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Ex husband and new kitchen

(239 Posts)
donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:27:39

Ex moved out 19 months ago and we have been divorced for almost a year.

It was a horrible divorce - I divorced him due to emotional abuse mainly - and he does not speak to me at all. Any logistical message which I have to send him is never responded to - ever. Though he does read them and sometimes do what is suggested.

One of the worst things about our marriage was the fact that he would regularly subject me to very long silent treatments - we are talking weeks and weeks. It’s hardly surprising that having had the temerity to divorce him I am now dead to him 🙄.

The settlement meant that I got the family home and he got smaller assets, which put together roughly equalled the value of the house. He could have sold these and got somewhere suitable for him and the kids when they were with him, but instead he has been building a new property for him to live in for the past I don’t know how long, and living in another of his assets which is not suitable for the dc (teenagers).

So he has been coming to mine when the dc are home from school and cooking for them - while I am still at work. We never cross paths. The last time we came face to face was in February.

This has been ok but I have recently told him (by unanswered email) that it has to stop when he finishes his house - because I can see a situation where he either never finishes the house, or the dc don’t want to budge and he is still coming to mine months down the line.

The issue now is that after months of saving and planning and buying units and organising it all, and emptying the old one, I am having a new kitchen installed, to replace our very old and manky one.

Aibu not to want ex, who ignores me completely, to be using it when it is finished? Not always but he sometimes leaves a mess, I know he bangs pots and pans around but now we have a fragile induction hob, and he used to sometimes cut straight on to our wooden worktop (angry) when we were together, but he better bloody not do that to the new ones being installed!

As is normal, all the effort has been made by me (am painting it as well), but he might even get to use it before I do - it will be ready to use on Tuesday afternoon.

Aibu to just want ex to go away and to claim what is now my space? Am I being petty?

Forgot to add that he very obviously got together with someone while we were forced to live in the same house for months during the divorce. It was extremely painful for me. I don’t know if they are still together, but he obviously moved on at the speed of light. Why, two years after this, is he going to be in my hard worked for kitchen which he essentially won’t give a shit about?

PersonaNonGarter Sun 17-Nov-19 07:31:54


He should not be using your current kitchen at all. It is territory marking. You need your space and privacy in your own home.

Stop this now - it is nothing to do with a new kitchen.

Veterinari Sun 17-Nov-19 07:35:29

Change the locks. Tell him to stop trespassing in your home

Clangus00 Sun 17-Nov-19 07:36:22

Tell your teenagers that he’s not allowed in the house full stop!
Send him a recorded delivery letter telling him to stay out of your house!

LynetteScavo Sun 17-Nov-19 07:37:45

I wouldn't let him in my house, let alone anywhere near my new kitchen.

It's time to move on. As nice as it is for him to cook for his DC, this just isn't working for you anymore.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:38:23

The locks have been changed since the summer but the dc let him in.

The problem is that the dc will take it badly if I put a blanket ban on - well the youngest will. It will also look like it is all to do with the “new” kitchen.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:39:28

And the dc will see him much less as they rarely go out with him at weekends.

GiveHerHellFromUs Sun 17-Nov-19 07:39:33

How old is the youngest DC? If they're old enough to be home alone they're old enough to appreciate that you deserve privacy (and respect!)

Put a stop to it.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:40:35

Youngest is 13.

PersonaNonGarter Sun 17-Nov-19 07:42:07

Be firm with DC. Tell them no. And say it is not about the new kitchen but about your home and space.

You don’t go and cook in his kitchen, he doesn’t come to yours.

And yes, yes to recorded delivery asking him not to come into your home without your invitation.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:44:08

The problem is I don’t know how long it will take him to finish his house 🙄, and it might mean the dc seeing significantly less of him for ages.

He will also present himself as the victim.

2littleChicks Sun 17-Nov-19 07:44:59

Can't he pick them up and take them out for dinner?

SurpriseSparDay Sun 17-Nov-19 07:45:37

You don’t make it clear whether you originally sanctioned this arrangement. Are you using him as after-school childcare?

