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How to explain I'm pissed off without seeming ungrateful.

(94 Posts)
Florencenotflo Fri 22-Nov-19 16:42:53

I'm pissed off with DH but I want to know if I'm being ungrateful or not. It's my 30th Birthday soon, I don't want a big fuss making I hate being the centre of attention. When DH asked what I would like to do, I said I'd like to go out for a meal with all our family. There is a lovely local pub near my mum and dad which has a play area for Dd. Anyway, long story short something else has been planned. I only know snippets because my nan has mentioned something that she wasn't supposed to. I'm guessing a weekend away, possibly with all our family and quite possibly about a 4 hour drive away.

Now while this sounds lovely we have a nearly 4 year old and a 3 month old. A weekend away with those two is a bit of a busmans holiday, same shit different place. But I get how DH will have thought it would be nice so I'll have a lovely time no doubt.

Anyway, today I get a text notification from our bank (some sort of authorisation code) DH has spent nearly £170 on ticket master. He didn't realise the code went to my
Phone number and called me to get it. I asked what it was for, he said my birthday. He doesn't know that the text said ticketmaster on it. I'm pissed off because he asked me the other night if I liked x band. I said no not really, I could probably only name one song of theirs. DH then said "oh I'd love to see them" I said to him that we couldn't afford it right now anyway. I'm on mat leave and money is tight anyway this time of year.

It's really annoyed me. More because there was a band I wanted to see last year, but at £60 a ticket I couldn't justify that amount of money so I didn't go. But he's spent £170 on a band I wouldn't even buy the fucking album of! And it's my birthday present. So I'm meant to be grateful. To him he's bought something thoughtful and expensive and yes we will probably have a nice day together. But £170!!!

I think it's annoying me more because he has a habit of doing things for my birthday that are actually things he wants to do. Last year he took me to a spa for my birthday, which sounds lovely. But I fucking hate spa's and he knows that! And I was pregnant, so
I couldn't use the steam room, sauna etc even if I wanted to. So I spent the two days we were there reading my book in the bar area.

Am I being ungrateful? I really want to ask him to cancel the tickets.

DriftingLeaves Fri 22-Nov-19 16:45:37

You aren't being ungrateful at all. Tell him it's not what you want for your birthday.

He can have them for his next birthday but you want something you actually want.

PuppyMonkey Fri 22-Nov-19 16:45:47

Shouldn’t you check who the tickets are to see first, can you be sure it’s the band you don’t like?confused

CommunistLegoBloc Fri 22-Nov-19 16:45:58

If your husband has spent £170 on a band you explicitly said you didn't want to see, because he wants to see them, then fuck worrying about sounding ungrateful. What a selfish prick.

homemadecommunistrussia Fri 22-Nov-19 16:48:49

Yes you need to be upfront and say you know he's planning something and you really don't want it. Or you could make a plan of you own tell him you are going out with a friend for the day and he can sort the dc. I certainly wouldn't go and see a band I didn't even like just to be polite!

Florencenotflo Fri 22-Nov-19 16:49:22

I will check @PuppyMonkey because you are right I am guessing. But he asked me 2 nights ago if I wanted to see this band. And now he's buying tickets from ticketmaster.

The exact amount was £167.25 the cheapest tickets for this concert are £82.50 each so plus the booking fee... I don't think I'm wrong about who it is he's bought tickets for.

AzerByeBye Fri 22-Nov-19 16:50:39

Are you sure it’s that band?

dontalltalkatonce Fri 22-Nov-19 16:50:57

It's selfish AF to ask someone what they want to do/what they want and then do what suits you and say it's a gift. I wouldn't care about seeming ungrateful, I'd tell him flat out, 'I told you I just wanted a meal. You didn't give a shit and did what you want to do and I don't want to see X , which you also knew. I'm pissed off.'

Celebelly Fri 22-Nov-19 16:51:13

Yeah it's a crap gift and bought for himself, not you. And the spa day sounds like it was just a box-ticking exercise as he couldn't bothered thinking of something you'd actually enjoy.

