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Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

(1000 Posts)
pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 00:18:14

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

DanglyTassles Fri 24-May-19 10:16:13

I know CP and they need to be educated!!

I might start a school in here and teach 'The Lore of the Thighway'

CarolinePooter Fri 24-May-19 10:20:24

They will flock to you!

pineapplebryanbrown Fri 24-May-19 10:21:49

While you're in desperate danger on a locked ward remember to ask the medical team what they think of my bowel conundrum. One kilo berries = 2 measly half shits. Shout it at them, they may be deaf.

pineapplebryanbrown Fri 24-May-19 10:25:27

DT you are not crazy! Thighland is real, we're just waiting for Proj to transfer our house money so we can all be alone together. Show them your rugby ball trick!

DanglyTassles Fri 24-May-19 10:44:40

I will be sure to put your question forward Thigh, although, they don't talk much, I wonder if they are mute?

I'll show them ALL of my tricks and then they'll release me! They are just ignorant of my value in society!

Oh yes I cannot wait to live off the proceeds of Project's house! None of this would have happened if I hadn't been made to work at work! sad

M3lon Fri 24-May-19 13:44:16

I tried to break and and rescue you DT, but I got distracted by the drugs cabinet. There is some GOOD SHIT in here....

If I can achieve a proper out of body experience I'll pop through the wall and commiserate the lack of rum in person.

CarolinePooter Fri 24-May-19 13:52:12

Dangly apart from reasonable food, it doesn't sound as if you are in a nice place. Have you been allowed a lawyer? Your human rights have been trashed!! Do they even allow you a slanket? Has anyone misgendered you?

FREE THE DANGLY ONE!

pineapplebryanbrown Fri 24-May-19 13:54:23

I'm trying the Terminator trick of morphing through walls. I'm flinging myself at the outer wall of your facility (not a euphemism) DT but I'm not morphing yet. I'm running rum through the water system so quickly go and drink from the toilet and have a bath.

pineapplebryanbrown Fri 24-May-19 13:55:16

Misslanketed, cruel.

pineapplebryanbrown Fri 24-May-19 13:56:42

FREE THE TASSLES

DanglyTassles Fri 24-May-19 14:10:42

Oh super thank you Thigh I've just drank the toilet and now I'm 50% through my bath water!

I feel a bit tiddly! Can you get some of the good shit to me M3 ? Maybe put it up your bum and then ask to use the toilet and then after I'll tell them I need to go in for a long shit!

It's true CP they are not nice! They said they had to knock out a form to admit 'that stripper bloke'! But I am a laydee and I like laydee things!!

I think I need some more tit Thigh , if you still have a cup going?

CarolinePooter Fri 24-May-19 14:16:20

dangly this is work's fault, they over burdened your delicate brain and driven you to distraction!

CarolinePooter Fri 24-May-19 14:17:49

Have over burdened (I'm just so upset I can't put words in!)

DanglyTassles Fri 24-May-19 15:27:38

CP exactly you understand it perfectly!! Maybe I do need legal advice, I could sue for brain damage here!

<drinks rest of bath>

ProjectGainsborough Fri 24-May-19 15:50:19

I’ll donate my donated tits to the cause.

We have the beginnings of a plan - M3lon’s inside but off her face in the drugs cabinet, thigh is determinedly bouncing off the wall and dangly is shooting rugby balls at them from her unmentionables. It’s as good as the government’s plans for Brexit, I don’t see how we could fail.

pineapplebryanbrown Fri 24-May-19 15:53:25

DT I had to give a lot of tit to Proj poor dear was like an ironing board. I gave her 4 cup sizes and 3 to Cat so that's left me at a DD - you can have 2 if that would help? I'm throwing lit heroin down the chimney now if you could fling yourself into the hearth and chase the dragon. I'll chase anyone in a white coat round the car park offering hand shandies.

DanglyTassles Fri 24-May-19 16:10:00

Brilliant!! This cannot fail. I'll see y'all in a jiffy when I've been sprung! We mustn't visit so I'll just nod in your directions knowingly.

It's ok gang! Very kinf offers but everyone can keep their tits! Once I'm out of this hell hole I know a Gentlemen's Club where I am considered perfection as I am (sick fuckers!) I just wasn't appreciated in here, they don't 'get' me like you guys do!

CarolinePooter Fri 24-May-19 16:11:30

Dangly are you allowed posters in your cell? Are you allowed a grapefruit spoon? Stay strong.

DogHairEverywhere Fri 24-May-19 16:18:07

I haven't got any spare tit to donate, but i am blessed in the pubic hair department, so I'm happy to plait you an escape ladder, if your cell is up high?

DanglyTassles Fri 24-May-19 16:21:47

CP I shall go and request a grapefruit spoon asap, i shall tell them i'm having difficulty with my grapefruit.

Dog that is a brilliant idea! I won't be here much longer with all my amazing Thighlander thriends to the rescue! So I get my spoon then chase the dragon, pounce and attack the mutes then skim down Dog's pubic plait! Got it!

FREEEEEDOOOOOOM!!!

DogHairEverywhere Fri 24-May-19 16:41:41

We may never meet, but we are a team! Perhaps our skankets should be monogrammed with TIT, (Thisters in the Team).

DogHairEverywhere Fri 24-May-19 16:42:33

Skankets? Even my typos are in keeping with low standards, skanky slankets

DanglyTassles Fri 24-May-19 16:53:43

I love that idea Dog slankets, or even skankets, embroidered with TIT logo on the left breast!

Maybe in a lovely dark yellow piss colour?

