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My mother is a fucking bitch. Anyone else's mother one too?

(207 Posts)
Gottalovesummer Mon 10-Jun-19 21:11:18

Too many examples to list here. But she's a narcissist, self centred, rude fucking person and I feel so much better writing it down here.

WooYa Mon 10-Jun-19 21:15:40

Yep! I'd love to go LC (or ideally NC) but as my only proper family my DC would miss you

WooYa Mon 10-Jun-19 21:16:25

Or her hmm

mabelmylove Mon 10-Jun-19 21:16:43

Nope

MauisHouseOnMaui Mon 10-Jun-19 21:18:42

My mum is wonderful. My MIL however is an absolute cow, have had no contact with her for seven years now and it has been heavenly!

Gottalovesummer Mon 10-Jun-19 21:19:39

wooyayes that's the dilemma isn't it?

TheoriginalLEM Mon 10-Jun-19 21:21:33

Mine , complete narcissist

CarolDanvers Mon 10-Jun-19 21:23:36

Yes mine too and my Dad. A right pair of arseholes in fact.

Gottalovesummer Mon 10-Jun-19 21:24:54

I am really envious of friends who hard mum's they can talk to and confide in and get advice from.

Mine is just horrible to me.

stephstrops Mon 10-Jun-19 21:25:35

Mine. Hate the woman with every ounce of me. I’ll never forgive her for things that she has done

WickedGoodDoge Mon 10-Jun-19 21:33:49

Mine was awful. I moved to Scotland from the US and she used to constantly send me the most vile emails. Then when her health deteriorated she tried to tell me that I needed to move back home to take care of her but DH and DC were most definitely not invited. hmm

Gluetap Mon 10-Jun-19 21:37:07

Mine is. Haven’t seen/spoken to her or my father for nearly 5 years. It’s been hard but best decision I’ve made.

pepperpot99 Mon 10-Jun-19 21:37:34

What a lovely thread.

Gottalovesummer Mon 10-Jun-19 21:43:29

pepperpot you know, you're probably one of the lucky ones who's got a lovely supportive mother.

We don't.

So, save your sarcasm thank you.

Dieu Mon 10-Jun-19 21:45:44

Och, you poor things. My mum isn't perfect, but I can't imagine having a mother so horrible that you hate her. It's very sad. For you lot, I mean thanksgin

hellenbackagen Mon 10-Jun-19 21:48:04

Yup. Been nc for 17 years. Peace reigns supreme.

SunshineCake Mon 10-Jun-19 21:53:50

No grandma is better than one who treats your mum like shit

xsquared Mon 10-Jun-19 21:59:07

I can empathise with posters here as my mother was a relentless bully to me before she and my df divorced. She left the family home when I was in my teens and I didn't miss her. She did however, getback in touch 4 years after she left, things were different - it's not been a happy reunion but I don't hold a grudge against her anymore.

Pepperpot, you're lucky to have a good relationship with your mother.

xsquared Mon 10-Jun-19 22:00:33

Anyway OP, I hope you manage to find some way round this.

Gottalovesummer Mon 10-Jun-19 22:04:13

ssquared thank you for your kind post.

Sadly, I think not.

Mw mother has been vile to me for years and I think I've finally had enough of her.

ssd Mon 10-Jun-19 22:08:11

Yes pepperpot you can do one

I had a lovely mum but I have an older sister exactly like all of your mothers

itstrue Mon 10-Jun-19 22:08:24

Mine is a bully and doesn't everything she can to put me down. I'm NC now but it's sad, hard and embarrassing having a mother who is like that

sweetkitty Mon 10-Jun-19 22:12:25

OP - this always happens on MN you could say my mother stabbed me with a kitchen knife and done poster will say “well at least you’ve got a mother”

No one knows what anyone else has gone through and shouldn’t really comment, it’s really hard when all around you see mums doing everything for their children and you don’t have that in your life, in fact your mother actually did things to hurt you and to prevent it you’ve had to go NC. When your DC ask what a Gran is? That fucking hurts. So rant away some of us know what it feels like.

atomicnotsoblonde Mon 10-Jun-19 22:12:30

Oh god yes. Mine is an attention seeking nightmare, who will manipulate anything or anyone to get what she wants. I minimise contact as much as I can but it's hard. The kids love her and want to see her. Although my eldest is starting to see it now. It's just exhausting dealing with her. I could never tell her anything about my life without it being used against me in one way or another.

