Allergic reaction after birthday party - WWYD?

[SinkGirl]

Took my twins to a birthday party yesterday - it was absolutely wonderful. My boys are autistic and I wasn’t sure how they would cope, but they had a fantastic time. The host, another twin Mum I’ve known since they were all babies, went to incredible lengths to cater to their CMPA - she’d bought them special cupcakes for the party, and for their party bag, and dairy free chocolate too. They rarely get things like this so it was a huge treat for them and I was beyond grateful. I never expect anyone to go out of their way like this (I grew up with a nut allergy and was used to just not eating at birthday parties!) so I was so touched by her efforts.

Last night about 11pm, one of my twins woke up screaming - he had leaked poo everywhere and was in a lot of pain as the poo had burnt his skin and he was bleeding in some patches. He was in so much pain when I was cleaning him up. Basically he’s had something he’s allergic to, this is exactly how he reacts.

The only thing I can think of is that the sandwiches on their table had butter in them rather than dairy free spread. I was really flustered at the time dealing with the other twin and didn’t question it like I should have done, which makes it completely my fault. I feel absolutely awful that a) I wasn’t more careful and b) she went to so much effort and expense to cater for them and he’s ended up with this reaction.

He had a ham sandwich and his twin had jam - I’m trying to figure out whether the jam ones had butter in as well to see whether the other twin is about to react too. There’s also the question of whether it was butter or not - if not, I need to consider whether he’s reacted to something else.

Would you ask? I want to avoid her feeling bad at all costs as it’s not her fault in the slightest. We had such a wonderful time and I’m gutted that it’s happened and DT2 is now suffering because I’m an idiot! Still, I should try to figure out what’s caused it in case it is something else.

[birdling]

I would ask, but only in the context of the possibility of it being something else. Thank her for the huge efforts she went to so that she won't feel bad. (She probably will anyway, but at least she won't feel like you are blaming her). If it was the butter however, it is best she knows as it might not have occurred to her or it might has slipped past her mind in the stress of organising a party.
Hope your ds is feeling better soon.

[Sirzy]

I wouldn’t. Sounds like you have pretty much narrowed it down anyway.

Hope he feels better soon

[Banjodancer]

To get the information without making her feel worse, could you mention the reaction but make it sound not as bad? The poor wee thing.

[chamenanged]

If you can manage without mentioning it to her I'd do that. She will feel she has to be super apologetic even though she went to such lengths. By far the most likely thing is that they've eaten an existing allergen by accident - the thing to be learned from it is that until they're old enough to manage it themselves, you just need to be really really vigilant about these things. I feel for you, must be so hard.

[TitianaTitsling]

Could another parent/child at the party have given them something?

[elaeocarpus]

You could say one seems to have had a bit of a reaction to something and it might be a new item, it would be really helpful if she could run through all food ingredients /brands with you for the items you think he's eaten?

[Tojigornot]

I wouldn’t. It sounds like you know what it was.

[RachelEllenR]

I wouldn't ask her, no. Your poor boy, hope he's better soon!

[Herocomplex]

No I wouldn’t. She’s just hosted a birthday party where she made an effort to be inclusive, she’ll be upset if you ask her.
What’s happened has happened, unfortunately it’s up to you to oversee what they eat. It’s too much of a risk relying on others people’s prep unless they are completely appraised. Could be they used the same knife to put the butter and the df spread on the sandwiches? I’d always take my own food, it’s not worth the risk.
I’m very sorry your child has been ill, it’s an awful responsibility looking after dc’s with allergies. I hope he feels better soon.

[SouthernLands]

I wouldn't. It is so rare to find a parent willing to include SN children in parties, and for her to go out of her way to organise food, I'd not be willing to risk it.

You have a pretty good idea what it was. Although realistically he could also have picked up something another child had dropped.

[saraclara]

What's to be gained by asking her? I can't see a benefit. And the downside is she (and other people who might hear the story from her when she needs a shoulder to cry on because she feels so bad) won't ever invite your twins to anything again.

I hope he feels better soon.

[EssentialHummus]

I wouldn't either. I'm really sorry OP, your poor boy. Is it possible he picked up and ate something else out of your sight?

[ladygracie]

I think you have to ask her so that you can be sure of what it was.

[SinkGirl]

I don’t think they had anything else - there was birthday cake they couldn’t have but they were very engrossed in their own special cupcakes at that point!

I can’t tell you how many times I said thank you to her - I am so grateful for the efforts she went to (even down to ensuring that the things in their party bag were safe for them as they mouth small items), she did an incredible job and I feel so terrible about it all on all sides! I think I was so relaxed by the efforts she made that I stopped my usual worrying mode and was just letting them have fun, my guard was down and I completely messed up.

Obviously it’s not the end of the world, he’s not anaphylactic and his bum will heal. It’s horrible for him and it’s the first reaction he’s had in well over a year. I am usually so careful. I just feel terrible.

I agree that it might be worth letting her know about the butter / spread for future reference as it’s an easy thing to miss, but the last thing I want to do is undermine the effort she went to.

[Quaffy]

Don’t ask. However you phrase it, it’s clear you’re suggesting your child has a reaction to something she provided and she will feel guilty and be upset - and if it were me, I would be put off trying to be so inclusive in future for fear of it happening again.

[Quaffy]

Also hope your son feels better

[LizzieSiddal]

I’d ask but downplay the baby’s reaction so she doesn’t feel so awful. You could also say that it could have been something else they had eaten the day, again to stop her worrying.

[ItsInTheSpoon]

I wouldn’t ask her

[KitKat1985]

I wouldn't ask her. It's happened now and you can't change it. And she'll only feel bad if you tell her.

[Mittler]

Don't ask. However you phrase it, it’s clear you’re suggesting your child has a reaction to something she provided and she will feel guilty and be upset - and if it were me, I would be put off trying to be so inclusive in future for fear of it happening again

^^ this, I'm afraid, OP.

[FuckFacePlatapus]

His allergic reaction would of come up straight away after eating, not hours afterwards.

[NovemberWitch]

I wouldn’t mention it for the reasons already given, they sound like very challenging guests and she did her best, but next time I’d be hyper vigilante.
The other thought is that my DS had a best friend who was allergic to a number of common triggers, and his mum packed a birthday box for him so he could attend parties and be safe whilst participating. Everyone was fine with it, including thorough hand and face washing after eating before games.

[Pepperama]

I’ve got a CMPA child with similar reaction, he’s probably a bit older than yours. Parties can still be tricky, although fine in 90%. Butter sounds very likely, so I wouldn’t contact the other mum. just remember if they’re invited to a party next time to say that the key things to look out for are ‘milk, butter, cream and whey’ and that lactose free isn’t the same as dairy free. This has generally been very successful, and a few years in most of my ds’ mates’ parents know what he can and can’t have. But we also still get very occasional self-sabotage at school and parties where ds knows he isn’t supposed to have something but it just looks too tempting.

[Sirzy]

Not necessarily fuckface not all reactions react the same way.

[KatherineJaneway]

I wouldn't say a thing. It's happened now. You don't know for sure what caused the reaction and if you ask you are basically accusing her. No good can come of talking to her.