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Help! Overheard DD talking to a friend

(115 Posts)
helpdilema Tue 19-Nov-19 20:26:55

Both year 9. Friend just 14, DD13

I was upstairs and she didn't realise I could hear. She was Skyping her friend who was telling her that she'd just had unprotected "accidental" sex with her 14-15 year old boyfriend. She seemed cheerful about it. DD was horrified, but now the dilemma is "Do I tell friends mum?" DD doesn't know i heard....
We are friendly but not close but I know in her shoes I'd absolutely want to know....

Lulualla Tue 19-Nov-19 20:30:15

Every person will give you a different answer. This has to be a decision you make, because you know the mum and you know the girls.

If it were me, I would tell the mum. And I would also tell to my daughter. I know you've said she's horrified but it's still something to have a conversation about. If the girl is calling it "accidental" then was she pushed into it? Or did they get carried away? She will be having a lot of feelings, and she needs to get emergency contraception ASAP. I would call the mum now.

Juststopit Tue 19-Nov-19 20:31:30

If I was that girls Mum I would want to know. So yes. It may not be true but that needs to be shared. Think of the consequences of a subsequent hidden pregnancy.

AforEffort9 Tue 19-Nov-19 20:45:48

No. I would get DD to encourage her friend to speak to a trusted adult- parent, GP, school nurse, aunt. If she couldnt be persuaded I would contact the school nurse myself to raise my concerns. You dont know what kind of risk you may be putting the girl at if you told her parents.

helpdilema Tue 19-Nov-19 20:56:16

Mum is lovely but strict. We do Pilates together. She grounded her daughter for a week for being AT a party where there was vodka - daughter didn't drink any but mum felt she should have called her to come home the minute she realised...
DD just sworn me to secrecy and told me. So now I know officially. The girl and her boyfriend are massively popular at school and if they find out I told the mum DD likely to be ostracised.
I've just suggested a few places where she could get the MAP (DD sent link) but apparently she won't go to anywhere like that confused

BelleSausage Tue 19-Nov-19 21:02:55

Get DD to tell her that she’s ‘heard a story’ about a girl at another school who is pregnant now after ‘accidental’ sex. In fact she can tell the story of my friend at sixth form who got pregnant at a party underneath a pile of coats without full penetration. It took years to work out how because he kept insisting they had never had sex. He was (technically) correct.

Teenagers are still very much like toddlers and gossipy stories are more likely to get through than parental instruction.

Sad but true.

justilou1 Tue 19-Nov-19 21:04:20

I wouldn’t tell the mum because it may not actually be true. Even if it is, you may be accused or shit-stirring or lying. It would be up there with telling a colleague that her husband is having an affair. Dangerous ground. I would discuss (briefly) the difference between sexual health protection and contraception with your own DD and remind her that you’re always available to take her to GP or clinic to get that sorted if necessary so no uncomfortable conversations need to be had with anyone else.

MusicallyChallenged Tue 19-Nov-19 21:11:31

apparently she won't go to anywhere like that
Or she won't go there alone because it's scary and she's never been anywhere like that before so she won't know what to do or what to ask? Did your DD offer to go with her?

carly2803 Tue 19-Nov-19 21:12:19

oh god this is a tough one.

As a mother, I would want to know. So i think you need to tell the mother,with your daughters knowledge (not behind her back now you "officially" know).
Sooner thanlater, if shes not on the pill and had sex at 14,easily pregnant :/

Beach11 Tue 19-Nov-19 21:13:42

Report it to the school Child Protection Officer. They are train to deal with these situations.

Yetanotherwinter Tue 19-Nov-19 21:16:04

Of course you should tell the mother. She may or may not have had sex. She may not know what sex is exactly (unlikely but not impossible). She may also have been pressured into doing something she didn’t want to. Apart from anything else she can’t legally consent at 14. You have a moral and legal responsibility to tell someone.

Spitsandspots Tue 19-Nov-19 21:17:36

apparently she won't go to anywhere like that

Or she won't go there alone because it's scary and she's never been anywhere like that before so she won't know what to do or what to ask? Did your DD offer to go with her?

Would you offer to go with her in these circumstances op? I guess that’s what this boils down to. DD has sworn you to secrecy, mum is strict but DD ‘s friend has had sex and needs MAP - where do you go from here? School nurse? Do those still exist?

Wallywobbles Tue 19-Nov-19 21:20:41

My stupid stupid 14 yo DD did this with 16yo bf. Didn't tell me for 2 months so I couldn't do anything about it.

Fortunately not pregnant but apparently neither of them knew she could get pregnant with penetration despite him not cuming.

