what is up with my husband? (not lighthearted)

[themiddlestair]

He always has to be right. Its like being wrong doesn't even occur to him - its totally beyond his ken.
Even when he is clearly and objectively wrong and demonstratively so, he will insist he is right. It's like the taming of the shrew when they are looking at the sun and he tries to get his wife to say its the moon.
He cannot understand anyone disagreeing with him or having a different point of view.
He responds to any feedback which isn't positive as criticism and reacts by defending himself or verbally attacking the person speaking to him. So whenever I try to talk about issues in our marriage - they always end up as an attack on me.
He pretty much never says sorry, over anything - he just defends himself and these defences are often pathetic or clearly untrue (but I suspect he believes them as his psychology won't allow him to accept fault). He once trod on a five years foot accidentally and shouted out an angry defence instead of saying sorry.

He has no self insight and is completely unable to reflect on himself and change and improve.
He is very emotional and completely unable to see how he is emotional - so he will be critical and aggressive and not see how he is coming across.
He forgets things which have happened which reflect badly on him ( he genuinely does seem to erase them from his memory)
He doesn't seem able to see other people as people in their own right - they only exist in terms of what they mean to him.
He is extremely poor at understanding other people's emotions or perspectives.
However he has lots of emotions and feelings of his own and is demonstrative of these.

He reminds me of a child trapped in an adults body. His inability to accept criticism or feedback and use it to grow and develop is really immature psychologically.

TBh I have lost all respect for him over the years. In fact as far as I am concerned our marriage is over.

But his behaviour is so extreme and so self destructive (he desperately wants us to stay together yet completely refuses to do any of the things I tell him I need for this to happen, even really simple practical things) that I genuinely think he has some disorder or something.

Any thoughts?

[SheepOnRafts]

Narcissist. LTB

[NorthEndGal]

Was he like this before you married him?
And what was he like living at home, can you ask his Mum?
It sounds like either a) he's always been like this and now it's too much for you
Or B) something actually happened to change him

[SystolicSyster]

I know narcissism is probably an over-used term, but it does sound like a full blown case from your description - if not pathological than at least a personality type. I would not waste more time in trying to get him to understand, sadly.

[themiddlestair]

He's always been like this. It's just taken me a very long time to realise it.

Because he loved me, and he likes affection, he was very affectionate and loving and endlessly told me how he cherished me. But whenever he had a chance to prove it through he behaviour, he failed. I spent years excusing these instances as aberrations but now realise they are just how he is. I know that me and my life are never on his mind. How he feels about me is, but nor actual ME.

My parents never expressed love or affection and so I think I was so desperate for this excused a lot. Also, my Dad was critical and dismissive of me and my feelings and had no interest in my life so I think I never realised how bad that was in a relationship.

[Tableclothing]

Sounds like he has a lot of narcissistic traits - but I presume he hasn't always been like this, has he?

[Tableclothing]

X post

[Tableclothing]

When are you leaving?

[themiddlestair]

As soon as I get a job.

[sheshootssheimplores]

He is male. I have one at home that shares some of those traits. Total inability to be wrong.

[foreverhanging]

Narccisist

[foreverhanging]

Sorry narcissist bloody spelling

[Tableclothing]

How is the job hunt going? What sort of thing are you looking for?

[pinkyredrose]

Can you leave sooner, stay with family or friends?

[SystolicSyster]

He is male. I have one at home that shares some of those traits. Total inability to be wrong.

Yeah, no... That's not a male thing. That's a tosser thing.

