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Lovely neighbour but this behavior is intrusive, isn’t it?

(108 Posts)
Honeybee85 Tue 19-Nov-19 06:47:13

Not brave enough for AIBU grin

Me, DH and DS who is nearly 6 months old live in a detached house outside the UK.
House is pretty small and we live next to an elderly couple who are actually very lovely people. The garden on right side of our house borders ours, both gardens are very small so whenever the lady next door is working in her garden/ tinkering around her house, which she seems to be doing all day, she is very close to our house.
DS doesnt cry that much fortunately and during the day, he is with me in the living room, either in the cot we put there for daytime sleeping or in his playpen. The living room has a window on the side that opens to our garden, which is bordering on neighbours garden.

I usually leave the window open to air the room but close it asap when DS starts to cry as I don’t want to be a nuisance to the neighbours. Today I was on the toilet as I hear DS starts to cry in the living room, not crying very loud but a typical ‘I am bored, where are you mummy’ cry. It took me about 3 minutes to finish my toilet business blush and when I came in the living room, I hear my neighbour calling my son’s name trough the open window. This hasnt been the first time that she did this. I do not let my DS cry for a long time, but sometimes I am on the toilet/in the shower etc so I am not immediately there when he starts to cry. This is the third time I heard her doing this. The first time I was sure I didn’t hear it correctly as I couldn’t believe she would do that. I think it’s quite intrusive to start speaking to my child trough my house’s window. I have dealt with PND in the past months and though now it only annoys me as I find it very cheeky, it would have made me feel very anxious as it would have contributed to my feelings at that time that I was a failure as a mum.
Plus it gives me the creeps as it kind of feels like she is watching our home all the time as he never cries more then a few minutes. Surely if my DS was old enough to walk to the window and talk back and the male neighbour did this, many people would find that creepy and possibly a sign of grooming?

I have to add though that I am sure she has no malicious intentions, she is otherwise a very lovely lady but I feel uncomfortable about her doing this.

TartanMarbled Tue 19-Nov-19 06:49:39

It's not a sign of grooming.

But I would feel judged and find it infuriating.

DeborahAnnabelToo Tue 19-Nov-19 06:52:19

I think she's just trying to help rather than being creepy but it would probably annoy me a bit too to be honest. I really don't think she's hanging about in her garden all day for an opportunity to watch you though, it's obviously just how she spends her day. Have you spoken to her about it or do you acknowledge her when she's done this?

WindFlower92 Tue 19-Nov-19 06:54:38

Close the window as it's freezing now!

Honeybee85 Tue 19-Nov-19 06:55:04

@TartanMarbled

Thank you I don’t see it as a sign of grooming but I meant It as comparison, if the situation had been a little different re the people involved it would have freaked many mums out I guess.

GiveHerHellFromUs Tue 19-Nov-19 06:55:37

I understand why you find it intrusive.
Maybe she knows you're busy so is just trying to help. She obviously knows he's not going to call back and the grooming comment is a bit of a leap...

itsgettingweird Tue 19-Nov-19 06:55:57

Neighbours willing to help are worth their weight in gold.

My ds used to have really bad colic and screamed every evening for 2 hours. He didn't make a peep the other 22!
My neighbour came round one evening and offered to take him to give my ears a break!

RebootYourEngine Tue 19-Nov-19 06:56:33

None of this sounds like a big deal. Maybe she knows that you are in the toilet and thinks she is trying to.help by settling him before he starts properly screaming. What happens when you return to the room? Does she acknowledge you or just scurry away?

Honeybee85 Tue 19-Nov-19 06:58:45

@DeborahAnnabelToo

No havent yet as she is a good friend of MIL who owns this home and lets us live here for free, plus being our neighbours ofcourse we don’t want to possibly jeopardize the relationship. I complained about it to DH and he just shrugged it off, says its just behavior of a nosey neighbour with nothing to do all day.

@WindFlower92
As I mentioned in the OP, we live outside the UK wink. Its 15/16 degrees here and quite sunny.

Honeybee85 Tue 19-Nov-19 07:00:27

@RebootYourEngine

The times I heard it, I immediately close the window as a non verbal message to her that I don’t like what she is doing. Unfortunately she hasn’t picked up on it yet.

