16 yr ds taking drugs.

[Spotsbeforemyeyes]

DS is 16, child number 3 of 6. He's in yr 12 of 6th form. We all live together except eldest DD, she's settled and expecting a baby.

DS was badly bullied for around 18 months back in year 7 and 8. I posted about it on here, might have had my old name then. We had police involvement, he was hospitalised several times. No-one was prosecuted although ringleader was cautioned.

We moved him schools in year 8. He's been fine at school although he completely reinvented his past, Denies the bullying ever happened, gave up his world competition level streetdancing and never speaks of it.

About 18 months/2 years ago the ringleader and 6 mates cycled 5 miles to the village next to us looking for him, they assumed we live in the village, we don't. Luckily ds wasn't down the park with his mates who do live in the village that day but they told their parents as the bullies confronted them and told them they had a price on ds Head so make sure to tell him. We called the police and ringleader was visited by police.

Fast forward to summer. We hosted after prom party in our garden, 120 youngsters, we were present as we're 3 other adults. Day after at clean up we found absolutely loads of those cream canister things.

Had stern words with Ds about the idiocy of doing that.

Fast forward to July, a parent sent me a video of my ds, her D's and another friend smoking a bong in a local park.

DS was relieved of his phone, tech etc and grounded. Swore it wouldn't happen again.

Couple months ago found weed in his room whilst putting clothes away, again grounded, tech etc.

Same old, same old.

Today I knew something was up so I questioned my 22 year D's, I could see he was bothered by something. He showed me video evidence of D's and couple of mates snorting something. DS has told me it's mdma but DH has found messages on his phone that suggest it's coke.

I'm curious, I don't know what to do. He says it's not kids at school but people who don't go to the school. Obviously he's grounded but I'm so worried. Drugs scare me so much. He so wants people to like him, he's got such a lot of hidden stuff that never got dealt with. I'm not saying it's ok but I used to be scared of opening his bedroom door in case I found him dead.

DH is downstairs with him now. I'm putting younger kids to bed.

I've never seen my older DS so angry. He was literally shaking when he showed me.

[WifOfBif]

Have you sat down and had a calm conversation with him?

While I’m not saying it’s ok. I dabbled at 16 and I know a lot of my friends did too. My parents ranting and raving wouldn’t have made a difference, I’m wondering if an open and honest discussion might be more helpful?

I’m sorry he’s had such a rough time of it and that you’re having to go through this now.

[Spotsbeforemyeyes]

No. DH is threatening to call the cops and grass everyone up, ds is terrified. 🙁

[Hoolajerry]

I also dabbled in drugs as a teen. Nothing came of it and i am fine now. However your ds strikes me as very vulnerable and that would concern me most. There are people out there that will prey on his vulnerability and he needs to understand that.
I think you need to be calm and speak to him in a frank but adult way. You need him to be honest with you and work with him to understand why he is doing this. He needs to be aware of what path this might take him down and the long-term consequences of that.

[Patroclus]

Actually sounds like he could do with a scare. Its not just the drugs that are a problem here but the stupid dangerous behaviour around it. MDMA and Cocaine are both class A and generally used by the same people so it doesnt really make a difference. Maybe mention having a think about sharing the video with certain people (but dont), do some research then tell him about the risks of the drug and where he thinks hes going from here.

[Patroclus]

I also think you're right, at the root of this is him wanting to be liked.

[GiveHerHellFromUs]

Agreed that he just wants to be liked. It's so sad to read everything he went through.

If DH goes to the police I can imagine he'll lose these friends - I can't see that that's a bad thing but will it send him spiralling into worse behaviour?

Do you think the threat of the police is enough to make him stop?

[Spotsbeforemyeyes]

Thank you for your replies. I'm so scared, DH was lecturing him last night on how ashamed he is, how ds has let us down, how he's not proud of him right now. I had to step in at one point to ask him not to include me when he started saying how ds doesn't care about his sister's etc because I don't want Ds to think that we care more about ourselves than we do him.

In my opinion Ds hasn't let me down, I don't think he doesn't care about us or his sister's. I think that he's got himself involved in something that he doesn't understand fully because he's only 16. He's never seen the dark side of drugs or been told that his friend has overdosed and is dead. This is fun and cool and people are calling him Bro. We need to keep the lines of communication open.

One of the other mums is coming over this morning to chat. We're friends, the boys have been friends since year 4 and were honest with each other about our DC.

Should I contact his school? Maybe there's a pastoral support for his year or something who could chat to him. I'm a bit lost.

Irony is ds works part time. He works in the same place that my eldest dd (24) is a manager, her partner is the manager. They've both told me that D's is good at his job, the customers love him, his co workers like him, he's funny and friendly and a hard worker. He's doing well. People like him for him.

[Spotsbeforemyeyes]

giveherhellfromus ds is terrified that the dealer would come looking for him and he'll be stabbed. I would love to get the police on it but we have no idea who we're dealing with, the person selling to my ds from his car window is likely working with other people above him. We live near to areas where young lads are killed on the streets weekly.

[Fizzypoo]

I'm usually quite free and easy about older teenagers experimenting.

I think because of your ds emotional issues he may be trying to escape and using drugs to be someone he's not. That's the worrying part.

But there's also not a lot you can do - you can frighten him - you can have honest conversations - you can ground him and restrict him but you've already done that and it hasn't worked.

Could you make him do a princes trust course over the holiday, the national citizen ship for the summer and a duke of Edinburgh so he has to volunteer weekly? Bringing him in to communities rather than shouting and ranting at him may help.

[Spotsbeforemyeyes]

fizzypoo I like that idea. I also think it would reinforce to him that people like him.

