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AIBU DH having a midlife crisis

(16 Posts)
Athey Tue 15-Oct-19 09:32:35

I've been married for 5 years together for 12 and love my 40 year old DH very much, we are the same age. We generally get on very well and he is a great husband and father. My problem is with communication, I am a talker and wear my heart on my sleeve. I give out compliments and make an effort to make him feel valued. He takes his fair share of chores and parental responsibilities. My one gripe is that he never talks about his feelings and finds it difficult. This has caused issues when I have needed reassurance in the past. He doesn't give compliments or reassurance as freely as me and I appreciate we are all different and that doesn't necessarily mean anything. He is very supportive in alot of other ways but I miss this aspect of a relationship. I gained alot of weight during my pregnancy (DD is now 8 years old) although I did lose this after birth I was pretty miserable during the pregnancy as I received no reassurance from him despite asking for it on many occasions and ate more because of this. I felt vulnerable, fat, tired, old. I usually try to make the best of myself and like to wear make up and nice clothes, we are similar in build and activity.
The current situation is he wants to take part in a boxing match. He has never done anything like this before but a girl he works with has suggested this. She has a friend who runs a boxing club. It will involve training for 8 weeks near where she lives. She walks to work (5 miles plus) and occasionally he gives her lifts if he is in that part of town. We live 8 miles in the opposite direction. He tells me about all the office banter (mainly men) and whenever he talks of her it is about her sex life as she shares the details of this with the entire office it seems. From where and how and even details of size and shape of dicks she likes!? I wonder if she is trying to impress the all male office? She is 25 and goes to the gym and keeps fit and I can't help feeling irritated when he talks about her. Although I tell myself there is nothing going on and I trust him I don't really want to hear about her goings on, I've made comments about how entertaining she must be to work with but feel she is immature and a bit trashy, I haven't voiced this as I don't want to appear jealous or a prude. I've met her on a couple of occasions and she has been perfectly nice. But in view of the way my DH has portrayed her AIBU to think that this new interest in boxing is to impress her? It will involve a fight in a nightclub in town with tickets for charity. We would all be dressed up and sat at a table while he fights (I find this prospect awful). I went quiet when he told me last night and we ended up having a blazing row as because I wasn't thrilled and excited for him as I usually would be if he took on something new, he knew I was unhappy. I tried to discuss his reasons for wanting to do this out of the blue and the connection to this girl. I told him I was concerned that this was to impress her, his reason for wanting to do this is he just fancied trying something new and the training would get him fit. He is generally fit but not a gym goer and has a lovely body but not toned and chisilled. We both have a love of cheese and cakes and a couple of wobbly bits. I've read up on the website and reviews and there are varying reviews of safety and some people have been hurt so that bothers me. Although he isn't stupid and would take all precautions as advised. He also rides a motorbike which we enjoy together so that isn't without risk. I feel like I am losing mind as I try very hard not to be a jealous wife but that is exactly what I became last night and it is ugly and we are barely speaking this morning. I do not think he is cheating but am questioning his motives for doing this, is he having a midlife crisis?

Tableclothing Tue 15-Oct-19 09:39:44

Yeah, he probably is.

If he enters a boxing match on 8 weeks' training, having never done it before in his life, he'd better hope his opponent is a total newbie as well. The results are unlikely to look impressive.

How much does he weigh? (Chances of getting knocked out increase the heavier the weight class)

Athey Tue 15-Oct-19 09:41:14

He is 13 stone, sorry I should have clarified its a competition for newcomers so all would be in the same boat experience wise.

Tableclothing Tue 15-Oct-19 09:41:52

If you really want to wind him up, say "you know, I've been thinking, this could be the fresh start we both need" and join in with the boxing training. Ime women almost always learn combat sports faster than men (they actually listen to instructions).

AmIThough Tue 15-Oct-19 09:42:35

I don't think this is a midlife crisis. I have some friends who have done these white collar boxing events. The whole point is that they're for complete novices to do something different and raise money for a charity.

Be supportive. It's only 8 weeks.

She does sound grim though...

wotsittoyou Tue 15-Oct-19 09:47:49

I don't know whether it's a midlife crises, but he's certainly being a dick talking to his wife about a random woman's taste in cocks. What an idiot.

