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Is this cheating?

(53 Posts)
JoySomber Thu 12-Sep-19 20:50:58

Name changed

Me and my DH have been together for almost 7 years married for 4. And we have 2 boys 5 and 2 and a 5 month old girl

I caught DH messaging his friend saying if He was single he would date her. I confronted him and he said he would but he isn't single so he wouldn't do anything with her.

Now last night my eldest was playing on his phone and messages popped up with his friend and I looked through some of the texts and a few weeks ago DH was asking if she wanted to go for a drink with him.

And then on Sunday he said really enjoyed yesterday xx.

I mentioned it to him and asked why I was spying on his messages when I wasn't

Is this cheating? What can I do?

SuzieBishop Thu 12-Sep-19 20:53:43

So he’s obviously met up with her behind your back. You need to ask him to tell you the truth. And don’t let him turn it back on you, for example asking why you were spying on him. He needs to answer your questions.

RLOU30 Thu 12-Sep-19 20:55:44

Yes fuck that- there’s more to this. I’m sorry

StormBaby Thu 12-Sep-19 20:56:09

Sorry to say yes, this is 100% cheating, but then I do have very firm boundaries and messages back and forth cross that line for me. If my partner is spending more time talking to someone else on a daily basis, they're emotionally checked out, and that's without the meeting up part.

lyingwanker Thu 12-Sep-19 21:00:06

Might not be physically cheating but it's 100% emotionally cheating isn't it? It crosses that line for me

MrsRufusdog789 Thu 12-Sep-19 21:01:36

He's certainly been flirting with her and most likely has met up with her .
Do you know who this friend of your DH is ?
With three children - one a very new baby this must be a devastating thing for you and it's to your credit you seem so calm about it .
There's no way he should be saying if he were single he'd take her out - he's perhaps inadvertently given her the come on when perhaps she was wanting some sort of reassurance .
Who knows - only him . And whoever this awful woman is as she knows he's a married man with responsibilities . Stay calm but tell him you have seen the texts . See what he says .

JoySomber Thu 12-Sep-19 21:03:21

On Saturday he went to the football and then he said he was going for a drink with his friend who he went to the match with.

He said i dont have any proof that he's cheating because he isn't

mrswarthog Thu 12-Sep-19 21:05:22

So far, you've read a message saying he'd be in a relationship with her if he wasn't married, another asking her out and a third saying he'd enjoyed their time together. Throw him out. He's stringing her along & is cheating on you.

Pinkbonbon Thu 12-Sep-19 21:06:26

Its disrespectful and bang our of order. He fancies her whether he would act on it or not so its totally inappropriate for him to meet her alone.

You tell him he cannot meet this woman one on one anymore (assuming it wasn't a group meeting). Quite frankly, unless she is a longggg time friend, I'd expect him to totally cut contact.

Did he cheat? Who knows. But he isn't respecting appropriate moral boundaries for a married man.

Don't let him make you the bad guy here, you aren't.

Turnedouttoes Thu 12-Sep-19 21:08:44

In my eyes, anything you wouldn’t do/say in front of your partner is cheating.

Morgan12 Thu 12-Sep-19 21:12:51

Well even if nothing happened between them he still met with a woman behind your back. Why the need to lie about it? If he hasn't cheated yet then he certainly wants to.

JoySomber Thu 12-Sep-19 21:14:21

Yes I know this friend and she used to work with him and knows he's married and has 2 children (not sure if he told her about dd as she left working with him before she was born).

I wouldn't mind so much but this friend knows he's married and even told him that she wasn't interested in him when he said he would be with her if he wasn't with me. But she knows he's married so I'm not sure why she would agree to meet him if it was another one of his friends who didn't know he was married (he doesn't wear his ring because he doesn't swear jewellery) I wouldn't be angry at them.

I am angry at him as well though because when he met with her on Saturday he knew how I was struggling with dd not sleeping and my 2 year old being ill and my 5 year old wanting to go out but he said he was meeting his friend and he doesn't see him often and he only came for the match so he wanted a catch up.