tolerable Mon 10-Jun-19 22:12:50

mine too.thrives on it. my child (the one i dragged up,with my lunatic ways and improper parenting style)is bout to graduate from uni..hes had results over a week...shes repeatedly demanded to know what his results are.hes got a 2 (with hons)means sod all to me,im not academic.and as yet refused to tell her. hes disappointed....im fucking livid.steals the joy outta everything.its constant.ranges from small snipes to utterly terrorising me.trust her as far as i can spit...dont even let me begin about the guilt i feel for KNOWING shes well aware of what she does,says,implies.its hellish

Judashascomeintosomemoney Mon 10-Jun-19 22:14:05

Well, she was thirty years ago, when I last saw her. Can’t imagine she’d have changed. She certainly was still, twenty odd years ago, when she totally fucked my little brother up too. So, on balance, I’m going with a Yes. Actually that all sounds like she is more important than she is, it’s taken a while but I can honestly say she means nothing to me now.

LadySainsburySeal Mon 10-Jun-19 22:17:06

I haven't seen my mother in 5 years, time before that was 9 years ago and that's too frequent. She doesn't know my address nor my phone number and never will. She's all lovely lovely in front of other people but when she's alone her malicious true character shows.

Gottalovesummer Mon 10-Jun-19 22:18:04

I just don't know what it's like to be able to call my mum for a chat/gossip/giggle/advice

Mine is not interested or supportive in an way in my life (and never has been)/is rude/hangs up the phone on me/is totally self absorbed/I could go on

CrowleysBentley Mon 10-Jun-19 22:20:41

Yep, mines a nasty, manipulative, self-centered bully. My dad is almost as bad. I haven't seen them in years, and I'm glad they're not infecting my life with their bullshit any more, and my kids have not been exposed to it.

MotherOfDragonite Mon 10-Jun-19 22:20:59

My mum isn't a narcissist and she does mean well, but my god she's hard work because she says literally everything that crosses her mind, with no filter.

I wish I could press a button and just make her, even 25% more tactful or able to think before speaking.

TitianaTitsling Mon 10-Jun-19 22:21:23

pepper you do know reading a threads not obligatory? Let people who have had a shite parent vent please without judgypants!

allfurcoatnoknickers Mon 10-Jun-19 22:22:51

I had a baby three days ago, and my mother is already on me about weight loss angry

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet Mon 10-Jun-19 22:23:18

I've come to the end of the road with mine, I think. She is moving away (a full day's travel to get there, would cost me approx. £2k to visit for a week) and is telling everyone all about how I'm going to take my entire family to see her several time a year. I'm fucking not! She lives 3 miles away at the moment and can't be bothered to see me more than 4 times a year, so it doesn't seem like a favour I owe her, really. She doesn't want to see us anyway, she just fancies some performance grandparenting for the new neighbours to see and admire.
It's weird to think that you will probably never see your parents again, but it's true for me. But they are choosing to move away, and they are probably right. Their toxic favouritism was bad enough when I was a child, but they are starting with my children now, and I'm not going to let them get away with it. So, for now, I'm going along with the idea that I will visit, and just praying that they don't change their minds.
I've spend nearly five decades trying everything I can think of to make my parents like me and it's only now that I can see that it was all foolishness. They will never like me, every time I make a slave of myself to help them it just increases their contempt for me. I'm done.

BollocksToBrexit Mon 10-Jun-19 22:25:10

I emigrated to get away from mine. I haven't had any contact for years, bar the odd message demanding to know how I dare do this to her and telling me how awful I am.

Gottalovesummer Mon 10-Jun-19 22:26:24

Thank you all for posting and so sad to read similar stories to mine.

I know how much it hurts.

X x to you all

inspiralcarpet Mon 10-Jun-19 22:26:31

Mine's a cunt.

2.5 wonderful years of NC and counting.

cheesemongery Mon 10-Jun-19 22:26:33

I've just gone NC with my dad after 40 years of abuse and put downs. He was always the one I wanted to please the most. I just told him I don't need his negativity in my life. It's very hard and it must be with Mum - I've had my problems with mine and we'll never be best buddies but at least we can get along.

It just clicked that I am NEVER going to make him happy, or proud or anything really - I was just a venting tool to him of all his own failures.

I'm still in limbo at the moment but am hoping it will be a positive in the long term.

puppy23 Mon 10-Jun-19 22:27:48

Mine, NC since I was 16 and it freed me so much.

