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Ex husband and new kitchen

(239 Posts)
donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:27:39

Ex moved out 19 months ago and we have been divorced for almost a year.

It was a horrible divorce - I divorced him due to emotional abuse mainly - and he does not speak to me at all. Any logistical message which I have to send him is never responded to - ever. Though he does read them and sometimes do what is suggested.

One of the worst things about our marriage was the fact that he would regularly subject me to very long silent treatments - we are talking weeks and weeks. It’s hardly surprising that having had the temerity to divorce him I am now dead to him 🙄.

The settlement meant that I got the family home and he got smaller assets, which put together roughly equalled the value of the house. He could have sold these and got somewhere suitable for him and the kids when they were with him, but instead he has been building a new property for him to live in for the past I don’t know how long, and living in another of his assets which is not suitable for the dc (teenagers).

So he has been coming to mine when the dc are home from school and cooking for them - while I am still at work. We never cross paths. The last time we came face to face was in February.

This has been ok but I have recently told him (by unanswered email) that it has to stop when he finishes his house - because I can see a situation where he either never finishes the house, or the dc don’t want to budge and he is still coming to mine months down the line.

The issue now is that after months of saving and planning and buying units and organising it all, and emptying the old one, I am having a new kitchen installed, to replace our very old and manky one.

Aibu not to want ex, who ignores me completely, to be using it when it is finished? Not always but he sometimes leaves a mess, I know he bangs pots and pans around but now we have a fragile induction hob, and he used to sometimes cut straight on to our wooden worktop (angry) when we were together, but he better bloody not do that to the new ones being installed!

As is normal, all the effort has been made by me (am painting it as well), but he might even get to use it before I do - it will be ready to use on Tuesday afternoon.

Aibu to just want ex to go away and to claim what is now my space? Am I being petty?

Forgot to add that he very obviously got together with someone while we were forced to live in the same house for months during the divorce. It was extremely painful for me. I don’t know if they are still together, but he obviously moved on at the speed of light. Why, two years after this, is he going to be in my hard worked for kitchen which he essentially won’t give a shit about?

PersonaNonGarter Sun 17-Nov-19 07:31:54


He should not be using your current kitchen at all. It is territory marking. You need your space and privacy in your own home.

Stop this now - it is nothing to do with a new kitchen.

Veterinari Sun 17-Nov-19 07:35:29

Change the locks. Tell him to stop trespassing in your home

Clangus00 Sun 17-Nov-19 07:36:22

Tell your teenagers that he’s not allowed in the house full stop!
Send him a recorded delivery letter telling him to stay out of your house!

LynetteScavo Sun 17-Nov-19 07:37:45

I wouldn't let him in my house, let alone anywhere near my new kitchen.

It's time to move on. As nice as it is for him to cook for his DC, this just isn't working for you anymore.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:38:23

The locks have been changed since the summer but the dc let him in.

The problem is that the dc will take it badly if I put a blanket ban on - well the youngest will. It will also look like it is all to do with the “new” kitchen.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:39:28

And the dc will see him much less as they rarely go out with him at weekends.

GiveHerHellFromUs Sun 17-Nov-19 07:39:33

How old is the youngest DC? If they're old enough to be home alone they're old enough to appreciate that you deserve privacy (and respect!)

Put a stop to it.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:40:35

Youngest is 13.

PersonaNonGarter Sun 17-Nov-19 07:42:07

Be firm with DC. Tell them no. And say it is not about the new kitchen but about your home and space.

You don’t go and cook in his kitchen, he doesn’t come to yours.

And yes, yes to recorded delivery asking him not to come into your home without your invitation.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:44:08

The problem is I don’t know how long it will take him to finish his house 🙄, and it might mean the dc seeing significantly less of him for ages.

He will also present himself as the victim.

2littleChicks Sun 17-Nov-19 07:44:59

Can't he pick them up and take them out for dinner?

SurpriseSparDay Sun 17-Nov-19 07:45:37

You don’t make it clear whether you originally sanctioned this arrangement. Are you using him as after-school childcare?

In any case this is an extremely bad idea. Your ex should only be seeing your children outside your home. And this should not be dependent on how long it takes him to finish building a house! That could take twenty years.

Why are you allowing this?

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:46:33

He does that occasionally but it’s lack of funds and it’s rare that they all agree to go.

Apolloanddaphne Sun 17-Nov-19 07:46:39

It really does have to stop whether your DC like it or not. You can tell them it is not over the new kitchen it is just time for things to change. Surely the kitchen installation will mean he can't come and cook anyway and as teens your DC should be able to cook for themselves. They can meet their DF outside of the home.

justilou1 Sun 17-Nov-19 07:46:58

Just tell him that it is no longer appropriate to continue. This is your house. FFS, he’s marking his territory.

horse4course Sun 17-Nov-19 07:47:49

Don't feel guilty. You don't need to provide premises for him to see kids in.

Is his house unsuitable for them to even visit to eat there? He could take them out somewhere after school?

Don't make it about the kitchen, you don't need a hostile person with unsupervised access to your house. Not his house any more.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:48:49

I guess it was tacitly sanctioned - but not as childcare. They are too old for that. It was a way they could spend time together. I have recently told him it has to stop however. I have always had to get very firm for him to change anything however so I will probably have to say it a few more times.

horse4course Sun 17-Nov-19 07:49:05

I mean, he could turn up with a thermos of soup and some sandwiches and go to the park, doesn't have to be expensive.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:50:05

Oops typo sorry

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:51:13

If I get really firm now it is going to seem as if it is all about the worktops though.

Scarydinosaurs Sun 17-Nov-19 07:52:22

Sit your kids down and explain to them.

They’re watching your ex intrude in your family home when the two of you clearly don’t have a good relationship.

What are you telling them about how women should be treated?

Put a stop to it.

When you changed the locks before did you tell him the arrangement had to end?

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:52:29

No they could go to where he lives after school if he picked them up, it is just logistically much easier this way, mainly because two of them won’t budge from the house.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:53:53

No it is in the last month I have told him it has to end. The kitchen being out of use being a good juncture.

RandomMess Sun 17-Nov-19 07:55:10

I cannot believe you are still allowing this. Last time you posted you were told the same,

He is like a dog cocking his leg and marking his territory.

Has your youngest ever had a bad falling out with a friend? Ask them how they would feel if x cane into their bedroom twice a week and rummaged through it, slept in their bed, tried on their clothes and left it in a mess.

Tell the DC it stops right now that he was given the financial means to buy a home for them and he is doing this as a way to still hurt you. He is no longer allowed over the doorstep and if it happens again you will be going to court.

Show your DC that this continuing isn't an option and if they want to spend time with their Dad they have to leave the house. Ultimately perhaps the DC aren't that bothered? He must eat the other 5 days of the week without them after all.

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