Ex husband and new kitchen(239 Posts)
Ex moved out 19 months ago and we have been divorced for almost a year.
It was a horrible divorce - I divorced him due to emotional abuse mainly - and he does not speak to me at all. Any logistical message which I have to send him is never responded to - ever. Though he does read them and sometimes do what is suggested.
One of the worst things about our marriage was the fact that he would regularly subject me to very long silent treatments - we are talking weeks and weeks. It’s hardly surprising that having had the temerity to divorce him I am now dead to him 🙄.
The settlement meant that I got the family home and he got smaller assets, which put together roughly equalled the value of the house. He could have sold these and got somewhere suitable for him and the kids when they were with him, but instead he has been building a new property for him to live in for the past I don’t know how long, and living in another of his assets which is not suitable for the dc (teenagers).
So he has been coming to mine when the dc are home from school and cooking for them - while I am still at work. We never cross paths. The last time we came face to face was in February.
This has been ok but I have recently told him (by unanswered email) that it has to stop when he finishes his house - because I can see a situation where he either never finishes the house, or the dc don’t want to budge and he is still coming to mine months down the line.
The issue now is that after months of saving and planning and buying units and organising it all, and emptying the old one, I am having a new kitchen installed, to replace our very old and manky one.
Aibu not to want ex, who ignores me completely, to be using it when it is finished? Not always but he sometimes leaves a mess, I know he bangs pots and pans around but now we have a fragile induction hob, and he used to sometimes cut straight on to our wooden worktop () when we were together, but he better bloody not do that to the new ones being installed!
As is normal, all the effort has been made by me (am painting it as well), but he might even get to use it before I do - it will be ready to use on Tuesday afternoon.
Aibu to just want ex to go away and to claim what is now my space? Am I being petty?
Forgot to add that he very obviously got together with someone while we were forced to live in the same house for months during the divorce. It was extremely painful for me. I don’t know if they are still together, but he obviously moved on at the speed of light. Why, two years after this, is he going to be in my hard worked for kitchen which he essentially won’t give a shit about?
No I would not be ok for him to enter my home again.
So what if it’s all about the work tops. Who cares. I don’t understand why he can’t take the dcs back to his for dinner. It’s not overnight. They could sit on the floor / bed to eat.
Do you ever go into his place? Fairs fair after all.
* Why, two years after this, is he going to be in my hard worked for kitchen*
You have been more than reasonable, even beyond reasonable in allowing him to use your hone to facilitate contact with the teenagers.
Now is the time to draw a line. Let him make his own arrangements for contact and warn the teenagers to not let him in. If they can't be bothers to go and see him....
He will present himself as the victim. He currently has no incentive to finish his house.
This is absolutely mad. It's as controlling as the long silences. Tell him to stop now and take his children to his space.....or Maccy d whatever. Can you not get the locks changed then get another adult/family/friend to be at your house to refuse him entry?
Can't he bring in a rotisserie chicken and salad, or something he's cooked at home that just needs heating through eg lasagna, shepherds pie.
If two of them won’t budge from the house then that is their cross to bear. If they want to see their father then they’ll have to. No more sanctioning contact in your house, especially when your ex can’t even be civil and respectful towards your possessions. Enough.
Change the locks again.
He's not allowed in your house. At all. Full stop.
I can see your reasoning behind allowing this but I really think it shows you as too appeasing to your x. Tell the children your x is no longer allowed in the house, you have let this go for their good but their dad has had long enough to provide a suitable place for them to spend time in together. It won't be easy but you need to think about how this is shaping your children attitude to adult relationships. Do you want to end up with DIL who are deeply unhappy?
I have just sent another email saying the routine has to stop. It feels mean and him sometimes bringing takeaway for the dc while we have had no kitchen has been helpful , but I wasn’t rude.
No no no no no! You've got yourself into a right mess here. Why your ex is still entering your home especially when he doesn't even speak to you I don't know!
Your dc are not babies. They need to see that you have every right to your privacy, and that he can no longer help himself to your home. Our ex is putting them in a very difficult position by turning up and they letting him in. I would explain to them that he has been told he cannot come into your home anymore, and I would send him a solicitors letter informing him of the same. And that if he does, you will be contacting the police.
No doubt your dc will see you as the bad guy but you really should stand firm on this. Otherwise they too will think it's ok for a man to walk all over a woman and disrespect her wishes. Do you want your dc to turn out like their DF?
You’re still not being firm enough. He shouldn’t enter the house at all. He does not need to bring food over. If you allow him in, he will still use and abuse your new kitchen - just to slice the bread or chop the tomato, bish the hob accidentally etc.
The fact that your 13 yo will be upset suggests that he has taken your submissive and appeasing stance on board. You think you’re doing him a favour by not standing up to his father. I think you’re doing him a disservice not to create boundaries with a man, who ignores you.
How would you feel if either of your children got into relationships and were treated how your ex treats and treated you or turned out like your ex?
Honestly take some half days leave from work on those days for a while and get this sorted.