In any case this is an extremely bad idea. Your ex should only be seeing your children outside your home. And this should not be dependent on how long it takes him to finish building a house! That could take twenty years.

Why are you allowing this?

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:46:33

He does that occasionally but it’s lack of funds and it’s rare that they all agree to go.

Apolloanddaphne Sun 17-Nov-19 07:46:39

It really does have to stop whether your DC like it or not. You can tell them it is not over the new kitchen it is just time for things to change. Surely the kitchen installation will mean he can't come and cook anyway and as teens your DC should be able to cook for themselves. They can meet their DF outside of the home.

justilou1 Sun 17-Nov-19 07:46:58

Just tell him that it is no longer appropriate to continue. This is your house. FFS, he’s marking his territory.

horse4course Sun 17-Nov-19 07:47:49

Don't feel guilty. You don't need to provide premises for him to see kids in.

Is his house unsuitable for them to even visit to eat there? He could take them out somewhere after school?

Don't make it about the kitchen, you don't need a hostile person with unsupervised access to your house. Not his house any more.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:48:49

I guess it was tacitly sanctioned - but not as childcare. They are too old for that. It was a way they could spend time together. I have recently told him it has to stop however. I have always had to get very firm for him to change anything however so I will probably have to say it a few more times.

horse4course Sun 17-Nov-19 07:49:05

I mean, he could turn up with a thermos of soup and some sandwiches and go to the park, doesn't have to be expensive.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:50:05

Oops typo sorry

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:51:13

If I get really firm now it is going to seem as if it is all about the worktops though.

Scarydinosaurs Sun 17-Nov-19 07:52:22

Sit your kids down and explain to them.

They’re watching your ex intrude in your family home when the two of you clearly don’t have a good relationship.

What are you telling them about how women should be treated?

Put a stop to it.

When you changed the locks before did you tell him the arrangement had to end?

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:52:29

No they could go to where he lives after school if he picked them up, it is just logistically much easier this way, mainly because two of them won’t budge from the house.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 07:53:53

No it is in the last month I have told him it has to end. The kitchen being out of use being a good juncture.

RandomMess Sun 17-Nov-19 07:55:10

I cannot believe you are still allowing this. Last time you posted you were told the same,

He is like a dog cocking his leg and marking his territory.

Has your youngest ever had a bad falling out with a friend? Ask them how they would feel if x cane into their bedroom twice a week and rummaged through it, slept in their bed, tried on their clothes and left it in a mess.

Tell the DC it stops right now that he was given the financial means to buy a home for them and he is doing this as a way to still hurt you. He is no longer allowed over the doorstep and if it happens again you will be going to court.

Show your DC that this continuing isn't an option and if they want to spend time with their Dad they have to leave the house. Ultimately perhaps the DC aren't that bothered? He must eat the other 5 days of the week without them after all.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 17-Nov-19 07:55:36

No I would not be ok for him to enter my home again.

So what if it’s all about the work tops. Who cares. I don’t understand why he can’t take the dcs back to his for dinner. It’s not overnight. They could sit on the floor / bed to eat.

Do you ever go into his place? Fairs fair after all. hmm

FinallyHere Sun 17-Nov-19 07:55:46

* Why, two years after this, is he going to be in my hard worked for kitchen*

You have been more than reasonable, even beyond reasonable in allowing him to use your hone to facilitate contact with the teenagers.

Now is the time to draw a line. Let him make his own arrangements for contact and warn the teenagers to not let him in. If they can't be bothers to go and see him....

He will present himself as the victim. He currently has no incentive to finish his house.

MrsT1405 Sun 17-Nov-19 07:56:56

This is absolutely mad. It's as controlling as the long silences. Tell him to stop now and take his children to his space.....or Maccy d whatever. Can you not get the locks changed then get another adult/family/friend to be at your house to refuse him entry?

stucknoue Sun 17-Nov-19 07:57:13

Can't he bring in a rotisserie chicken and salad, or something he's cooked at home that just needs heating through eg lasagna, shepherds pie.

