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Fucking massive wake up call

(34 Posts)
SingleSidedShoulderShrug Sun 16-Feb-20 21:51:38

7 years I've been with my H. I'm 28. We're having a bit of a hard patch at the moment and I'm living back with my parents because I'm dealing with my mental health and I want to sort that out.

I sat there tonight listening to him on the phone talking about if we get through this, if we get back together and I thought fuck me ive got no one. I've somehow managed to only have mutual friends and all his family have pulled rank now so they're ignoring me. I always loved my mil. My sil (not his sister) has told him everything I've ever whinged about during lunches.. I'm in the middle of nowhere struggling with my mental health and I have have 1 friend that isn't intertwined with him.

I do hope we can get through it, of course I do. But I'm not going to go back the same person, I'm going to get myself fitter, healthier, better with finances and I'm going to join some bloody groups! I want my own friends.

I really want to block his family on social media but I know it will cause issues.

I'm really worried that he wouldn't want to reconcile and I'm stuck here forever, I love him so much but obviously I can't force him to be with me.

Anyone else had a wake up call?

Greatcheeser Sun 16-Feb-20 21:58:00

Hear what you're saying, but you can do all that without him. Why do I think he and his family aren't going to like it if you want a bit of independence...and what got you to this point of worrying about your mental health ...him & his sister?

Fluffycloudland77 Sun 16-Feb-20 22:03:13

The sil is a grade A bitch.

Does he understand your ill?.

SingleSidedShoulderShrug Sun 16-Feb-20 22:06:37

No, the reason I'm struggling with my mental health is because I have ptsd, I reported a sexual assault and it all got a bit much. I am going to join a couple of meet-up events down here when I'm in a space I can do it.

I'm so angry with my sil :/ silly cow. I'll never tell her anything personal ever again. In fact if we do get through it's probably best if he sees his family alone

Fluffycloudland77 Sun 16-Feb-20 22:17:10

I hope your seeing your dr for the ptsd.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages Sun 16-Feb-20 22:30:06

Perhaps having some couples counselling, in addition to help for your own mental health needs, would be beneficial?

SingleSidedShoulderShrug Sun 16-Feb-20 22:32:58

I have a psychiatrist

justasking111 Sun 16-Feb-20 22:42:30

How long ago was the assault?

gamerwidow Sun 16-Feb-20 22:57:40

It's very hard what you're going through and I hope you get the help you need. You can't really be angry at his family and his friends for taking his side and being loyal to him. It's not your fault but they will see the effect your PTSD is taking on him rather than the effect on you because he is the one they are closest too. It is painful for you I understand but this wake up call should be to find your own friends not to shut out his family for having his best interests at heart. Don't burn your bridges, you'll regret it when you do make your relationship work. What are your family like, are they supporting you? I hope you have someone there to look after you right now.

MrsP2015 Sun 16-Feb-20 23:07:49

Oh hun, everything happens for a reason. Even the shit stuff.

Have you had help with your ptsd/ past?

Not nearly the same as what you're suffering but wanted to share that for 15 years I had a group of so called friends that 1 by one showed their true colours through a direct fall out with me or a situation they created that I wasn't accepting of over about a 2-3 year period. I'm friends with 2 of them now that's it. When I had dd I got out to as many baby groups as I could and I have now got some very good, true honest friends. As time goes on we change/ they change and sometimes the changes aren't compatible.
Maybe join a group or 2 like you say- it's the hardest thing at first but gets easier.

I really hope you feel better soon.

lilmishap Sun 16-Feb-20 23:17:47

Is muting, unfollowing or hiding them an option on SM?

Jossina Sun 16-Feb-20 23:43:31

Was he the man you first were with after your sexual assault? If so, that may be clouding your judgement about him. You were quite young when you married. He may just not be the one. Or you may have grown out of him.

PyongyangKipperbang Mon 17-Feb-20 00:37:13

I find it interesting that as part of your healing journey, you need to be away from him and his family. I wonder if everything with him is a healthy as it should be. Maybe something to discuss with your therapist.

PyongyangKipperbang Mon 17-Feb-20 00:42:32

And FWIW in my family a seperation doesnt mean we close ranks and ignore. So that says a lot about the family "normal" they have, none of it good. When my aunt and uncle divorced she still came to family parties, and she loaned her professional catering supplies to him and his new wife for their wedding! She was included in the family processional following both my grandparents coffins at their funerals, she walked with the second wife as Uncle was pall bearer, as he was with her parents. Thats how proper grown ups do it.

I cant help thinking your instinct has woken up to something before your conscious mind has and is acting to protect you.

