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My daughter has cheated and I'm being made to feel guilty

(90 Posts)
dalmatianmad Mon 16-Sep-19 08:39:56

It's been such a rubbish weekend. My first one off in ages and was looking forward to family time.

My daughter has been with her partner for almost 1 year. He's lovely, his family are decent. She has just about moved into his family home.
We invited them both round yesterday for dinner and there was a horrible atmosphere.
Turns out she had a ONS with someone earlier in the year and has told him last week because she can't live with the guilt.
They have fallen out, he's forgiven her and they are giving it a go.
We were told yesterday.

My DP who is not my DC's dad has been having a go at me saying I should do something about it and how could I sit through dinner and act normal after what we were just told.
What the actual fuck does he want me to do? I'm really disappointed in her, thought I'd bought her up better etc, but...

She's an adult. What am I supposed to do or say to make things right??
I will support them both. She's done wrong and he's devastated.

Not sure what I'm supposed to do??

dalmatianmad Mon 16-Sep-19 08:43:19

My DP has mental health problems, was sectioned last year and can become really unwell quite quickly, hes on lots of anti psychotic meds, we often have to "tread gently" with him. He doesn't seen to process things like a normal person.

I'm really not sure what to do about my daughters situation! Someone please advise me. I feel like shit this morning. Hardly slept last night....

Hippobag Mon 16-Sep-19 08:47:03

I don't think there's much you can do, she obviously feels bad and they're trying to work through it, what does he expect you can do here? I'm surprised they even told you, I'd never tell my mum that kind of thing!

AlexaShutUp Mon 16-Sep-19 08:47:28

There's nothing you can do. Your daughter did the wrong thing but I presume she already knows that.

She and her DP are both adults. Their relationship is their business. You are there to support both of them, as you've said. You shouldn't attempt to get involved.

CassianAndor Mon 16-Sep-19 08:48:42

agree there's nothing you personally can do about your DD, she's an adult. Just be there for her.

Windygate Mon 16-Sep-19 08:49:26

Your not 'supposed' to do anything. DD is an adult and needs to deal with this herself, and that seems to be exactly what she is doing. I'd be a bit concerned as to why her DP got her to tell you at a family meal as it's their problem and not really anyone else's business.

As for your DP it really isn't any of his business or concern. What does he expect you to do or say?
I'd be arranging to see my DD somewhere away from both DPs and having a quiet chat to make sure she is okay.

IdiotInDisguise Mon 16-Sep-19 08:52:48

I cannot really imagine how you can “support” them through this, it is not even what can be called a long term relationship. I would say to continue to deal with them as if nothing has happened (it is their problem and relationship after all) and holding your DD’s hand when things go bad, is the only way forward.

dalmatianmad Mon 16-Sep-19 08:53:26

Thanks so far.
They came round yesterday and there was tension, daughters boyfriend was tearful and I asked what had happened and it all came out. Both of them upset. Felt a bit awkward. I gave them both a hug. Told them I loved them both and would support them whatever they decided.

DP came in from the garden and asked what had happened.
He's an arse. They are adults. It's their lives. I have enough going on without adding to the drama.

KUGA Mon 16-Sep-19 08:54:22

Ignore your dp,but have a quiet word with your dd,`s bf and tell him he has your full support and your there for him if he needs a chat
Your DD is lucky he want`s to give it a go,i really do feel for him.

dalmatianmad Mon 16-Sep-19 08:56:55

I think they both needed to offload because they haven't told his family or friends. He doesn't want anyone to think bad of my dd. He doesn't want anyone to upset her and feel worse than what she does.

I start my run of night shifts tonight. Feel absolutely drained. Got up at 6am to get the youngest DC sorted for school.
I'll walk dogs and go back to bed.

Thanks for your input guys.

Soola Mon 16-Sep-19 09:03:51

I would be angry and upset if one of mine had done this as I find cheating and one night stands abhorrent.

However, it’s between the couple to work things out and I would be there for advice, opinion and support only if asked.

Interfering never works out well.

dalmatianmad Mon 16-Sep-19 09:05:54

I am upset! I honestly thought I had instilled more morals.
But she is an adult now. I bought her up the best way I thought. She knows what she has done is appalling.

