Was I Right in Reporting Inappropriate Sales Staff Behaviour??

[RockinHippy]

I can't face AIBU as I'm feeling pretty fragile already about ongoing issues with DD massively minimising unacceptable behaviour from men towards her & it scaring me to death for her as she's more angry with me, than she is with the sleaze bags harassing her.


Last night a chat over her photography assignment revealed that she won't go to a particular photography shop anymore because a staff member, who she describes as being at least in his 30s targets her as soon as she goes into the shop & has repeatedly asked her out, insisted on her phone number when paying etc. She felt very uncomfortable with this as
A. Her student card puts her age at between 16-18, so he knows she's young, but does it anyway.
B. He's also targeted other same age girls she knows
C.The nature of the shop means that she will need to give phone numbers/address at times, which she's now very uncomfortable with due to this guy.

Apart from the obvious anger that he's making her feel this way, this is by far the cheapest local shop for camera stuff & photo processing. Meaning it's costing us more. Conversation was left as, "I'll sort it out"


So I've messaged the company this morning explaining that they are losing custom due to what I feel is quite predatory behaviour towards young girls by a member of staff old enough to know better. Received a very positive response thanking me for reporting it as they as a company take behaviour of this sort very seriously & will address it with a staff meeting.


I've just told DD & she's absolutely gone ballistic. I have no right as she's an adult & it's not my call to report it - she isn't an adult yet. I've now made things worse as he'll know it's her, he won't plus lots of screaming at me that she hates me & wont ever talk to me or trust me again.


Was I right to report, DH certainly thinks so, but the way she has kicked off has shaken us both

[Hayb24]

I think you have done the right thing.

He is in his 30s and continuously asking girls half his age out. It's not right and it's not professional on his behalf

Your daughter may just be really concerned that he will know it's her and he may say something to her if she ever goes back into the shop again?

Hope your daughter calms soon and sees you were looking out for her x

[BigButtons]

Absolutely you were, well done. I hope he gets the sack.

[Hayb24]

A lot of people don't see an issue with age differences but I think that 16-18 is still a young teen and for a man in his 30s to try it on is just really strange. He needs to find someone closer to his own age!

[Herringbone31]

Absolutely done the right thing

However. Given her reaction. Are you sure there’s been no threatening texts or phone calls to her from him?

[cuckooken]

I think you did the right thing but not quite in the right way iykwim. Discussing what you were going to do and why with your DD would have worked better. Aside from anything else, do you know she is telling the truth? She might have been giving an excuse for her assignment not being up to scratch thinking it would go no further, letting her know you were going to email would have given her the opportunity to clarify if needed. I think going ahead and making a complaint without telling her is a bit of an over step.

[Nofoolfornoone]

You were absolutely right. It’s your job as a parent to protect her. And it’s her job as a teenager to not know how to handle her emotions and take it out on you. Which is tough.
You did the right thing. When she’s calmed down have a chat with her. Explain you didn’t give names and you were doing it as there are other girls who also need protecting as no one should feel uncomfortable going into shop because of another persons actions.
You did the right thing.
And also praise her for stopping going in there and telling you. She’s sensible and that’s great

[Sparklingbrook]

I agree with @cuckooken. I would have talked it through with DD a bit more before doing anything.

[karencantobe]

I don't think you were right. By this age I think you need to have a discussion and talk about you contacting the shop to complain, and get agreement for this course of action.
She is a young adult and treating her as a child is simply more likely to lead to her not telling you things. This makes her more vulnerable.

[Hidingtonothing]

Absolutely right to report OP, DD is too young and naive to have the bigger picture but the more we report this shit the more likely we are to stamp it out. I'm sorry DD has kicked off but this isn't just about her, what about all the other young women not brave enough (or who don't have a mother who is!) to say anything? It's also not fair on the business, DD (and probably others) are being put off using their services and those higher up may well be completely unaware that this employee is driving customers away. You've done the right thing and I would just stick to your guns with DD, she doesn't have to like it but it was the right thing to do

[karencantobe]

I really recommend this book OP.

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Teens-will-Listen/dp/1853408573?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Waterandlemonjuice]

You were right but my dd had ago at me for even having a conversation with her about something similar, she said “you’re making me feel like I’m a target” - yep, because you are.

I hate, hate, hate that young women and girls are consistently preyed upon and as a feminist and older woman I’m happy to call it out but I understand that younger women are sometimes fearful of doing so.

I think you set a good example, you did the right thing and no, teens are not always going to like what we do but that’s too bad, frankly, we are their parents and sometimes we will make decisions they don’t like.

I reported a boy in dd’s class for inappropriate remarks and my dd wasn’t happy but I think i was right to do it, he was told off and stopped doing it. She is 16 btw.

[Branleuse]

Tell your dd to wind her neck in. That you get that its awkward, but as her mother its literally your job to protect her, and that guy is clearly a sleazy paedo, and if she doesnt want it reported for herself, then it still needs reporting for the other girls snd to please stop speaking to you like some sort of arsehole

[Waterandlemonjuice]

And the inappropriate remarks in my dd’s case were about the size of girls breasts and other sexual innuendo. She didn’t want me to report it but I did. So did another mum as her dd had also told her the same thing.

[Waterandlemonjuice]

BtwI have sometimes apologised to dd anyway (when I’ve gone ahead and she hasn’t agreed) because I do get that she feels it’s embarrassing and I remember being a teenage girl. The difference is that I didn’t tell my mum anything so I am grateful that my relationship with my dd is better. I want it to stay that way so I do my best to listen to her POV too.

[karencantobe]

I had a mother who always did what she thought she should and ignored my views. I just stopped telling her about things that happened. Because I could not trust her to take into account my views.

I think parenting someone who is 16-18 should be very different from parenting someone who is 13. But some parents don't agree,

[Waterandlemonjuice]

@karencantobe, I agree, hence my post just now. It’s a fine line we’re all walking!

[karencantobe]

Yes it is tough. Which is why I recommended that book. I think the role should be one more of guidance and support, rather than dictating - except in extreme circumstances.

[Herocomplex]

I’d encourage her to talk to her course tutor as well and let them know what’s been happening in the shop.

When she’s calmer talk to her about how shame is used by predatory men to exploit women. How no one should feel they need to accommodate this type of behaviour, and that there are people who will support her.

I agree you need to earn her trust so she confides in you, and listen to her.

I understand your rage though. Dreadful behaviour from an entitled man.

[PinkMonkeyBird]

I'd have done the same. You did the right thing.

[FancyForgetting]

Exactly what Herocomplex said, more succinctly than I could!

Strongly disagree with a PP that ‘He needs to find someone closer to his own age!’ though - no, he needs to stop harassing customers, full-stop!

[followingonfromthat]

To be honest, in the same situation, I would have found a random excuse to go into the shop 30 seconds or so before your dd went in, and just hang around browsing. Then listen to what happens. Then step in and tell him to leave her alone and he is not to speak to your child in that way.

Using the word 'child' frightens the shit out them.

[LochJessMonster]

Is she 16 or 18?

I don't think you went about this the right way. She may now not tell you things in the future.

[seltaeb]

You were absolutely right. Stand firm with your DH and just keep asserting your role as parents to keep her safe.

[KeepThosePlatesSpinning]

OP, when she's calmed down, point out that this man will no longer be in the wretched shop when she's next in there, so won't know / make known who he thinks "told on him". If he's done it to her, he's done it to other young women; it could have been any of them, or anyone in the shop who overheard him pestering his customers hitherto.

[peachgreen]

Was she definitely telling the complete truth about it? Her reaction seems a bit excessive.