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Feeling so very alone today

(37 Posts)
Imnotokaytoday Tue 22-Oct-19 16:05:45

I feel like I have no-one.

I pretty much have my Mum and my husband. And my child. That's it.

I feel like I have no-one to talk to. Alone. Lonely.

My good friend and I fell out a few months back. Massively and haven't spoken since. I grew the courage to message her, and rightly so, she has moved on with her life and agrees we outgrew our friendship. That it had become toxic for us both. I totally agree.

But it has left me feeling 100000% shit.

I understand what my Mum calls "life stage friends" but fuck. It hurts. I look around and genuinely feel like I have no friends.

People I work with. Schoolyard parents. Associates who share funny pictures on facebook or whatsapp.

No actual friends. And it's shit.

Bunnyhop1502 Tue 22-Oct-19 17:45:43

Sorry you are feeling this way. I know it’s not the same as real life but there’s always someone on here to chat to 24/7.

MonnaLIza Tue 22-Oct-19 17:48:03

I blame 'modern life' - we are always so busy. We work 24/7. sad

nearlynermal Tue 22-Oct-19 18:08:02

OK, I know this is a really wanky worst-of-mumsnet thing to say, but you have a life partner, and a child, and your mum is still living, and you call that lonely? (I know, I know, sorry...)

Imnotokaytoday Tue 22-Oct-19 18:55:32

@nearlynermal You're right. That is a really wanky thing to say.

Way to kick someone when they're down...

@Bunnyhop1502 But is there? As proven above.. you post an honest post about how you're feeling in the hope of some help or comfort and basically get called selfish.

HorseGallopingOnATomato Wed 23-Oct-19 07:28:32

Just wanted to send some support. I’m in a slightly different position— I’m lonely because circumstances mean I’ve relocated once a year for about a decade so as soon as I settle somewhere and make friends, I’m on the move again! I have friends who are always on the other end of the phone but nobody I can call on to go out with or be with face to face. It sounds to me like you need to start again. Explore your home town like it’s new. See what events your town holds. Do you think you have the capacity to attend meet-ups?

In a new place it can easily take several months to a year to make friends, and the less “social stuff” to do in the town, or the less time you have to meet people, the longer it takes. Be patient, be kind to yourself, and keep reminding yourself that you’re feeling lonely because of circumstance, not because you are unlikeable, and your circumstances will change! Good luck!

FranneKipankinstein Wed 23-Oct-19 07:36:55

How are you today?
Did not see your posts yesterday.

camelinthedesert Wed 23-Oct-19 07:42:28

nearly is right though OP

Alwaysgrey Wed 23-Oct-19 07:44:37

I’m in a similar position OP. I have two children with Sen and its taken me down a totally different path and one that has led me to being quite isolated. Kids are now all happily settled in school but I don’t really know how to go about picking up my life.

Imnotokaytoday Wed 23-Oct-19 09:09:40

I moved about a lot as a child. Can think of at least 3 towns we lived in, all far from one another. Pretty much left behind friends when we moved.

I am a funny kipper I suppose in that I want friends and to be able to say "Fancy a brew?" but I don't like the initial getting to know someone thing.

Imnotokaytoday Wed 23-Oct-19 09:11:53

Still feeling lonely. Yes, there are people i speak to and see. But that doesn't always solve my loneliness. I accept yes I'm fortunate to have people but you can still feel alone in a crowd.

PearlsBeforeWine Wed 23-Oct-19 09:13:22

Nearly is NOT right. OP needs to function as OP, not simply as a mum or daughter or partner.

There's something very levelling about friendship which comes with no expectations or obligation, just friendship and you can really miss that.

SeaViewBliss Wed 23-Oct-19 09:14:36

People can feel alone when they have massive families. Of course you have a lot to be thankful for but it doesn't mean you can't be lonely.

It's probably the last thing you want to hear right now but you can get out and meet new people. I hesitate to use the 'find a hobby' line but can you do some volunteering or something?

Most GP practices have now got someone called a social prescriber. I would highly recommend asking to see them when you feel up to it.

You also have to acknowledge and process the end of your friendship. It sounds like it was the right thing to do but you still need to come to terms with it.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way - hope you have a good day today.

MidnightMystery Wed 23-Oct-19 09:15:12

In the same boat OP, it's an awful feeling and I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing it. thanks

PearlsBeforeWine Wed 23-Oct-19 09:15:58

OP is there any acquaintance in your life that you'd like to become friends with? I've become v good pals with my sons friends mum, it was unexpected and yet we have stacks in common. Just chatting at the school kickstarted that one.

