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Disgusting lie from my past has caught up with me

(279 Posts)
NameChango Sat 25-Jan-20 15:52:55

To start with I'm not making any excuses, when I was younger I was a pathological liar. I'm not even sure why, I think a lot of it was attention seeking, trying to make my life sound more interesting and it got out of hand. It got to a point the lies would come out before I'd even realised. Over the years I got caught out on many a white lie, even the most pointless little details, I simply couldn't keep up with my own lies and I lost many friends and relationships due to it. Totally deserved. Around 20 I hit rock bottom and realised I had a problem, I seeked counselling, got help with my anxiety and made a vow to not say anything that isn't both truthful and kind. That thought process is so engrained in my mind I still think of it almost daily, and I've not told a single lie, even the tiniest harmless one in a decade. I'm a different person, I'm engaged, I have a gorgeous baby. I'm truly happy.

However, as bad as the many white lies were. I told some massive, horrific ones that still haunt me to remember. The main one was that I claimed to a friend that I was sexually assaulted. I was 13 and the story I made up was horrific. I won't go into details but it was a disgusting thing to lie about and I'm truly ashamed. I didn't frame anyone, it was a made up situation with a made up person. I told the lie once and realised I'd ducked up and when I was ever asked about it again I just said I didn't want to talk about it. I never had the decency to admit it was a lie.

The old friend I told this to 17 years ago and I had totally lost touch for over a decade. I cut off pretty much everyone from my childhood, who hadn't already done so to me, to escape from the shame I guess. However my fiancé works with her now husband, I didn't know until he said to me this morning that he wishes I had told him. I asked him what he wished I'd told him and he said that his work friends wife's sent her well wishes to me, would love to catch up, and had apparently said she's glad to here I overcame the brutal assault and have a lovely family, said that it's always haunted her what I went through and she finds it hard to forget. He's asked to speak tonight after I said to him that I didn't want to talk about it.

I'm fucked. I wish I could go back in time and apologise. I wish I could. Back then I deserved everything I got, and I got a lot. I lost everything and everyone and isolated myself entirely for years until I slowly built a new life, as a new person. How can I tell my fiancé that I told such a vile lie. I could lose my entire family. But I promised I would never tell another lie, and I can't get away with repeatedly saying I don't want to talk about it.

Please no judgement, I'm as disgusted as you will be reading this, but I am a totally different person now and I just don't know what to do. 17 years is a long time and I just don't know how to fix it. Any advice would be brilliant.

I've changed my name, out of sheer shame. I'm sorry to any survivors of any sexual assaults reading this for belittling what you went through. I was a stupid young girl.

dudsville Sat 25-Jan-20 15:56:49

You were 13 when you said it, too young to fully understand all of the ramifications of such a lie, you used to have a problem with lying but have worked on this. It's ok, you just need to explain yourself.

ThePlantsitter Sat 25-Jan-20 15:58:34

17 years is a long time. 13 is very young.

You have had counselling and you will know there are things in your past that made you behave like that then I'm sure. But honestly, be kind to yourself.

Come completely clean to your fiancé. Yes, it was a dreadful thing to do, but it was a long time ago and you're really sorry. You have to trust in his reaction. You can't make the same mistake again and lie to him about it. You're a good person who made many mistakes but you were going and you are sorry. flowers

nicslackey Sat 25-Jan-20 16:00:04

You are being too harsh on yourself. I think you should be honest with your fiance. If he is decent, he may be shocked but will apppreciate how you have turned your life around. It would be so tempting to lie your way out of this so feel proud of yourself for sticking to your resolve. I hope your fiance can just say (presenting a united front) to the husband that neither of you wish this to br brought up again so you can all move on. Best of luck.

ThatsWotSheSaid Sat 25-Jan-20 16:00:59

I think you have to come clean. You were 13 I don’t think he’ll hold it against you. But it will haunt you if you lie.

Modestandatinybitsexy Sat 25-Jan-20 16:01:00

I do believe you've changed and a decade of honesty proves that. I think the only way forward is being honest with your DH. You were young and stupid, 13 is really young. I think as you had never perpetuated this lie your DH might find it difficult to understand but your current character should speak for you.

As for your friend 1) she had no idea of your DH knew and it's a shady thing to pass on a message of that sort through him 2) I would just pass on similar well wishes and leave it there. If she pushes the issue just restate you don't want to talk about it. There's currently no friendship there to link you and will just stir up painful things from the past for both of you.

NancyDrewCrew Sat 25-Jan-20 16:01:58

That is not the kind of message you'd verbally pass on via your husband to someone else's husband's partner.
You might pass on a letter but verbal message like that, nope.

iklboo Sat 25-Jan-20 16:02:16

Work friend's wife also overstepped massively telling her husband something like that. What if it HAD been true but you'd decided you didn't want to speak of it again?

