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Worrying behaviour and comment by dd's school friend. Reported, but now worrying I've done the wrong thing

(68 Posts)
conernedbutcautious Fri 18-Oct-19 14:46:53


Name changed for this, as it could be very outing. I've already tried to get some rl advice.

Dd comes home from school yesterday and seems very on edge and upset. I kept asking her what was wrong, but she said she couldn't say. I backed off for a while, hoping she'd tell me in her own time and then an hour or so later she came up to me and said that she needed to talk to me and that it was about her friend.

Apparently she's been playing episodes of Naked Attraction during break times, for her and her friends to view. This is obviously incredibly inappropriate and not so much the nakedness, but the dialogue. Don't get me wrong, I've watched and giggled at few episodes myself, but do I want my or any other 12 year old watching it? Not so much! As I said, it's the conversation that's the worst bit. Comments such as "do you reckon you could fit that penis in your mouth" or the latest one I saw "I'd like that foot in my vagina" shock are obviously 100% not appropriate for school kids!

However, on a more worrying note, the girl in question, said that she watches the show with her dad every week and he said she should go on it. This is creepy as hell, right? So I called the school anonymously and reported it to the safeguarding team. I reported it as a general concern, due to the fact any dc could be accessing this stuff at school, which I know is actually incredibly difficult to police, due to 4G, but mainly as a student safety concern with the girl. I explained what had happened and she did seem to take it seriously and said she'd chat to the girl, but would also need to contact the dad.

Of course, best case scenario this girl has made it all up and just needs a sharp shock to understand that if you spread these lies, innocent people can get into a lot of trouble. But then, what if it's true? What if her dad really is a horrible person? He's not going to admit it, is he? What if he then takes his anger out in this girl? I can't bear the thought.

Please, tell me I've done the right thing.

Inappropriatefemale Fri 18-Oct-19 14:50:03

You have certainly done the right thing, her father could be abusing her and it sounds very possible, if he isn’t and it’s been a misunderstanding then he should really see it from your point of view, you were a worried parent and out of concern for your DDs pal, and your DD then you took certain steps to keep kids safe and nobody can fault you for this.

I for one would do the same thing in your position, most good people would so don’t beat yourself up, it’s better to be safe than sorry, cliche yes but very true.

WingingWonder Fri 18-Oct-19 14:51:25

I think the point is with safeguarding is that you DO report concerns, and if it’s nothing then fine, but a lot of somethings are often what makes the difference to the safety of vulnerable children
You’ll never know what happens next but you did the right thing
And now have the safe internet and rules of online chat again with your child- work out how you want to work it for you both
Also the fact she came to you is brilliant/ encourage that!

WeDidNotChangeTheLocks Fri 18-Oct-19 14:52:02

Yes you definitely have!

Inappropriatefemale Fri 18-Oct-19 14:52:17

+1000 WingingWonder

WeDidNotChangeTheLocks Fri 18-Oct-19 14:52:39

Done the right thing as per the last comment on the OP (not the wrong thing as in the title!)

morrisseysquif Fri 18-Oct-19 14:53:33

You have done the right thing!

PastTippingPoint Fri 18-Oct-19 14:54:46

You 100% did the right thing. That is really worrying stuff. Hopefully the school will talk to the girl first, and if they are concerned something is happening will make the right referrals. Hopefully it is all nothing but at least you have done your part in supporting your daughter and her friend!

SquishySquirmy Fri 18-Oct-19 14:54:53

Yes you 100% did the right thing.
You can't ignore something like that. Also it's great that your daughter feels she can raise her concerns with you.

Elpheba Fri 18-Oct-19 14:56:20

100% done the right thing. As a pp said the point is to protect those who are vulnerable and reporting something that seems insignificant could seem helpful if there have been other things that were a cause for concern.
So lovely your dd could come and talk to you about it- that’s a parenting goal achieved right there!

