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I wish I'd had girls

(138 Posts)
belleandbete Sun 08-Sep-19 21:39:57

I know I will get some terrible flaming for this and I probably deserve it, but I'm trying to be honest about my feelings and get past this. I have seen many threads on here recently on gender disappointment/ how great boys are and wanted to add my honest perspective.

I have three DS's, ages 8, 5 and 1. They are all much loved and I am a very involved parent- show an interest in all their activities/ spend one on one time and family time/ play with them/ read with them/ listen to them/ set boundaries/ give consequences/ follow through/ am consistent etc etc They get enough food and sleep and everything else.

But still, life is frequently incredibly tough with them. They are so so so physical and boisterous. They are constantly play fighting/ wrestling/ using anything they can find as a weapon. I find their physicality absolutely exhausting and also, if I'm honest, incredibly offputting. Someone is always always getting hurt. I find most of their interests and activities tedious (I hate sports- they love it. I hate battles and violence and star wars and spaceships and weapons etc etc etc.) . I find the way they play incredibly stressful. They have little to no interest in things like people/ relationships/ friendships etc which were and are my major interests in life. They are often violent/ physical with each other, no matter how clear the consequences. Most of my life is spent telling them to stop/ sit down/ watch out/ get off your brother etc etc. I try to get them interested in things like art/ music/ dance/ reading etc and they take a passing interest but it never really sticks. And contrary to the popular belief that boys are emotionally simple and not complex, this just doens't seem to be true at all in our case. THey have huge tantrums/ meltdowns/ upsets/ anxiety all the time. The eldest is in therapy for anxiety.

I see friends with girls and their lives seem so calm and easy in comparison. Yes there are issues of course, but their interests seem so familiar and fun to me. The energy levels seem so much calmer. the mums seem to have genuine fun and shared interests with their daughters. The girls . seem so much better at resolving conflicts and are almost never violent etc etc. No matter how much I love my boys, and I really really do, I feel life would have been so much easier and nicer if i had had girls (or at least one girl)

I never let them know any of this by the way and go out of my way to make them feel incredibly loved. Is it just me? Anyone have similar or contradictory experiences to share with no judgement?

BikeRunSki Sun 08-Sep-19 21:41:59

You’ve just described my 8 year old DD.

louise5754 Sun 08-Sep-19 21:42:11

If it's any consolation my girls are always fighting throwing punching each other. They aren't girly or into dolls. They love climbing trees and playing in mud x

Butterbeeeen Sun 08-Sep-19 21:43:04

We nicknamed DD Godzilla from being tiny. She plays typically boy sports and when fun fighting with her male friend the other day his mother said “oh no I’m not sure he realises what he has let himself in for here I think she is going to flip him”. She also brings more drama than my DS. The grass may seem greener but it’s not always the case.

I should point out this is all light hearted and she is awesome just not very girly.

AudTheDeepMinded Sun 08-Sep-19 21:49:06

I hear you. I have three boys (9, 7 and 4). They shout, they play fight, they real fight, they climb, they throw things, they demolish things. My sister has two girls who sit and colour. I'm not saying all children confirm to traditional gender stereotypes but mine seems to have rad some sort of manual from the 1950s on how to be the most boyish boys ever. It's exhausting.
They of course aren't all bad but my goodness some days are trying.

user1493494961 Sun 08-Sep-19 21:49:18

I know someone with four boys who now has six granddaughters, so your time may yet come, but in the meantime, enjoy your lovely boys. Maybe you will have common interests as they get older.

StitchingMoss Sun 08-Sep-19 21:52:10

I have two boys and don’t recognise your description of family life at all.

My boys are empathetic and kind, have a wide range of interests and I love spending time with them.

I would ban the phrase gender disappointment if I could. I loathe it with a passion.

Dahlietta Sun 08-Sep-19 21:52:51

DS1 is 7 and his favourite things in life are reading, conversation and gardening. He only knows what Star Wars is because his friends are interested in it. Do you think you encourage their 'boyish' interests because you expected them, if you see what I mean?

SudowoodoVoodoo Sun 08-Sep-19 21:55:46

My 8 & 6 yos get physical with each other a lot. I joke a lot that I try to tire them out but they only get fitter! It can be mind numbing when it feels like they can't leave eachother alone, or I'm being monologued relentlessly about Minecraft.

It makes a difference if I can get some 1:1 time with them and they calm right down and show their most delightful side. One is more sporty than the other so over the holiday he did a few days of sports club, and his brother and I had a quiet day together. Win, win.

They do genuinely love each other too, and are very sweet when they snuggle on the sofa together Minecrafting... until one boops the other or demolishes something...

There's no guarentee girls would have been quiet/ calmer. The last girl in the family was a total tomboy and was into everything "boy" from that age until her teenage years.

AudTheDeepMinded Sun 08-Sep-19 21:57:30

Dahlietta in my case, most definitely not. In some ways they all have quieter characteristics/traits but I think being in a group brings out some sort of pack instinct. It is changing as they get older but my goodness the NOISE is indescribable sometimes, sheer volume, not anger or aggression.