SpanishTiles Sat 25-Jan-20 16:03:03

Seems a bizarre thing for her to bring up anyway who would do that?!

lamalama Sat 25-Jan-20 16:03:31

As others have said tell your partner the truth.

As for your old friend....leave the past in the past...and move on.

slipperywhensparticus Sat 25-Jan-20 16:03:54

Who talks about this stuff at work?

Violetparis Sat 25-Jan-20 16:05:43

I wouldn't lie but would play it down and say it was something ridiculous you said at 13 when you were being a teenage drama queen wanting attention and leave it at that.

GreenTulips Sat 25-Jan-20 16:05:50

Sounds like the wife is storing up Tirunelveli. Who asks a question like that? Who asks their husband to ask yours?

Tell you DP she’s obviously mistaken or confused.

SpanishTiles Sat 25-Jan-20 16:07:07

Tell you DP she’s obviously mistaken or confused
No, that's just another lie!

Ivysaurus Sat 25-Jan-20 16:07:19

How bizarre for her to bring it up like that to other people. Don't be too harsh on yourself, you can't change the past. I think I wouldn't own up to the old friend but I would come clean to DH and say you were just a child making up stories for attention and sincerely regret it

Neednewwellies Sat 25-Jan-20 16:08:05

You were a 13yr old child. Tell your fiancé that it wasn’t true but at that time you were really struggling at home and craving attention and a small lie escalated into a whopper. There is no need to go into the full details of your past. No need to panic him.

I find it very odd that she would tell her husband who would then tell your husband. If such a horrific ordeal had been disclosed to me I’d never dream of passing it on like that and even if I’d shared the details with my husband I’d make sure that he categorically didn’t mention it to yours. Are you sure she believed you and is not gently reminding you that she remembers the lie?

icelollycraving Sat 25-Jan-20 16:08:36

What kind of person tells their husband that to pass on in a message?

Soffy Sat 25-Jan-20 16:09:01

Who the hello would pass on a message like that?hmm

Onlyforthis2 Sat 25-Jan-20 16:09:44

Show him this thread. You've worded yourself well and explained it all. Then you can discuss it on a level where you have got accross everything you need to. Otherwise there will be interruptions which are then misinterpreted and you'll forget to say everything you want to

scotlandtobali Sat 25-Jan-20 16:10:33

I think you've done well to admit you were wrong and are now mature and made a conscious effort to turn yourself back on the lies. I think it was inappropriate for her to convey that message to you via husbands. That is sensitive info- I would not have mentioned it to anyone but you if I was the long lost friend?

NameChango Sat 25-Jan-20 16:10:37

It was at their works do, apparently him and his work friend were drunk and outside having a smoke just the two of them and he said about how his wife knew me, sends her wishes. Then said that she'd always remembered the brutal attack and was happy to see I'd overcome it. I don't know whether it was something he was meant to say, or something she'd said to him and he let slip, but either way it's out there now. My fiancé has been trying to find a way to bring it up ever since apparently, and it all just spilled out this morning. I'm just in shock, I'm supposed to get married in a month. What if this ruins everything I've worked so hard to build.

BettyAll1 Sat 25-Jan-20 16:10:43

Just show your fiancé what you’ve written here in your post. We’ve all done stupid things when we were younger and you’ve taken big steps to get to where you are now. You shouldn’t feel ashamed.

Herocomplex Sat 25-Jan-20 16:11:21

You’ve lived with shame now for too long, it’s time to put it down. I’m so sorry that this has caught up with you again when you’ve worked hard to change.

I’m really shocked that your friends husband would bring up such a personal piece of information with your husband though. But it’s done now.

There’s nothing else for it but to tell the truth. More lies will just make it worse.

You are far from alone though. I hope your therapist helped you to understand your motivations for lying. Good luck with it all.

Ginkypig Sat 25-Jan-20 16:13:03

While it is a disgusting thing to lie about, you know that and while you can't change it you have done lots of work on yourself and seem to understand how badly you behaved. I do feel for this person that it has stayed with them all these years but
What does stand out to me is this friend sharing what if had been true a horrific private experience! How dare she expose you to a loved one like that. If this had been true it's enough to have potentially caused a huge trauma triggered mh crisis.

She is either incredibly insensitive and or malicious or due to your reputation as a liar when younger is using this as a test because she thinks you are a liar.

itsgettingweird Sat 25-Jan-20 16:13:08

I'm another who thinks she massively over stepped the mark telling her DH who told your DH.

But it's done now.

I'd show your DH the OP you've written here. Print it off and hand it to him when he asks.

Then get him to tell his work colleague his wife overstepped sharing personal information and the matter is closed for discussion.

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