Winterdaysarehere Fri 22-Nov-19 16:51:42

Tickets always sell on eBay /gumtree....
And tell him casually if he wants a trip away would have to pack for the dc...
Bet he backtracks.

Florencenotflo Fri 22-Nov-19 16:51:54

@DriftingLeaves not a bad idea to say he can have them for his birthday. But it's more than we'd ever spend on a birthday and it's paid for now. His birthday isn't until July so I haven't planned to spend that amount of money right now if you see what I mean. I usually save up for a few months to get DH something.

CherryPlum Fri 22-Nov-19 16:53:02

Pfft, £170 on a band! There's no way in this world I'd pay that amount unless I really really really wanted to see them, had loved them for years and dreamed of seeing them etc. So yeh I'd be pissed off. I don't thonk it's about whether or not you are being grateful. I mean, you can't be grateful for someone going against your wishes. Tell him to get a refund.

PuppyMonkey Fri 22-Nov-19 16:53:27

Oh dear, that does sound like a bit of a coincidence.

I’d just tell him that you don’t want to see that band and see if he can get his money back/sell them on. He’s your DH, surely you can talk about these things?

Florencenotflo Fri 22-Nov-19 16:54:05

I'm not very good at explaining how I feel, and I've been accused of being miserable in the past when I've poo pooed ideas he's had. It's just going to cause an arguement @dontalltalkatonce which I could do without tonight.

AdobeWanKenobi Fri 22-Nov-19 16:55:02

Tell him to get a refund

Ticket sales are final. He'd need to sell them through one of the secondary market sites.

mbosnz Fri 22-Nov-19 16:55:33

I don't think you're being ungrateful, and I do rather think you need to tell your DH your observations of his patterns of behaviour regarding giftgiving and your birthday and just how much it's really getting on your last nerve.

Hanab Fri 22-Nov-19 16:56:13

Ask him outright 🤷🏻‍♀️No use beating around the bush. He can possibly sell the tickets? Then Remind him of your response when asked what YOU wanted for your birthday..

Florencenotflo Fri 22-Nov-19 16:56:28

I'm always the sensible one though @PuppyMonkey thinking about money, baby sitters, packing etc.

DH has always been spontaneous and impulsive. Before we had kids that was lovely, coming home on a Friday to find he'd booked us a night away on the Saturday or a late deal holiday. But money wasn't as much of an issue then as we only had ourselves (and our jobs) to think about.

CherryPlum Fri 22-Nov-19 16:56:46

There's no need for an argument though, you just tell him straight that you know the plan and that you don't want to go, and tell him you feel a bit sad that he did this. How can he argue with that really.

MrsJonesAndMe Fri 22-Nov-19 16:56:48

I would lose my shit if my DH did that (but he wouldn't) don't be scared of sounding ungrateful!

Florencenotflo Fri 22-Nov-19 16:57:30

They seem to be selling fast @AdobeWanKenobi so hopefully we'll get back what he paid for them.

misspiggy19 Fri 22-Nov-19 16:57:40

You don’t even know what the plan is. Stop getting ahead of yourself and just wait and see

PuppyMonkey Fri 22-Nov-19 16:57:49

If he accuses you of being miserable because you don’t want to see a band you don’t like as a special treat on YOUR birthday, erm... LTB.grin

user1494670108 Fri 22-Nov-19 16:58:06

My Dh has form for buying me tickets to bands I don't want to see. I've spelled it out loud and clear and made him sell on last years offering. Being polite wasn't getting me anywhere so I've been crystal clear, including reminding him recently that I want no tickets!!
(For context, it's not a problem financially but he loves live music much More than me and hates buying presents so it ticked two boxes for him I think)

HollowTalk Fri 22-Nov-19 16:59:40

If he's bought tickets for that band I think you should insist on a refund.

As far as the weekend away is concerned, if it's not too late to cancel that, then I'd insist they did that, too. You have very young children - a three month old! Why would you want all the hassle of going away for the weekend?

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