Gruzinkerbell1 Sun 17-Nov-19 07:58:11

If two of them won’t budge from the house then that is their cross to bear. If they want to see their father then they’ll have to. No more sanctioning contact in your house, especially when your ex can’t even be civil and respectful towards your possessions. Enough.

adaline Sun 17-Nov-19 08:02:59

Change the locks again.

He's not allowed in your house. At all. Full stop.

Disfordarkchocolate Sun 17-Nov-19 08:03:51

I can see your reasoning behind allowing this but I really think it shows you as too appeasing to your x. Tell the children your x is no longer allowed in the house, you have let this go for their good but their dad has had long enough to provide a suitable place for them to spend time in together. It won't be easy but you need to think about how this is shaping your children attitude to adult relationships. Do you want to end up with DIL who are deeply unhappy?

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 08:05:13

I have just sent another email saying the routine has to stop. It feels mean and him sometimes bringing takeaway for the dc while we have had no kitchen has been helpful blush, but I wasn’t rude.

Soontobe60 Sun 17-Nov-19 08:06:49

No no no no no! You've got yourself into a right mess here. Why your ex is still entering your home especially when he doesn't even speak to you I don't know!
Your dc are not babies. They need to see that you have every right to your privacy, and that he can no longer help himself to your home. Our ex is putting them in a very difficult position by turning up and they letting him in. I would explain to them that he has been told he cannot come into your home anymore, and I would send him a solicitors letter informing him of the same. And that if he does, you will be contacting the police.
No doubt your dc will see you as the bad guy but you really should stand firm on this. Otherwise they too will think it's ok for a man to walk all over a woman and disrespect her wishes. Do you want your dc to turn out like their DF?

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 17-Nov-19 08:11:43

You’re still not being firm enough. He shouldn’t enter the house at all. He does not need to bring food over. If you allow him in, he will still use and abuse your new kitchen - just to slice the bread or chop the tomato, bish the hob accidentally etc.

The fact that your 13 yo will be upset suggests that he has taken your submissive and appeasing stance on board. You think you’re doing him a favour by not standing up to his father. I think you’re doing him a disservice not to create boundaries with a man, who ignores you.

How would you feel if either of your children got into relationships and were treated how your ex treats and treated you or turned out like your ex?

RandomMess Sun 17-Nov-19 08:15:53

Honestly take some half days leave from work on those days for a while and get this sorted.

BlackSwanGreen Sun 17-Nov-19 08:16:42

YANBU at all OP. Have a chat with the DC to get them on side. Don't mention the worktops specifically if you don't want to, but say that you have worked hard to make this a nice home for all of you, and now you've been separated for so long it's time for their Dad to make his own home with them. Open up a bit - tell them you have found the divorce painful, and you want to make a fresh start and keep this as your own space and nothing to do with him. Ask for their support in this.

IWantADifferentName Sun 17-Nov-19 08:16:59

Think of it this way, (and possibly present it to the kids this way as well) - if you had sold the house and moved elsewhere would he still be coming in to the house? What about his new house - are you allowed to visit and use his kitchen? What would happen if you did? How is that different to what he is doing now?

Parker231 Sun 17-Nov-19 08:20:44

If I had an ex he wouldn’t be allowed in my home again. It’s his responsibility to make arrangements for seeing the DC’s. If you allow it to continue it will never end. Tell the DC’s they are not to let him into the house- ever.

Horsemad Sun 17-Nov-19 08:21:49

Are you insane? WHY are you letting him have access to the house?

You need to tell your DC that he is NOT allowed in under any circumstances. Your youngest is 13, they are old enough to understand and accept your decision. Otherwise this will continue.

If your DC don't want to shift themselves to socialise with their father, that's up to them.

