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Is this cheating?

(53 Posts)
JoySomber Thu 12-Sep-19 20:50:58

Name changed

Me and my DH have been together for almost 7 years married for 4. And we have 2 boys 5 and 2 and a 5 month old girl

I caught DH messaging his friend saying if He was single he would date her. I confronted him and he said he would but he isn't single so he wouldn't do anything with her.

Now last night my eldest was playing on his phone and messages popped up with his friend and I looked through some of the texts and a few weeks ago DH was asking if she wanted to go for a drink with him.

And then on Sunday he said really enjoyed yesterday xx.

I mentioned it to him and asked why I was spying on his messages when I wasn't

Is this cheating? What can I do?

RJoneszy Thu 12-Sep-19 22:40:19

He will try and blame you because he's guilty or hiding something that's why. It's called Gaslighting.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor Thu 12-Sep-19 22:48:22

What would you advise your daughter in years to come if she presented this to you?

Wouldn't you tell her to kick this lying cheating disrespectful twat into touch?

He's cheated on you. You know this.

I suppose the question is what are you willing to put up with? Who cares what he tells people about your break up. You'll be giving them the correct version of events.

You deserve better. Way better.

JoySomber Thu 12-Sep-19 22:53:43

I'd also have to find a place to live as the house is in his name.

I just feel so stupid that I trusted him for so long

leomama81 Thu 12-Sep-19 22:56:10

If you are married and have kids it is not necessarily true that you'd have to leave just because the house is in his name, you still have rights.

LL83 Thu 12-Sep-19 23:03:12

Dont ask him if it is cheating ask him if it is acceptable behaviour? Is it ok to tell another woman "I would date you if single" then meet this woman for a drink. Dont care if he calls it cheating he must know it is wrong.

And it is not a court of law, you dont have to have proof he is cheating if the trust is not there then the relationship will not survive.

Pinkbonbon Thu 12-Sep-19 23:04:45

He sounds like a horrible person anyway.

He did something rotten and rather than apologising he is telling you you 'don't have proof!?!?!?' and ignoring you. Wtf. Is that the behaviour of someone who cares about you? Seems like he only gives a shit about himself.

PointlessUsername Thu 12-Sep-19 23:09:37

What proof do you need?.
He has already met up with her & not told you.

Him ignoring you is because he has notjing to say without digging a bigger hole.

Neisha98 Thu 12-Sep-19 23:16:23

Yeah. Ask him how he would react if he caught you in an identical situation.

squee123 Thu 12-Sep-19 23:21:05

If he's the sort to make stuff up about you he'll do it regardless of whether you have proof. And do you really want to be with someone just because you can't kick them to the kerb in case they lie about you?

Mumtoaperfectbabyboy Thu 12-Sep-19 23:24:26

Try asking him to see it from your point of view and ask him would he be ok if you did what he's done with another man...

Drogosnextwife Thu 12-Sep-19 23:26:47

He may not have physically cheated but he obviously wants to.

emzeexb Fri 13-Sep-19 00:14:15

Sweetheart, you do not need this. You have a infant, a toddler and a school aged child. He sounds vile and he's gaslighting you and making you feel shit, he doesn't care about your feelings and the fact that you're going crazy inside.

Proof? The proof is, he told her he would date her if he was single. Then he went to drinks with her? And texted her saying he enjoyed it? The fact he's enjoying drinks with another woman while you're juggling children HE GAVE YOU, at home is enough to leave him.

Gain some self worth, you're better than this.

Soola Fri 13-Sep-19 01:23:20

He’s a liar, a minimiser, deceitful, sly, dodgy CHEAT!

JoySomber Fri 13-Sep-19 08:25:48

He's also now deleted the messages so he knows he's guilty.

He's acting like nothing happened as he's off work today and he's saying when he's taken 5 year old to school we could take younger 2 somewhere.

Mumofone1860 Fri 13-Sep-19 08:36:41

I am so sorry but he turned the blame on you, didn't tell you who he was meeting Saturday, ignored you, deleted messages and is now trying to take you on a day out today... He is pretty much doing everything in the cheaters textbook.

I honestly can't imagine how hard it must be, with him owning the home it has made it alot harder for you, especially if you don't have savings.

He will start deleting messages now and being more careful but I think at the least you need to start putting aside savings so that you can leave if you need to flowers

JoySomber Fri 13-Sep-19 09:45:31

I'm going to try and start saving but It may take a while as I'm on maternity leave

MrJollyLivesNextDoor Fri 13-Sep-19 09:59:18

I recommend you see a solicitor and find out where you stand financially. Try and get a free consultation.

Even if you don't act on it right now, this knowledge will be useful.

And if you're not going to leave then you should absolutely start planning for the day when you do. As he knows you're onto him now and has already deleted anything incriminating...he will be very careful from now on. Not a nice way to live though is it.

AmIThough Fri 13-Sep-19 10:03:58

He's cheating on you, even if it's emotionally.
He wouldn't delete messages if he had nothing to hide.
He'd tell you he was meeting her.
He wouldn't flirt with her.
There's your proof.

JoySomber Fri 13-Sep-19 10:14:30

I know he is cheating or thinking about it because when i confronted him he said he wasn't cheating and now he's deleted the messages.

On Tuesday I'll try and speak to a solicitor as he's off work for the next 4 days

nonmerci Fri 13-Sep-19 10:16:01

Not sure if he has cheated but he wants to and that would be enough for me I’m afraid. He met up with her behind your back too so that’s enough of a reason to end the marriage.

JoySomber Fri 13-Sep-19 11:20:08

I don't know why he would cheat though.

barryfromclareisfit Fri 13-Sep-19 11:25:04

People don’t need a reason. Opportunity is enough.

JoySomber Fri 13-Sep-19 12:14:29

And he's acting like nothing happened and that he didn't do anything

squee123 Sat 14-Sep-19 08:43:11

because he has no regard for your feelings and is minimising his behaviour

sprite25 Mon 16-Sep-19 10:30:54

He sounds like a complete bastard, sorry OP.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be to go through that with 3 young kids but don't let him just brush this under the carpet.
He's flirted and met up with this woman,
he's tried to act like your the one in the wrong, he's the type to make something up to blame you if you were to separate... I'd have kicked his arse out already! And as for the other woman I'd send her a message detailing all his gross/lazy/annoying habits and tell her she's welcome to him!

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