FancyAPint Mon 10-Jun-19 22:28:44

That is sooooo sad that there are mother's out there like that, what a waste, can't imagine ever being like that with my daughter. My lovely mum sadly died when I was early 20's and it's hard to believe some mother's would waste their opportunity to be friends as adults together. My dad on the other hand, not as bad as some of the descriptions here but.....

Comps83 Mon 10-Jun-19 22:30:52

Yup
Went nc last year
She doesn’t know she’s gonna be a grandmother and I’m not going to tell her.
Pure poison

Ellie56 Mon 10-Jun-19 22:37:16

This is a really sad thread. I'm so sorry so many of you have such dreadful unlovable mothers.

I just don't know what it's like to be able to call my mum for a chat/gossip/giggle/advice

I don't have a daughter and I would really love to be the mum being called on.

BrieAndChilli Mon 10-Jun-19 22:46:15

My mum was an abusive bitch.
When I went to Uni I went NC for a year. Met DH who has a lovely family who convinced me to get back in touch. He soon realised his mistake.
We went travelling abroad and went NC for about 4 years. Got pregnant with DS1 and in my pregnant hormonal state thought my child deserved to know all thier family. So got back in contact.
5 years later I’d had enough and left it to her to make contact. 8 years later I’m still waiting!

Although I’m very happy without her in my life I actually wish she was dead, that way I wouldn’t have to feel guilt for not being in contact, or to get the judging or worse sympathetic looks when people find out we are NC. Or second guess my memory of all the things that happened, maybe I’m remembering it wrong or maybe as a child I didn’t fully understand, nor would o have to feel insanely jealous of my friends that have loving mums who they ring for chats, go round for tea, take care of the kids, and generally support them emotionally.
It sucks and there’s no ideal situation really either way makes you feel shit, at least NC means the kids aren’t exposed to it.
My sister hasn’t managed to go NC and when she meets up with my mum the kids are constantly told off (for being normal kids) and my sister is critisised in front of themcfor her parenting/thier behaviour/whatever else my mum has a problem with.

NicoAndTheNiners Mon 10-Jun-19 22:48:42

Yep.

Mine did actually stab my dad. Was also physically as well as emotionally abusive to me growing up.

Carried on with awful emotional abuse when I was an adult. Stuff like when I told her I was pregnant refused to speak to me for six months and wrote a 7 page letter saying I should get an abortion as I was unmarried and the child would probably be disabled as a punishment and that dp would then leave me.

Haven't spoken to her in six years.

Pugworld Mon 10-Jun-19 22:49:09

Mine was a controlling, critical, judgemental twat. She dropped dead suddenly about ten years ago and it was such a bloody relief when we no longer had to put up with her.

Somuchroom Mon 10-Jun-19 22:53:45

Me. It’s still early days, 4 months NC, painful, but it’s nice to not feel the constant rejection/jealously/pure desperation for her to love me. The things I used to put myself through in the hope she would throw a slither of affection my way. Just couldn’t do it anymore.

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 10-Jun-19 22:55:12

I just don’t know what it’s like to be able to call my mum for a chat/gossip/giggle/advice

I know. I did have a relatively good period with my mother for a while as an adult when my stepfather was alive. He was a good man. She’s behaving a lot better these days, since I had 3 years of therapy and put up boundaries so stopped putting up with the shit. Even been pretty helpful as I’m chronically ill.

user1486131602 Mon 10-Jun-19 22:58:14

My mother was the same: my sister would tell her fuc* off to her face, but she walked on water.
I was the antichrist!

It would be my pleasure to lend an ear if youd like me to, just send me a pm
Hers my solution for the mother problem: The only way to win it is to not be in it! And yes it feels much better to say it out loud!!

Best of luck. Xx

justasking111 Mon 10-Jun-19 23:01:29

The NC is hard at first, the phone calls, letters, abusing you to mutual friends family. But tearing up the letters unread, putting a block on her phone number, have all helped. A letter came the other day funnily enough, OH had a peek and said I can`t read this crap and binned it. Been 10 years now. I feel nothing for her. Bumped into her at the hospital once, she did not recognise me.

IdLikeToKeepItOnPlease Mon 10-Jun-19 23:04:28

I also have a vile mother. Have been NC with her for 5 years now and it has been so peaceful.

There are times when I miss the concept of having a mum, but I don’t miss my actual mum.

I’m 30 weeks pregnant at the minute. Just moved into our first home. This should be a time when a mother and daughter are at their closest. But I’d rather go without than have that particular mother involved. She doesn’t even know I’m pregnant. Doesn’t know where I live and has none of my contact details.