NoSauce Wed 23-Oct-19 09:16:33

I am a funny kipper I suppose in that I want friends and to be able to say "Fancy a brew?" but I don't like the initial getting to know someone thing

That’s a quandary then. It takes time to get to a place in a relationship where offers of a brew or such like happen. Time on both sides.

Are there any classes you could join? Yoga? Pilates, type thing or whatever it is you like doing? To meet people you have to put yourself out there.

Any mums from school that you get on with enough to try and make more of a friendship?

Majorcollywobble Wed 23-Oct-19 09:22:01

Just wondering how old your child is ? Does the school have a PFA group ? Reason I ask is that the school our grandson attends is always appealing for volunteers- even grandparents ! Seems like a good way of forging links with outgoing people? Hope you feel better soon xxxx

Imnotokaytoday Wed 23-Oct-19 09:23:03

I do need to put the old friendship to bed. Sadly, she was quite cutting in her message to me yesterday and blocked me. I ended up sat in tears at my desk at work. Sad for the loss of any chance of making amends and also that she felt the need to block me.

I found myself a few weeks back looking up old school friends then feeling sad and upset when they were busy when I messaged. Of course they were. We haven't seen one another for probably 15 years or so? It just compounded my loneliness I guess.

I went to my weight loss group lsat night - a different class - and just sat there and felt like the odd one out. everyone chatting amongst themselves and i felt so alone in the room. I struck up some conversation with someone but still.. it felt empty.

whitebowls Wed 23-Oct-19 09:26:20

OP, I'm sorry you feel so low.
Could you throw a general 'anyone fancy a coffee' at the people you talk to at school? Friends come from surprising places, sometimes friendships build slowly as people can be cautious or their own lack of confidence or loneliness keeps them from finding a bestie or confidante.

Imnotokaytoday Wed 23-Oct-19 09:27:09

@Majorcollywobble They have a PTA type thing at his school but I've found those who are in it - that I know by passing - are very cliquey and make me feel massively insecure.

I got "in" with a Mum group when he started last year and in the whole, they're nice. Polite etc. But after knowing them for a year now, I wouldn't really class them as friends. Pass in he playground, say hi, pass pleasantries etc.

FranneKipankinstein Wed 23-Oct-19 09:38:36

What about joining a book club ?
Is there anything else you like to do or did in the past ?

Imnotokaytoday Wed 23-Oct-19 10:02:59

I've never really had any hobbies. I ran a few years back but my health isn't what it was and running isn't possible now.

Sunshineonleith12 Wed 23-Oct-19 10:19:52

You sound very low and wounded, like you would find any setback hard to take at the moment.
I think the pressure to have full on friendships is huge but it's not something all people have but we're made to believe everyone does.
You need to be in a better place to take the risk of putting yourself out there to make friends. A bit like dating. If you're not feeling strong enough just take small steps and those 2 minute chats at the school gates do mean something. You do have people that care for you.
Try to take the pressure off yourself and perhaps things will naturally improve with a shift in focus.

FranneKipankinstein Wed 23-Oct-19 10:22:47

Can you walk ? I like to go out for a walk .

FranneKipankinstein Wed 23-Oct-19 10:24:22

Sometimes you can chat to people out walking ..dogwalkers are great ...admire their dogs.

Imnotokaytoday Wed 23-Oct-19 10:38:22

I know the world isn't always what it seems with all the instafilters and rose tinted glasses..

Someone asked yesterday would i mind seeing their LO into school for them because they needed to dash to a meeting. That made me feel proud. Made me feel like I meant something to someone enough to be in charge of their child.

And an old uni friend, with whom i talk once in a while - we reconnected a few weeks back - messaged me to share news that she is expecting. That made me happy. To feel I was thought of and wanted.

I guess things are hard to see sometimes when you head is so bogged down.

I like walks. Sadly, I am rarely alone to be able to enjoy them.

Always responsible to or for someone.

I adore my son but crave quiet and alone since he came along and turned my world upside down.

He and my husband bought me flowers yesterday. They bought be roses a week ago too en route home.

Horsemad Wed 23-Oct-19 10:53:48

Aah, that's lovely that someone trusted you to see their DC into school. 🙂

And your friend telling you she's expecting - as you say, someone thought enough of you to tell you her news.

Maybe try asking some of the schoolgate people that you like if they fancy a coffee or a playdate for the DC where you can have coffee & a chat?