GrumpyHoonMain Fri 18-Oct-19 14:58:32

You did the right thing. The girl is hopefully lying about her dad but the school / social services does need to investigate anyway

Moominfan Fri 18-Oct-19 15:00:49

Yep definitely right thing. Imagine if you didn't. Would forever be on your mind

conernedbutcautious Fri 18-Oct-19 15:03:00

Thanks for all the replies so far. Yes, I do feel very positive and proud that my dd felt able to talk to me about this kind of thing.

I suppose my biggest fear is that I've potentially made it worse. If something is happening, but he denies and believe him and decide not to take it any further, what if he punishes her for letting it slip? Honestly, it makes me feel sick.

NigesFakeWalkingStick Fri 18-Oct-19 15:03:49

1000% done the right thing.

I remember being a bit younger (10/11) and a girl in my class talking very explicitly about sex and nudity. She had older brothers and somewhat hands off parents so the brothers would often put on inappropriate films with all sorts in. The girl would then try and get us to recreate these 'films' in the playground, but away from the TA's.

I was so ashamed I thought I'd done something wrong, but eventually told my Mum who also reported it. This was way back in the early 1990s so nothing to my knowledge was done, but I think something like that would now be enough for someone at school to have a word about boundaries etc.

Inappropriatefemale Fri 18-Oct-19 15:05:02

Does your DD know all about how adults can abuse kids etc because maybe you can ask her, without coming right out and asking outright, if she feels her friend is okay? Do you know this father personally?

Harriett123 Fri 18-Oct-19 15:07:05

With everyone else that type of behaviour is a massive red flag which you were correct to raise with school.
They are in a better position now to monitor and help a potential child at risk.

Windydaysuponus Fri 18-Oct-19 15:07:31

My dd's male friend told me he watches GOT during irregular contact time with his dm.
Very worrying imo.
You did the absolute right thing op...

Harriett123 Fri 18-Oct-19 15:07:50

*I agree
Sorry start of message didnt appear

DoctorAllcome Fri 18-Oct-19 15:12:47

OP- thumbs up, would have done the same thing. It’s a red flag that cannot be ignored.

But @Windydaysuponus
*My dd's male friend told me he watches GOT during irregular contact time with his dm.
Very worrying imo.*

Are you referring to Game of Thrones?? Why is a 12yr+ watching that “very worrying”?

ClemDanFango Fri 18-Oct-19 15:13:18

Well done to your DD for having the courage to tell you, that took real maturity and responsibility.
You’ve definitely done the right thing, the SG lead will take the appropriate action, try to not to worry.

MeTheeAndACupOfTea Fri 18-Oct-19 15:16:43

I agree with the others that you did the right thing OP.
The other girls father may not watch it at all, particularly with his daughter, however with you flagging it to the school then at least he can be put in the picture regarding his daughters behaviour.
If he is watching such material with her, then at least he will know the impact that it's having on his daughters behaviour and hopefully he will keep his future viewing habits for when his daughter isn't around.
I'm glad that your own daughter felt that she could speak to you about it.

Mummyoflittledragon Fri 18-Oct-19 15:28:52

I agree you did the right thing.

My friend told me that her dd had seen a video of my dds friend about her discussing how she hates her life and self harms. I know the parents, not well and they are very laissez faire so no point approaching them. I called the school.

What I’ve learnt from my time on mumsnet is that if in doubt, it is best to talk to a self guarding lead and they can have a quiet word with the child. Any confirmed abuse, I would report to SS / nspcc.

rainingallday Fri 18-Oct-19 15:35:24

YANBU. A 12 year old should not be watching Naked Attraction!

Poppinjay Fri 18-Oct-19 15:35:55

You must never allow the fear of repercussions (for anyone) to prevent you from raising a safeguarding concern.

There are carefully thought out and risk-assessed policies and procedures around safeguarding and you need to trust that they will be implemented correctly.

rainingallday Fri 18-Oct-19 15:36:09

And watching it with her DAD. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww. 🤢

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