I agree with PPs that it’s sad not having that relationship, but it is sadder to put up with horrific behaviour just because “you only get one mum”.

Exhsuatedmuch Mon 10-Jun-19 23:06:22

Yes my mother is the fucking unforgivable bitch from hell and I feel nothing but hatred for her and all she fucked up in my life. She took years from me and terified me into being on edge non stop always doing as I was told. I was 38 when I finally had enough and cut her and my father off.. She even knew he had abused me as a teen but blamed me.. Trust me the last seven years of my life have been so much better without andi only regret not walking away years before.. Biology has fuck all to do with love as far as I'm concerned as my mother in law is my mother in every way and then some.. Life is short.. Walk away. X

whyamievenamazeddotcom Mon 10-Jun-19 23:08:44

Very sad to read so many heartbreaking stories but at same time provides some comfort my mother has never liked me, is thoughtless, rude to me and other people publicly, has no filter, regularly embarrasses me, is critical of my life and of both my and DC physical appearances
Last time I saw her she commented about DC body image in loud stage whisper when I challenged it (I’m getting braver) was sneered at and told “naaaah DC couldn’t hear me” I know my DC heard it & quite frankly So did I! I took her shopping few weeks back and caught such a look of hatred on her face when I was queuing for coffee as I asked her to sit at a table away from some smokers - it was contorted in its intensity & took my breath away. I don’t enjoy my time with her I get stressed leading up to seeing her and am a tearful mess afterwards so I’ve gradually distanced myself I find it sad that she hates me but I’ve made peace with it and I no longer feel guilty not seeing her. I used to feel guilty for feeling as though I hate her but as time has moved on I realise that I don’t hate her I just hate the way she makes me feel and I hate the way I allow her to treat me which has helped me stand up to her. X

Mumoftwoyoungkids Mon 10-Jun-19 23:09:28

My grandmother was. My mum is lovely though. The cycle can be broken.

Fstar Mon 10-Jun-19 23:11:46

Yip, mine is a total fucking bitch, ive diagnosed her with npc. Cant go no contact as so close to my dad and have tried before but i dont go out of my way to contact her or even talk when we are in the same room. She means nothing to me anymore.

I often wondered about that close mother daughter bond but im happy to have a great relationship with my dad. He knows what she is like too and calls her out on her shit a lot.

KittyHugs Mon 10-Jun-19 23:11:50

Mine is awful too. Been nc with her for a year now. She has always been narcissistic but after my father dies she took it to a whole new level. Sometimes I feel guilt for walking away then I remember what she has done and how she made me feel and realise I'm so much better without her in my life.

Rainbowknickers Mon 10-Jun-19 23:19:36

My mother is the same waves
I went nc about 9 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did
She lived to paint the picture of being the best mother/nana ever when the truth was she never bothered with them unless others where watching her
She turned my whole family against me so I blocked them too
They still try to stalk me on sm
My brothers do drugs they steal have been known to hit her and take the piss
But I’m the failure for putting myself through college and gaining qualifications
(I only passed by sucking the tutors cocks-let’s ignore the fact they where all female and I studied hard)

She is pure evil and the best thing I ever did was dump the lot of em-her-her flying monkeys-her fleas

Babyduck2 Mon 10-Jun-19 23:19:57

Not my mum, but my dad is a complete arsehole.
I havent spoken to him in 14 years, he has never met my children and that's the way I like it. I think of him as a lesson, that I will do the opposite of everything he has ever done and be a much better parent for it, I will break the cycle of shitty parenting and always be there 100% for my children.

BelfortGabbz Mon 10-Jun-19 23:22:07

Well after years of tongue biting and resentment, counselling will be the first thing I have when she dies.

OneTooManyMornings Mon 10-Jun-19 23:26:43

All my life my mum has been very controlling and negative about any choices I make without her. She's pretty much always implied there's no point in me doing anything because I'm not good enough. She's so infantilising but I didn't even realise until last year when some restructuring at work meant some changes to my job. When I told my mum she went mad, jabbing her finger at me and shouting at me, ordering me to tell my manager I wasn't going to do it. Then she said, do you want me to come in with you and talk to her? I'm in my 30s and have no special needs or disabilities, how did she not see how ridiculous it would be for my mum to come to my workplace to tell my manager what I could or couldn't do?