DriftingLeaves Tue 19-Nov-19 07:04:59

I think you are over reacting, she sounds like she's just trying to be a good neighbour.

WindFlower92 Tue 19-Nov-19 07:06:06

@Honeybee85 blush

Saucery Tue 19-Nov-19 07:11:33

The fact she is a good friend of MiL explains her behaviour even more, as she might feel more of a ‘bond’ with your family than is usual.
I don’t know the solution, apart from gently closing the window if she does it, in a “ooops, disturbing the neighbours!” way.

EleanorReally Tue 19-Nov-19 07:14:59

think you will have to let it go op,
concentrate on something else.
dont let it worry you. no point in falling out.

Seeingadistance Tue 19-Nov-19 07:18:04

To me it sounds like she’s trying to comfort your baby. She hears him, realises you’re not in the room, which is fine, and is saying his name to let him know it’s all ok.

Honeybee85 Tue 19-Nov-19 07:24:50

@Seeingadistance

Yes I agree she has probably no malicious intentions and means well but so had my ex MIL when she decided to reorganize my underwear drawer without asking when I was on holiday.
I don’t mean to compare those situations, I mean that despite good intentions some behavior can be intrusive and unpleasant.

It feels like an invasion on my privacy and yes. I also feel judged. It just makes me highly uncomfortable.

Prevegen4U Tue 19-Nov-19 07:28:24

To me it sounds like she’s trying to comfort your baby. She hears him, realises you’re not in the room, which is fine, and is saying his name to let him know it’s all ok

This^

She's probably had babies of her own and instinctively feels the need to comfort a crying baby.

FenellaMaxwell Tue 19-Nov-19 07:28:25

I remember our neighbours coming round when DS was about 6 weeks old, in the middle of his witching hour one evening. They were retired SEN teachers, and some of the nicest people I’d ever met. They brought a cup of tea and a plate shepherds pie, and popped DS in the pram a wheeled him up and down the garden while I ate. They did this at least weekly until he grew out of it.

Knowing someone so close by cared and wanted to help was lovely.

JoObrien7 Tue 19-Nov-19 07:30:11

Elderly people don't have much to do except watch their neighbours I'm afraid. My Dad is exactly the same and seems obsessed by the neighbours children kicking a football onto his lawn and has kept a few balls to stop them. I have said that he has forgotten what I was like as a child and he should not be so intolerant of small children but he takes no notice.

Elieza Tue 19-Nov-19 07:31:17

I think she’s trying to be helpful. You are too busy worrying if you are a good parent and doing the right things and not offending people and wanting to be judged well not being thought of as a bad parent just coz you needed the toilet and wondering if you need to justify your shocking leaving the baby for three whole long minutes to go to the toilet..... (head explodes)!!! Stop!! Calm down.

You are way overthinking this. Stop judging yourself. She’s not judging you. She knows it’s a hard job. She wants to be helpful. She’s not trying to be offensive. However you are in the verge of being offensive to her.

Calm down and be nice to this old woman whose probably seen it all before and thinks you’re a great mum. I bet when dc is older she will be inviting him or her round to learn about plants and things and you’ll be glad of the half hour break!

If you are worried she’s telling tales to your mil as you are not the owner et if the house she is, don’t worry. What would she say. Once a day the baby cries when you are in the shower? Stop stressing. Your dp is right. Shrug it off. Good neighbours are a boon.

JellyfishAndShells Tue 19-Nov-19 07:31:49

She sounds kind and is trying to be helpful - your ‘grooming’ comment shows that maybe you are overthinking this as a result of your PND.

Roselilly36 Tue 19-Nov-19 07:32:33

I agree, I think she is trying to be kind OP, especially as she is friends with MIL. She probably loves the idea of a young family living next door. Babies cry fact, even well cared for babies, she will know that, try to relax and don’t worry when your baby cry. DS2 was a very difficult baby he literally screamed every night, numerous trips to GP, our neighbours were fab, never said a word of complaint, I think she felt really sorry for us, she told me one of her sons was like that too and she knew how tough it was.

Seeingadistance Tue 19-Nov-19 07:32:35

I do understand that you find it unpleasant, and I probably would feel the same, but I also think you may be over-reacting a little. Does she come over to window and call in from just outside, or does she just speak from where she happens to be at the time?

