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I made a promise and a commitment I feel like I can't fulfil

(28 Posts)
PuppyStuff Mon 02-Dec-19 16:26:23

And it's going to break my friends heart.

I don't want to go into specifics but it was a silly thing to promise. I didn't think it through.

We went through with it and now the reality is overwhelming and there's no one else that can help her.

I just feel so shit. And like the worst friend in the world.

How do you tell someone that you can't do something you said you would, and really hurt a friend that's already in a shitty situation sad

Singlenotsingle Mon 02-Dec-19 16:29:38

You don't tell us much, do you? It just looks like you've wimped out. Better grit your teeth and do it, whatever it is, unless you really want to break your friend's heart.

LochJessMonster Mon 02-Dec-19 16:32:06

You'll just have to tell her, the sooner the better.

If you got railroaded into it, and/or didn't think it through then tell her that, but I think you may have to accept you will lose a friend.

Come up with some helpful alternatives if possible.

(my guess is surrogacy/egg donation)

Longfacenow Mon 02-Dec-19 16:34:30

I think you'll just have to tell her and acknowledge the reality isn't what you anticipated and that with hindsight you didn't prepare enough or weren't aware of xyz (whatever the truth is for you).

I think you have to be prepared that it will break both of your hearts by the sounds of it sadly.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 02-Dec-19 16:36:32

I understand this isn’t helpful, However. That’s why it’s so important not to make promises until you’re 1000% sure you can keep them

HalyardHitch Mon 02-Dec-19 16:37:06

I think you just need to be super honest. Tell her how upset you are to let her down and how much she means to you.

Loveislandaddict Mon 02-Dec-19 16:37:09

“ I think you'll just have to tell her and acknowledge the reality isn't what you anticipated and that with hindsight you didn't prepare enough or weren't aware of xyz (whatever the truth is for you).”


The sooner you tell her, the better, else it will eat away at you. Also, it will give her more time to find an alternative. Maybe point her in the direction of an alternative solution.

PuppyStuff Mon 02-Dec-19 17:24:23

There isn't really an alternative.

It's not egg donation or surrogacy.

It means her giving up something she really wanted to do and I said I would take on the brunt of responsibility because she's not in a situation to. But in reality it's just not feasible

purplecorkheart Mon 02-Dec-19 17:27:19

Without knowing what the promise is, it is hard to advise. Just be honest, explain that when you agreed you genuinely believed you were doing it. But know it is not possible.

MarySidney Mon 02-Dec-19 17:35:08

I think you must tell her as soon as possible, so she can either make other arrangements, or begin to come to terms with the idea that it won't happen.

She might be hurt now, but she'll be more hurt if you delay telling her and she feels you've been stringing her along when you knew it wasn't going to happen.

PuppyStuff Mon 02-Dec-19 17:45:07

Tha ks so much for the advice.

I'm going to talk to her tonight.

MsRomanoff Mon 02-Dec-19 17:46:50

It's best you talk to her

If she is a good friend I would bet she has already picked up on the fact that you are regretting it.

LissJas Mon 02-Dec-19 18:18:30

If you've already gone through with it, what's the problem? Presumably it's a semi-long term thing?

V difficult to advise without knowing specifics.

Be aware it might cost you your friendship.

Pumpkintopf Mon 02-Dec-19 18:30:54

Have you opened a business together or something? Hard to advise without a bit more detail!

patchworkelephant123 Mon 02-Dec-19 18:31:55

Did you agree to be a guarantor?

namina Mon 02-Dec-19 18:32:11

You need to tell her then give her space to be upset and hurt. Hopefully she will understand and forgive you

Loveislandaddict Tue 03-Dec-19 05:48:58

Hope the talk went well.

Di11y Tue 03-Dec-19 06:28:11

is there anyone you can pay to do it instead?

DarkMutterings Tue 03-Dec-19 06:38:50

I think you have to honest, I can't do it because of work / kids / emotionally / financially... don't lie and use an excuse you think she wants to hear. It will always come out in the end.

And it may help if you've some solutions - so depends what it is..
I promised to take you to a medical appointment every week but now realise I can't take that time off work every week - I could help 1 week in 4, but so and so could, shall we ask or a taxi would cost this much and I've checked they'll give us x% discount for a regular booming.
I promised to go to Australia for 6 months holiday of the lifetime - I can't but I'll come with you for the first two weeks to help you settle and make contacts

It's really hard to know with out the specifics or at least an idea of the commitment

GiveHerHellFromUs Tue 03-Dec-19 06:47:38

If it's something she really wants to do but isn't in a position to do, she needs to get herself in a position where she can.

Have you agreed to dog sit or something?

ElluesPichulobu Tue 03-Dec-19 06:53:10

it is impossible to say on the basis of what you posted so far. it depends on how far reaching and how permanent the effects on you would be.

permanently destroying your health?

putting your own life in serious danger?

destroying your financial stability and leaving you in poverty?

actually doing something criminal?

breaking the laws of time and space and bringing about the apocalypse?

inconveniencing yourself so that you miss a family event?

costing you a fair bit more than you wanted but without actually triggering financial ruin?

going through an experience that is emotionally or physically uncomfortable? (but less so than what she will experience if you don't)

also - would the f friend be in the situation they are currently in if you hadn't promised? did they make any decision or commitment on the basis of your promise?

CodenameVillanelle Tue 03-Dec-19 06:55:27

Is it looking after her kids or something? Because she shouldn't expect that even if you agreed, you should always be entitled to back out. Nobody should rely on unrelated people looking after their kids for free.

Goldenchildsmum Tue 03-Dec-19 06:55:26

If it's THIS big a deal, I'm really unclear why you'd offer in the first place unless you were super sure. You must have known it was a big thing to offer?

Loopytiles Tue 03-Dec-19 06:59:30

Not enough info!


Loopytiles Tue 03-Dec-19 06:59:55

Perhaps it’s a horse or pet!

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