Molly333 Mon 10-Jun-19 23:27:47

Mine plays victim

CraicMammy Mon 10-Jun-19 23:28:19

You sound like you should be my siblings. It’s so sad to see so many of you who have had bad parents, but selfishly also a comfort that I’m not the only one to have had this experience.

I am nearly a year NC with my parents and it’s the best decision. They are selfish, angry, embittered souls, who turned their self-hate and insecurities onto me.

It is such a relief not to have to process every decision, large or small, through the filter of how they may react. I don’t miss the nasty comments, the denial of my feelings and emotions, the fat-shaming, the performance grand-parenting.

I don’t miss having parents, you can’t miss what you’ve never had, but I’m grateful to have walked away from the hypocritical bullies, who pretended to parent me.

Pannalash Mon 10-Jun-19 23:29:36

No my lovely Mother is dead I miss her everyday.

broken1982 Mon 10-Jun-19 23:29:39

My mother was a beautiful amazing soul that did everything in her power to keep us, her children and grandchildren happy, healthy and safe however could no longer carry on in this world and decided to end her life just 4 weeks ago.
In my opinion if your mother doesn't add any sort of value to your life or worse still is as bad as you say then life's to short to even stay in contact. I was lucky enough to have the mother I did and I wouldn't spit on the type of mother your referring to if she was on fire

CraicMammy Mon 10-Jun-19 23:43:02

I’m sorry for your loss broken1982

tobeforgotten Mon 10-Jun-19 23:44:42

This

“god yes. Mine is an attention seeking nightmare, who will manipulate anything or anyone to get what she wants. I minimise contact as much as I can but it's hard. The kids love her and want to see her. Although my eldest is starting to see it now. It's just exhausting dealing with her. I could never tell her anything about my life without it being used against me in one way or another.”

tobeforgotten Mon 10-Jun-19 23:47:36

My mum is the victim of mental illnesses. But she has chosen the disorder over us time and time again.

Sometimes I get glimpses of the person she should have been. It’s genuinely tragic.

MsJudgemental Mon 10-Jun-19 23:55:09

Been NC for 4 years; it was well overdue. Agree that it’s hard when people who had a normal mother just don’t understand.

CantspellWontspell Mon 10-Jun-19 23:56:27

Mines a covert narcissist and whilst she’s not as bad as some, living a couple of hundred miles away makes life easier.

MollysMummy2010 Tue 11-Jun-19 00:00:08

I loved my mum and I miss her so much. She was a wonderful mum until she left me and my dad. I had horrible years without her and I could never understand how she could leave me, until she told me when I was an adult. I am trying hard for my daughter but don't think I am a great mum as I don't have a role model. I am short tempered and I think my expectations are too high.

Lardlizard Tue 11-Jun-19 00:17:10

flowers sometimes lc is easier than nc

TheBouguets Tue 11-Jun-19 00:18:03

Oh my, what a group of perfect mothers we have here criticizing their own mothers. On the assumption that you still have a long road to travel yet as a mother, can you really guarantee that you will at all times be perfect. Is that perfect in your view or the view of your DC when you have completed your time as a mother.
There is no such thing as totally perfect. Every mother can do their best but DC eventually meet partners who influence them. Absent fathers may return to the scene (after DC are over the age of Child Maintenance of course). A lot of different influences can come into DCs lives and change them.
I know some awful daughters who are mothers now and I wonder what their epithet will be from their DC.

GabsAlot Tue 11-Jun-19 00:27:30

Your dc dont need anyone in their life who is poison op-What happens when she turns on them

tolerable Tue 11-Jun-19 01:18:04

the bougets...as i said-im fuck all ike perfect ,especially at mothering.Perhaps its ideal example of hpw much easier t is to judge from the outside looking in .When someone who "demands"your love,worse..respect and treats you appallingly it has the most awful effect. Imagine feeling so awful you are faced with NC just to try and survive.the "right now"attack stops,guilt never leaves...ive never asked for or aimed at perfection.Unconditional.yes.not to be played like a game,shredded or used as a footup to elevate a delusionary right to control.sit doon

Lovescience Tue 11-Jun-19 01:24:34

Absolutely!!! Mines a narcissist sociopath!! But one piece of advice I will pass to you is read this book it has not only healed me but also given me coping strategies for her ! I have to have contact with her to get to my dad and brother !
The book is : will I ever be good enough healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers by Karl Mcbride !

