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Should I tell DDs friends parents of abortion?

(273 Posts)
Iwouldwanttoknow Tue 22-Oct-19 12:48:40

NC as I don't want this linked to usual name.

Dd is 15, she has spent Sunday with her best friend (also 15, will refer to her as A). She told DD she is 6 weeks pregnant (has boyfriend the same age). After some persuasion from DD , A agreed she could tell me as needs help. Yesterday A came round, I spoke to her and she wants an abortion however she has begged me not tell her parents as they are very religious (they are JW). I'm really torn as I think her parents should know but A is saying they will disown her and throw her out. But if it was DD I would want to know. A is coming round later and I have arranged for her to have some counselling privately tomorrow as the wait was too long via the NHS (but I really feel as if I'm over stepping even here). I don't know much about JW as a religion but as with all religions there is some who will follow it more strictly than others. I spoke to DD privately and she said from what A has said before this A's parents seem very strict and she is worried A would do something to harm herself if I told her parents.

What should I do? Inform the parents or just support A? I think its because I keep thinking I would want a parent to inform me.

Devaki Tue 22-Oct-19 12:51:35

Don't tell her parents.
She obviously trusts you - don't break that trust.

MrsFionaCharming Tue 22-Oct-19 12:52:15

Definitely not. Whatever medical professional she speaks to will be properly trained to assess her capacity and consider safeguarding when deciding whether they need to be told. Leave it to them, and keep her confidence.

DDIJ Tue 22-Oct-19 12:53:39

Don't tell her parents. She will end up homeless at 15.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:53:52

Absolutely DO NOT tell her parents. She doesn't need their permission and she wants this to remain private.

PleaseHelpM3 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:54:04

You would want to know. But they trust you. Please don't betray that trust.

Couchpotato3 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:54:14

Ask yourself WHY you think her parents should know? What are they going to do if they find out?
What is best for the girl now and in the long term? If she's old enough to have sex and be thinking about an abortion, I'd say she's old enough to make the decision for herself.
Are you willing to risk her being thrown out by her parents? Would you take her in if that happened because you had told them what was happening?
What behaviour do you feel comfortable modelling for your DD? How will she react to whatever you decide to do? How will it affect your relationship with her?

Epanoui Tue 22-Oct-19 12:54:16

Do not tell her parents under any circumstances. It is not your secret to tell.

BertrandRussell Tue 22-Oct-19 12:54:18

She should be going to her GP or. Clinic ASAP, rather than private counselling. Has she made N appointment? If she is not sure of how pregnant she is that has to be the first step.

OhMyGodTheyKilledKenny Tue 22-Oct-19 12:54:38

No, don't tell her parents.

She needs a caring, sensible adult to talk to (ie. you) who can signpost her to professionals who can assess her situation and make that decision

Cornishmum00 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:55:30

Be glad that she felt she could trust you and has an adult to confide in, do not break that trust

Hamandcheesebaguette Tue 22-Oct-19 12:55:47

Another don't tell her parents.

beepbeeprichie Tue 22-Oct-19 12:57:39

Why would you want to know if it was your one daughter, if your own daughter was absolutely resolute that she did not want you to know? To support her no matter what? To respect her decision no matter what? To promise her that you would never speak of her decision to terminate ever again, unless she wanted you to?
Because if it is all those reasons- to respect what your daughter wants- then you should absolutely NOT tell them. You don’t know how they would react or deal with the news or how it would impact the relationship with their daughter.

Mooey89 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:58:01

I wouldn’t tell her parents. I would encourage her to but I wouldn’t do it myself.
It’s great she felt able to tell you and that you can support her.

Brexitstash Tue 22-Oct-19 12:58:04

Fuck no, don't tell her parents!
Just support her as much as you can, I'd get her talking to marie stopes or BPAS.

LittleTopic Tue 22-Oct-19 12:58:17

Absolutely don’t say anything. It’s not really your place to get involved, but mostly you don’t know what the parents might do. Had a friend in school years ago in a similar situation and she got a beating for it sad

Breastfeedingworries Tue 22-Oct-19 12:59:06

Please don’t tell her parents! Either she goes ahead with abortion and they disown her or she’s pressured and forced into having an unwanted baby at 15! No good can come from telling them!

circlesandquares Tue 22-Oct-19 12:59:33

Please don't tell her parents.

Soubriquet Tue 22-Oct-19 13:01:01

No! Keep quiet

She will never trust you again and you will break your dd’s trust and even her friendship

AliciaWhiskers Tue 22-Oct-19 13:01:09

I wouldn't tell the parents, but if you feel conflicted about it, potentially you could tell A that you can't support her without needing to tell her parents, and ask her to find another adult? If she does have a termination she will need someone over the age of 18 there to take her home etc, you might even need to sign something to say that she is in your care - are you prepared to be that person? Because if not, she needs the opportunity to find someone else.

walkintheparc Tue 22-Oct-19 13:01:10

Honestly, I wouldn't tell them. I know lots of people will think this is wrong, but the consequences for her are serious and life changing. By telling them you are putting her at extreme risk, she could become homeless and shunned by her whole family and community.

She has trusted you with this, and she needs your help and support. Please keep this to yourself.

SpaceCadet4000 Tue 22-Oct-19 13:01:34

You would want to know so that you could support your daughter. But it sounds like A's situation is radically different to that. Do not tell her parents.

Nitsmugandselfrighteous Tue 22-Oct-19 13:02:14

Another vote for ‘no’. You have no idea what is going on within that family.

Your allegiance is to her, as her confidante, not them. Please do not break her trust. Poor kid. I’m so glad she has a good friend and that friends mum is sensible.

Hesafriendfromwork Tue 22-Oct-19 13:03:02

If she does have a termination she will need someone over the age of 18 there to take her home etc, you might even need to sign something to say that she is in your care

I had an abortion, under 18 and non of the above applied.

merryhouse Tue 22-Oct-19 13:03:11

JW is one of those groups that you are Definitely Part Of - if they found out you'd had a blood transfusion for example you wouldn't be considered a JW any more (I THINK though I may be wrong that they're the ones who talk about "disfellowshipping").

"A" has placed her trust in your daughter and then in you - if you break that you have lost her.

This young woman is going to need good, trustworthy friends for some years to come.

After this has been dealt with, can you attempt to find out the circumstances of A's under-age sex? Is it likely to happen again? Has she had decent relationships and contraceptive education?

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