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Breaking reality to my 10 year old - help

(40 Posts)
WelshMoth Thu 13-Jun-19 10:35:47

DD has always written notes and left them at the fairy door in the corner of her room. Her little fairy has occasionally written back loving notes. I did it as she was growing up and it was very much a part of our play theme at home.

She's now 10 and off to comp next September. I've not told her about Father Christmas and neither has anyone else in our family - not even DD13 (a neighbour told her when she was 10 and it upset her a great deal - a whole other thread, that). I've no doubt that it's talked about in school and she has asked a few probing questions in the past.

She has left one last note to her little fairy - asking how she is etc. I feel like I've not properly or adequately closed that magic chapter in her life and it irks me. I don't know how to do it I don't particularly want to do it but I don't want her to grow up neither . I definitely need to tell her about Father Christmas too.

Any help with this please? Advice greatly appreciated.

NomNomNominativeDeterminism Thu 13-Jun-19 12:07:56

How about starting off with Father Christmas, so she has months to get used to the idea? Someone on here had a spin that I liked: there are two sorts of magic with FC - one is when you are young and you believe in FC, reindeer, elves etc; the other is when you are a bit older and you get to carry on creating the magic for the younger kids.

I guess this is an easier sell if you have any little kids amongst friends and family, rather than ‘now you are the last of the line so tough it’s all over!”

She may well then ask the question about the fairy in her own time. And you can say how much you have loved creating that bit of magic with her.

Good luck. Much better to come from you than at school.

PigletJohn Thu 13-Jun-19 12:35:48

She knows but doesn't want to hurt your feelings by taking away your belief.

Sissy79 Thu 13-Jun-19 12:37:58

She sounds lovely OP, I’d struggle to tell her as well. Hopefully you’ll get some good suggestions.

moreismore Thu 13-Jun-19 12:38:52

I would write back explaining that now she’s off to big school this bit of magic needs to end. She’ll prob figure it out on her own if she hasn’t already.

Qsandmore Thu 13-Jun-19 12:39:08

In EXACTLY a the same boat with my 9 year old so watching out of interest!

PCohle Thu 13-Jun-19 12:39:52

Leave a farewell note from the fairy saying fairies only visit children and she's growing up now?

That said I think most kids work out stuff like Santa/the tooth fairy etc much earlier that their parent's realise and go along with it to please their parents and to get presents. I don't think it's really a kindness to "baby" children with stuff like this.

Scion123 Thu 13-Jun-19 12:44:05

I don’t see the need for any big reveal, she’ll realise eventually or just grow out of it. Leave her be. She probably does have an idea but still enjoys it. I believe in Father Christmas and fairies and I’m 38!

Nesssie Thu 13-Jun-19 12:44:31

A note from the fairy saying how much fun they've had all these years but DD is now all grown up and the fairy now is moving on to another young child?
But obviously that doesn't tell her that the fairy isn't real. Just hope that she grows out of it now they aren't communicating?

thornyhousewife Thu 13-Jun-19 12:45:14

Oh what a sweetheart. It's hard but ultimately a good problem to have, and she will be absolutely fine with your guidance!

IamPickleRick Thu 13-Jun-19 12:50:00

That said I think most kids work out stuff like Santa/the tooth fairy etc much earlier that their parent's realise

My eldest DS has never believed. He was always suspicious of F.C. and spent a long time asking me if he was some kind of strange robber, so we never pushed the lie on to him. He goes along with it for the smaller ones who do believe, and it really is magical to have DC who enjoy it and get excited! I like the idea of saying that it’s time for the fairy to go off and find another child.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer Thu 13-Jun-19 12:51:10

I really do think you need to tell her about FC before she goes to big school. Other kids can be cruel. I explained how while Santa himself wasn’t real, the spirit of Santa, and of loving and giving was. I also made sure they knew that just because they didn’t believe any more, they would still get their stockings just the same! I also don’t think it’s uncommon in that 8-10 bracket for the kids to be pretending for the parents, while the parents are pretending for the kids.