I fucking don't know what she hears when we have these conversations. And the 5 years of sex Ed at school. I'm furious with his mother for not telling me and for not sorting emergency MAP either.

So if I was in your shoes I'd take the girl for the MAP myself. But that's me after my experience.

Doctor has since torn a strip off her and sent her for STD tests.

Pussinboots25 Tue 19-Nov-19 21:43:32

I would say no, these things happen unfortunately and I can only imagine how mortified the girl would be if her mum found out. Maybe speak to your daughter and tell her you over heard the conversation and ask her to encourage her friend to speak to mum herself or get herself checked x

Aridane Tue 19-Nov-19 21:47:10

Doctor has since torn a strip off her

Not sure how helpful that is

helpdilema Tue 19-Nov-19 21:50:25

Ok. We've agreed that dd will ask her if she wants DD to tell me. I'm fond of the girl and she apparently likes me. DD will it mention i know.
I could arrange an emergency appointment and fund the necessary pills if needed although it would have to be after school. However do under 16s need parental permission?
The good (?) news is that it doesn't seem to be forced or coerced - just stupid and far too young.
The worse news is that whilst DD has told no one, she also told another friend who is famously indiscreet so it'll be all over school tomorrow.

Wallywobbles Tue 19-Nov-19 21:54:16

@Aridane for not using condoms and not listening to sex Ed. Why is that not helpful? Sorry being dense.

NegroniOnIce Tue 19-Nov-19 21:57:47

Oh they're popular at school? Well you need to do something about this PDQ.

DareDevil223 Tue 19-Nov-19 22:04:54

The girl and her boyfriend are massively popular at school well of course they are.....

NoSquirrels Tue 19-Nov-19 22:06:01


The best all-round scenario would be DD persuades Friend its OK to let you know, you ensure she gets the MAP & ongoing birth control, and a sympathetic but crystal clear talk about “accidental” sex, pressure & consent and STDs. And then you tell Pilates Mum (under guise of ‘have you considered it might be wise to talk to DD about birth control - I’ve had to drum it into mine because she’s told me people in their year are definitely serious with BFs. I’m horrified but I’m more scared she wouldn’t tell me’ if you need to.)

As she is well under-age, and it’s going to be round the school in no time, I think perhaps a PP’s suggestion of report to school is useful in this scenario.

duckling84 Tue 19-Nov-19 22:13:20

Been in a similar situation recently with dd and a friend of hers (friend was apparently pregnant)
Tbh, I would not mention it to other girls mum and get involved. Support your dd who will concerned for her friend, encourage her strongly to tell a teacher who will then report to safeguarding lead who will know the correct process to follow and is trained in what to do in this situation.

dinosaurtoot Tue 19-Nov-19 22:14:30

I'm sorry op but you can't not tell her mum and take her secretly! Her mum is strict not evil. I saw a thread on here not long ago about a girl that would be literally homeless, in that instance I agree with helping discreetly but if her mum is just a bit stricter than most and isn't going to make her homeless, it's way out of line to take her dd for the MAP.

I'd be so hurt if I was the mum in this case and think it was way out of line on your part to play parent. Plus medically speaking the mum should know, my relative took the MAP and was really unwell afterwards and had a serious bleed. Although not common, complications can happen.

MumofTinies Tue 19-Nov-19 22:30:06

It sounds like you and your DD have a great relationship and she obviously trusts you, I would have kept this sort of thing from my mum. I think if you breach that trust and tell the mum you will risk your daughter keeping important things from you in the future. Having been on the receiving end of bullying I would be concerned about what impact this would have on your DD at school if the girl is able to make life difficult for her.

Like a previous poster has mentioned, these things happen. There will always be teenagers who take risks like this. Your DD has relayed the information you have given her to her friend and I think that is all you should do. It would be completely inappropriate for you to seek medical attention for this girl behind her mother's back. Your priority must be your own DD.

helpdilema Tue 19-Nov-19 22:30:51

So. Friend is not ok with dd telling me so that's not going to happen. I'm still not supposed to know.
Dd very upset at the thought of me breaking her confidence and telling her friends mum. It would really hurt our relationship and would have big repercussions for DD at school.
Her friend definitely wasn't forced or coerced.
I'm going to sleep on it tonight but prob won't tell her mum. I have given dd info on where she can get MAP. It'll have to be a free clinic as she's under 16 but there is one near school.
I'm hugely conflicted and not feeling like I'm making a good decision.

Wendyasbury Tue 19-Nov-19 22:33:50

That's a very tricky one but I think you have to tell the mum. I don't think you can take it upon yourself to bring this girl for medical treatment, is be furious if someone did that with my daughter. If your going to get involved at all it should be letting the mum know.

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