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How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

(580 Posts)
paleandstale Wed 04-Sep-19 15:21:18

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

TheLightSideOfTheMoon Wed 04-Sep-19 15:24:42

His parents, his problem.

They threw away your belongings. That is unforgivable.

DH needs to tell them to leave you alone.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon Wed 04-Sep-19 15:25:36

And she ruined the relationship.

You've done nothing.

Shylo Wed 04-Sep-19 15:25:48

I wouldn’t forgive, ever I don’t think, and their behaviour is appalling - why should YOU feel bad about your reaction

I would restated your feelings and say I wanted some space and then I’d block them for a week or so on my phone and tell your DH not to relay any of their conversations with you. Time and space will hopefully mean you can be civil to them but I’d be fucked if I ever let them into my house unattended ever again

Aquamarine1029 Wed 04-Sep-19 15:27:22

Oh my god, I would NOT be getting over this and I don't see how anyone could. What your PIL have done is so cruel, disrespectful, never mind ILLEGAL, that I would not be seeing them again. Ever. How fucking dare they? I'm horrified by this. Isn't your husband equally as furious?

pinkyredrose Wed 04-Sep-19 15:27:35

Thats horrific! She's thrown away irreplaceable belongings, private things she had no business touching. angry on your behalf.

Why did she only throw your stuff out?

Nextphonewontbesamsung Wed 04-Sep-19 15:28:41

No exaggeration here - I would never forgive them!

peachescariad Wed 04-Sep-19 15:29:01

OMG!!! I'm at a loss for words as to how beyond furious I'd be.
Sorry, but I'd never forgive my MIL if she did that....never, ever, ever...
What even possessed her to do it????
I'd not want her over at the weekend....not sure I'd want to see her ever again tbh and if it caused a lifetime rift, then so be it.
Unforgivable IMO

sergeilavrov Wed 04-Sep-19 15:29:23

Block their numbers, say nothing. Your husband needs to understand what a huge deal this is, and respect that. It’s his job to police his own parents, and what they did is an awful thing to do. When he realizes his life becomes significantly less easy when he doesn’t get them to back off, he will get on board. If he’s belittling your feelings (very concerning), I’d tell him to go home to them - that’s completely inappropriate, he’s supposed to be on your team, respecting you. If he’s not doing that, he’s not being a very good husband.

They wouldn’t be coming back into my home again. Ever. I am so, so sorry that they threw away such treasured memories.

Reallybadidea Wed 04-Sep-19 15:29:33

Honestly, I'd just block their numbers for a bit. What they've done is bad enough, but to be badgering you like this is completely unacceptable.

AvengerDanvers95 Wed 04-Sep-19 15:30:16

Tbh you're well within your rights to go so completely fucking ballistic that they are too scared to come near you. How fucking dare she.

AbbieLexie Wed 04-Sep-19 15:32:15

Unforgivable. Livid reading your post. Only your belongings were binned. I am very clear they knew what they were doing. Banned from being in your house and in a very long long time in the future only allowed to be there when they can be supervised. Nothing to be discussed DH is told to tell his DP to leave you alone - do not be involved in any discussion with any of them.

Alwayswithalacrity Wed 04-Sep-19 15:32:15

I could not get past this...it is theft! I would be asking her how she would feel if you went to her house and did something similar...

TheAlternativeTentacle Wed 04-Sep-19 15:32:30

'fuck off out of my face, I never want to see you again' ought to so it.

I'd be raging too if that were me. Fuck them.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 04-Sep-19 15:33:04

One message can be relayed to them by DH, "I need space. If you continue to harass me, I won't have space and the relationship will never recover. Your choice".

The fact is only MIL's feeling are considered to be important in this family so yours never will be. I'd be maintaining cold and polite for ever. Not friendly any more.

7Worfs Wed 04-Sep-19 15:33:26

I’m finding it difficult to believe someone will consider mementos ‘junk’ confused
The belittling of feelings would absolutely madden me and unkind words would have been exchanged.
Just block them until you are ready to talk, your DH can fend them off. I personally would be very cold until a sincere apology is offered.

HennyPennyHorror Wed 04-Sep-19 15:33:37

Awful behavior. Sil did this to mil 15 years ago a d mil hasn't got over it....sil threw all mils books away.

paleandstale Wed 04-Sep-19 15:34:44

@pinkyredrose - I have a theory on why she only chucked my stuff out but that's been rebuffed by MIL herself, natch. angry

@Shylo - yeah, I think I might do that, just block and ask to not hear any of what's being said - I'm quite nosey 9and curious as to how the fuck they are justifying themselves) so I have been asking DH for a rundown - will rein myself in.

I will be ok (ish) with this at some point, i won't have them ever housesit again and I am reconsidering our longer-term relationship and mulling over iof they have been too entwined in our lives - to do something like this suggests they think they are there to control us in some way.

DH is also shocked but he's put up with a lot of shot from them over the years so not overly surprised IYSWIM.

paleandstale Wed 04-Sep-19 15:36:52

@MrsTerryPratchett - I'm going to use that exact line, outlining the consequences of not leaving alone for a while. - thanks, appreciate it

Aquamarine1029 Wed 04-Sep-19 15:37:52

Your MIL did this to HURT you. That is the only reason. This vile, evil bitch would never be within eyesight of me again.

NewNameJust4Today Wed 04-Sep-19 15:40:25

This is just terrible

cranstonmanor Wed 04-Sep-19 15:42:30

Oh they'd never see me again. You're way more forgiving than me.

Modestandatinybitsexy Wed 04-Sep-19 15:47:52

Why the fuck did she think she was entitled enough to even touch your things?! Let alone throw out irreplaceable momentos? She can start apologising by replacing what she can, Mallory towers and sweet valley high items.

Ask your DH to pass on a list. Also detail how you can never get back sentimental family items and you would like a formal apology and some space to consider forgiving her.

PleasedToSeeYou Wed 04-Sep-19 15:48:06

I would never forgive her. It's disgusting that she went through your things but to throw stuff away, unforgivable

Windydaysuponus Wed 04-Sep-19 15:48:30

Tell her next time you will be in her company will be at her funeral.
She sounds like a malicious bitch.
I would never forgive that.

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