What is happening to me?!

[Tatty101]

I've never wanted children. I was that kid who left her baby doll in the bushes outside because it cried. I've never seen the attraction personally but I'm very close to my niece who is 6 - everyone said having a niece and spending time with her would change how I felt but no. I love her, we have an amazing time together (she stays with me twice a week) but I've never seen her and thought 'I want one of my own'. Same with friends' babies/children or anyone else in the family. I dont hate them, just never been wholly convinced by the concept. Which is fine. No kids for me, I'm very career-focused, I've spent the last 8 years after Uni moving around the country getting as much experience as possible and have now landed a mid-high management position which I love. My plan is to keep climbing the ladder at my organisation and I want to do some more study at some point.

Fast forward to last month. Suddenly, literally our of nowhere Ive been hit by this wave of wanting a baby. To the extent that I'm spending a lot of times on threads here looking at the pros and cons, visiting friends with babies more (I visited them anyway ofc but there's definitely been a step up). I've even worked out financially how ML etc could work. Its like this craving to hold a baby, in the same way I crave food when I'm hungry almost.

What's going on?! Where have these feelings come from and why now?! Has anyone had something similar happen? Did the feelings go away or did you end up having a child?

For background, I'm late twenties, household income above £50k, been with partner for 3 years. He's in the same boat as I was, kids are nice but not for us! I also have a medical condition that while wouldn't stop me from having a kid, could make pregnancy and early childhood risky for me.

[sirmione16]

Feelings change, priorities change... Life changes! You're just broody!

Have you had the discussion with your partner and see where he is with it all?

Take your time, adjust mentally. You need to be over this fluster and accepted that now you're ready and wanting a baby before you try. Perhaps visit a medical professional to discuss risks with your condition whatever it may be, and get some options in place if needed, reassurance of what can be done, what precautions to take and what pregnancy may look like etc.

Exciting times!

[AudacityOfHope]

That's how it works

You don't want one until, well, you do.

[WhoWants2Know]

For me, that feeling started in my twenties and never really stopped. I did have 2 kids and would probably have had about 20 if my uterus had it's way. It was totally irrational, like a craving, worse than giving up smoking! Going on the pill helped reduce it, but I'm over 40 now and given the opportunity I'd still do it.

[Millie2013]

I never wanted children, wasn’t keen on children (still not keen on other people’s kids) and my life was pretty much set in that way
I had similar feelings and now I’m mum to a fab 6yo. Wouldn’t change it for the world

I hope you can find a way to make it happen, if that’s what you decide

[overnightangel]

Biology, innit 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Tatty101]

Thanks all

Its just such a shock, when all my friends were settling down and starting families, I was so happy for them but equally completely certain that it wasnt for me. It just seems so weird that I managed to have all these situations where it would've worked but not wanted it and then boom out of nowhere!

I was in a long term relationship previously with my high school BF, we were engaged, wedding was booked and we ended up splitting up because he wanted a child within 3 years and I couldn't commit to it.

Now ironically 4 years later, I'm verging on desperate for one!

[bobstersmum]

Hahaha I think you want a baby op!

[itsasausage]

this happened to me but then the feeling went again after a while. now I recognise I want one a bit more depending on the time of the month... but luckily have ignored it since I dont want one the rest of the time!

[GrumpiestCat]

Biological clock. It's totally a thing.

[Tatty101]

And no, not approached partner yet. I'm pretty certain he wont have randomly been hit out of the blue with these feelings ...

Plus, I may have kinda sort of been hoping it was some kind of weird new PMS symptom last month. Now it's lasted nearly a full month though, I dont think I can put it down to that!

[BrokenWing]

In your early 20s you could focus on your career etc and the decisions of starting a family could be deferred. When you get to your late 20's you start realising the decision is one that, due to biological clocks, might soon be taken away from you and becomes more urgent.

[Singlenotsingle]

Better be sure. It's life changing, and you can't change your mind back again afterwards!

[Tatty101]

You're all making a lot of sense. I guess it's just such a surprise! It was all 'once you hold your friends baby' or 'once there's a baby in the family' the broodiness will hit and having it not happen at any of these points, I just assumed it wasnt for me. I thought I might get the wistful thoughts when I was coming to the end of my fertility but I'm honestly so shocked by this! Which sounds ridiculous 'woman surprised hormones exist' haha.

