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Just been told we live like pigs

(349 Posts)
ILoveJoeBrown Sat 09-Nov-19 14:14:08

DS has just told DH that his GF says we live like pigs. We do I suppose.

The house is a shambles, with piles of 'stuff' all over the place. My living room is still full of sh@t from DHs latest fish tank project. He has promised to clear it up but no sign of that. I have tried piling it all up one place, to make it appear tidier but out it all comes again during the week!

We both work FT, as does DS2 and our 3xDSs are all 'grown up', so usually there are 5-7 adults at home at weekends.

DH is very messy and I have to stand on a pile of his disorganised clothes by the side of his bed in order to open the curtains. He also wfh a lot, so has virtually taken over the kitchen table. He has a study upstairs, but it's covered in all his stuff that I take upstairs when I get exasperated with the mess downstairs. I can wfh but choose not to as I'd rather be out of the house.

DH occasionally puts the contents of his pockets on my dressing table when he undresses as his bedside table is - guess what...? I remove his stuff and pile it up on his bedside table anywhere I can find a space.

The boys' rooms are a tip and I end up putting their clean laundry on the floor on the landing as I have given up sorting it into little piles for each one of them and they can't seem to be bothered collecting it from the pile that accumulates in my bedroom!

We are lucky to have a big house, but that just seems to encourage big mess! I used to work PT so would spend my afternoons cleaning. I can't / don't do that now.

I even write '1 chore each' on a whiteboard in the kitchen that they all ignore.

I've stopped worrying about it [kind of - apart from the odd rant] so as a result we don't host dinners or socials like we used to. I can't have people over as the house is a tip. I try to keep on top of the hall / kitchen as they are 'more public', but I'm losing that battle as they won't hang coats up despite the coatrack; they dump school / work bags in the hallway and just drop wet umbrellas by the door!

Nannyamc Sat 09-Nov-19 14:17:39

Good god you need a cleaner!

Dumptyhumpty101 Sat 09-Nov-19 14:19:27

Call them all together for a family meeting. Inform them that you’re saying this one time only then tell that you’re sick of how you’re all living and anything that is left lying around in future will be put out in the bin, no further warning. They have the rest of the day to clear their stuff away or it’s all going in a black sack and the dustman can take it.

If they don’t listen, follow through!

Dumptyhumpty101 Sat 09-Nov-19 14:20:16

@Nannyamc she needs more than a cleaner. She needs to teach her children (and I’m including DH in that) to respect her and their home!

TimeForAChristmasUsername Sat 09-Nov-19 14:21:27

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CobaltLoafer Sat 09-Nov-19 14:22:05

Tell DS that his girlfriend has said a rude and judgmental thing, that has hurt you.

And that if he doesn’t like how you all live, then he can bloody well start by tidying his room, hanging his coats, putting away his laundry or -guess what! - moving out and running his own pig sty with all the cost that entails.

You sound very passive and resigned. If my three DCs live with me as adults they’ll have to respect my home by tidying up, or go elsewhere!

RedDogsBeg Sat 09-Nov-19 14:23:20

Is the DS whose girlfriend made the observation one of the culprits for the mess? If so, is he embarrassed and what is he doing about it?

How did your husband respond to the remark? Are you happy about foregoing socials, etc., what have you said to your husband and children about it and what has been their reaction?

Why are you still waiting on your adult children hand and foot?

No-one seems to have any respect or consideration for you or the house they live in. I could not and would not live they way you do, I'd either throw the lot of them and their stuff out or move out myself. Grim.

Newbie1981 Sat 09-Nov-19 14:25:00

@TimeForAChristmasUsername ...judging her parenting. Wow, you're horrible.

Besidesthepoint Sat 09-Nov-19 14:25:17

Give them a week to clean up and after that anything thats messy gets thrown out! And do so religiously. The added bonus is that as there is less stuff, they will have a harder time to make it a mess.

Tractorgirlz Sat 09-Nov-19 14:25:44

Family meeting and assign a weekend to everybody decluttering. Everything must have a place, if it doesn’t have a place it is recycled/given to charity/given to a friend/binned.

AwkwardSquad Sat 09-Nov-19 14:25:56

A cleaner/housekeeper for a decent amount of hours each week, that everyone contributes financially towards. If the adult DSs don’t like it, they can move out. Of course it would be better if all the people in the household were competent adults, but it sounds like it’s a bit late to start fighting that battle.