Laquila Sun 08-Sep-19 21:57:50

Your post is depressing, OP, but I do empathise a little. I have two boys (6 and 3.5) and they are sometimes a bit overwhelming, but I wouldn’t swap them for the world. They have a relatively broad range of interests, but it may be that I find things harder as they get older.

Aud - my mother, who only had girls, ADORES my boys but has been amazed to find that they rarely just sit and colour, which she alleges I did about 98% of the time growing up 😂

shitpark Sun 08-Sep-19 21:58:14

I have sons and one daughter. My 12 year old was once wild, always climbing, jumping off things, physical dare devil, hitting kicking bad tempers. He is now the most lovely calm boy you could hope to meet. He is patient, kind, generous, polite, never violent. My daughter is 9, and sulky, manipulative if she can get away with it, vengeful, etc. It is just different stages, I'm hoping that with gentle guidance she will become as lovely as her brothers .

MrsBungle Sun 08-Sep-19 21:59:24

I have a dd and a ds. They both go on just as you describe. My dd is a Thai boxer and is constantly punching and kicking the air or the couch or whatnot.

Laquila Sun 08-Sep-19 21:59:39

Voodoo I get a lot of seemingly endlessly monologues about about Ninjago at the moment...I’m trying to feign an interest 😂

Dieu Sun 08-Sep-19 22:00:17

Hi OP. I have 3 daughters, and my sister has 3 sons.
Sure, her boys are more physically demanding. From a young age, they needed to be run off at the park like a pack of dogs grin
Mine would colour in and play indoors etc, but are far more emotionally/mentally demanding. Her boys were much simpler in this respect. Mine also seem a bit more moany than the boys.
There is good and bad on both sides, and with each individual child! I can understand why you're finding it hard though thanks

NotWavingButMNing Sun 08-Sep-19 22:00:58

All children have easy and difficult ages.
Some are easy babies and nightmare teenagers.
Some create drama with friendships and others never do. It's easy to stereotype and I do believe that in general boys can be harder when young than girls. Of course there are always exceptions but watching my friends and families children growing up that is my observation.
You can be smug once they are teenagers and your friends with girls are finding parenting more difficult. My boys were like yours as little boys but from about 10 + they just got calmer and easier. Both adults now and both quiet, gentle, caring and empathetic.

Whoops75 Sun 08-Sep-19 22:01:37

I’ve got 3 boys too
My friend has three girls

I understand your post completely, I never looked forward to weekends because it was all sports etc
I do love being a mom of boys and would have never changed them.

The teenage years have been kinder to me than my friend.

Enjoy what you have, the grass isn’t always greener.

Lumene Sun 08-Sep-19 22:03:14

You are assuming that the challenges you are finding parenting your children are down to their sex and would all be much less challenging if that were different.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 08-Sep-19 22:03:48

Little boys are delicious. However you’ve just described my nephew. He’s so loving but My God Lord he’s wild. I know it’s cliche to say it, but You really do a 360 heAd when he’s around. I’m constantly terrified of him hurting himself. Oh and he won’t hold your hand. He’s off like a rocket. That God for reins. Gives them a bit of freedom and me piece of mind.
However all that said. You’ve also just described my sister his mum. His brother OTOH you honestly don’t know you’ve got him even as a baby and toddler. Therefore does gender really come into to oy

AudTheDeepMinded Sun 08-Sep-19 22:05:19

Laquila if we do craft it's literally 5 minutes of piling as much paint onto a single piece of paper as possible before painting themselves blue or making aeroplanes out of the rest of the paper. And they definitely need to be excercised like dogs! I HATE very wet days.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 08-Sep-19 22:06:13

Regardless of gender all kids at some time In their lives will bring challenges. If it doesn’t happen when they’re 8 months 18 months 8 years or 18 years. It’ll probably happen when they’re 28

Northernsoullover Sun 08-Sep-19 22:06:13

My two boys have no interest in ANY activities other than screens. Believe me I've tried. They do both have ASD though. I can understand, but your post still makes me cross. There is no guarantee that girls would be any easier. My partners daughters spend most of their day fighting. My two never fight. I find them easy.

CaviarAndCigarettes Sun 08-Sep-19 22:06:55

I have one son and two daughters.. the screeching... what the actual ** is with the screeching?
And honestly my middle daughter could be a drag queen. 20+ outfit changes a day. Wigs gloves and all. She leaves a clothing trail wherever she goes.
Then the constant why isn't my hair as long as my sisters. Why isn't my hair white like princess Elsa’s? Mummy can you turn me into Elsa. Mummy now I am Elsa and I shall no longer answer to anything else (FYI baby sis is Anna, boy child is Olaf and I'm Cinderella...)
Boys are super.

Mallowmarshmallow Sun 08-Sep-19 22:07:11

I don't think this is related to their gender at all, it's just the children they are.

I have one of each: DS (5) is empathetic, gentle, thoughtful and emotional. DD (3) is mature, wild, physical and smart.

I try (and don't always succeed) to breathe in exactly who they are and appreciate them just as they are. I spend a lot of my time wondering just how my children ended up so completely different from each other...!

MissClementine Sun 08-Sep-19 22:07:16

My daughters argue a lot and are physical at times, hit each other, grab each other’s stuff, wind each other up. They rarely have a nice word to say to each other but occasionally they can be very loving.

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