She is responsible for her own actions now confused

lljkk Mon 16-Sep-19 09:06:08

Remind your DP that these events are none of your business to decide. Your roles are to be supportive of other people who need to find their own best solutions.

cantfindname Mon 16-Sep-19 09:07:43

Too late now, but why on earth did she tell him? It's done and over and all she has achieved by her 'honesty' is to make herself feel less guilty and to spread the pain to her partner and, it seems, to her family. She can now self-righteously proclaim how she has told the truth and make herself feel a good person for doing so, whereas he is living with the pain and sorrow and trying to hide it from his family.

I think she is very selfish both for having the ons and then for finding it necessary to tell him.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 16-Sep-19 09:09:54

I agree. There’s nothing you can do. She’s a fully grown adult. You can’t ground her for a month, can you. Your husband is being ridiculous

MrsMozartMkII Mon 16-Sep-19 09:10:38

Remind your DP that your DD is an adult and despite her good upbringing she did something stupid. You're upset about it but it's not your mess to resolve, all you can do is be the supporting cast.

x2boys Mon 16-Sep-19 09:11:42

Well.there's nothing you can do ,I would wonder though if your daughter really wants to.be in the relationship given she cheated so early on ?.if not it's probably best to get out now before ,any children further commitment etc, If she does it's up.to her and her Partner to work.it out .

Anothernotherone Mon 16-Sep-19 09:14:26

Is your DD fairly young? They've only been together almost a year and don't have their own place, she just stays with him at his parents house. They're boyfriend and girlfriend in a relatively new relationship, and she had a ONS when they'd only been seeing each other a couple of months surely?

I wonder if the odd modern convention (make myself sound 90 here) of calling your boyfriend/ girlfriend your "partner" isn't creating problems and making everything sound more serious than it is.

When I was young and all this was fields parents would never have even known about this - the youngish adults involved would have talked to friends and either split up or moved on, but no more told their parents (if staying together) than written to the Queen about it! Parents only heard about this kind of stuff if giving tea and sympathy after a breakup.

Anyway as others say your partner is way, way out of line - it's none of either of your business. Sometimes treading on eggshells around people with mental illness does them no favours tbh. Obviously being thoughtful and understanding is necessary, but not letting them dictate.

123chocolate Mon 16-Sep-19 09:19:04

He's probably just extremely embarrassed.

NellieEllie Mon 16-Sep-19 09:19:51

How old is your DD? It would one thing if they were married with kids or she gone off with a married man or something, but if we’re talking about quite a young woman who has been with her boyfriend for about a year, then yes, say out of it.
The only thing Id want to raise is, if she is moving into his family’s home, is this what she really wants?. It could make her a bit dependent on him/his family?

dalmatianmad Mon 16-Sep-19 09:22:20

Yes she's young. They both are.

The guy that she slept with was a work colleague. She changed jobs because of it all. He somehow got suspicious and she told him....

SirVixofVixHall Mon 16-Sep-19 09:23:40

How old is your dd op ? Obviously I don’t condone cheating, but a one night mistake, early on in a relationship is not totally unforgivable. I know a few people who did this in the early days of being together, and stayed together happily.
We all make mistakes ,as young people in particular. The deed is done, she is sorry and has told the truth. How they continue as a couple is for them to work out. You sound a kind and caring Mum, you are supporting them in whatever they choose to do now. Hopefully your DH will see this and calm down.

diddl Mon 16-Sep-19 09:24:12

Op's daughter has made it their business by telling them though.

Yes, there's nothing anyone can actually do, but it's horrible to know stuff like this about people's relationships.

What did she expect to achieve by telling anyone?

As a pp put, all she has done is spread her guilt & caused pain.

Nearlyalmost50 Mon 16-Sep-19 09:24:32

To be honest, I wouldn't care about this. It's not like she went down the aisle in a big white dress and promised 'til death do us part'. She doesn't have three kids whose lives are going to be ruined.

Young people do this. Many many of my friends, before they married, had relationships that overlapped/ONS/wondered whether to leave X and go off with Y etc. Pretty much most of the people I know went to the aisle with at least one wrong snog and sometimes a whole lot more secrets (always the nice professional men as well).

I don't feel ONS are wrong anyway though. Lying is but she's not lying now.

I couldn't get het up and I certainly wouldn't side with him. I'd expect her to face up to his distress and then to talk about if they can go on. I'd also want her to think about if this is really the right guy for her. Perhaps it's not.

Nearlyalmost50 Mon 16-Sep-19 09:27:34

And- keep out of it. Don't support them, let your dd make her own decisions. Don't pressure her to stay with him, either, as some type of penance.

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