Tractorgirlz Sat 09-Nov-19 14:25:58

After that, get a cleaner in.

Contraceptionismyfriend Sat 09-Nov-19 14:27:22

My MiLs house was gross.
None of us DILs wanted to be there.
So because of that neither were our children.

The fact 7 our you can live in a house is a pathetic excuse when all of those people are grown adults. Divide the house to a room each. And today and tomorrow everyone scrubs their room from top to bottom.

PriscillaTheHun Sat 09-Nov-19 14:31:18

I agree with the suggestion of getting a cleaner. We're all untidy (not in your family's league though!) And once a week, the night before the cleaner comes, everyone tidies as much away as possible (everyone has their own areas that they're responsible for).

This means the cleaner can actually get to surfaces to clean.

As your dcs are adults, they can contribute to the cleaner.

And with regards to "projects" in the lounge. You need to be firm and tell your DH to sort it out or it's going in the bin.

egontoste Sat 09-Nov-19 14:31:36

Sounds like my house grin

Whatever the GF thinks, she should have kept it to herself, it's rather bad manners to say what she did, and some things are better left unsaid.

MitziK Sat 09-Nov-19 14:32:44

Sounds like she's right, then.

Either sort it or don't.

Personally, I'd move out and leave them to the filth. It's how I ended up moving out at 16.

SimonJT Sat 09-Nov-19 14:32:56

I was about to reply that I live in a tip as well, but I have one small basket full of random shit by the front door and a small pile of random toys, the odd sock etc in the living room that my cleaner calls “shit mountain”.

Apart from that you can usually see all the floors, you can’t at the minute, but that’s because I’m sorting out all of my sons clothes that no longer fit.

I live with a friend who seems similar to your partner and adult children, the other person I lived with was very very tidy. Said person used to collect messy housemates crap, pull back her duvet and put it all in her bed, no matter what it was.

I wouldn’t do anything about the state of their rooms, but I would ask that when they move out they leave the room in a serviceable state. So no crap, no stains on flooring etc.

Why are you doing their laundry? My son is four, today he brought his dark things to me when asked, put it in the washing machine and turned it on (i had put the detergent in and selected the right setting). If he can manage that your adult children can wash, dry and put away their own clothes/bedding.

Villanellebelle Sat 09-Nov-19 14:33:26

I could not live like that. Your post gives makes me feel anxious. Time for a massive change.

lyingwanker Sat 09-Nov-19 14:33:35

I would find it incredibly disrespectful and lazy if several adults in the house were just leaving their shit around the house like that. I would've absolutely blown my top a long time ago at both DH and the kids.

As a previous poster has suggested I would 100% start throwing stuff away if it just gets dumped. Warn everyone that that's what going to happen and follow through. Why on earth is it up to you anyway? Why don't the other members of the household contribute to the cleaning/maintenance of the home? Even my kids have a job each to do on an evening and if clothes aren't brought down to the laundry basket, they don't get washed.

CalmFizz Sat 09-Nov-19 14:35:07

Do you have all sons? It seems like your husband isn’t a positive male role model with being so undomesticated.

Do you think they are growing up to believe housework is unimportant/someone else’s job?

MidnightMystery Sat 09-Nov-19 14:35:05

Well if she thinks that then perhaps she should stay at her own friggin house the CF.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sat 09-Nov-19 14:35:18

“Get in a cleaner in.”
We’re not all millionaires who can afford cleaners butlers and servants

Whether it’s true or not your sons girl friend is a cheeky fucker. You can think what you like but you can’t say what you like

museumum Sat 09-Nov-19 14:36:36

The gf must be so scared that your ds would want to live like that if they moved in together. I would be too. She can see that the males in your house are pigs and leave it all to you which is so sexist.
I honestly don’t know what to suggest because this pattern has obviously been established for 20 or so years.

Caspianberg Sat 09-Nov-19 14:36:46

7 adults who can't tidy up basically between them? Its not surprising its labelled a 'pig style'

Normal people don't have a huge pile of stuff next to bed so you cant get in. At bedtime you take clothes off and dirty stuff straight into laundry basket, jumper etc you might wear again put away or folded on chair etc... get into bed with clear floor

converseandjeans Sat 09-Nov-19 14:39:05

It does sound messy & it might be the motivation you need to get it sorted. However everyone needs to be on board - it's not your job. DH needs to clean his office out for starters then you can move his wfh stuff back up to his office.

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