[themiddlestair]

A couple of friends with autistic relatives have suggested this due to the lack of empathy and rigid insistence on being right. I don't know much about autism but can't help thinking there is more. Surely an autistic person could learn that even if they couldn't understand WHY somehting was important to someone else, they could understand THAT it is important - but he can't even get that far. If it is not important to him he just isn't acted on - no matter how bad the consequences are for either of us.
He is also an emotional coward - he won't do anything that causes him emotional discomfort - even if that means transferring all the discomfort/ shitty situation onto me instead.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Work very hard on getting a job then. FIL is like this, right down to the blaming of children. We don't see him very much. And I don't let him babysit DD.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

My DBro is on the spectrum as are many people I know, including a very dear friend. They aren't arseholes. They have learned to do things to make other happy, as all of us do. Yours is not like that.

[themiddlestair]

Yours is not like that

No he's not. There are things he has learnt a 'good' person does - which is mainly the washing up but he doesn't do anything I think is important.

I have read about narcissm and that says they are charming. But he isn't. Because he can't read (or perhaps has no interest in) other people's emotions, he winds them up but doesn't see it. My dad was like that actually.

[MindfulBear]

How do you feel about it this?

Must be hard?
How long have you been together?
Do you have kids?
How long have you been out of work / looking for work?

TBH if it's over it's over so why wait? Get up and go. Stay with friends or family - however distant you normally are. People have a tendency to help if you throw yourself on their mercy.

Or one day change the locks (every single one) and kick him out (I prefer this approach if you have kids ....). See a lawyer first (or the local CAB) and confirm steps you need to take but possession really is 9/10ths of the law!!

If you haven't already..... In the run up to this exit start siphoning off cash into a post office account so you have some cash to tide you over. (I know someone who did this with a husband who was controlling - maybe narcissistic - , albeit she built up a rainy day fund but never left him in the end due to them both being in ill health).

If he kicks up a stink tell him you've been trying to talk to him for years and it's got to the point you can't go on and this was the only way forward.

Best foot forward! Good luck.

[EnidButton]

He is male

Sorry sheshoots but you may be married to an arsehole too. It's not a male thing. The majority of men can admit when they're wrong, behave reasonably instead of getting angry and feel bad and apologise after hurting a small child, albeit accidentally. In the same way most woman would. Because we're all people and a person's sex or gender doesn't excuse horrible unreasonable behaviour.

[EnidButton]

have read about narcissm and that says they are charming

What's he like with people outside of his family? People at work, who he meets on holiday, in shops etc?

[themiddlestair]

If he kicks up a stink tell him you've been trying to talk to him for years Oh that will go nowhere - that just ends up with him accusing me of being determined to end the marriage (despite the fact that I can very well evidence how I have tried very hard and very fruitlessly to save the marriage - but from his perspective this is all out of the blue because he has just erased from his memory all the years I have been talking to him about the problems in our marriage).

You really can't talk to him. He is completely irrational, completely disconnected from reality and utterly unaware of this.

I dont' really want to turn this into a thread about the timing/ mechanics of me leaving though. Just wondering if anyone had any thoughts about why he is like this. He really is weird.

[QueenOfTheCroneAge]

Whatever it is, it is not your job to fix him, and he doesn't seem to want to fix himself so........

[themiddlestair]

What's he like with people outside of his family? People at work, who he meets on holiday, in shops etc?

Well, he can be obnoxious to everyone! His Dad said he got a lot better when he met me. Some of my friends didn't like him because he would rant at them for driving to the gym or whatever.. Once a doorman refused us entry to an event as he went into an angry rant about the admission price. He does have friends though. i don't know about wrok as he wouldn't tell me about any problems, or even retain them to memory himself.

[themiddlestair]

Whatever it is, it is not your job to fix him, and he doesn't seem to want to fix himself

God no! The years I wasted thinking, 'If only I can understand him I can make things work out between us'
Certainly don't think that anymore.

I am curious though. Especially as his behaviour makes him unhappy as well as me. Well I guess the answer is that he won't accept that his behaviour is having a negative effect. So there's no need for him to change. He only sees my unhappiness as unfair on him.

When I have tried to discuss with him how he behaves he accuses me of wanting him to be perfect and of thinking that I am perfect. Because he can't be wrong so he has to attack me.