Is your partner a happy/ cheery sort or a serious / moody fucker?

[MoodyFucker]

Ive name changed for this. I feel really embarrassed.

Recently I've moved internally to a new department - it's in a different location and is mainly males- think construction type industry. Most of them are soo lovely. I have settled in really quickly and have laughed so much already. There's always someone having a joke, saying something funny, just general banter. They all seem so cheery and have something to laugh about even when shit happens. It's made me realise how this jovial, light heartedness isn't in my home or life. My dh is nothing like this and I think it really affects my mood. I've been with him since 18 and don't know if it's just me.

In contrast, my DH is moody, snaps at the kids/me, seems to have something negative to say about anything and the worst of it all is the look on his face - it's like a look of contempt- It ruins my mood in an instant. My DF is also like this and I remember my DM thinking the same out him, complaining how he just wasn't a happy, cheery sort of man.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I know everyone won't be a happy, cheery sort of person but surely the other alternative isn't this, is it?

[CmdrCressidaDuck]

No, it isn't. Most people are just, you know, normal. Happy sometimes, less happy sometimes, but not constantly moody, snappy and contemptuous. That's grim.

If contempt has set in... I think the relationship is already over. There is actually research on it.

[TheGirlOnTheLanding]

Oh dear. A fun sponge. I can see why that would be hard to live with. In answer to your question, my DH isn't always a sunny soul (life and it's dramas can get him down from time to time) but he is often cheery, knows how to have a laugh and can be very, very funny - and when he thinks he's been having a moan he makes a conscious effort to lift his mood, whether it's with exercise, distraction or just asking for a hug. If he felt very down over the long term, we'd be discussing seeing his GP, because I'd be worried he wasn't himself.

Even when he's been feeling low, though, he has never, ever looked at me with contempt and I think that's what stood out and made me saddest when I read your post. I couldn't tolerate that at all. I'd be questioning why I was with someone who made me feel that way. Sorry, OP, if that's hard to hear but I think you deserve better.

[LettuceBeFree]

I think perspective is sometimes a little important to. A lot of people put on a happiness/cheery act at work, around people they don't well or to the general public. People often feel comfortable to be "themselves" at home so without knowing how these men behave at home, it isn't a fair comparison. My ex was always very nice to outsiders, the general public and regarded as the life and soul of every party and made very optimistic, cheery social media posts. Initially when he met me, he was very happy-go-lucky seeming, yet after a few months, he started to show his moody, cynical, bitter, irritated self to me (even small things would trigger his sulking) and from his stories of him and his previous girlfriends, it was quite obvious he was the same with them in the end too yet to the outside, no one had a clue.

[Shoxfordian]

My dh is generally happy and we laugh all the time. I'm sorry op, sounds miserable

[frillingmeloftily]

Oh, OP. Your partner should be somebody whose company you enjoy! Yours sounds a proper grump.

DH is lovely - positive, kind, easy going...I don't feel that our marriage could work if he was just unpleasant to be around.

(Obviously both he and I have our moments but I'm speaking in general terms).

[lifebegins50]

Contempt is a relationship killer and I think long term can harm your health as you end up walking on eggshells, which causes adrenal fatigue.

I remember having a similar light bulb moment when a family member told me how her Dh & her were laughing and it struck me that I never had that with Ex H.

The lack of fun happens slowly but once you recognise what is lacking it's hard to go back to. The light is on and you are conscious of the dark moods.
Since divorce our household is back to "normal" great days when we are all in a good mood, mixed days when some of us are up/down. Importantly the moods do not last long and everyone apologies if they have been grumpy or snappy.
No more walking on eggshells and no one feels contempt for each other. Being silly/having fun is actively encouraged.

[tisonlymeagain]

My ex-DH became quite negative. He wasn't always like that, and I did enjoy his company but as we got older I just felt he became more of a "glass is half empty" kind of guy and I found it a bit draining. There seemed to be a lack of enthusiasm and excitement which is the opposite to my personality.

My DP now is completely the opposite, he's so positive about everything, has such a great outlook and it rubs off on you. I've found myself more relaxed and fun as a consequence.

[MoodyFucker]

Thanks for your replies.

I don't know what to do.

[Stompythedinosaur]

Do is chilled and generally happy. I am the moody fucker around here! I am happy when with dp most of the time though.