CrowleysBentley Tue 11-Jun-19 01:29:25

@TheBouguets piss off with that bollocks. Its perfectly fine for me, an imperfect but pretty good mum that puts her kids first and treats them well, to criticise my abusive nasty bitch of a mother.

Iloveliberty Tue 11-Jun-19 01:53:30

I always feel so sad when I read of genuinely good people struggling to conceive after years of trying, when absolutely rotten women are allowed to have children. Life just isn’t fair at times 😩

Ilady Tue 11-Jun-19 01:56:02

My friends mother is a horrible bitch. She lies about things and people. She is extremely mean with both her money and time. She favours some of her child over others. Her golden children got money ect when the others get nothing.
She finds fault with everything. She complains and gives out everyone and everything. She gives out to some of her adult children about the smallest thing but will say nothing when the golden children make mistakes. She will defend the golden children always and make excuses for their poor behaviour. She has no empathy what so ever. She expects to get her own way always.
At this stage some of her adult children are barely speaking to her due to her behaviour and actions. I know in next few years they won't be moving into help her in her old age but she has no one to blame but herself.

S1naidSucks Tue 11-Jun-19 02:23:02

It sounds like posters have hit a nerve with you TheBouguets. What’s caused your bile to be spewed at them? Anger or guilt?

I went NC over thirty years ago. I tried keeping in touch with the mother but she made no effort. Other siblings stayed for the money, as one even told me, they were going to get their share. One sibling got in contact with me recently, with all this creeping bullshite about life being too short, blah blah bla. I won’t go into details as I’ve probably risked outing myself anyway.

My two abusive bastards have both died, my mother just over a year ago. I was wondering what this sibling wanted, then my sil asked if there was a will. The penny dropped and so far no sight of the will in probate. The fucker was fishing. I wanted nothing from them but after the crap they fed me, especially the false sympathy she proffered when talking about the lose of my husband and the twisting of our past, I’m tempted to go after a cut, just to teach the manipulative bastards a lesson. Them getting in touch actually made me ill for a while and I’m so fucking angry that their hand of friendship was actually a poisoned chalice.

S1naidSucks Tue 11-Jun-19 02:25:20

I should add, that I literally left with my stuff in a bag and was in poverty for years, before creating the life I have now. There is a lot of land and property left behind and they would still have loads if they split it equally, but they just wanted to check out what I was going to do. Nothing until you got in touch you fuckers!

RiversDisguise Tue 11-Jun-19 02:36:38

@allfurcoatnoknickers

I had a baby three days ago, and my mother is already on me about weight loss angry

Jesus Christ... that's breath-takingly awful. Congrats on your baby.

TheBouguets Tue 11-Jun-19 02:40:25

@tolerate I had demands thrown at me, money babysitting, goods to be bought for them. I have been hit and also scarred for life (presumably). If I dont do what I am told I get abused and babies kept away. I would not take this from a man. MN would be advising LTB What is the difference who destroys you? Just Leave.
@CrowleysBentley I dont like your language. I dont speak to people like that but it is much tamer than some of the things said to me. I thought I was good to my DC they never went without, they had good school reports and then they took up with certain folks and have gone from one situation to another, worsening everytime. I am not their punchbag. Try as you might one day outside influences can turn their heads.
@ S1naidSucks would you put up with this?
Ironically I was a parent who had to wait years for DC, much wanted and much loved but there you go.
I have done my best and satisfied with that. I am greatly concerned for my DC and DGC for the situations they get into, This is not how they were brought up. It is their lives they are ruining and that of DGC

Gilead Tue 11-Jun-19 02:55:13

@thebouguets, things have gone wrong for you and your family and that is sad, but it’s sad for us too. Our Mothers weren’t kind. Mine would choose a bottle of wine and ten fags over food for us. She was a teacher. Nice middle class mum on the face of it. I’ve been battered black and blue for ‘stealing’ a slice of bread. I’ve been told I’m useless, fat, thick etc. She is nasty, manipulative, selfish and spiteful. The last time she visited she deliberately spilt coffee on a new tablecloth. She tried to set my daughters against one another. I’ve been no contact for years and it’s blissful.

Soola Tue 11-Jun-19 02:58:01

My mother is supportive but not affectionate. She’s a different nationality to me so there are cultural differences but we have the same ideas and values about parenting and a shared love of animals.

sashh Tue 11-Jun-19 03:25:05

What a lovely thread.

Pepperpot and TheBouguets - have you ever forgotten to buy one of your children anything for Christmas? Only one of them? Not an adult child living away from home. A child, still at school?