SherbetSaucer Thu 12-Sep-19 21:28:28

If he’s not cheating already he’s definitely trying to. It seems to be the classic life at home has become all about children so he wants all the attention on him again scenario.

supersop60 Thu 12-Sep-19 21:30:19

So he lied about meeting his friend on Saturday so he could meet up with this woman? wanting to date her? inviting her for a drink?
It's not on. Emotional cheating atm. It will lead to to an affair if it is not stopped.
He has crossed a line. What do you want to do OP?

JoySomber Thu 12-Sep-19 21:39:49

I don't know what I want to do.

I'm just so upset that he would cheat/think about it

xcxcsophiexcxc Thu 12-Sep-19 21:42:04

Sorry to say this doesn't sound good. I'd be ringing bee straight up and (not in an aggressive way) but asking what they've been doing together one woman to another.

Neisha98 Thu 12-Sep-19 21:47:19

Talk to him. Ask him what he was thinking when he said that. Ask him if he really loves you. If he thinks the last seven years were worth it if he would so easily say that he would be with someone else if you weren't in the picture. Tell him how much all this upsets you. And if he's going to say things like that then he needs to reevaluate his whole situation, marriage and fatherhood included.

JoySomber Thu 12-Sep-19 22:19:05

I tried to talk to him but he said he didn't cheat and just wanted to meet up with his friend

And he's now ignoring me

Neisha98 Thu 12-Sep-19 22:20:12

I'm sorry about your problems. Personally, I'd go to the extreme to get answers.

Happyspud Thu 12-Sep-19 22:21:03

He’s a liar and a sneaky fucker at the very least. Do you really want to be with someone like that and show your kids that it’s ok to be like that?

Neisha98 Thu 12-Sep-19 22:22:55

I agree. What does your gut tell you? And do you want your kids to learn that being treated in such a way is okay?

JoySomber Thu 12-Sep-19 22:31:38

No i dont want they kids to think it's OK.

But I won't know what to do because he won't talk about it but I wouldn't have 'proof' that he's cheating so he'd tell everyone I did something and he broke up with me

C0untDucku1a Thu 12-Sep-19 22:35:54

You dont need proof btw.

JoySomber Thu 12-Sep-19 22:37:39

I know but he would probably try and blame me somehow

RJoneszy Thu 12-Sep-19 22:39:07

Emotional affair. Sorry Op. You need to ask him about it, Jesus it will eat you up...

RJoneszy Thu 12-Sep-19 22:40:19

He will try and blame you because he's guilty or hiding something that's why. It's called Gaslighting.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor Thu 12-Sep-19 22:48:22

What would you advise your daughter in years to come if she presented this to you?

Wouldn't you tell her to kick this lying cheating disrespectful twat into touch?

He's cheated on you. You know this.

I suppose the question is what are you willing to put up with? Who cares what he tells people about your break up. You'll be giving them the correct version of events.

You deserve better. Way better.

JoySomber Thu 12-Sep-19 22:53:43

I'd also have to find a place to live as the house is in his name.

I just feel so stupid that I trusted him for so long

leomama81 Thu 12-Sep-19 22:56:10

If you are married and have kids it is not necessarily true that you'd have to leave just because the house is in his name, you still have rights.

LL83 Thu 12-Sep-19 23:03:12

Dont ask him if it is cheating ask him if it is acceptable behaviour? Is it ok to tell another woman "I would date you if single" then meet this woman for a drink. Dont care if he calls it cheating he must know it is wrong.

And it is not a court of law, you dont have to have proof he is cheating if the trust is not there then the relationship will not survive.

Pinkbonbon Thu 12-Sep-19 23:04:45

He sounds like a horrible person anyway.

He did something rotten and rather than apologising he is telling you you 'don't have proof!?!?!?' and ignoring you. Wtf. Is that the behaviour of someone who cares about you? Seems like he only gives a shit about himself.

PointlessUsername Thu 12-Sep-19 23:09:37

What proof do you need?.
He has already met up with her & not told you.

Him ignoring you is because he has notjing to say without digging a bigger hole.

Neisha98 Thu 12-Sep-19 23:16:23

Yeah. Ask him how he would react if he caught you in an identical situation.

squee123 Thu 12-Sep-19 23:21:05

If he's the sort to make stuff up about you he'll do it regardless of whether you have proof. And do you really want to be with someone just because you can't kick them to the kerb in case they lie about you?