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 17-Feb-20 01:47:09

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. It totally isn’t normal to close ranks and side with one person in this sort of context imo. You have mental health issues, your dh is struggling with your issues, too, yes. Nice, normal adults would want to help both of you. If they were proper grown ups, why would they do anything, which could make you feel worse? Your mil should care about you even if you don’t reconcile with your husband. Your sil is a bitch.

I’m not from a normal family btw. But this is how I think it should be.

Bluerussian Mon 17-Feb-20 02:04:24

flowers

KittyTsui Mon 17-Feb-20 02:57:40

"I really want to block his family on social media but I know it will cause issues."

On Facebook you can 'un-follow' instead of blocking them. You can also restrict posts so they can message you, look at your wall, but not see your posts (unless you want them to). It will also mean you don't see their posts (unless you go to their page).

Not sure about insta, other platforms. I have a SIL that drove me nuts, constantly wanting to borrow money from DH whilst posting pictures from first class aircraft lounges blah blah. Unfollowing her was the best thing for my head space ever.

AmICrazyorWhat2 Mon 17-Feb-20 02:58:01

Finding out who really cares when the chips are down can be a massive shock, OP, did you see the recent thread from a cancer sufferer:
AIBU-I-have-cancer-and-feel-let-down-by-two-best-friends?

I think you have the right idea to get out there and make some of your own friends, not just mutual ones. Retaining your own sense of identity is really important when you're in a relationship, you're an individual, not just one half of a couple.

Re. His family closing ranks. I'm going to disagree with @Mummyoflittledragon and say that unfortunately, this is all too common in families. It's not nice and it's not mature, but parents and siblings often see their own child/sibling as their priority, not the spouse. I had a similar experience in my 20's when my Mum died - my PIL didn't even acknowledge it, let alone offer support. It was a huge wake-up call as I realised that I can never rely on them for anything, only my DH can. Years later, they're not even that bothered about their grandchildren!

It's horrible, but it's a life lesson, OP. Go out and make your own support network, make yourself strong and face things on your own terms. You can be compassionate towards other people and behave far better than they are. flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 17-Feb-20 06:04:35

Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this and have been so badly let down by people you thought cared about you!

Can I ask what prompted you to go back to your parents? Did you have a row, or are you on a break, or did you go because you were feeling so unwell with the PTSD?

TheMaddHugger Tue 18-Feb-20 02:54:44

Soft ((((((((Madd Hugs))))))))

SingleSidedShoulderShrug Tue 18-Feb-20 12:47:57

@ThumbWitchesAbroad we had an argument, I felt suicidal and went missing. So now I need to work on my mental health. I spoke to him on Sunday and he's very much of the view that he needs time to decide if he can get over what I did and whether he can forgive me or not. If he can't then we get a divorce.

I'm so sad about the whole thing. I'm lucky in that my parents are allowing me to stay as long as I need but I'm struggling to fill my days. It feels a bit like limbo land.. I love him but obviously I've hurt him. I'm going home (to our house) on Friday to see my psychiatrist and I'm not sure if I should empty the house of my things because we're about to complete on a house in the next month and it doesn't feel fair to let him move my stuff..

Travis1 Tue 18-Feb-20 13:34:32

Hang on, you had a breakdown, were suicidal and went missing because of said breakdown and he has to decide if he is going to forgive you? WTF?

How has he been with you since the sexual assault and whilst you've been seeing the psychiatrist? HOnestly it sounds like he is making things worse, I mean why did he have to tell you what yor SIL said? That was unneeded.

SingleSidedShoulderShrug Tue 18-Feb-20 13:44:39

@Travis1 yeah he's not the most sympathetic person, he wasn't with me when I was assaulted but he's the one who suggested I report it and it's gone a bit to shit since then.

I don't know why I had to know what my sil said about me, I'm so pissed off she decided to tell him everything I'd ever said about our marriage. She also decided to tell him random shit I've ever said so when we were at lunch once she made a comment about my dress because I'd made an effort and I said 'oh I just wanted to make a change and improve how I feel about myself so it might improve my relationship..'

That became '*you told single to dress more feminine.. or that's what she told me*' honestly I'm so angry with her

CuriousaboutSamphire Tue 18-Feb-20 13:59:54

he's very much of the view that he needs time to decide if he can get over what I did and whether he can forgive me or not. Rgight. So he's told you who he really is... tell him to fuck off!

SIL can be tod to fuck off too! What the hel was she thinking?

To give you balance: I was raped when younger. My bf then stood by me, went to court with me, supported me through all the gossiping and bitching and has been my DH for 30+ years. THAT is what happens when someone loves you and can hear you.

That lost of things you want to do? It's called living well. Give it a whirl, you'll enjoy it.

Let him do as he chooses - but he doesn't get to choose your life for you!

Mummyzzz044 Tue 18-Feb-20 14:06:57

Your marriage vows..

"For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health."

Remind him of that

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