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Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

(1000 Posts)
pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 00:18:14

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

ProjectGainsborough Fri 24-May-19 18:36:54

Cabal it’s Friday. Who are we murdering? We don’t seem to be murdering the care home staff, more outwitting them with our genius.

Who wants murdering? I’m feeling pretty jolly at the moment. I’ve sold my house and Whiny Bitch is on leave, so no yen to kill anyone I know, but I don’t want to get rusty.

DanglyTassles Fri 24-May-19 18:37:54

Yes yes!! We are both TITS and FANIS

DanglyTassles Fri 24-May-19 19:43:33

Project we keep offering to do free murders for the general public but they often just run away from us! I wonder why??

ProjectGainsborough Fri 24-May-19 21:44:45

But surely the general public want murder? I mean deep down??

thislido Fri 24-May-19 21:49:54

Hurray! I've arrived just in time to be a TITS and FANI. Sorry I missed the rescue, I had to go and check the Ladies Pond for pensises. Its a shame the looney bin wasn't more to our liking, I was just thinking that we could all get committed and have a bit of a rest.

thislido Fri 24-May-19 21:50:26

Proj when did you stop being TM? No wonder she's lost it.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Fri 24-May-19 22:00:39

Dangly have you got a poster of Rita Hayworth? And a butter knife? These are the makings of a good prison break.

Also if you recite the Lord's Prayer at them they can't hang you. It's called droit de seigneur. I think the LP starts "how do I love thee....."

Can't remember the rest.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Fri 24-May-19 22:02:02

Are there peniae in the Laydeez Pond? Definitely a euphemism......

pineapplebryanbrown Fri 24-May-19 22:08:09

Was it very cold in the ladies pond? Did you swim nekked?

DogHairEverywhere Fri 24-May-19 22:17:13

If it was very cold, then it makes the checking for peniae much, much more difficult.

thislido Fri 24-May-19 22:17:22

It was 17.5 degrees, which is cold if you're not used to swimming outside, but verging on warm if you are. Not allowed to swim naked sadly, although I have seen women surreptitiously remove their costumes and swim around holding them, putting them back on before emerging. No penises spotted, so I didn't have to masquerade as a hungry pike.

"how do I love thee and forgive thy thou trespasses, let me count the ways..."

thislido Fri 24-May-19 22:18:20

The men they are attached to tend not to shrink so much as their delicate organs.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Fri 24-May-19 22:23:41

Do you think it would be politically incorrect to leap into the Ladies' Pond hollering COOOOOCK at the top of one's voice and swimming excitedly after penis-havers?

thislido Fri 24-May-19 22:27:05

Could it be passed off as friendliness do you think?

RagnBoneManFucker Fri 24-May-19 23:00:12

Where is the ladies pond? I'm up for a bit of penii checking after my stressful 3 days of employment. Project please hurry and release some funds from your house sale, I need a retirement home ASAP.

Are you out now Dangly? If not perhaps we could blow you out, I'm sure most of us will have some spare explosives knocking about.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Fri 24-May-19 23:06:35

Alternatively, how bad would it be to arrive dressed in a scanty bikini with a huge, bulging strap on underneath, thus providing your own Cock?

nakedscientist Fri 24-May-19 23:28:42

Oooooh Johnny I like your thinking , self identify as a woman identifying as a man who is a ladeeee

I think us TITS and FANIS could adopt strap on bulging cocks under our slankets.

thislido Fri 24-May-19 23:37:15

* Rag* Hampstead Heath, so you could visit the childers at the fair at the same time.

pineapplebryanbrown Fri 24-May-19 23:55:22

TL but Rag needs to rest, not visit childers. Rag did you remember to say "no backsies" when you palmed off the childers?

pineapplebryanbrown Fri 24-May-19 23:56:49

17.5 is Arctic, may as well swim in Svalbard, forget it, I need 28 degrees at least.

pineapplebryanbrown Fri 24-May-19 23:59:49

Naked yes, massive jizzing cocks. We cease to communicate other than by one jizz for yes, two for no. Sign documents with a big splodge. That's where TM failed.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Sat 25-May-19 00:00:35

Is no backsies a euphemism?

Also I have to go to a birthday with 17 million 1yos tomorrow. Would it be a faux pas to charge around the room shouting cock at the top of my voice?

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 00:15:49

Johnny I think no backsies should be applied in every situation.

Why in the Thigh are you going to a one year old's party? Send the child a cease and desist letter re contact and sign it with jizz.

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 08:40:16

Is DT home cos I'm pouring crack down this chimbley at a home for the criminally unworried unwell. Brodmore I think, didn't bring my glasses.

thislido Sat 25-May-19 10:40:24

She’s probably enjoying it so much she’s forgotten to escape.

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