Mix56 Sun 17-Nov-19 08:25:39

You must clearly explain this to DC, the split was financially 50/50, but he is using your kitchen as a free space because he can leave it a mess deliberately & he has moved on with his life, other than his PA behaviour & sulking silences & that indeed you have saved for an new kitchen & you don't want him ruining it, but he is also presumably watching TV, on your sofa, playing on the console, using your bathroom, rummaging through your correspondence.
He can provide correctly for them, & if he doesn't , & they don't want to leave the house, then all of their relationships will suffer. but actually it is not your job to supplement his access/comfort.
They need to know they cannot let him in , that the police will be called once the solicitors letter has been sent
They may/probably will sulk, after all its what they see their own father doing & it works for him Let them

SurpriseSparDay Sun 17-Nov-19 08:28:20

Seriously OP - spend some of your kitchen money on a solicitor. Get them to send him a letter forbidding any further access to your house.

You need to develop a backbone regarding this. You are being a doormat.

RandomMess Sun 17-Nov-19 08:29:36

You've said they use your house because it's more convenient.

Why are your needs and wants bottom of the list? You divorced your ex but you are still being ignored and bottom of the list...

Elieza Sun 17-Nov-19 08:29:50

Take the house keys from your kids and tell them that you make the rules and their dad is not allowed in. Neither he nor they will get in the so there will be no awkwardness with them policing whether or not their dad gets in to your home as that’s unfair on them. No keys no entry. He gets them after school and they go to his. End of.

After a while (a month say, once a new routine is clearly established) you can give them back keys but advise if they let him in the keys get taken off them again.

I’d be getting a security camera too so I could check that once they get their keys back they don’t let him in secretly while you are out. Ring doorbells are good. Sometimes QVC have them on easy pays over a few months.

He should not be in your home ever. You parent at yours and he parents at his. It’s not normal to have an ex in your territory. He’s a cheeky lazy and possibly nosey individual.

Any issues from the kids, tip their stuff in their bedrooms onto the floor. When they complain tell them that’s how it feels when someone messes with your stuff and leaves a mess for them to tidy. That’s what dad does to me when he comes into MY kitchen and makes a mess. I have to clean it up. Now you know how it feels do you understand why I don’t want him in? You need to tell me if he asks to get in. He’s not to get in anymore. Understand.

Chloemol Sun 17-Nov-19 08:31:11

Just stop him from coming to your house to see the kids. It’s up to him to provide somewhere to see them.

Tell the children he is not allowed in and change the locks

HuggedTrees Sun 17-Nov-19 08:32:38

He can make beans on toast in his house with out a kitchen. He just needs a plug and basic microwave and toaster. Of course it is completely a power play and continuation of the emotional abuse.

Tell your children that he no longer comes in the house from today. If he sees them less that’s his lookout.

The kids will complain as it means less if an easy life for them but they will start to find it uncomfortable too

fuzzymoon Sun 17-Nov-19 08:37:09

I think it's time you had an honest chat with your kids about how your ex using your house as his effects you.
You need to tell them that you need to feel your house is your family home for you and them. That he needs to create a family home for him and them. That they can go to his it's just convenience and unwillingness from them that had meant it hasn't happened.
The new kitchen is a fresh start. A line that makes the house yours and the kids.
Try to liken it to you letting someone using their bedroom whilst they were at school. That it wouldn't physically effect them but emotionally they would hate someone using their stuff and space as their own.
They need to learn and appreciate how others may feel.

LadyAllegraImelda Sun 17-Nov-19 08:42:14

Stuff this!!! Forget about the kitchen, don't mention that it will make you sound like you are being petty. But absolutely no way let him in the house any longer. He is taking the piss, if he wants to feed them then he can take them out to eat if he doesn't have a kitchen in his own place! Failing that the kids can get a quick meal themselves and then go out to meet him somewhere if they can't sit on his sofa.

Havaina Sun 17-Nov-19 08:44:10

You will be so upset when he inevitably damages your new kitchen, so please don't give him the opportunity.

Your children don't get a say in this.