Mumtoaperfectbabyboy Thu 12-Sep-19 23:24:26

Try asking him to see it from your point of view and ask him would he be ok if you did what he's done with another man...

Drogosnextwife Thu 12-Sep-19 23:26:47

He may not have physically cheated but he obviously wants to.

emzeexb Fri 13-Sep-19 00:14:15

Sweetheart, you do not need this. You have a infant, a toddler and a school aged child. He sounds vile and he's gaslighting you and making you feel shit, he doesn't care about your feelings and the fact that you're going crazy inside.

Proof? The proof is, he told her he would date her if he was single. Then he went to drinks with her? And texted her saying he enjoyed it? The fact he's enjoying drinks with another woman while you're juggling children HE GAVE YOU, at home is enough to leave him.

Gain some self worth, you're better than this.

Soola Fri 13-Sep-19 01:23:20

He’s a liar, a minimiser, deceitful, sly, dodgy CHEAT!

JoySomber Fri 13-Sep-19 08:25:48

He's also now deleted the messages so he knows he's guilty.

He's acting like nothing happened as he's off work today and he's saying when he's taken 5 year old to school we could take younger 2 somewhere.

Mumofone1860 Fri 13-Sep-19 08:36:41

I am so sorry but he turned the blame on you, didn't tell you who he was meeting Saturday, ignored you, deleted messages and is now trying to take you on a day out today... He is pretty much doing everything in the cheaters textbook.

I honestly can't imagine how hard it must be, with him owning the home it has made it alot harder for you, especially if you don't have savings.

He will start deleting messages now and being more careful but I think at the least you need to start putting aside savings so that you can leave if you need to flowers

JoySomber Fri 13-Sep-19 09:45:31

I'm going to try and start saving but It may take a while as I'm on maternity leave

MrJollyLivesNextDoor Fri 13-Sep-19 09:59:18

I recommend you see a solicitor and find out where you stand financially. Try and get a free consultation.

Even if you don't act on it right now, this knowledge will be useful.

And if you're not going to leave then you should absolutely start planning for the day when you do. As he knows you're onto him now and has already deleted anything incriminating...he will be very careful from now on. Not a nice way to live though is it.

AmIThough Fri 13-Sep-19 10:03:58

He's cheating on you, even if it's emotionally.
He wouldn't delete messages if he had nothing to hide.
He'd tell you he was meeting her.
He wouldn't flirt with her.
There's your proof.

JoySomber Fri 13-Sep-19 10:14:30

I know he is cheating or thinking about it because when i confronted him he said he wasn't cheating and now he's deleted the messages.

On Tuesday I'll try and speak to a solicitor as he's off work for the next 4 days

nonmerci Fri 13-Sep-19 10:16:01

Not sure if he has cheated but he wants to and that would be enough for me I’m afraid. He met up with her behind your back too so that’s enough of a reason to end the marriage.

JoySomber Fri 13-Sep-19 11:20:08

I don't know why he would cheat though.

barryfromclareisfit Fri 13-Sep-19 11:25:04

People don’t need a reason. Opportunity is enough.

JoySomber Fri 13-Sep-19 12:14:29

And he's acting like nothing happened and that he didn't do anything

squee123 Sat 14-Sep-19 08:43:11

because he has no regard for your feelings and is minimising his behaviour

sprite25 Mon 16-Sep-19 10:30:54

He sounds like a complete bastard, sorry OP.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be to go through that with 3 young kids but don't let him just brush this under the carpet.
He's flirted and met up with this woman,
he's tried to act like your the one in the wrong, he's the type to make something up to blame you if you were to separate... I'd have kicked his arse out already! And as for the other woman I'd send her a message detailing all his gross/lazy/annoying habits and tell her she's welcome to him!

Delatron Mon 16-Sep-19 12:30:37

You have al the proof you need and you should be going ballistic with him.

He’s lied. He’s met up with her and lied about that. ‘Really enjoyed yesterday’ is all the proof you need. He sounds horrible.

andrea11745 Wed 23-Oct-19 05:13:14

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GinGym Wed 23-Oct-19 05:54:42

Cheating or not, he is being completely disrespectful to you by telling someone else he would be with her "if it wasn't for you". I suppose ir depends on where your boundaries lie but I reckon his behaviour would be over the line for most people

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