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Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

(1000 Posts)
pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 00:18:14

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

managedmis Sat 25-May-19 23:05:31

Just want to be poster 1000 for once

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 23:04:49

See below

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 23:03:29

Me? In heels? And lipstick?

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 23:01:58

The trouble with banning the Zombie Apocalypse is that Naked is the ZA and we can't ban her cos not only is she a total hottie, she also can add up and build rockets and bombs. Therefore if she wants to be a ZA, she can.

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 22:57:30

Me waving from my treehouse

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 22:53:38

Those dandies are looking downwards at BoJo who's about to give them a BlowJo.

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 22:50:54

I'm back, a new thread is ready and waiting. I like the idea of planning our rooms. I'd like a really nice treehouse and I'll lower the rope ladder if I'm prepared to communicate. If the ladder is up then don't approach or I'll shoot. You know it's the right thing to do.

My daily bowel updates will be posted via flags. A changing of flags will be signalled by a canon shot. Dangly will shoot the canon ball out of her fanny.

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 22:26:43

Battery nearly flat...see you all on the other side!

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 22:25:20

project maybe we could have flags like in the navy. You know, for yellow fever aboard etc. We could have some special ones for thigh to update us on her bowels. She would love that!

ProjectGainsborough Sat 25-May-19 22:12:55

He’s only a fuckboy Johnny he doesn’t need to be bright.

Where’s thigh? We need a new thread!

ProjectGainsborough Sat 25-May-19 22:10:55

Ooh I quite liked being dangly - she has more skillz than me with the rugby balls and everything.

Dog we can arrange that. Do you mind if I spray paint the windows with NO VISITORS?

DogHairEverywhere Sat 25-May-19 22:06:18

Ooh, we should plan our new rooms, I'd like something like this, please, Proj.

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 21:44:03

Well mummy I am hoping for plenty of home comforts when I move in, we all are. Thigh in particular demands state of the art plumbing, or she resorts to a DIY garderobe.

Mummy0ftwo12 Sat 25-May-19 21:38:37

A comfy turret (not one of your national trust types) would be good, not sure I could trust robot lawnmowers or young men with tattoo's - although I might need a practical case study to pass the assassins course with honours.

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 21:35:19

project will dangly be your first "guest" ? She's probably quite institutionalised by now. I assume you'll be able to issue sick notes for her? It is work's fault, they don't deserve to have her back yet!

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 21:28:51

johnny somebody just said "psst, your fly's undone" Gets them every time!

If they're dandies then they'll be no good as gardeners. Beau Brummell was very specific about being well manicured.

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 21:23:37

Argh project I have been calling you dangly but you obviously know you're you!

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Sat 25-May-19 21:19:21

I don't like those men. They look like they suffer from dandyism or possibly are part of a boy band that has just regrouped.

Why is the one in grey staring at his shoes? Has he stepped in dog shit? Is he standing on the brink of a sinkhole? So many questions.....

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 21:17:46

mummy you will have a turret of your own at dangly's new stately home, and do your assassin course from there. It will be really safe. You will be guarded by tattooed men and robot lawnmowers.

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 21:14:07

Are those tattooed men our gardeners? That's a thoughtful touch. I know thigh was hoping for some robot lawnmowers.....maybe we could have some as a back up. Human gardeners are very unreliable.

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 21:10:12

dangly we'd be OK at the spa, but the zombies would be locked out, right?

I have such a bad feeling about the Zombie Apocalypse, the sooner we get settled in our new home the better!

Mummy0ftwo12 Sat 25-May-19 20:53:51

Erm i will stick with gin and Tiffany's and murdering by correspondence, the zombies can't get me by correspondence.

ProjectGainsborough Sat 25-May-19 20:42:16

Also tattooed men. I will take one of those. Although he’s got bigger tits than me

ProjectGainsborough Sat 25-May-19 20:40:56

I don’t know what this means

ProjectGainsborough Sat 25-May-19 20:40:16

I know. I’ll buy the sanitarium and we can turn it into a murderers’ day spa.

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