Is she’s otherwise a good neighbour, I think it would be best to try to see this in a more positive light.

MelissaCortezsPastry Tue 19-Nov-19 07:32:47

I think you are massively over-reacting. She is being lovely trying to comfort your child who is upset. She realises you are busy elsewhere and will get to him when you can.

If you said she had climbed in through the window, then yes, that would be intrusive. grin

rp30 Tue 19-Nov-19 07:37:48

Are you allowing for cultural differences, given that you are not in the UK? Are you British living abroad? The majority of opinions here will be British about the same circumatances but in Britain. I think it is important to adjust and allow for the behaviours normal to other countries, as many countries will have people "friendlier" and more interactive than may be typical than in many parts of the UK, especially London.

AJPTaylor Tue 19-Nov-19 07:39:39

I can see that it would irritate! It would me but given that it is meant kindly and she is friends with mil who let's you rent for free I guess you are kinda stuck.
I wonder if you could say to her that you are not rushing to the baby every time he cries but giving him a few minutes to see if he settles?

Kraggle Tue 19-Nov-19 07:43:27

If it bothers you that much I would shut the window before you leave the room where you think he might cry so she can’t do it in your absence but I agree she sounds like she is being kind and trying to assist in her own small way.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Tue 19-Nov-19 07:44:06

Yes it's intrusive and would make me irritated and feeling "watched". I don't agree with the comments that's she's just being a concerned neighbour. She's overstepped the line by a considerable margin.

I don't know what you can do about it though, except maybe get your DH to wander round naked to dissuade her from looking through your windows.

FoamingAtTheUterus Tue 19-Nov-19 07:44:52

Grooming ??

Have you been to the doctors ? I mean this kindly as that is not a normal conclusion to jump to.

jellybeans44 Tue 19-Nov-19 07:46:09

^^ oh for god sake she was using it as a comparison. She didn't say she thought the woman was grooming her child.

JoObrien7 Tue 19-Nov-19 07:46:24

@Elieza

Good post

user1493494961 Tue 19-Nov-19 07:47:03

I thought you were going to say she had come into the house. I think you need to let this go for the time being.

Alicia1234 Tue 19-Nov-19 07:48:57

I don't find this bad at all. To me she is doing it as a gesture of care, trying to soothe your baby through her voice while you are getting off the loo. I'd probably pick my baby up then say hi and thank you.

Honeybee85 Tue 19-Nov-19 07:49:45

@MelissaCortezsPastry

😂😂😂 that would be super intrusive !!

I don’t want to dripfeed but part of the reason why I feel judged is because a month or two ago, she spoke to my DH and told him that she hardly ever hears DS cry and was wondering if he was OK because she never heard him.
And that I should let him cry more often as its good for his lungs.

Around that time I was still struggling with PND (I still have bad days sometimes but my mood swings have massively improved ever since) and was feeling quite hurt about that comment. I knew despite struggling myself I never neglected DS’s needs (I want to emphasize that I do NOT see parents of babies who cry a lot as neglectful) and it felt like she was doubting me because I managed always to prevent my son’s crying or comfort him quite easily. After that was the first time I heard her calling his name trough the window. At that time I was definitely feeling very often a shit mum because of my PND and sometimes the idea still pops up in my head.
Again, I know she probably means well but I wish she would mind her own business and wouldnt get involved with how much my baby cries or doesn’t cry.

Frenchw1fe Tue 19-Nov-19 07:50:01

@Elieza
Exactly.
Make friends with your neighbour OP.
Most old people love babies, she's probably desperate to come round and give the baby a cuddle.

TheStuffedPenguin Tue 19-Nov-19 07:51:47

Are you allowing for cultural differences, given that you are not in the UK? Are you British living abroad? The majority of opinions here will be British about the same circumatances but in Britain. I think it is important to adjust and allow for the behaviours normal to other countries, as many countries will have people "friendlier" and more interactive than may be typical than in many parts of the UK, especially London.

Yes this totally.

Honeybee85 Tue 19-Nov-19 07:53:02

@jellybeans44

Thank you, you understood well, it was a comparison.