@itsasausage - if it's anything like my cravings, I admire you! I dont think I can cope with this going away and re-appearing every month!

[itsasausage]

it was intense for about 9 months weirdly! then not so much.. now it's just a couple of days of oh it would be nice, then it goes again

[Tatty101]

@Singlenotsingle I agree 100%. These feelings wont be over ruling my head and wont necessarily lead to my ttc but still so shocked theyve come around in the first place!

Hopefully the input on here will help bolster my understanding of what the hell's happening so I consider next steps carefully. I wouldn't want to bring up to DP until I was 100%

[BendyLikeBeckham]

It is a biological urge that is hard wired into our DNA. You can choose whether to listen to it or ignore it.

You also have to consider the possibility that it may end your relationship if he doesn't want the same thing.

It may pass in time, it may not.

Whatever you do, don't waste your fertile years not having DC to please your partner, because your relationship may end anyway and then you'll be left with the grief of DC you never had.

Tall to him. Tell him how you are feeling. You don't need to rush a decision. I'd give it 6 months and see if I still felt the same way, and if he still felt he didn't want any. Then make a decision about DC and the relationship then.

[MadeleineMaxwell]

Yup, biology. You can decide to ignore it if you want.

OTOH, I always wanted 2 or 3. Once I'd had 1, I decided that was plenty

[Tatty101]

Out of interest, anyone know if there's a peak time for fertility age wise? I always assumed it'd be as early on in your fertile years as possible but maybe not?

[BlackCherry666]

I was very similar to you - really disliked babies and small children. I wasn't resolute that I never wanted one of my own, but there seemed like so many more fun and interesting things to do.

I didn't have the rush of feelings that you describe but finally at 32 decided that it was now or never.

Had the baby at 33, he is now 5. I'm glad we had him, it's brought a new dimension to life. However, exceptionally challenging at times.

Won't be having another though, I don't love it that much

[Dissimilitude]

Female peak fertility is early to mid 20s. Then slow decline from about age 27. You've got time.

www.sfgate.com/health/article/Study-speeds-up-biological-clocks-Fertility-2843352.php

[Deathraystare]

I've never wanted children. I was that kid who left her baby doll in the bushes outside because it cried.





My mum was always concerned about me because I would take my dolls with 'open and shut eyes' downstairs by poking my fingers in their eyes and carrying them like that!

Thankfully, I never had children and am too old now!

I used to paint everything black too, but that is another story!

[Fortheloveofscience]

This sounds familiar! I’m now 32 OP and lying in bed cuddling my newborn .

Just go with it, you’re allowed to change your mind .

[Bellringer]

That'll be your hormones, biological clock. Is it partly that everyone else is doing it?
You have time to sit with these feelings awhile and see if they pass or intensify. Probably most fertile earlier, and less likely to have actual fertility problems. Some people more fertile than others or for longer
If you don't have dc and then feel regret it may fade, but then ppl all start having grandchildren. Just take your time, needs and want do change as you get older.

[Fortheloveofscience]

However, worth saying that it did come on slowly and it was quite a while before I could say “definitely yes”. A big part of it was getting into a really brilliant relationship with DP (now DH) and being able to imagine him being a fantastic dad.

I don’t personally know anyone who’s admitted to getting broody then deciding against it. I have a few friends childfree by choice and they claim to have never gone through the broody phase.

[Tatty101]

Thanks all!

@Dissimilitude - thanks for the study, it's interesting to know!

@BlackCherry666 so happy it worked out for you! I've always assumed people only try for kids if they really want them and if they aren't 100%sure, those challenges you mention become even harder. Now I'm not so sure!

@BendyLikeBeckham - totally agree on the not missing out thing. I think I mentioned my ex and I broke up as he wanted children and I couldn't guarantee I did. It wouldn't have been fair to take that opportunity away from him. Never thought I'd be in the same shoes though!

@Bellringer - it's a good point and part of what I'm trying to understand. I dont think it's a 'everyone else is doing it' thing because my friendship group had children relatively young (and all clustered together weirdly!) and I completely avoided any broodiness at all.

That's such a lovely story @science! I've never even considered my DP as a father because that was never what I was looking for!

I guess the lesson here is to expect the unexpected!