I think there's a risk of shooting yourself in the foot trying to come off as 'cool'. I'd steer away from it. My 'cool' comes from having confidence in my right to my own side of a discussion.

If my DH told me about that convo, I'd tell him outright that I had no interest in other women's dick preferences and am confused about why he does. It's weird, attention seeking and massively inappropriate work conversation. Why pretend it isn't?

Tableclothing Tue 15-Oct-19 09:47:53

all would be in the same boat experience wise.

Maybe, maybe not. He might get someone who has never boxed before but has done 25 years' karate or Muay Thai, for example. (It's called "sandbagging", entering inappropriately easy levels of competition to scoop up prizes. Not honourable but does go on)

Honestly, 8 weeks' training.... In karate that wouldn't be long enough to stop being a white belt. And he's going to do it with an audience. Lord, grant me the confidence of the average bloke.

PrincessHoneysuckle Tue 15-Oct-19 09:51:07

Not necessarily a midlife crisis,sounds like hes trying to impress the girl at work to me.

wotsittoyou Tue 15-Oct-19 09:51:22

In respect of the boxing, I'd support him to try it, but I wouldn't lie about how I felt about it. He doesn't need your approval for everything.

Athey Tue 15-Oct-19 09:57:23

Thanks for commenting I feel a bit less like a mad woman now. Its not my thing it's his thing boxing and I would normally be supportive. A bit concerned to hear about sandbagging 😬 The office girl is clouding the issue for us both but he is under no illusions about the dick conversation after last night, I was in full rant flight

MayFayner Tue 15-Oct-19 10:02:10

My DH did this “boxing match for charity” thing, it was about 5 years ago now.

It was 8 weeks of listening to non-stop boxing chat <suppresses yawn> but after the big night he dropped it completely and never mentioned boxing again.

The fights were just amongst other members of the (non-boxing related) club he was in. They were all pretty tame and there were a lot of “draws”.

The colleague who talks about her sex life... hmm. I don’t know about that side of things. She sounds very immature but if your gut is saying something then you should listen.

Aderyn19 Tue 15-Oct-19 10:10:28

He's not entitled to have your unwavering support no matter what. Your opinion is as valid as his and if you don't want him to do this then of course you should say so
He sounds like he has a case of mentionitis wrt this woman at work. If he was my husband I'd be telling him not to give lifts anymore or have contact with her outside of what is necessary relating to their work.
I don't think any husband ought to be discussing dicks and sexual preferences with women other than their wives. He's bang out of order and I advise you put your foot down before this gets further out of hand.

Beautiful3 Tue 15-Oct-19 10:21:34

Wow definitely a mid life crisis!!! What on earth does he think will happen. You'll literally watch him get beaten up and have to take care of him when he gets home!!! I think I'd start saying, " I don't mind you talking about x but nothing crude" . That way he will talk less about her! I wouldnt even go to the boxing match either because it would make me feel sick. Let him go and deal with the consequences.

Beautiful3 Tue 15-Oct-19 10:25:24

Forgot to add, my husbands mid life crisis was a dreadful tattoo and joining a canoe club?!?! He actually wanted me to bring the children and watch him for the 2 hours! I said "Piss off, if you want to do it, then fine but don't ruin our day!"

Athey Tue 15-Oct-19 10:29:08

Beautiful 3 glad I am not alone kids watching canoeing for 2 hours doesn't sound fun for them or you!

Dowser Tue 15-Oct-19 10:47:45

My husband’s mid life crisis involved him only wearing black t shirts with slogans like I don’t give a flying fcuk. Obviously thought they slimmed him down but no , he still looked like a fat bastard in them.
Oh and did I mention the OW hanging off him.
( one of many I found out after the divorce)
I do hope that’s not where your husband is heading and he’s really just having a bit of bluster with the boxing and it all dies a natural death after he’s been patted about a bit.
Keep your spidey senses primed with this woman...just in case

With hindsight, my ex often used to talk about a woman at work he obviously had the hots for.
We obviously weren’t as rock solid as I thought we were , he was very good at blind siding me and she was definitely happily married ...or just thought he was a pathetic toe rag.
If you put a lot of darts out there, one will eventually stick.
Good luck op..just keep them both in your sights.

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