Honeybee85 Tue 19-Nov-19 07:56:03

@rp30

In this country, people tend to mind their own business as much as possible, privacy is very very important here and being intrusive towards others’ business is seriously frowned upon.
So I don’t think it’s a very normal thing to do here.
DH is a local and though he shrugged it off, he did say he finds it behavior of a nosy neighbor.

RedRec Tue 19-Nov-19 07:56:33

I would have loved having a lovely, caring neighbour like this when my children were babies.

ColdCottage Tue 19-Nov-19 08:02:25

I'd just think she was trying to help. Wouldn't bother me. Sounds quite kind to try and calm him whilst you are on your way.

RebootYourEngine Tue 19-Nov-19 08:02:47

Oh OP I remember the early stages of DSs life, the dealing with PND as well but I say this with kindness. You are over reacting. I think this is mainly due to the PND.

How is your health now? Are you on meds, seeing the health visitor/GP regularly? Do you have outside support ie friends and family. This neighbour may be a blessing is disguise. A real support for you.

Apolloanddaphne Tue 19-Nov-19 08:07:40

That is exactly the sort of this my DM would do.It would be meant well but sometimes I think she oversteps boundaries.

Dwilson13 Tue 19-Nov-19 08:09:04

Perhaps your neighbour misses having a young child, or possibly never had a young child. Nothing to worry about here.

DeborahAnnabelToo Tue 19-Nov-19 08:09:07

I don't think you're going to get consensus here that your neighbour is or isn't being intrusive as it sounds like there are lots of factors here including the cultural differences of the country where you live and the UK, your own past experiences of your ex-mil, your Pnd and your own level of what is and isn't intrusive. Fwiw I think if you find it intrusive, that's fine but try and have a wider view of the situation and why you find it intrusive.

FraggleRocking Tue 19-Nov-19 08:14:21

I think I see where you’re coming from. It’s not like your neighbour is a guest in your home, in which case, comforting your baby whilst you pop to the loo makes sense. It almost seems like she is loitering outside and waiting for her moment which I’d find odd too. I do agree with previous posters that you could probably just get around the awkwardness by inviting her in and making friends though.

picklemepopcorn Tue 19-Nov-19 08:19:50

She may have been trying to reassure you that it's ok if the baby cries, she won't complain.

I talk back when next door's dog barks. It feels rude not to! I'm sure it's a similar reaction from her, it's just a gut response- and evolutionary response in fact, that ensures children get looked after.

Littleheart5 Tue 19-Nov-19 08:24:54

Lord she is just trying to be helpful and offer your baby some comfort when he is crying! I’m not sure about ‘cultural differences’, as this seems an entirely normal thing to do to me. If you don’t want it close the window when you leave the room.

whatalovelytub Tue 19-Nov-19 08:27:09

My neighbour is very similar. She doesn't work and sits in the house most of the day. If DS shouts I'll often get a text message along the lines of oooh, little man isn't happy is he!
Seconds later she'll knock on the door and say she wants to help.

I feel bad and let her in, except DS hates her as she is so loud and in his face. He then starts screaming even more and she will tut that he's spoilt.

To be honest I don't know how to deal with it while still remaining on good terms with her.. can only offer a bit of solidarity!

ittakes2 Tue 19-Nov-19 08:31:54

I think you are looking too much into this. a child iscrying and her instinct is to soothe him. she prob thinks she is helping you

UpfieldHatesWomen Tue 19-Nov-19 08:33:21

I don't understand this kind of attitude, OP. I don't have kids, and if I see a small child or baby crying in public, it's an automatic impulse to try and make it smile in passing. It's not coming from a place of judgement at all, people just feel a lot of empathy for babies and their upset, because they're so fragile. I understand this was a bit different as it was through your window, but it doesn't sound ill-intentioned. Other countries are often far more hands on with kids too, they'll even be told off by strangers if they're misbehaving.

Blondebakingmumma Tue 19-Nov-19 08:35:30

Just shut the window and then go to the toilet/shower

BillHadersNewWife Tue 19-Nov-19 08:40:03

Oh God bless you OP. I was a bit like you. Then I accidentally moved to Australia and had it all knocked out of me.

She means well...she's being friendly towards both you and the baby.

Why don't you talk to her a bit?

BillHadersNewWife Tue 19-Nov-19 08:41:05

I agree that you should shut the window/door anyway when you leave for the toilet. What if a fox came in? That would worry me more than a friendly neighbour!

