as soon as he can.

[CheriLittlebottom]

Oh and yes, definitely break up the school work, he can't do 90 minutes. 20-30 max, and then a little break when you check what he's done, see if he needs help, give him a sticker if he's done well.

[Daet]

I’m sorry you’re finding it so difficult at the minute LaCitrouille. I think tempers are fraying all over the place under these horrible circumstances.

Personally, I would ease back on the school work for now. My dc are adult so I don’t know if your son has deadlines he needs to meet. If not - I’d suggest you stop for a few days. Use the time to talk to him, play with him, reassure him, get him involved in helping you with your toddler. That might make him feel important and grown up and useful. You say you’ve already apologised to him, that you’ve been looking at instructional videos on YouTube, that you’ve been lavishing him with praise - all good things.

I know that it’s hard to look at the bigger picture - I remember when my eldest ds was about 3 he had a habit of cuddling children, and then leaning on them until they fell over! He was big for his age. I was distraught and rang the hv, vowed to never take this bully out again, cried to my Dh etc. I thought I had this monster on my hands. Guess what - I didn’t! And neither do you.

Did you talk to him about the punching incident? What actually happened? Can your dp get more involved?

[Kittykat93]

Poor kid. He's seven years old ffs not 14. You need to apologise and start treating him a bit more nicely

[CoronaIsComing]

Erm where do I start with this?

You locked a 7 year old in a room for 90 minutes without so much as checking on him?

You expected him to do 10 pages of maths?

You went out for a walk instead of helping him and left him with his dad who you knew as tired from working nights?

You made him feel unwanted and unloved by telling him you wished someone else was your child instead?

you locked a 7 year old in a room on his own for 90 minutes

Actually seeing all that back, surely this can’t be real.