MrGsFancyNewVagina Sun 17-Nov-19 08:45:09

You’ve left a controlling husband and have now permitted your children to take over control. Stop it. Show your children that they and he needs to respect you. The children will throw tears and tantrums and probably sulk, but they’ll have to suck it up or things will never change for you. Tell them he got the enough to buy a house but decided to build one instead, so he’s the one at fault for this situation. Your children will either make an effort to get of their arses and visit/go ou with him or not. It’s not your fault.

PoppyFleur Sun 17-Nov-19 08:45:11

OP - do the teens not want to leave the house because they are gaming/going online? If that’s the case maybe it’s time to switch off WiFi on those days?

I guess the question I’m asking is are your kids spending quality time with their dad when he is at yours and is it this they will miss? Or is it the free time/unrestrained gaming followed by a hot meal that they will miss?

BitOfFun Sun 17-Nov-19 08:46:20

New kitchen, new stamp on your home and life.

The kids will have to go to his. If they can't be arsed, that's their lookout.

Honestly, you have to start asserting yourself here, or you are simply sending your (male?) children the message that women exist purely for men to wipe their feet on.

LazyDaisey Sun 17-Nov-19 08:50:30

“It’s about the new kitchen” logic goes both ways. “It’s about his new build” before his children too. He could have had somewhere to cook for them if he bought a house or rented a proper place and he chose not to first.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 08:56:31

I think two of them hardly come downstairs while he is here (so my old lodger told me).

They’re a mixture of boys and girls.

Yes they just want their comfort. Only one of then would be bothered by ex not coming here in the afternoons. I have told them before that the arrangement would have to end and will now say that I am ending it. When / if ex ignores my second email I have just sent, I will think about a solicitor’s letter.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 08:59:10

I agree that the kitchen is a natural break and a good time to set up a new routine.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 08:59:52

them not then

WhoKnewBeefStew Sun 17-Nov-19 09:03:24

YADNBU he needs to sort alternative arrangements.. your dc will adapt

mulberrybag Sun 17-Nov-19 09:04:08

I really understand where you are coming from and how difficult it must feel to change this.
You will seem the bad person in this situation because you've allowed it so far. But you've allowed it because you've spent years of being emotionally abused and you're probably programmed to keep the peace. Also, if you do say to the kids - your dads not allowed in our house anymore - they will see you as being unreasonable, as you've allowed it for 18 months.
I think I'd be tempted to sit them down and explain how out of the norm this has been so far, and tell them that you want to redefine your rules and from next week onward exdp will have to either take them out or they'll go over to his.
I really feel for you as I know how it sounds so easy from the outside to say change the locks, stop him coming in etc. but the reality is that the situation needs a bit more of a delicate negotiation period so that you don't end up looking unreasonable in your kids eyes.

Thatnovembernight Sun 17-Nov-19 09:05:56

i would point out to your children that he won’t even SPEAK to you and as he can’t be civil then this can’t continue. Put the ball in their court about how they spend time with him (since they are not little). I’d also explain to them what other posters have suggested about how they would feel if a teenager was going through their room and using their clothes and things while they were at school each day. I hope they see your side of this.

LittleBearPad Sun 17-Nov-19 09:07:18

and it might mean the dc seeing significantly less of him for ages.

That’s his choice - plus based on your last message they don’t see him even when he is there.

If the youngest is 13 they can cook their own dinner - they can certainly reheat!

madcatladyforever Sun 17-Nov-19 09:07:34

Just say no.

FairyBatman Sun 17-Nov-19 09:08:04

If you have already told him that it has to end , and he hasn’t been able to whilst the kitchen is out of use you could email him today and remind him that the cooking arrangement has ended, and that if he wants to cook for the DC he will have to pick them up and take them home. Remind him that he doesn’t have your permission to Cosme in your home and if he continues to get the children to let him in you will seek a restraining order.

Them remind your children that the arrangement has ended and they are to invite their dad into the house. If they want to eat with him they are to go to his place.

As PP suggested, remind them that you divorced him due to his behaviour, and that he has been given them means to buy a home. His choice not to isn’t your problem..