HotPenguin Tue 19-Nov-19 08:41:43

I think you are over reacting. If I could hear my neighbour's baby crying, and there was obviously no adult in the room, I would get concerned after a while. What if you were passed out on the floor and your baby was unattended? I thought you were going to say she was letting herself into your house, not just calling your baby's name!

SpiderCharlotte Tue 19-Nov-19 08:48:49

I'm sorry, but I think you're being really silly.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole Tue 19-Nov-19 08:49:16

I think for a lot of women who have had children, they are physically incapable of ignoring a child’s screaming. Even when I know a parent or another adult is settling said child my reactions are heightened until the child is soothed.

It’s annoying for you, but the neighbour probably doesn’t know whether to try to help or not.

Elieza Tue 19-Nov-19 08:50:07

I’m really sorry to be blunt OP but lack of sleep and PND still appear to be affecting you. I’m sure you’re doing a really good job of being a mum and should be able to relax and not worry so much.
Can you get any more support from the gp or anything?

You were offended because the old woman told your husband to NOT worry about the baby crying and he can cry more it’s good for him.
Wow. You had a really unusual reaction to that. She’s telling you she hears it and accepts it’s normal and you’re doing fine. You take it as offensive.

You value privacy yet you are staying rent free in someone else’s house. If you value privacy that much there IS a price you can put on it. The price of your own home.

I honestly think you arent yourself. So sorry, I don’t know how to say that nicely. PND is horrific. You can’t trust your thoughts when you have it as they are all over the place. Trust your husbands judgement. He’s not got PND.

SirVixofVixHall Tue 19-Nov-19 08:55:12

I would possibly do this, if I knew the baby, and my Mum would definitely have done this, in an affectionate way, just trying to help and comfort the baby until you got there.
Both my Mum and I would do this to a whining/barking dog too..
it is just an older woman, who likes babies, trying to be friendly. Maybe it makes you feel stressed and rushed, so you take it as criticism?
I think it is rather lovely, having nice elderly neighbours who care about your baby, it will be nice when he is a bit older as they will make a huge fuss of him I imagine. I also think neighbours watching out for you is good from a safety angle too.

Apackoflips Tue 19-Nov-19 08:59:00

I agree that she seems to be a normal grandmotherly type of person who is trying to soothe the baby through her voice. much the same as a baby monitor.
Since she is lurking in the garden waiting to listen for the baby you could either take the baby with you if hes awake or close the window.

If the neighbour is a friendly person speak to her when you are popping in and out - just a very quick word 'hello - how are you' and move on. Maybe she just wants some human contact and as a PP said she feels close to your little family. By speaking to her yourself you can judge how she reacts . Maybe she likes to hear the baby even if he cries. Maybe she is hoping for a reply from you or for the baby to stop crying / respond to her even with a gurgle

As baby grows you this situation will resolve itself and be replaced with another. You may well be glad of a friendly face if one of you are ill and she is able to pop over to help for example.

FraggleRocking Tue 19-Nov-19 08:59:13

I think considering the OP has suffered and could still be suffering from PND, some of the comments here are a bit harsh.

Honeybee85 Tue 19-Nov-19 09:18:30

@elieza

I understand what you mean, however re the comment she made about baby crying: she said she was worried about NOT hearing DS cry so much and therefor wondering if he was OK.
I do find that judgemental. So if my baby is rather quiet it means it’s a sign that he is not doing well?
Plus I really do not understand why she feels she needs to interfere when my son cries a couple of minutes if she is such a fan of letting babies cry. Its quite contradictive imo....
Plus, what if I was trying the cry it out method (I am not btw)? Not her place to trying to comfort my baby in such case.
I do appreciate that PND didn’t make this an easier situation.

TiddlerontheRoof Tue 19-Nov-19 09:22:13

My neighbours have dogs who bark all day and I call to the dogs to get them to calm down every time they bark.

I’m not stalking them or monitoring them or watching them - it’s pretty bloody hard to ignore a barking dog!

Maybe your neighbours are pissed off at being forced to listen to babies being left to cry?