DuMondeB Thu 13-Jun-19 12:57:13

Can’t the fairy tell her about Santa in a ‘goodbye, enjoy big school’ letter?

DuMondeB Thu 13-Jun-19 12:59:15

You could use this wording (‘it’s time for you to become a santa’ ) in the fairy letter...

articles.aplus.com/a/how-to-break-news-about-santa-claus?no_monetization=true

Backstabbath Thu 13-Jun-19 13:03:28

I think it's lovely but some killjoy will come along shortly and this thread won't end well.

Your daughter sounds lovely.

mumwon Thu 13-Jun-19 13:03:45

I think at this age they are aware that these stories/ personalities are not real but are transitioning from being a child to being an adolescent & they enjoy/take comfort from them as a security blanket because they may be slightly scared of growing up - so a gentle goodbye letter from the fairy is a lovely way of letting go

M3lon Thu 13-Jun-19 13:06:08

I actually can't wrap my head around this at all.

Why do people lie to their children?

My DD (8) loves all things magical/unicorn/fantasy/adventure...but she has always know it is just that - fantasy.

lickthewrapper Thu 13-Jun-19 13:08:21

I suspect my DD(10) already knows but the tooth fairy does still send her the occasional note. I think they enjoy the magic of it, the mystery, and the imagination. Also, it's kind of nice to get a special little note from your parent. I remember my dad used to send me little notes. Sometimes I'd be watching TV and a paper airplane would fly in with a little message on it, which would thrill me! smile

theconstantinoplegardener Thu 13-Jun-19 13:08:59

It can be tough sometimes. My eight-year-old asked me if fairies were real. I decided that honesty was the best policy and told her the truth. She was upset...she'd had her doubts because of what her friends had said, but so wanted me to tell her definitely that fairies were real. I wished afterwards that I had anticated the question and been able to let her down more gently.

plantsplantsplants Thu 13-Jun-19 13:09:27

I think the sooner the better with this now she is nearly at secondary. I genuinely believed in Father Christmas when I started secondary, and it was when a teacher made jokes in the run up to Christmas that I finally twigged. Not only was I upset, but I also felt cross at my folks for having let me believe that long.

Shortly after the final Christmas before big school is the ideal time IMO.

Sissy79 Thu 13-Jun-19 13:12:05

People christen their children all the time, tell them that passed relatives go to heaven, tell them if they’ll see in the dark if they eat their carrots, all while watching made up stories themselves like coronation street.

It’s an age appropriate way of explaining selfless giving. That’s why.

Thecowinthemeadowgoesmoo Thu 13-Jun-19 13:16:36

Why do you have to tell her anything? I've got three DC, my older two clearly don't believe in santa/tooth fairy etc but I've never sat them down and told them. They've just worked it out. I love it that my youngest still believes (and my older two are happy to go along with it) after all I think we all need a bit of magic in our lives!

M3lon Thu 13-Jun-19 13:19:29

santa is an age appropriate way of telling children that they will be rewarded for good behaviour and punished for bad...

This is a terrible message to give children, because the real world doesn't operate that way. Good children get no presents because of poverty, good people get terrible diseases or suffer horrific accidents or war.

When people fail to have any empathy for refugees coming from war torn countries, and blame them for their terrible circumstances, you can hear the echo of the santa message...'well you must have been bad if that happened to you!'

DD has always known that she gets presents at christmas because a) we want to give her presents b) we are in the minority of people in the world who can afford to do so for absolutely no justifiable reason - just dumb luck

Two2tango Thu 13-Jun-19 13:20:17

Oh that is so sweet OP with your DD's note to her fairy, bless her! I think she might already know but enjoy the magic.

DS saw thought the whole thing when he was four. Told me the tooth fairy wasn't real and it was actually Father Christmas bringing these coins grin

Happyspud Thu 13-Jun-19 13:20:20

My view is you never ever tell them the truth unless they are angry and distressed demanding an answer. What you do is smile and wink a bit, indicating you know damn well they know, and letting them join your side of ‘knowing the truth but playing along’. It means the fun can continue and the child has a soft landing about the truth, joining in in the game rather than feeling fooled and stupid about it.

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