Christmaspug Sun 17-Nov-19 09:08:26

This is utter madness
Get the kids told they are not to let him in .
Get him told he is trespassing

Zaphodsotherhead Sun 17-Nov-19 09:16:23

You don't have to make it about the kitchen, but you can use the kitchen as an example.

You've made the house yours by fitting a new kitchen. The house IS YOURS. XH doesn't get the benefit of your house whilst living somewhere else just because your kids 'don't want' to visit him there. They are obviously all right with seeing him, is it discomfort they don't want? Because your house - your rules and they may just have to put up with seeing him elsewhere, or just not see him. That's up to them. But they need to grow up and realise that it's not his house (he's got one) and that if they want a relationship with their father then it shouldn't be done at their convenience, other people are involved too.

CallmeAngelina Sun 17-Nov-19 09:19:20

No, no, no! This has to stop.

It sounds like it suits your kids more because they can't be arsed to go out to see him. There's no way I would have him pissing on my territory here.
He can play the victim all he likes - but you say he hasn't spoken to you for months anyway, so why should you care?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 Sun 17-Nov-19 09:24:19

Yes it needs to stop and if your DC won’t go to his then that is their decision-it sounds like they really can’t be bothered anyway as they don’t come downstairs when he is there,
He will probably damage your new kitchen on purpose, he sounds like a right wanker

CallmeAngelina Sun 17-Nov-19 09:46:14

And so what if they think it's all about the kitchen? You can have whatever reasons you like. It's your house, so your decision. He doesn't get to decide what's a good enough excuse.

SunshineAngel Sun 17-Nov-19 09:50:57

If he wants to see them, he can take them out. It's not his house anymore. He doesn't live there. He has no rights to it. He can do what any other part time dad has to do.

Tell your children that they're not to let him in.

Is there anywhere else they can go after school on the nights he normally goes round, so he can pick them up from there instead?

yellowallpaper Sun 17-Nov-19 09:54:31

Wait until he has his house finished and then put your kitchen in. He sounds more than happy to damage your kitchen so I wouldn't give him the opportunity. Then it's a total ban. Kids will have to lump it

AnyOldPrion Sun 17-Nov-19 09:57:04

it might mean the dc seeing significantly less of him for ages.

This stood out to me as well.

OP, if he wants to see the children, then he will find a way to do so.

If he doesn’t want to, then that is neither your fault, nor your problem.

Yes, the children will find out how much their father cares for them. You might have to deal with the fall out from that, but that is doable.

You are teaching your children that it is a mother’s responsibility to make sure they see their father. It is not. It’s his.

You would be unreasonable if you denied him access to the children. You are not unreasonable to deny him access to your home.

I would add that I too have recently left an abusive relationship. My teenage son has spoken of his relief that he can now see his dad, but is in a position to walk away at the first sign his dad is behaving in any way he doesn’t like. This is because he now has a home he can come back to.

You are denying your children the right to a safe space away from this abusive man when you let him into their house without you there.

yellowallpaper Sun 17-Nov-19 10:00:43

Alternative put a lock with a key on the kitchen door and exclude everyone from it while he is in the house. Leave drinks, kettle etc somewhere else

carly2803 Sun 17-Nov-19 10:06:30

sit your kids down and explain - this stops!! now

with respect, its insaine your allowing this!! this is YOUR house.

if he wants to see hiskids, he can take them out,go for a walk, you know make an effort?!!

Id understand if they were younger and he came to the house when you were there (if you got on)!, but god no!!

WaningGibbous Sun 17-Nov-19 10:09:58

I would - as well as a lock on the kitchen door - put a Blink camera inside the hallway so you can tell gerroff my land at him You have to sit down and tell the children that, while it may be convenient for them it is not normal. Ask how many of their friends with divorced parents have this set up. Ask them, if it were them, would they want to have someone that wasn't nice to them making a mess of their house every day?

MollyButton Sun 17-Nov-19 10:14:49

Can you get them counselling through school?
The 13 year old is old enough to heat a ready meal in the microwave (or something healthier you have prepared).
They are old enough to not see their father if they don't want/can't be bothered.