OP

My relationship with mine improved drastically after her death.

Tinkobell Tue 11-Jun-19 03:42:13

I’m trying and I feel failing miserably to be a good mum. So many posters speak of wanting the mum for a chat/gossip/advice. I’m trying so hard to do that right now, I hope one day my DD doesn’t go NC and pillory me on a thread like this. I’m probably narcissistic, but I try not to be.

Ferfeckssake Tue 11-Jun-19 05:56:01

So sad to hear about all these crap mothers
. I wonder what motivates them and how they justify things to themselves. Were they always unkind ? Even to small children ? Hard to fathom this.
I had a lovely mother and now know how lucky I am.So sorry that so many seem to have missed out.

NicoAndTheNiners Tue 11-Jun-19 06:25:04

@thebougets. Ive actually had quite a long run of parenting as my dd is an adult herself.

So far I've never physically beaten her, never threatened her with a knife, never smashed her bedroom up because I felt it should be tidier. I don't put her down and criticise her at every opportunity. I don't sulk and not talk to her for weeks/months if she makes a decision such as buying a certain type of car I don't approve of. I haven't opened the front door of her house and purposefully let her dogs run on to a busy road and stood there and watched and refused to try and help catch them.

Am I perfect? No, I'm sure I'm not. But I will never be like my mother.

IdLikeToKeepItOnPlease Tue 11-Jun-19 07:50:31

@TheBouguets

**“can you really guarantee that you will at all times be perfect.”

No, and I don’t think anyone can. But I can guarantee that everything I went through with my own mother has taught me exactly what I shouldn’t do as a mother myself. I will never lie to my children about being pregnant/having cancer/being raped, I will never run up thousands of £s of debt in their names to stop them getting a mortgage when they are adults, I will never steal from them, I will never psychologically abuse them, i won’t disappear for weeks on end with no contact, I won’t pick new partners over them and I certainly won’t choose drugs over them.
That’s a very small snippet of what my mother did.

Whatever has happened between you and your own DCs is sad, strained parent/child relationships are awful for someone no matter which way it is strained. But what happened to most of the posters on here and myself is also awful, don’t take away from the stories in this thread just because it doesn’t match your own.

BrieAndChilli Tue 11-Jun-19 08:04:30

@TheBouguets
You really really don’t know what you are talking about.
I think most people on this thread aren’t talking about a mum who wouldn’t let them stay out late, or disagreed with them on some issues.
We are talking about mothers who beat you for the slightest thing, who’d shove a ball of socks in your mouth so the neighbours couldn’t hear you screaming, having to pretend your sister gave you the black eye to school, waking you up in the middle of the night because she’d decided your bedroom was too untidy and tipping everything into the middle so you had to put it all away again, not letting you put the heating on in your bedroom so it was so cold there was ice on the inside of the window (the heating was on in her room though so not a poverty thing), making sit for hours eating food you hate and when you were a little bit sick on the plate, mixing it in and still making you eat it, when you were 7 and wet yourself backstage during a ballet shoe leaving in a country lane in the dark and driving off, one year as a child not acknowledging your birthday, not even a happy birthday, and I can’t even begin to describe the emotional and mental stuff.
I’m pretty sure my own kids will not have to describe any of the above stuff. As they get order we may not get on, I’m not naive but my kids aren’t abused.

Seeleyboo Tue 11-Jun-19 08:06:44

NC with mine for 10 years and then she died. I didn't attend the funeral.

vampirethriller Tue 11-Jun-19 08:11:48

Yes. When I was younger she was vile. She would gaslight, she'd tell me I was allowed to do something then when I did she would insist she never said any such thing and punish me. She made up things she thought I'd done and punished me. She'd stop talking to me for weeks.
She used me as childcare and cook which meant I didn't have time for homework and then punish me when I fell behind.
I wasn't allowed sanpro. Then I was punished for getting blood on my clothes.
I'm 37 and don't trust her but I'm trying to be adult about it for my own daughter.

GhostIsAGoodBoi Tue 11-Jun-19 08:16:19

Yep. Been NC for over a decade. Also NC with one of my sisters for 2 years as she’s turned into our fucking mother. The only sibling I get on brilliantly with is the one who lives miles away with our Dad, because his influence has made them a much better person.

My paternal grandmother is wonderful and has been like a mother to me; as has my step Mum.

