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Bad dads and the women who support them.

(14 Posts)
Moonpiesmeemah Thu 10-Oct-19 10:06:44

I'm not meaning to be horrible or saying all step mums are the same, I would just like to get my head around something and hopefully one of you could help me understand this situation.

Myself and exdp separated 7 years ago, in that time hes had two relationships including one with the OW. The one he's now in a relationship is with the OW whom he cheated with on the OW he left me for Jeremy Kyle fodder right?!
He moved in with her last year and there was no space for our dc in her flat, so he ended up only taking them out for the day and brought them back home.

Now as the situation stands today, he hasn't seen or called our dc in over a month, despite me calling/texting asking what's going on, the last time i called him was two weeks ago when she heard a female voice, she started screaming and shouting so he hung up immediately and I haven't heard from him since.
This morning I find out from a mutual friend that hes cheated on her surprise surprise and she is refusing to let him out of her sight, which in turn means he's not allowed to be around me to see our dc angry because she doesn't trust him. Now I know this is all down to him and he should have more of a backbone, especially when it comes to our dc as it is affecting my dd8 who thinks her dad doesn't care about her which isn't far from the truth hmm
But how do I handle this? The lady that he's with has given him an ultimatum it's either her or our dc as she wants to move away and start her own family, so it's pretty obvious he has chosen her and hasn't got the balls to tell me that himself, but how do women do that? Know that he has children and is prepared to sit back and watch him abandon them in favour of you to then bring more children into the world? Its shocking.
She has never fully accepted our dc and everytime he was with them she would be calling to see how long he would be, he even walked away from ds sports day because she kept calling.

My own dp who I've been with for 3 years has fully accepted my dc and does more for them than their df, if he ever made me choose there would be no question over who i would pick and it would always be my dc.
I honestly don't understand the mindset of some people.

user1493413286 Thu 10-Oct-19 10:13:27

It’s hard to understand why someone would act that way; DH has a child from a previous relationship and if he was willing to compromise his relationship with her then me and him wouldn’t be together because he wouldn’t be the man I thought he was.

Goawayquickly Thu 10-Oct-19 10:29:02

Very hard to understand, I’ll never get it.

Tiredmum100 Thu 10-Oct-19 10:32:33

I don't get it either. My dc will always come first. A man who walks away from his children is very unattractive in my book. I'm glad you've moved on and found happiness. My dhs dad walked out on them. He's got a brilliant relationship with his mum and step dad though.

lyralalala Thu 10-Oct-19 10:44:42

It’s very bizarre when women who want children do this. My ex’s now ex-wife was like this. She was horrendous with access for our DDs. She banned his Mum from staying the weekends he was on call, then decided she wouldn’t be left with the children (he’d been called out twice in four years and never for more than an hour) so the girls couldn’t go when he was on call. She also wouldn’t invite them to their baby’s christening or birthday party as they had ‘family’ staying.

Now she’s split up with him and he’s ignoring her kids in favour of his new gf she seems to think I’m going to be her sympathetic shoulder to cry on.

Amusingly she also thinks I should be outraged that he’s messing with her maintenance wise even though she told me to my face that I was grabby and pathetic for ‘chasing a man for cash’ back when she and he decided that the cms rate was too high.

AmIThough Thu 10-Oct-19 11:01:31

My little sisters' dad did this. He's a scumbag and they're better off without him anyway.

The funniest part is that the new wife has apparently posted pictures of them on Facebook, saying how much their dad loves them. He drops birthday cards off too (posts them through the door) occasionally.
He had no interest in them when he lived with them though...

Hooferdoofer37 Thu 10-Oct-19 11:03:59

I've never understood this either.

A family member of mine got together with a man who had completely abandoned his first DC and she enabled him to wriggle out of paying maintenance.

She decided he was a great man to have 3 kids with hmm

Several years later he has walked away from her and is not paying maintenance for their DC and she's furious.

When I pointed out she knew what he was like when she got together with him she just couldn't see it & declared that walking away from his first wife and child was nothing like what he'd done to her. 🤦‍♀️

You can't argue with stupid.

