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How would you handle this? (In Law related)

(12 Posts)
ItsAllABitAwkward Thu 13-Jun-19 10:23:48

Without going in to details of what the situation was about, an incident occurred a few months back where SIL massively broke my trust, went behind my back and annoyed both my DH and myself in the process.

Upon finding out what she’d done, I messaged her to tell her that I was upset and pissed off, didn’t understand why she did what she did and essentially asked for an explanation/an apology.

This was over 2 months ago now, SIL read my message, never replied, we never received an apology and I haven’t heard or seen her since.

I know that there will be instances where we’ll need to see each other again, ie; upcoming birthdays etc, so how should I handle the situation going forward?

I don’t particularly want to be the ‘bigger person’ and act like everything is okay when I next have to see her, as frankly, I’m still massively annoyed that she wronged me and hasn’t taken two seconds to send an apology message. With that being said, I can’t exactly be hostile towards her either, as the next time we see her will likely be for something special such as a birthday or family gathering, so I don’t want to cause drama by pulling her to one side and bringing it all up.

I’m someone that apologies go very, very far with. Had she responded to me months ago I would’ve happily put all of this to bed and moved on from it, but it’s the sheer ‘I don’t really give a fuck what I’ve done or that I’ve upset you’ that’s getting to me and making me feel like I’m going to struggle to play nice when I next have to be in the same room as her.

The thought of having to pretend like everything is okay is driving me up the wall and I really don’t know what to do.

If someone has wronged you - knowingly - and not apologised for it, how did you deal with next seeing them? Is it just a case of trying your best to be civil to avoid more conflict?

mbosnz Thu 13-Jun-19 11:16:47

You cannot force someone to apologise to you. Like you, an apology goes a long way with me, but some people seem physically incapable of apologising - even if they can see that they were in the wrong, which very often they can't.

And with in-laws, it's so tricky. You're in it for the long haul, and quite frankly if she is the blood-daughter, she's in a position of strength that you would be hard put to find a way to 'win' against. Whereas, she can cause you a world of pain. Depending on whether she's the golden daughter with her parents of course.

So, I hate to say it, but you might just have to suck it up. Be civil to her, but keep your distance. Don't feel you have to be 'matey' or 'sisterly', be polite and courteous when at family functions, but don't put yourself out for her. If your DH does the same, it really helps.

Lindy2 Thu 13-Jun-19 11:25:25

It looks to me that she probably isn't sorry for what she did which is why she hasn't apologised.
Without knowing what happened it's hard to know whether you are right to expect an apology.
I think you need to move on and remain distant but polite at the family events. If you bring it up why her be prepared for her to argue back. She isn't going to apologise.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness Thu 13-Jun-19 11:28:27

If you have to ask for an apology it is worthless
Even more so if forced out of someone

It’s difficult to say what I would do in light of not really knowing what she did to cause you so much upset. I always think it’s best to be the bigger person and let things go but that might not be the case here?

Alternatively when you next see her - as you will- you could just either cut her dead or tell her that seeing as she has treated you so shabbily there is no basis a friendship or relationship can continue. And then deal with those consequences.
What makes you feel better in the short term might now be best for you and your family but I don’t know

ItsAllABitAwkward Thu 13-Jun-19 11:37:44

Thanks for your response @mbosnz

You're right in that it's definitely the fact that it's an in law that's making it all the more difficult. Had this problem occurred within my own family or friends, I either would've told them where to go by now, or contacted them again and given them another opportunity to correct their wrongs and own their shitty behaviour - but because it's DH's sister, I feel I have to be mindful of what I do and what I say.
DH hates family feuds and will bury his head in the sand to avoid furthering issues, so while he's told me he isn't happy with his sister, he won't tell her that in a million years, so it means I'm left to quietly stew over the fact she's wronged us and left not knowing how to act around her in future.

I doubt I'll ever get an apology out of her now Lindy, and it's a huge shame because a simple sorry would've meant a lot to me and meant I could've tried to move past it with no hard feelings. For me, when people hurt or upset me, or piss me off, that's bad enough, but it's how they choose to deal with the situation and rectify it afterwards that matters the most.

I think you're right Gin, any chance at a friendship or a nice SIL relationship has gone, so perhaps I'll just have to be civil as and when I need to be, but make no attempts to be chummy with her.

WorkingItOutAsIGo Thu 13-Jun-19 11:43:57

This is a classic example of where text communications are a disaster. Pick up the phone! Talk in person! People are much more reasonable that way.

mbosnz Thu 13-Jun-19 11:49:46

From bitter experience, confronting the person and issue head on is very unlikely to bring about any resolution, or change in behaviour. Any frostiness on your part is very likely to have you perceived as the problem, giving you and DH grief.

So polite when necessary, and distant, not initiating any contact with SIL, or accepting invites if you get them from her if you don't want to, but being courteous at family functions when you have to put up with each other, tends to be the best way to handle it, I've found.

You picked DH, DH picked you. You didn't pick each others families and they didn't pick you. So all you and your families absolutely have to do with each other, is find a way to rub along together when necessary in a polite and mature fashion!

magneticmumbles Thu 13-Jun-19 11:59:39

Attend the events as normal but blank her.

Damntheman Thu 13-Jun-19 12:05:04

I'd be civil but cold.

BertrandRussell Thu 13-Jun-19 12:08:08

Cool and polite. As to a stranger.

lyralalala Thu 13-Jun-19 13:08:02

Civil and polite is how I deal with one of DH’s relatives. If it’s just the two of us I don’t speak to her. If we’re with family I’m polite - I’ll pass the salt, tell her MIL is feeling better etc, but I don’t engage in idle chit chat with her specifically. I just don’t allow her to make me look rude.

KatherineJaneway Thu 13-Jun-19 13:56:35

I'd echo pp and be polite and civil but that's it.

She clearly thinks she has done nothing wrong, hence no apology.

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