[WineGummyBear]

Poor you OP. Sounds like the new work environment has really brought it all into focus.

I think the next thing to do is have a think about what you want.

Really sorry you are in this situation.

[cloudyinjune]

OP my DH is the same. As someone said here, a fun sponge, love it.

At work my colleagues are so nice, if I meet friends, so nice. I come home to him and it is over.

I feel bad that I didn't see this first and married him. A good man, but a joy killer.

Sorry OP

[PixieLumos]

No that’s not the alternative and it sounds like a stressful way to live! But just because you’re colleagues are happy and cheerful at work it doesn’t mean they're always like that at home - I don’t think it’s the best comparison to make. My DH and I are mostly cheerful and joking around but we all have our bad days - I reckon that’s ‘normal’. If it’s really making you feel down things need to change - I think not being able to enjoy your partner’s company is a slippery slope.

[HighlandWorrier]

My DH is either grumpy or totally bonkers and fun there is no in between.

[FruHagen]

Mine is like this, I call it "hard going". Nothing is easy or fun, occasionally it is when the stars align but mostly it's tough and I can't just be myself. There's a litany of complaints about the house or kids and also a constant serious complaint about some health issue or another.
I actually feel it's a lot like I operate at work - the need to be a good professional person, always positive so as to keep the mood as even as possible.
There's not much laughs or jokes or the kind of close banter people who love each other for who they really are do.

The thing that stops me from leaving is the thought of sharing my dc and them not having a permanent home. Where I live in Scandinavia it is normal for divorced parents to share their kids 50/50 and so the kids have two homes. I just think this is more psychologically damaging to them than the psychological damage to me.

I notice my personality is a lot less than it used to be because I moderate it to not annoy him, plus it doesn't get a fun reception so I just give less and less real me... but I always need to be positive.

It's shit. I don't know what options I have. Really don't.

[FruHagen]

Sorry OP, didn't mean to derail thread. So anyhow yeah, you're not the only one but how people are at work is different to how they are at home.

[cloudyinjune]

@FruHagen this is me I notice my personality is a lot less than it used to be because I moderate it to not annoy him, plus it doesn't get a fun reception so I just give less and less real me... but I always need to be positive.

I am becoming a false me

[Benes]

My DH is generally very happy and excitable....he's also very funny.

He's serious when he needs to be but his default personality is happy. I'm the same and it means we have a pretty chilled house...a proper sanctuary.

[madcatladyforever]

My ex was a fun sponge too, he thought his life would be great once he left me and has spent the last three years wanting to come back because his new life is 100 times worse.
Can you believe he is skint and all of the fit birds didn't immediately fall for him!!
Can't possibly think why.
My new life is great.

[KaleidoscopeEyes]

My DP is mostly happy and cheerful, sometimes too much
My exh was The Sucker Of All Joy. I used to dread coming home because I knew I'd have to listen to his constant negativity. I couldn't bear it any longer. You only live once OP, don't waste it.

[SimonArch1983]

I laugh and joke to cover up the fact I'm basically dead inside.

[GrrrAaargh]

I guess moody, but I feel that's an unfair term for him. He suffers from periods of depression, and even when he's mostly well, has his low days, and is very seldom particularly cheery. But he's definitely not the snapping or short-termpered sort, but very kind and patient and funny in a quiet way I love.

[Alarmclockstop]

Moderating a personality, fun sponge, also dementors, you know in Harry Potter where the dementors suck all what is good with the world out. I understand. But like a pp what's the choice, I don't want to share my kids.

[riotlady]

I wouldn’t say he’s “cheery” per se, he’s very laid back and a bit sarky. He doesn’t really get overly stressed by things and I could count on one hand the number of times he’s snapped at me or our daughter (there’s always been an immediate apology too)

Really I think your partner should be someone you ENJOY spending time with. My partner works evening shifts and as much as I like having time to myself to watch love island, my favourite part of the day is when he comes home.

[MashedSpud]

ExH was moody and a fun sponge. I couldn’t be myself around him.

My DH is the complete opposite and usually makes light of most things. I can be myself around him and we laugh a lot.

Your partner needs to chill out and stop being so serious.

[Goawayquickly]

My ex was moody, grumpy, he would answer ‘no’ before he’d heard the full question and basically drained the life out of me. When I finally left it was like the sun started shining again.