Honeybee85 Tue 19-Nov-19 09:30:00

@tiddlerontheroof

I think you need to read my OP again instead of assuming I am leaving my baby to cry hmm

Cheeseandwin5 Tue 19-Nov-19 10:01:13

Its a natural human instinct on hearing a baby crying to offer comfort.
The grooming comment is sad and ridiculous. We do not want to live is a society where offering help would leave us open to such destructive claims from frankly what i can only assume is hateful minds.

SpiderCharlotte Tue 19-Nov-19 10:14:42

I think considering the OP has suffered and could still be suffering from PND, some of the comments here are a bit harsh.

Actually you're right @FraggleRocking. OP, I was quite dismissive and I'm sorry.

springydaff Tue 19-Nov-19 10:18:19

I simply do not understand these comments!

It's bloody WEIRD to call through a neighbour's window. She is massively overstepping. You are absolutely right to be unsettled by this.

She means well, clearly, but it's inappropriate, big time - especially as where you live it is not culturally appropriate. What a pain.

I think you have to be cool with her. She's a lonely old dear (so am I before anyone cries ageism) who has lost track of boundaries.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Tue 19-Nov-19 10:25:52

I'm so surprised at the replies. If a neighbour of mine stuck their head through my window to talk to my kid I would be hmm

OP is under no obligation to invite a bored neighbour in or to involve said neighbour in her child rearing. You can be polite, friendly and neighbourly while still maintaining proper privacy and boundaries inside your own home.

BillHadersNewWife Tue 19-Nov-19 10:30:11

shagging she never stuck her head through! She called from her own garden. She said "I hear her calling my son's name through the open window"

She HEARD the voice THROUGH the window.

Not "the neighbour stuck her head through"

SpiderCharlotte Tue 19-Nov-19 10:30:19

I'm so surprised at the replies. If a neighbour of mine stuck their head through my window to talk to my kid I would be

I missed that bit, I thought she was just calling through the window, not actually stocking her head into the property. That's very different.

SpiderCharlotte Tue 19-Nov-19 10:34:58

OP, did the neighbour actually stick her head through your window or just call from the garden. They're both very different things!

Honeybee85 Tue 19-Nov-19 10:41:35

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

No she didn’t do that, just peering trough the window from her garden and calling DS’s name.

DH just came home and we had a talk about it.
I asked him too if he thinks I am overreacting.
He said: yes it’s rude and annoying behavior and an invasion of privacy. She does it because she thinks she is helping.

He told me too to close the window when I am not in the room.

When I am out and he is in the living room, he always closes the curtains too because otherwise they are peeking in from their garden.
I never do that because I don’t want to live like I’m a vampire but I will close the window more often from now on.

Booboostwo Tue 19-Nov-19 10:48:25

This would annoy me too. Your neighbours may be sort of well meaning but have no boundaries and end up behaving inappropriately.. I would worry that if you were quite friendly you’d get a lot of parenting advice pushed on you and disguised as trying to help.

Given the set up I think your only option is to keep that window closed and the curtains shut...but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t come to the front door to check on you!

NamechangeWhatFor Tue 19-Nov-19 10:50:34

Older people really were taught that babies needed to cry for their lungs, it would spoil them to pick them up etc. All sorts of weird ideas that we know now aren't true.
It's not her fault, she thinks she's giving good advice to let him cry but if she says it again, laugh and say "That's what they used to say, wasnt it?!" Or something similar and carry on as you are.
The shouting through the window is a bit barmy but is meant well. I'd just loudly say something to him about knowing you were upstairs for her to hear so she knows. She might do it again but I'd just ignore it.

BreadSauceHmm Tue 19-Nov-19 10:54:03

Plant a tree/trees to obscure the view into your home.

JoObrien7 Tue 19-Nov-19 14:33:22

@Honeybee85 She is just looking out for your baby don't take it so seriously I would love to have a neighbour like yours instead I have shaven headed tattooed body builder who likes to walk around naked.

Honeybee85 Thu 21-Nov-19 03:33:04

@JoObrien7

Sorry I know it’s awful for you, but I literally spit out my tea because of laughing when I read your post.
Hopefully he moves his muscular tattooed arse soon to somewhere else and you’ll get a lovely neighbour.

MarieFromStTropez Thu 21-Nov-19 03:38:48

If I heard a baby crying next door, I would do what she did. And I’m not creepy. I just cannot bear to hear children cry. And I would want to help somehow.