Maybe he will finish his house faster if he is having to lure them to visit him.

SurpriseSparDay Sun 17-Nov-19 10:17:54

Wait until he has his house finished and then put your kitchen in.


Nothing the OP does should be dependent on her ex-husband’s actions. His house-building (fantasy) is none of her concern. (And it’s cleverly designed to back up his campaign to maintain control in his former home.)

Send the solicitor’s letter. Lay down the new law to the children. Move on with your life.

Goldenchildsmum Sun 17-Nov-19 10:22:39

I cannot believe you are still allowing this. Last time you posted you were told the same,


Mix56 Sun 17-Nov-19 10:26:25

Didn't you say he lives another property while house is being built? why can't they go there ?

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys Sun 17-Nov-19 10:31:58

Agree, don’t let him use it. The chances are he’ll passively aggressively damage it, accidentally on purpose.

My ex spilt a cup of text over my new rug and just left it, didn’t even attempt to clean it up. Obvs it’s just a rug but don’t let that happen to your shiny new kitchen.

MarianaMoatedGrange Sun 17-Nov-19 10:52:16

You’ve left a controlling husband and have now permitted your children to take over control.

Indeed. Boundaries, woman! boundaries.

I cannot believe you are still allowing this. Last time you posted you were told the same

Hopefully you'll take action this time.

FraglesRock Sun 17-Nov-19 11:05:36

Sit the kids down and explain this is how it is now
You've given dad a year and a half to provide somewhere for you all to meet.
He is not allowed in your house anymore.
Dad has been told of this and that he has to make new arrangements with you all.
If you don't bother moving from the settee/bed to see your dad then that is down to you and him, nothing to do with me.
If you let dad in I'll take away your key for a week.
Get a ring doorbell then you can see what's going on.
And try to be in the first week of change without telling anyone.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 13:03:40

So after my email to ex he has messaged me (after ignoring most of my logistical messages about the kids over the months when I could have done with some support) to say I am using them as pawns, they need hot food and that is all he wants for them, and that they are not pets to be taken out.

donotknowhownottomind Sun 17-Nov-19 13:03:57


OakElmAsh Sun 17-Nov-19 13:10:06

Don't start justifying your decision - if he wants them to have a hot meal, he figures out how to do that like a grown-up, without using your house.
Decision is final, end of. He is no longer spending any significant amounts of time in your house.

purplepalace Sun 17-Nov-19 13:12:58

Nope i wouldn't allow ex across the threshold.

Over. My. Dead. Body.

Chesntoots Sun 17-Nov-19 13:14:48

Reading this has given me the rage!

Don't engage - just repeat again that he is not to enter the house.

Follow it up with a solicitor's letter, get a camera fitted and tell the kids he is not to come in.

It's your house. He is still abusing you and if you let the kids dictate then they will be doing the same.

Get ANGRY!!! I'm frustrated even thinking about this...

MrGsFancyNewVagina Sun 17-Nov-19 13:15:23

Send him a message to say ‘this is MY home and you don’t get a say in whether or not you have a right to enter it. If you try to enter it against MY wishes, I will take legal steps to prevent you’. I wouldn’t even mention the children as that argument will just go back and forth.

Oldraver Sun 17-Nov-19 13:19:20

Ignore the emotional manipulation. Send him an email stating he not to enter your house, you will call the police if he does and seek a restraining order

RandomMess Sun 17-Nov-19 13:21:10

Think I'd reply

"Fuck off, do not enter my home again"

IsAStormApproaching Sun 17-Nov-19 13:28:03

The only reason he responded to this email is because you are taking the last bit of power and control you have allowed him to keep.
You may not cross paths etc but he is still taking charge of your safe space and swanning around your home you finance. He knows you would not particularly like this and this is why he is sticking firm on this.
He would not allow you the same acess to his brand new built from scratch home.
He will not respect this request and I think a lawyers letter to confirm your position is needed.
You may be "free" from him but he still has a level of control.
Take it back and allow yourself to move in properly.
Good luck OP flowers

CallmeAngelina Sun 17-Nov-19 13:30:49

Meh. Let him say/think what he likes.
Your decision stands.

