I hate my DS, wish I never had him

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

He’s miserable all the time, doesn’t want to go out, always causing trouble. Seems no matter how lovely I am and what I do for him, it’s never right or enough. He’s 4. I don’t care if he’ll grow out of it. He’s been like this for so long and I really wish I never had him. Deep down I love him but he’s ruining my life and I want my freedom back. I often think about getting my own place and leaving DS with DP but I love DP and I know I can’t really leave as that would be reprehensible. So i’m doomed with forever being unhappy and regretting my life choice.

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

I feel trapped

[roundligament]

Ring your GP and get an emergency appointment

Is he tired? My son is dreadful when he is tired, can you go for a drive and let him sleep. When you get home try to see what he wants a bath, say yes to what he asks.

Have you told him he is making you very sad?

I am so sorry you feel so terrible

[OurChristmasMiracle]

OP. First of all I think maybe you need to see a GP. Maybe some parenting programmes to be more positive and maybe see what’s causing your DS to be so unhappy and not want to go out.

Also he’s 4; he doesn’t really have the final say. You as the parent say “today we are going to do x or y”

It sounds like you need to have some you time. Can your DP take your DS whilst you go and do some adult things- even if it’s a walk in the park? So you can feel like you again?

[AndOutComeTheBoobs]

How long has he been this way?

Does he sleep well? Does he have any health issues?

When does he start school?

Does he go to nursery?

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

The thing is he’s so head strong if I make him do something he doesn’t want to do he just makes the whole day miserable

[BallyHockeySticks]

Yes, emergency appt with your GP.

I know it feels a long way off now, but is he starting school in Sept? Is he in preschool?

[crosser62]

I can completely relate to this, completely.

I often had fantasies about getting a job abroad and coming home every 3 months for a week.
The guilt of course was crushing.
I disliked being his mother, disliked being with him as I found it so so challenging and was secretly jealous of others gushing about their perfect little children.
It got better when he started school and I increased my hours at work, that was my escape and breathing space.
Luckily for us, my dh absolutely adores the bones of the child and was/is a very hands on and a much better parent than I could ever hope to be.
I have no answer for you op, just know that it’s not just you that feels this way.

[Isaididont]

Some children are more difficult than others. It sounds like you've ended up with a child that you find really challenging. Some people have kids that are easier than others, for example my DS is so much easier to deal with than my DD. (Love my DD but she can be very hard work).
I don't think it will only be about your DS, though, it could also be about your feelings about motherhood, your experience of motherhood when you were a child, stuff like that. From that point of view, I think you could do with counselling or something to help you get to the bottom of why you feel this way - it could be some form of depression or something similar to PPD.
Do you get enough support? Can you afford babysitters when you need a break? We used to pay a teenager to babysit so it cost just £5 an hour but we would always be just around the corner and made sure she knew to ring us if any problems. She was v responsible. It just made it more affordable to get a couple hours the two of us (DH and I).
I wouldn't tell him he is making you very sad as the poster above suggested (although I agree about the tiredness and getting a GP appt). He's only little and not responsible for your feelings so i don't know if that's a good idea.
All the best, you're not alone, many people struggle with motherhood

[OurChristmasMiracle]

The thing is what you are teaching him is that if he doesn’t want to do something he doesn’t have to. He’s learnt that even when you make him do it if he makes the day miserable you will back off and won’t bother.

He’s getting his own way! You need to be consistent.

I do think you may benefit from a parenting programme

[RosaWaiting]

is there anyone you can stay with temporarily?

Friend of mine was in a very similar position and lived with her mum a few months to get some peace. Then she returned to her partner but they set things up so he was the main childcare person as he was clearly much better suited to it than she was - something they may not have found out at all if she hadn't taken a time out.

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

I’m not depressed though (and I know what depression feels like as I’ve had it on numerous occasions), I am happy at work, I’m happy when alone, happy with friends, happy with DP but when I have to spend time with DS alone or as a family I would rather I wasn’t, I don’t enjoy it and feel like he’s ruining what would otherwise be a happy existence.

[NoSauce]

I’m sorry to read this OP. How does your partner feel about your DS? What’s his behaviour like at nursery/school? Do they have any concerns about his behaviour?

[RosaWaiting]

I hear you OP
hence my suggestion

my friend found it very difficult to get past the stereotype thing of "OMD a mother leaving her child" but sometimes it makes more sense.

how does your DP find parenting?

[TeaRoseTallulah]

Even if you've had depression before it doesn't mean it'll present itself in the same way again. I honestly think if you're at the point where you start a post saying you wish your 4 year old had never been born and you hate him and you want to leave then you should see a GP as an emergency. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad , motherhood is so hard sometimes x

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

DP loves him so much, they have a good relationship although does realise he’s annoying at times.

He’s with a childminder 4 days a week and he’s well behaved. He’s just a nightmare at home with us.

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

I’d go full time but it doesn’t make sense when he’s going to school in September and then the day off I have I can spend on myself

[ChariotsofFish]

How long have you felt like this? If it’s been since soon after he was born then it is worth exploring whether you have unresolved PND, which can feel different to other forms of depression. If it’s more recent than that, is he in a phase that’s particularly challenging? Do you think he might have any special needs? How much child free time do you get?

[AtrociousCircumstance]

What was your childhood like? Just wondering if that might a factor.

[NoSauce]

I honestly think you should talk to your GP. It’s not fair on either of you to have these feelings OP.

[Redcliff]

4 is a hard age - am going through it right now. Have you read any parenting books - I found "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" helpful- also Dr Sears when he was younger.

[AndOutComeTheBoobs]

OP, I have three boys and this age is seriously tough.

For us, it starts age 3 and starts to calm down age 5.
I really don't like that stage though, our boys were little blighters.
Really awful tantrums, daily. Not going to bed without an hour tantrum, smashing things, screaming etc.

My first son was the worst. My second son at least complied with the naughty step and would come running if I said "fine I'm going then see you later" while he was on the floor in Tesco.
My first son would just carry on screaming. I had to physically carry him kicking and screaming.

They are 8 and 12 (youngest is a baby) now and absolutely lovely kids, well behaved, well mannered get on well, do well at school and generally lovely boys.

It gets better. It really really does.

[TeaRoseTallulah]

How long have you felt like this? If it’s been since soon after he was born then it is worth exploring whether you have unresolved PND, which can feel different to other forms of depression and can often present as resenting your child.

[NabooThatsWho]

Motherhood is really hard. You don’t realise how much freedom you are going to lose until your child is born and then of course it is too late. Add to that, having a difficult, challenging child, it can be hard to get any pleasure out of it.
Don’t really have any advice, just know that it gradually gets easier as they get older.
The first 3-4 years are so demanding, but it does ease off.

You will get your freedom back OP.

[Teddybear45]

Do you shout at him? If so he could be copying you.