I met my best mate when our youngest started school together, she is truly brilliant & we've known each other 16 years now! 🙂

Imnotokaytoday Wed 23-Oct-19 10:55:28

The only person at school I would class as a friend - she has just messaged me to check in as I said I had had a shit day yesterday.

Perhaps the world isn't as gloomy today.

Fleetheart Wed 23-Oct-19 11:02:10

Sometimes it is always about the way we perceive things than about reality. It sounds like the Ex friend thing has been very wounding and this has shaken you to your core. It’s allowed all these feelings of self doubt to creep in.

Keep going with the school mums, keep going with the groups things. Accept all invitations and maybe extend a few. When I am feeling like you, I find that if I arrange things people often come!! I know about myself that actually I do quite like being alone a lot of the time and although I sometimes crave closeness, in reality I can find too much sociability quite claustrophobic.

FranneKipankinstein Wed 23-Oct-19 11:07:21

That is nice that they asked you as it shows they trust you. It was also lovely of your friend to share the good news.
Getting flowers from your husband and child was a lovely thought.

Have you been to your GP ? They might have a service attached to the practice.
Can you go for a walk after you have dropped your child at school ? I imagine you would be alone then .
Do you work ...full time , part time ?

Imnotokaytoday Wed 23-Oct-19 11:24:36

I work fulltime - well - 4 days a week. I drop my son off then dash to work 4 days a week.

FranneKipankinstein Wed 23-Oct-19 12:30:08

Walk on your day off. I know you will have lots to do BUT you need to prioritise yourself sometimes .

Someone I know said that just sitting and slow breathing mindful exercise was the thing that worked for them

Imnotokaytoday Wed 23-Oct-19 13:38:18

I am actually looking forward to walking to school with my son on Friday morning. Walking through the leaves. See if we can get a few of the last conkers. Then walk back, no music, no phone... just watch the world.

OrangeTwirlGate Wed 23-Oct-19 14:01:36

Hi, I’ve just read your post.

How are you feeling now? A bit better I hope?
I don’t think you will always feel like this so hold on in there.

I can relate to how you’re feeling as I’d say over the last few years I find myself going through phases where I feel really down about being lonely.
I think social media is really bad for making us feel this way as it’s a bit like a ‘who has the best life’ competition.
I definitely don’t have a bad life. I have my OH and my kids. My parents are close by.
I have many ‘friends’ (ie those I can have a quick chat to in the street or over Facebook)
But I don’t have a best friend, or very close friends for that matter.
So I think it’s any situation where you might speak to a close friend or see others enjoying a close friendship when you realise you’re ‘lonely’ and your mind takes over making it worse.
But I’m slowly learning to not allow it to bother me and that things change all the time.

Anyway, I’m crap with words or advice.
I just wanted to check on you and let you know you’re not alone x

Lamentations Wed 23-Oct-19 14:11:39

nearly has an opinion that you may not agree with but she was not kicking you when you are down, she was (I think) trying to get you to see what you have rather than what you don't.

Jumping down other people's throats and being over sensitive can be an obstacle to making friends.

That said you are quite right that it is important to have people to talk to and I'm sorry that you are feeling alone. The old saying about being a good friend if you want good friends is accurate. I know what you mean about the uncomfortable, awkward early stages of making friends but I'm not sure there's a way around that.

Imnotokaytoday Wed 23-Oct-19 14:17:27

I am feeling improved since yesterday thank you @OrangeTwirlGate

I suppose we live in a world where we don't have best friends like we did when we were younger and people didnt have SM or move about so much.

I've reflected a bit based on @nearlynermal 's post and y'know, in the clear light of another day, I agree @Lamentations that the intention wasn't thr shitty one I saw it for in my upset mind last night.

I have a husband, son, parents. And yes, even if my circle is small, at least I have one.

I spent time on the phone to my MUm last night sobbing about what is going on at the moment and again, reflecting, some people don't have that. My own Mum doesn't have her Mum anymore.

I;m sorry for being a grumpy fuck up post. I hope you guys can see I have reflected on some things above and realised things aren't as dire as they could be. And to focus on the Haves not the Havenots

So what a friendship has gone or drifted... i have my parents and husband and the opportunity to make new friends.

FranneKipankinstein Wed 23-Oct-19 14:41:27

When I was out for a walk yesterday I saw a brother and sister walking home from school kicking up piles of leaves and having fun .
You mentioning doing that with your son reminded me of the joy they were having.

Small things.

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