But my actual Mum? I wouldn’t piss on her if she were on fire

Pushing30 Tue 11-Jun-19 08:28:15

Yep 100%. I too miss the concept of a mother from time to time. Plus it always surprises me when other people's mums do normal things like message them just to ask how they are. Me and one of my sister have been no contact with our mum for nearly two years. It's such a relief to just not be part of all the lies and bullshit anymore.

sashh Tue 11-Jun-19 08:49:35

Yes. When I was younger she was vile. She would gaslight, she'd tell me I was allowed to do something then when I did she would insist she never said any such thing and punish me. She made up things she thought I'd done and punished me.

OMG I'd actually forgotten about that.

Overmaars Tue 11-Jun-19 08:59:04

My mum m wasn't physically abusive unlike some of these terribly sad stories. Except for a couple of times when she hit me repeatedly. But she did make me feel very alone and unwanted. Like I didn't have anyone who had my back. She'd turn my siblings and my father against me, so I was more isolated. She'd lie about things to paint me in a bad light.

She'd also take pleasurable things away from me. Like when I bought things with my own money from my Saturday job, she'd scream at me that they didn't suit me until I ended up taking them back. She never took me to the hairdressers or buy clothes, even though she bought new stuff for my sisters.

She never encouraged me to make my own decisions or to be adventurous. In fact she did the opposite and was jealous of any independence I secured.

None of these things would mean I'd have beeen taken away by social services. But cumulatively they destroyed my self esteem. It's taken years of therapy to untangle myself from her clutches, even though she's been dead for years. And I could only dream of having a supportive, loving, engaged parent.

So yes OP my mother was a bitch.

What I love in this thread is the number of women determined to break the cycle. I didn't have children until very late because I was afraid of being like my mother. She taught me well though as I'm nothing like her at all. Not perfect but good enough to bring up confident, friendly and pretty successful young adults.

flumpybear Tue 11-Jun-19 09:03:03

My MIL - such a nasty cow, even to her own grandchildren! Literally tells me things in my house are 'disgusting ... filthy' and they aren't they're just old carpets which we used to shampoo twice a year ... they were beige and we'd had children's ho used to make things mucky.... she's literally walked into my spotless house before, put her hands up to her face in shock... full on 'sharp intake of breath' going on and said goodness what's wrong with the telly .... it was literally the ONLY THING In THE HOUSE that wasn't dusted and bleached

prawnpatrol Tue 11-Jun-19 09:04:10

* OP - this always happens on MN you could say my mother stabbed me with a kitchen knife and done poster will say “well at least you’ve got a mother”*
So true!!!
Sorry OP, hard to grow up like that and I fear it happens a lot

inspiralcarpet Tue 11-Jun-19 09:21:48

My mother turned a blind eye to my sex pest father and psychopath brother, both of whom made my life hell.

Now she tells people the reason I don’t speak to them is because I’m mental.

She’s a cunt and soon enough she’ll be a widowed cunt who never sees her daughter or only gc and that’s the bed she made for herself.

amusedbush Tue 11-Jun-19 09:36:01

Yes, my mother is a textbook narcissist. She is absolutely awful but there is no reasoning with her. I always thought my dad was this poor, put-upon man who deserved better and it took me years to realise that he actually stood by and enabled her to treat me so badly.

I'm LC, I live across the country and see them maybe twice a year.

Gottalovesummer Tue 11-Jun-19 10:07:20

These stories are a hard read. I'm sorry for you all, I know how many of you feel.

I'm at a crossroads and considering going NC but I still want to see my dad (they're still together)

Xx for you all sharing your stories.

ainsisoisje Tue 11-Jun-19 10:27:56

Yep. Have tried every which way to please her. She invents new rules every time you visit so she’s got one up on you the minute you walk in the door which genuinely makes you thing you are losing it. Then when you have remembered all her rules she’ll say she doesn’t do that anymore. Won’t accept any help but constantly moaning no one helps her. Wants visits but then does not want to do anything except have you sit in the house while she does chores. Used to deliberately not get me a towel when staying over so had to ask every time. Every single time for a smidge of control. Calls me ‘she’ sneeringly in front of my brother and generally looks at me like I’m something she’s scraped off her shoe. Has said awful things over the years. Spreads half truths around the family then sits back and watches the fun. Lightbulb moment recently I stopped worrying about her and doing things for her as she simply does not register it. Happy that I’ve stopped giving a crap about pleasing her, it’s just the way she is and it’s saved me loads of effort!! It’s mainly sad as she’s chosen to favour my brother but has missed out on genuine connection with her daughters.

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