[Windygate]

Sounds like your DS has got himself involved in a County Lines situation. You know he's buying class a drugs is he also dealing to finance his habit?

[GiveHerHellFromUs]

@Spotsbeforemyeyes yeah I get his fear with regards to the dealer.
Is he buying the drugs himself or is a friend buying them for him?
Is it purely a social thing?
Do the school have a police liaison officer?

@Windygate people throw about 'county lines' because they've heard it on the news. Do you even know what you're talking about?
He doesn't need to deal to fund his 'habit' if he's not a regular user. OP has said that he works. He's still going to school.

[MegaClutterSlut]

I wouldn't go to the police. Imagine if something did happen to him, I couldn't risk it but I would scare him shitless in thinking that if you catch him again you will. I agree with other he sounds vulnerable and trying to fit in

I also dabbled as a teen then stopped but I do know people where they carried on and it got worse for them. My brothers friend died at 17 taking MDMA. Perhaps show him stories, pics of what could happen if he Carrie's on. Next time he might not be so lucky

[Fizzypoo]

@Spotsbeforemyeyes yes and self-esteem and confidence and a different set of friends.

[theworldhasgonecrazy1]

@Windygate don't be so ridiculous. Do you even know what county lines is? Unless he's disappearing off for weeks at a time and has loads of spare money it is highly unlikely that would have anything to do with it. I agree with PP that the experimenting is not so much the issue but his desire to be liked that could end up causing issues. I think the NCS challenge would also be a good idea over summer to get him doing something structured where he can meet other young people outside of his circle.

[theworldhasgonecrazy1]

I also agree that contacting the police is unnecessary and will only cause more issues for your DS

[QueenOfOversharing]

My DS had a tough time when he was younger (he's 21 now) - bullying really affected his self esteem & he is now a very introverted young man. I wish the UK had a "big brother" program like the US - I tried researching to see if I could find anything, esp as DS is only child & dad not involved. Could one of your older children (or DD's partner) maybe start doing something social with him, or involve him in things with them. My feeling with DS at that age, that having an older friend(s) who obvs weren't into drugs might have helped him with his confidence. I never found anyone, sadly.

Wishing you good luck with this!

[Spotsbeforemyeyes]

I have no idea what a County Lines situation is.

Ds has bought directly from a dealer, yes in a scummy deal in a car park with Ds handing money through a car window. He found the dealer by asking people at school and they put him in touch. They communicate through snap chat.

Other friends, primarily 2 other lads both of whom I know, one more so than the other, have also bought from other people and they pool their money and drugs. Both other lads work full time, one as an apprentice, the other for a guy cash in hand.

Dd's partner took ds ice skating after work last week, he's a good guy with 2 brothers, they all work in the same industry and will look out for D's. My older DS was in tears to my eldest dd about how worried he is. Everyone will rally around, they're a solid bunch of young people ranging from 22 to 31. My 22 yr ds also has a few good mates who will rally. They're all shocked. I'm shocked at how quickly it's escalated from weed to class A drugs but I'm not surprised, it's been at the back of my mind since year 8 that he's emotionally vulnerable.

[spiderlight]

I agree with @Fizzypoo and would suggest something like Air Cadets. He can do his Duke of Ed with them, they do lots at weekends that will keep him busy and he'll gain a new set of friends. It has done wonders for my DS's self-esteem. He's a bit younger. again had bullying issues in primary and Y7, but since joining the Air Cadets he seems to have internally risen above it all and is so proud of being a cadet.

[Spotsbeforemyeyes]

spiderlight that's brilliant for your ds. My dd joined air cadets for a while last year but she passed out one evening at drill and started having panic attacks after that. She went back a couple of times but gave it up pretty quickly. She had a few panic attacks on public transport but they petered out.

I've just spoken to head of 6th form and she was lovely. She's going to speak to safeguarding chap, deputy head of school and they'll get back to me. They can certainly offer pastoral support and advice. I'm glad I contacted them. I feel as if I'm doing something.

[spiderlight]

Really glad the school are helping! Sorry about your DD - that must be scary for her.

Fingers crossed that the school can help you get your DS out of this. He clearly has a lovely supportive family on his side.

[Spotsbeforemyeyes]

So school head rang back. They are, with our permission involving an outside agency called something ( I do know but could be identifying as it's our area) who support young people. They'll have a mentor experienced in matters who will come into school. Obviously they can't make ds talk to them but he'll know that we want to help him. Hopefully it's early days although I'm shell shocked at the speed from which it's gone from weed to multiple class A drugs. If we can intervene now with support then I hope to god we can turn this around.

Head and safeguarding head are also going to chat to D's. I've given permission for them to do that.

[Patroclus]

People have bought drugs in villages forever. Yet suddenly it all scary 'county lines'? he media has a lot to answer for.

Id maybe even move if that was an option.

[QueenOfOversharing]

OP you're doing everything you can - I know it must be a huge shock, esp with the fast escalation, but it sounds like he is going to have all this incredible support from this early stage & I am sure that will help.

Fantastic how well your kids are rallying round - I wish we had that.

[Spotsbeforemyeyes]

DH and I have chatted a bit more today. They have season tickets for a football team that they go to, DD, 14 also goes. It's on Saturday so ds is going to be allowed to continue going to it. It's something they do together, have some time away without the younger DC, eat nice food, get back late.

DD is keeping an eye on his comings and goings at work and DH will meet him at the end of his shift to travel home together as the train he gets is quite late. It's keeping an eye on him but something that DH has done before since the place of work is nearby DH office.

Thank you for responses.