JoObrien7 Thu 21-Nov-19 04:59:14

@Honeybee85

Ha ha it is funny because he actually thinks I like looking at his body so keeps the curtains open and the lights on. He also wears a vest in all weathers to show of his tattoos and arms. What's worse is my son who is 27 has started doing body building because of him and has also started wearing vests around the house grin

Honeybee85 Thu 21-Nov-19 05:08:17

@JoObrien7

😂😂😂😂😂

The neighbour sounds like a total idiot 😂😂😂
It would be funny if you would invite some friends over and all together you stand in front of your window, wearing vests like he does in wintertime and just stare at him, possibly even point at his most muscular parts. Maybe he’ll get shy then 😂

I guess it’s really a trend now for young guys to go the gym and build muscles but I think your son needs a new rolemodel grin

QueenOfCatan Thu 21-Nov-19 05:28:44

I wouldn't like it either and am also surprised at the replies. But then I have similar issues and it led to my DD1 refusing to go in the garden for about 6 months because the neighbour would stand at the window watching her and calling her name when I went inside and it freaked her out (she was around 24 months old at the time). It really feels like you can't relax in your own home and like you op I did think that if she were male people would think differently about the situation. I originally did have my neighbour round occasionally when she invited herself and thought it would be lovely to have a nice grandma figure next door but she was not very nice to spend time with, very very negative.
It isn't your responsibility to entertain somebody just because they are lonely.

MrsChanningTatum Thu 21-Nov-19 05:53:14

She may be in the early stages of dementia. And not realise her behaviour is inappropriate.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow Thu 21-Nov-19 05:57:49

So much context here we don’t know about but you sound a bit precious, sorry

EleanorReally Thu 21-Nov-19 07:30:24

perhaps you should keep talking to her, involve her, she might calm down.

KnittingSister Thu 21-Nov-19 08:47:54

Would it be possible to move the baby away from the window?

MsMellivora Thu 21-Nov-19 09:54:38

Please don’t compare this to what your ex mil did, there is a world of difference.

I would probably be this type of person. When babies have been crying in public I try and catch the parents eye and try and basically be nice to them, I remember very clearly how hard it is having a crying baby.

thecatsarecrazy Thu 21-Nov-19 10:50:00

Close the window and curtains when you go to the loo or put baby in their room

Honeybee85 Thu 21-Nov-19 12:54:31

@KnittingSister

Unfortunately not 😔.
We choose this spot as it is the safest place for the bed in case of an earthquake (they happen here a lot, sometimes on a weekly basis). Living room is also very small!

Honeybee85 Thu 21-Nov-19 13:07:05

DS is teething and cried uncontrollably today, despite me holding him, offering him a teether, milk etc. and I knew he was so loud she could probably hear him in her garden (not me though, she couldn’t tell if I were comforting him or not).
Windows were closed obviously.
I felt so anxious that she might show up at my door and would try to interfere again, I don’t know if it’s the latent PND talking, but I just got in a very defensive mood just thinking about it confused.

GoKartMozart Thu 21-Nov-19 13:12:39

Have you considered a one way mirror film on the window? You can see out but the neighbours side will just be a mirror.

I have it on a side window that overlooks and it's brilliant. Just bear in mind at night with a light on the effect is reversed and they then can see it.

Honeybee85 Thu 21-Nov-19 13:14:10

@GoKartMozart

Thanks, thats a good suggestion!

Weedinosaurus Thu 21-Nov-19 13:23:23

I think you’re a bit paranoid. If I saw a neighbours baby crying and the parent wasn’t there, I’d probably wave/pull a silly face/try some way to cheer it up. I would not be judging the paren.

Honestly, people soon will just give up trying to be kind/helpful. And, your link to grooming is daft.

How about smiling at her and thanking her for caring.

GrumpyHoonMain Thu 21-Nov-19 13:27:55

I think your PND is intruding here. Are you on medication?

CookPassBabtridge Thu 21-Nov-19 13:28:22

Hey OP, just picked up on something you said about your ex MIL. Mine also organised my underwear drawer while I was on holiday! and my entire wardrobe. I had a feeling she might have a look around so I took all the sex related stuff and hid it before we went. She's sorted through my dirty underwear before in the laundry pile and folded them up.. She is otherwise a lovely woman. It made me feel really fucking uncomfortable as a grown 35 year old woman! Now I have the confidence to speak up about these things.

