Don't think I can carry on like this

[Concestor]

I'm sitting here in tears. I've been married 11 years, two children and numerous miscarriages, and DH hasn't been intimate with me for years. Even though we conceived our youngest it wasn't romantic it was just ttc. We haven't had decent sex for about 9 years.

He never hugs me in fact he doesn't touch me. He never calls me anything, like he just starts speaking to me he never uses my name or a nickname.

I feel like we are two people sharing a house. I've spoken to him about it so many times. Last time I said I wanted us to have counselling and he said no because "I can fix it myself".

But almost nothing has changed. I feel so lonely. I want affection and sex. He doesn't talk to me about myself. He doesn't know my thoughts or fears, he's just not interested.

And I don't know now if I even want to save things. Because it's been so long and I just don't think he cares.

But splitting would be a disaster for me. I don't work. I would end up in a tiny flat in a horrible area. And my family all love DH and would blame me.

I'm so sad. I don't know what to do. I feel trapped in a dead marriage. DH says he wants to fix things but talk is cheap and his actions don't match his words.

Should I force him to go to counselling? I only ever wanted to be loved and find my soulmate and it's all gone so wrong. I don't know what to do.

[zippyswife]

I could have written this. I don’t have the answer but you’re not alone.

[FusionChefGeoff]

It sounds awful I'm so sorry . You can't make this the rest of your life. So you need to start a plan - first thing would be either retraining or going back to work so that the life you will have without him doesn't have to be so bleak. Once you get your independence back, you will have so much more confidence and belief that you deserve better.

Because you do

[Concestor]

Bump? Was really hoping for some support.

[marvellousnightforamooncup]

Do you think it's possible to get the spark back? What's stopping you working? Could you retrain, get a part time job? You'll feel less dependent and hopefully get more self esteem. Make a plan with a view to being able to leave.

[ToLiveInPeace]

Sounds horrible... I'm sorry :( As @FusionChefGeoff says, what can you do now to improve your situation? Can you work or retrain?

And... if your DH isn't bringing you joy, what things can you do, however small, that make life better? Have fun with the kids, making time for yourself... can you take the focus away from DH somewhat?

[PrincessHoneysuckle]

Thats awful op,I ended my marriage for less reasons than you have.Leave him or kick him out you deserve better.

[bloodywhitecat]

Make plans to leave. He isn't interested in going to counselling and he doesn't want to change. Go to counselling but go alone, it can really help you sort out what you want to do. Leaving is hard, leaving was the hardest thing I have ever done but it was also the best. Good luck OP, be kind to you, you deserve it

[Singlenotsingle]

Idk about anyone else but I've got an escape fund. I tuck a little bit of money away each month, so that if I ever wanted to leave my dp, (which I don't), I could. I think maybe you should consider it.

[Bigpaintinglittlepainting]

Get the spark back with someone who treats you with so much disrespect?

Op you deserve better than this, why don’t you have a got at getting financially stable first, see a solicitor, look at some jobs ?

Then tell him to sling his hook

[MrsJonesAndMe]

You cannot fix it by yourself. I ended things with my ex after years of trying, but as soon as I ended things, he suddenly wanted to go to couples counselling and it was just too late.

I'd also go with getting yourself employable. Good luck!

[willowmelangell]

I am so sorry for you. You sound like a red blooded woman just yearning for a little intimacy and an absolutely normal longing for a loving hug or cuddle.
I can only tell you about the 3 long years an ex of mine just did not relate to me as a sexual woman. It started that he was afraid I would get pregnant and that coincided with his redundancy. I got a cool, brotherly peck on the cheek. No more cuddles on the settee. No hugs at all. I felt worthless, I was avoided. It reached crisis point when my mum died and I was crying. He put his arms around me. The first time I hadn't been rejected in years.
Is he afraid you will become pregnant? Is he struggling in work? Male self esteem and ego is often linked to job satisfaction.
I got called by my name twice in 18 years. I understand your desperation.
Can you share some more details? Do you socialise? How is he with others? Has he any friends? Hobbies?