MrGsFancyNewVagina Sun 17-Nov-19 13:31:46

If you find yourself faltering, just imagine what it will be like working in your lovely new kitchen, knowing that it remains ‘uncontaminated’ by his presence. What a lovely clean feeling that would be.

timeisnotaline Sun 17-Nov-19 13:40:34

Only reply by email. ‘All the emails I’ve sent regarding our children’s welfare and that’s the only one you reply to? It’s my house. You are not welcome. If all you wanted for them is hot food you’d have prioritised a place of your own to take them to. Work out plans to see them outside the house, you may no longer enter.’

I think you need to take the odd half day / work from home to make sure he doesn’t come in.

Mix56 Sun 17-Nov-19 13:59:22

So now he responds to your emails, laughable.
"If you want to see your children you will need to make alternative plans to do so in your own home/emsewhere.
The children are aware of this, You can make your own arrangements going forward"

dreichwinter Sun 17-Nov-19 14:21:09

He really doesn't want to give up his control does he.
Don't get drawn into this.
Repeat that he isn't to access your house.
He is to make arrangements outside the house.
He is an adult he can sort out food.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 17-Nov-19 14:24:10

I wouldn’t engage. He’s trying to hook you in. I’d just reply. “You are forbidden from entering my home. Providing our children hot food on your contact time is your responsibility.”

MitziK Sun 17-Nov-19 14:59:07

Change the locks again. The children stay at homework club afterschool if they aren't going to him. Or the 13 year old can meet him in McDonalds.

Get a Ring doorbell and an internal camera or five (place in the kitchen overlooking the countertop and hob so it's obvious if he deliberately removes a strategically placed cutting board to cut direct on the surface or slams a pan onto a glass hob - one in your bedroom, etc, as it's almost certain that he investigates everything - a particularly useful thing is having a slightly enticing box in your bedroom that might contain interesting papers - with a lock and the key left on the opposite side of the bed, so the footage shows him reaching over it, taking the key and opening the box).

These aren't babies or toddlers that it would be seen as reasonable to keep in their own home for contact. They are teenagers, more than capable of making their own way to and from contact - and of feeding themselves, even if only from a takeaway, rather than having somebody else cook for them.

Changing the locks and refusing new keys takes away the children's responsibility/having to say 'Mum says you can't come in'. Telling the youngest that this is so they aren't forced to decide what to do - but they are welcome to meet him after school and spend time together outside your house - is fine.

Or, of course, now it's 100% yours, you could just sell and move

BarbedBloom Sun 17-Nov-19 15:07:08

I would simply be stating, this is not up for discussion. If you enter the house again, I will be taking legal action. Then don't engage further.

You have been posting about this for a while. Time for it to stop. The kids understand, it is just easier for them this way. Stop making it easy

HuggedTrees Sun 17-Nov-19 15:17:57

Of course he’s replied like that. He is still abusing you and he thinks he’s goi to lose this bit of control over you so will try anything more.
Reply calmly that he is no longer allowed access to your house and the children are aware of this.
Food is food. You can have cold food that’s more nutritious than hot. He can be a cool dad if he wants hot food and cook them a BBQ at his building Site every night.

Of course he is only doing this to mess with you And smirks every time he leaves pans out for you to wash. He’s bit doing it for the kids but to piss you off. Watch the contact level drop

FairyBatman Sun 17-Nov-19 16:35:05

they need hot food and that is all he wants for them, and that they are not pets to be taken out.

I’d simple reply by email. I have read your message, my position remains unchanged. How you choose to provide food in your contact time is your responsibility, but you are not permitted to enter my home.

FairyBatman Sun 17-Nov-19 16:37:45

I think the idea of a ring doorbell or similar is a very good one.

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