Anyone else feel like their life is so small?

[Postpartumconundrums]

Perhaps I'm being ridiculous, or lazy, or something. Recently had DD2, she's a few months old now. Feeling physically well myself and both kids are thankfully happy and healthy. Have a good DP who works hard and is secure financially. But I can't help but feel, for the last few years, that my life is just so small? I have no hobbies anymore, don't really spend time with friends (most don't have kids) apart from the odd night out which I just feel deathly hungover after, which puts me off going out in the first place. Most days I just throw on a tracksuit and do the school run, tidy the house, get some groceries, do nap times, make bottles and so on. I see people up and out walking around our estate (with babies) or buzzing in and out of the house in their cars all day doing things, and I just feel like such a loser. Even when I went back to work after DD1 I remember feeling like I just didn't have a full life. I am not depressed, at least I am almost sure I'm not, because I do love it when I'm out and about and really enjoy chatting to people etc. Just can't seem to even see the point of putting a pair of jeans on when all I do is the childcare slog and end up with Bolognese and spit up all over me anyway.
Do I need to just get over myself and put some effort into living my life and making myself feel good? I have only just turned 30 and really feel like I shouldn't have this mindset at all.

[milliefiori]

It's baby blues. You don;t have to have full-on PND to get them. I remember thinking it was Groundhog Day (great film if you don;t know it) just doing the same thing day in day out.

Sounds like you are feeling ready to make a bit more effort. Make yourself put on good clothes in the morning. Plan, after the school run, to go somewhere interesting, While DC are very young you can go to an art exhibition at a gallery or a mother & child morning screening of a film. I know women who took their young babies to exercise classes or to creative writing groups and just dealt with the baby if they got grizzly.

Tell your DP that you need a bit of adult life and book an evening or weekend class once a week - anything from local zumba or yoga, or a proper course that helps you develop new skills.

Also, start doing fun stuff at weekends as a family. Steam fairs and model railways, woodland walks and beaches, family-friendly music festivals, cycle rides and swims. Bit by bit you get a life back.

[AwfulSomething]

I do, I'm a shiftworker and it is very isolating - and I'm exhausted! It's all about trying to sleep, manic shifts, trying to eat well and exercise.

[Postpartumconundrums]

@millifiori those all sound like great ideas. We do try to do things together as a family on weekends. I bring 3yo DD1 swimming every Saturday morning and then we go for breakfast together and it puts me in such a good mood for the day. I just wish I had something to look forward to when getting up in the morning that would inspire me to put more effort in. I'm at the point where it just feels easier and more "comfortable" to stay at home.

[Meruem]

You need to separate what you "want" to do from what you feel you "should" be doing. Don't compare yourself to other people, think about what makes you happy.

My world was also small when my DC were young but, for me, it was just a life stage. I was ok with that. As they got older things expanded again. However, if you are unhappy there are changes you can make. But make them because you want to, not because you feel you should.

[Flacker]

Do you have any other friends who work part-time or sahms that can meet up during the day? I think that makes a big difference when you're at home on your own with kids. I agree nights out are nice on the odd occasion but I do most of my socialising with friends over lunch/coffee/getting kids together. It really helps to break up the week.

It's so common to neglect your hobbies when you're with a young baby all day, what were you interested in before?

[BuzzShitbagBobbly]

I see people up and out walking around our estate (with babies) or buzzing in and out of the house in their cars all day doing things, and I just feel like such a loser.

I'm at the point where it just feels easier and more "comfortable" to stay at home.

I understand how you feel. Since Tuesday night I have only seen and meaningfully spoken to one person, and that was only because I went into the office. If I hadn't, it'd be zero.

I have heard my next door neighbour come and go at least 6 times today (very noisy car and crying baby!).

I won't go out till tomorrow evening for a gym class and then I don't expect to do anything except domestic stuff till Monday when I am back in the office for another week of the same. It's not unusual by any stretch. I just don't have a social life, period and I recognise your "easier" comment. I go out and see people socially maybe 5-6 times a year at most (birthdays and similar special occasions). Just me and the cats otherwise.

[Postpartumconundrums]

In terms of SAHMs to hang around with, we just moved to a newly built estate in a new-ish area. There are plenty of opportunities to form these friendships, like with the other mums at DD1's nursery who I see every day, I then see them again at birthday parties on weekends every so often and some of them have even had babies recently, so there is plenty in common. I suppose I'm just in too much of a rut to even suggest going for a walk together or whatever, even though some of them actually live in my estate.

[puppymouse]

I felt like this when I had DD. She got to 18 months and I just felt like I wanted to get out, leave DH and change everything. I had no life.

My DM persuaded me to get back into doing something I love and it snowballed. I now have a very full and busy life with time made for sitting on my arse and it's so much better. I realise I'm lucky my family supported me to do this.

[megletthesecond]

Yes. I do the same things all the time (PT working LP). No money to go abroad. No social life.
Life just feels like a hamster wheel 🤷‍♀️.