Moonpiesmeemah Thu 10-Oct-19 11:34:56

I cannot understand why anyone would do that to a child? You create a life and you're meant to protect it not be the reason they're hurting.

I do hope they both understand what they're doing. I was in a relationship with someone before I met exdp who had 4 dc with 3 different mothers who he didn't have much contact with, so I called them all and actively encouraged him to see them, 15 years later they all now have a fantastic relationship with their dad and one of the mums is one of my closest friends.
I could never have had a child with him knowing that my own child was just a number.

She has also complained about maintenance saying they cant afford it hmm he gives me £200pm which is not to be sniffed at but is hardly thousands and barely touches the sides of what I pay out monthly just for their hobbies alone, however I'm sure that will stop soon too its disgraceful.

@Tiredmum100 Thank you, he's a good egg and has taken on alot with me.
He has no dc of his own and although we had a rocky start, he's been absolutely amazing with my dc and loves being around them --secretly I think they like him more than they like me--grin

LonginesPrime Thu 10-Oct-19 11:46:16

You can't make someone else be a good parent, unfortunately.

Like attracts like so it stands to reason that someone who has no respect for women is only going to be able to keep someone with low self-esteem and questionable values.

I'm forever having to tell my DC that I'm sure their dad loves them, despite the fact he tells them he can't see them as he doesn't have the money to go back to court while simultaneously showing off his flash new purchases on social media.

It's shit for your DC but it's out of your control. I would just focus on your DC and boosting their resilience and self-esteem (as they're going to need those qualities to deal with all the shit he's likely to put them through over the years).

tectonicplates Thu 10-Oct-19 11:50:57

The relationship with this current woman won't last though, because he'll eventually cheat on her and leave her for someone else m

P1nkHeartLovesCake Thu 10-Oct-19 11:57:05

Thing is if your an other woman and shagged a man knowing full well he was with someone, I’m not sure you can take the moral high ground when he then cheats on you. So how the cheeky bitch had the front to scream when you called is beyond me? Karma I think they call it.....

Yanbu but some people just aren’t cut out to parent, they haven’t got what it takes. You can’t make somebody like there want the child unfortunately.

Honestly I’d stop contacting him asking what is going on etc. If the dc ask about when they are seeing him I’d answer honestly and say “I don’t know, I’ve not heard from your dad” every time they ask, eventually they will stop

Moonpiesmeemah Thu 10-Oct-19 12:01:45

I know I can't force him and have pulled back a lot over the years and left him to it, if he turns up great if not I make his excuses for him and get on with it, but I don't feel i should lie to them anymore.

@tectonicplates Hes already cheated, which is why he hasn't been around she doesn't want to let him out of her sight.

lyralalala Thu 10-Oct-19 12:51:44

who had 4 dc with 3 different mothers who he didn't have much contact with, so I called them all and actively encouraged him to see them, 15 years later they all now have a fantastic relationship with their dad and one of the mums is one of my closest friends.

I know this worked out well in that case, but can I just say that I really wish new girlfriends wouldn’t do this.

Firstly if he was going to be a good father he shouldn’t need prompting by someone. And secondly the amount of times I’ve had to pick up the pieces for my girls when a well-meaning girlfriend has bundled into their lives with their Dad who, eager to impress the new girlfriend, has become dad of the year for a short time only to ditch them when the relationship ends

Moonpiesmeemah Thu 10-Oct-19 22:15:03

@lyralalala I completely agree with you that it shouldn't be up to another woman to make a man stand up and be a father he should do it on his own
However my point was I couldn't stand by as a woman and be with a man who didn't see his children. I only acted as a peace keeper between and only met his children a handful of times. He was totally different to my exdp we were young and he didn't feel he was good enough as he could barely provide for them, which was his own fault for not using protection. I only helped him to see that they didn't just need money but his time and their mothers needed support.

I'm sorry that your girls had to go through that and I honestly feel your pain for them, my ex is the opposite when things are going well in his relationships our dcs see him less and hes around more when his having problems, which is what's surprising me about this situation but I think he does it to piss them off.

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