Honeybee85 Thu 21-Nov-19 13:31:06

@Weedinosaurus

I think your message is quite harsh. Just because I do not like someone invading my privacy and feeling anxious about their previous intrusive behavior I’m paranoid and everyone will soon stop being helpful to me? How about not having to be grateful for this kind of unwanted and intrusive ‘help’ confused

OrangeZog Thu 21-Nov-19 13:35:21

I think you are seeing issues where there aren’t any, other than the fact she is being understandably annoying. Unfortunately it’s very common for some people to give their unwanted opinions which includes babies crying too much, not crying enough; when they start solids; what stops teething; what to dress them in etc etc.

I suspect she is slightly bored, means no malice and probably thinks she gets on well with you and is being helpful.

Honeybee85 Thu 21-Nov-19 13:35:44

@CookPassBabtridge

Awful behavior on MIL’s behalf! I was livid but also didn’t dare to speak up (mid 20’s back then and it was hard to say something because ex MIL is a wonderful person but not quite sensitive re boundaries). As I wrote I DID NOT compare the 2 experiences, just simply used it as an example that even though people mean well and want to help, that unwanted help can, no matter how well intended, really make someone else feel uncomfortable because of massively overstepping their personal boundaries.

Beeziekn33ze Thu 21-Nov-19 14:03:50

As a MiL I am boggling at the idea of rearranging my DiL’s underwear. And now Weedinosaurus even found hers had folded used laundry...
There are some weird people around!

Honeybee, you sound isolated, are there other people around for you to be with? Do you get out much?
Your DP sounds supportive, I hope you can put the neighbour’s unappreciated attempts to help aside and enjoy being a mum.

Honeybee85 Thu 21-Nov-19 14:23:05

@Beeziekn33ze

You are spot on.
I moved to this country a few months ago whilst pregnant and don’t know anybody here except DH and his parents (he has a few friends but they don’t live close to here and his only family are his parents plus brother but he is NC with his brother).
I am trying to learn the language but it’s difficult, we hire a babysitter every week so I can go to school but apart from that no help because MIL doesn’t want to help us and we can’t afford to hire the babysitter more often without using our savings.

I force myself to go out with DS every day, we like to walk in the park/ nature and on bad days I just pop with him to the supermarket to get something just to have a purpose to go out. DH warned me to not become too close with neighbours as they are nosey.

I talk a lot with my friends at home but I feel very very lonely. I had a very dynamic job back home and lovely friends, a beautiful home.
I miss it. Sometimes I dream that I am back in my old city and meeting my friends for coffee or a dinner and when I wake up I feel shit (I’m crying as I’m writing this). A few weeks ago I was dreaming that I still had a key to my old apartment and went inside there when the new owner was away to do a nap. I missed it so much when I woke up.

DH is away from 7 in the morning to 7.30 in the evening and then it’s just me and DS.
During weekends I try to persuade DH to go out so at least we can enjoy our weekend as a family.
I do really enjoy these moments. Sometimes when he doesn’t feel like going out, I go by myself and visit interesting parts of the city by myself but it feels very lonely as I see others there visiting as tourists or locals out with friends.

I think it would be better if I had just 1 friend here but I don’t know how to find them.
I installed a language app to find people who want to teach me their language and vice versa but it seems to be used mainly as a dating app.
Language school hasnt been successful and I don’t speak the language well enough yet to really communicate well. Working on that though.
I can’t really talk with my neighbors other then very basic conversation and they can’t speak English.

Sorry for the long post but just needed to vent.

Ponoka7 Thu 21-Nov-19 14:46:57

I'm a grandmother, I would do what your neighbour does. Most people of my generation and older would. If they like children.

Before the 80's, people left doors unlocked and neighbours would offer a hand in that situation. They'd at least announce their presence as the came in grin.

I'd say it is PND/anxiety that's making you view the situation as you are. You even seem to want to pick on the fact that she enjoys being out in her garden.

You need a much more detached house.

Ponoka7 Thu 21-Nov-19 14:47:36

I speak to other people's dogs as well.

No doubt that annoys some people as well.

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