[MetallicPaints]

Yes, but I like it I've come to terms with it I think, I much prefer time quiet time spent doing things I enjoy, and with my family. We really don't have much of a social life, I will go out with a couple of friends once every month or so, that's it really apart from work and hobbies. It has become easier as my DS have got older, they are 10 and 15 now so I don't feel trapped in the house with them like I did when they were little. I work part time which helps I guess. I'm quite happy really, but lots of people would probably consider me dull

[dottiedodah]

Someone once said its the routine which is a killer ! Can you not go to any NCT coffee mornings ? Maybe meet other Mums there for chats and so on .What about Mum/Baby groups ,usually there is something along these lines .Your baby is still quite young and you are probably feeling a little tired /down as they are hard work and with a LO as well to look after .Maybe if you can a trip to the hairdresser/facial or so on.Also can you get a babysitter just a few hours out can make a difference .Its been a long dark winter and I feel like hibernating too! (A lot older than you!)

[babysnowman]

I feel the same way. I'm on mat leave and could quite happily just chill out at home with the baby in my comfy clothes. But, I've been worrying that I'm missing out on stuff so made myself take her to a class today. While I was there I met someone whose baby is going to be starting in the same nursery at the same time!

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

Does your library to Bounce and Rhyme? That's a fun way to meet other parents.

[Postpartumconundrums]

There are mother and baby groups which I might join over the next while. I did all of that stuff with DD1, and while it's nice to meet other mums and have someone to text/phone when you have questions or need to vent, I don't really feel I need that kind of network this time around as I have experience with all the baby stuff now. And most of the people I befriended last time through those groups (myself included) went back to work and the friendships kind of fizzled.
I know I need to make the effort, both with myself and with building new friendships with other local mums, just finding it difficult to see the point at the moment I guess.

[milliefiori]

OP, I don;t think it matters that those friendships fizzle out. They are definitely friendships that come into your life for a short time and a specific purpose - to help you through those baby years. I had a better social life when DC were toddlers than I do now because I got involved with a very partying group of mums and toddlers. Nowt in common, so we drifted apart but we had fun at the time.

[PanicAndRun]

You describe my life when DD was little. The difference is , I enjoyed it,but I'm a lazy arse. Only made one friend when DD was 1 and a bit, and it mostly stayed that way until she was about 4.

The issue here is that you don't enjoy this. You want and need more. So make the effort, ask someone over for a playdate, arrange a park meeting, get your DH to look after the kids while you do something you enjoy.

[ragged]

I like having a small life.
Tedium is tough, tbf, but this too shall pass.

[Postpartumconundrums]

I think part of me must enjoy just sort of hanging about at home, otherwise I wouldn't be struggling so much to do something about it? Maybe the mothers I see pounding the pavement each day with their buggies are doing so because they need that long walk to cope? I certainly did when DD1 was little, but not so much now. I pop DD2 in the sling and potter around the house doing things, but I just feel like such a sad case when I see others up and about, and I wonder where my motivation to get out and do things has gone. Then when I do go out I feel like I must look an absolute state and just can't wait to get home and hide again!

[Princessleila86]

surely this scenario must have crossed your mind before having children ?

you give up your life to raise theirs, it really is as simple as that , yes its incredibly boring and yes the majority of it is highly unfulfilling but there we are that's the price you pay

i cant understand why people moan about their lifestyles when they willingly signed up for it

[Elbeagle]

you give up your life to raise theirs, it really is as simple as that

Rubbish. I have three young children including a baby and most certainly haven’t ‘given up my life’. I have friends, hobbies, interests etc.
Anyway, the OP isn’t moaning about her life changing since having DC. She has said she’s happy pottering around with the baby. Just wondering whether she should be doing more (with the child in tow) during the day.

[Putapeonyinyourpocket]

Op I hear you, my son is 18 months. I'm the only one out of our friendship group who didn't return to work (I would of liked to but the cost of childcare killed us) I find going for a walk really helps me. To make matters worse I only have car access one day a week so I'm pretty isolated. I did use to go to two local groups but my son has reached that crazy stage and to be honest I get so embarrassed when he kicks off (literally sweating) I know someone said routine is a killer but it works for me. Once my son is three I have made plans to return to work, so I promised myself I'd make the most of this time because I know when he's older I'll miss it.

[Postpartumconundrums]

I would not describe it as "incredibly boring" and "highly unfulfilling" at all. If that's how you see motherhood @Princessleila86 then you may be in a worse headspace than me altogether. I am not moaning about having children. I have been a SAHM, worked part time, worked full time, and now stay at home again on Mat leave. I am fine with all scenarios, but just looking for a way to brighten my mood and get me up and motivated to dress myself properly, and get out and about again.

[whydoihavetogothroughsomuch]

Yup. I struggle with ongoing chronic illness and sometimes my life feels like it's just floating by. I do work part time, but I feel I want to do more, perhaps a yoga class but the fatigue can be so bad sometimes I just have to sleep or rest, it's awful.