YANBU at all OP. Have a chat with the DC to get them on side. Don't mention the worktops specifically if you don't want to, but say that you have worked hard to make this a nice home for all of you, and now you've been separated for so long it's time for their Dad to make his own home with them. Open up a bit - tell them you have found the divorce painful, and you want to make a fresh start and keep this as your own space and nothing to do with him. Ask for their support in this.
Think of it this way, (and possibly present it to the kids this way as well) - if you had sold the house and moved elsewhere would he still be coming in to the house? What about his new house - are you allowed to visit and use his kitchen? What would happen if you did? How is that different to what he is doing now?
If I had an ex he wouldn’t be allowed in my home again. It’s his responsibility to make arrangements for seeing the DC’s. If you allow it to continue it will never end. Tell the DC’s they are not to let him into the house- ever.
Are you insane? WHY are you letting him have access to the house?
You need to tell your DC that he is NOT allowed in under any circumstances. Your youngest is 13, they are old enough to understand and accept your decision. Otherwise this will continue.
If your DC don't want to shift themselves to socialise with their father, that's up to them.
You must clearly explain this to DC, the split was financially 50/50, but he is using your kitchen as a free space
because he can leave it a mess deliberately & he has moved on with his life, other than his PA behaviour & sulking silences & that indeed you have saved for an new kitchen & you don't want him ruining it, but he is also presumably watching TV, on your sofa, playing on the console, using your bathroom, rummaging through your correspondence.
He can provide correctly for them, & if he doesn't , & they don't want to leave the house, then all of their relationships will suffer. but actually it is not your job to supplement his access/comfort.
They need to know they cannot let him in , that the police will be called once the solicitors letter has been sent
They may/probably will sulk,
after all its what they see their own father doing & it works for him Let them
Seriously OP - spend some of your kitchen money on a solicitor. Get them to send him a letter forbidding any further access to your house.
You need to develop a backbone regarding this. You are being a doormat.
You've said they use your house because it's more convenient.
Why are your needs and wants bottom of the list? You divorced your ex but you are still being ignored and bottom of the list...
Take the house keys from your kids and tell them that you make the rules and their dad is not allowed in. Neither he nor they will get in the so there will be no awkwardness with them policing whether or not their dad gets in to your home as that’s unfair on them. No keys no entry. He gets them after school and they go to his. End of.
After a while (a month say, once a new routine is clearly established) you can give them back keys but advise if they let him in the keys get taken off them again.
I’d be getting a security camera too so I could check that once they get their keys back they don’t let him in secretly while you are out. Ring doorbells are good. Sometimes QVC have them on easy pays over a few months.
He should not be in your home ever. You parent at yours and he parents at his. It’s not normal to have an ex in your territory. He’s a cheeky lazy and possibly nosey individual.
Any issues from the kids, tip their stuff in their bedrooms onto the floor. When they complain tell them that’s how it feels when someone messes with your stuff and leaves a mess for them to tidy. That’s what dad does to me when he comes into MY kitchen and makes a mess. I have to clean it up. Now you know how it feels do you understand why I don’t want him in? You need to tell me if he asks to get in. He’s not to get in anymore. Understand.
Just stop him from coming to your house to see the kids. It’s up to him to provide somewhere to see them.
Tell the children he is not allowed in and change the locks
He can make beans on toast in his house with out a kitchen. He just needs a plug and basic microwave and toaster. Of course it is completely a power play and continuation of the emotional abuse.
Tell your children that he no longer comes in the house from today. If he sees them less that’s his lookout.
The kids will complain as it means less if an easy life for them but they will start to find it uncomfortable too
I think it's time you had an honest chat with your kids about how your ex using your house as his effects you.
You need to tell them that you need to feel your house is your family home for you and them. That he needs to create a family home for him and them. That they can go to his it's just convenience and unwillingness from them that had meant it hasn't happened.
The new kitchen is a fresh start. A line that makes the house yours and the kids.
Try to liken it to you letting someone using their bedroom whilst they were at school. That it wouldn't physically effect them but emotionally they would hate someone using their stuff and space as their own.
They need to learn and appreciate how others may feel.
Stuff this!!! Forget about the kitchen, don't mention that it will make you sound like you are being petty. But absolutely no way let him in the house any longer. He is taking the piss, if he wants to feed them then he can take them out to eat if he doesn't have a kitchen in his own place! Failing that the kids can get a quick meal themselves and then go out to meet him somewhere if they can't sit on his sofa.
You will be so upset when he inevitably damages your new kitchen, so please don't give him the opportunity.
Your children don't get a say in this.
You’ve left a controlling husband and have now permitted your children to take over control. Stop it. Show your children that they and he needs to respect you. The children will throw tears and tantrums and probably sulk, but they’ll have to suck it up or things will never change for you. Tell them he got the enough to buy a house but decided to build one instead, so he’s the one at fault for this situation. Your children will either make an effort to get of their arses and visit/go ou with him or not. It’s not your fault.
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