ProjectGainsborough Fri 24-May-19 17:13:43

I’m so proud to be a TIT

pineapplebryanbrown Fri 24-May-19 18:14:24

Thisters in Team Slanket - TITS

Female Assassins Nuclear Inebriated Slags - FANIS

ProjectGainsborough Fri 24-May-19 18:36:54

Cabal it’s Friday. Who are we murdering? We don’t seem to be murdering the care home staff, more outwitting them with our genius.

Who wants murdering? I’m feeling pretty jolly at the moment. I’ve sold my house and Whiny Bitch is on leave, so no yen to kill anyone I know, but I don’t want to get rusty.

DanglyTassles Fri 24-May-19 18:37:54

Yes yes!! We are both TITS and FANIS

DanglyTassles Fri 24-May-19 19:43:33

Project we keep offering to do free murders for the general public but they often just run away from us! I wonder why??

ProjectGainsborough Fri 24-May-19 21:44:45

But surely the general public want murder? I mean deep down??

thislido Fri 24-May-19 21:49:54

Hurray! I've arrived just in time to be a TITS and FANI. Sorry I missed the rescue, I had to go and check the Ladies Pond for pensises. Its a shame the looney bin wasn't more to our liking, I was just thinking that we could all get committed and have a bit of a rest.

thislido Fri 24-May-19 21:50:26

Proj when did you stop being TM? No wonder she's lost it.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Fri 24-May-19 22:00:39

Dangly have you got a poster of Rita Hayworth? And a butter knife? These are the makings of a good prison break.

Also if you recite the Lord's Prayer at them they can't hang you. It's called droit de seigneur. I think the LP starts "how do I love thee....."

Can't remember the rest.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Fri 24-May-19 22:02:02

Are there peniae in the Laydeez Pond? Definitely a euphemism......

pineapplebryanbrown Fri 24-May-19 22:08:09

Was it very cold in the ladies pond? Did you swim nekked?

DogHairEverywhere Fri 24-May-19 22:17:13

If it was very cold, then it makes the checking for peniae much, much more difficult.

thislido Fri 24-May-19 22:17:22

It was 17.5 degrees, which is cold if you're not used to swimming outside, but verging on warm if you are. Not allowed to swim naked sadly, although I have seen women surreptitiously remove their costumes and swim around holding them, putting them back on before emerging. No penises spotted, so I didn't have to masquerade as a hungry pike.

"how do I love thee and forgive thy thou trespasses, let me count the ways..."

thislido Fri 24-May-19 22:18:20

The men they are attached to tend not to shrink so much as their delicate organs.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Fri 24-May-19 22:23:41

Do you think it would be politically incorrect to leap into the Ladies' Pond hollering COOOOOCK at the top of one's voice and swimming excitedly after penis-havers?

thislido Fri 24-May-19 22:27:05

Could it be passed off as friendliness do you think?

RagnBoneManFucker Fri 24-May-19 23:00:12

Where is the ladies pond? I'm up for a bit of penii checking after my stressful 3 days of employment. Project please hurry and release some funds from your house sale, I need a retirement home ASAP.

Are you out now Dangly? If not perhaps we could blow you out, I'm sure most of us will have some spare explosives knocking about.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Fri 24-May-19 23:06:35

Alternatively, how bad would it be to arrive dressed in a scanty bikini with a huge, bulging strap on underneath, thus providing your own Cock?

nakedscientist Fri 24-May-19 23:28:42

Oooooh Johnny I like your thinking , self identify as a woman identifying as a man who is a ladeeee

I think us TITS and FANIS could adopt strap on bulging cocks under our slankets.

thislido Fri 24-May-19 23:37:15

* Rag* Hampstead Heath, so you could visit the childers at the fair at the same time.

pineapplebryanbrown Fri 24-May-19 23:55:22

TL but Rag needs to rest, not visit childers. Rag did you remember to say "no backsies" when you palmed off the childers?

pineapplebryanbrown Fri 24-May-19 23:56:49

17.5 is Arctic, may as well swim in Svalbard, forget it, I need 28 degrees at least.

pineapplebryanbrown Fri 24-May-19 23:59:49

Naked yes, massive jizzing cocks. We cease to communicate other than by one jizz for yes, two for no. Sign documents with a big splodge. That's where TM failed.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Sat 25-May-19 00:00:35

Is no backsies a euphemism?

Also I have to go to a birthday with 17 million 1yos tomorrow. Would it be a faux pas to charge around the room shouting cock at the top of my voice?

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 00:15:49

Johnny I think no backsies should be applied in every situation.

Why in the Thigh are you going to a one year old's party? Send the child a cease and desist letter re contact and sign it with jizz.

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 08:40:16

Is DT home cos I'm pouring crack down this chimbley at a home for the criminally unworried unwell. Brodmore I think, didn't bring my glasses.

thislido Sat 25-May-19 10:40:24

She’s probably enjoying it so much she’s forgotten to escape.

DanglyTassles Sat 25-May-19 11:00:59

Howdy Folks! Yes, sorry you've smuggled in so many treats for me I thought I'd stay on a few days.

Thanks got the crack Thigh , I'm just off to top up my blood/crack levels!

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 11:06:42

dangly I've made you a cake. Don't bite down too hard.

DanglyTassles Sat 25-May-19 11:09:42

CP thank you very much I shall utilise whatever is inside at the end of my holiday! I wonder if I'm allowed out in the gardens! They need a bit of topiary doing! Is topiarytart free?

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 11:26:00

I've got the most offensive advert here, headed "Tired of your sagging skin?" Illustrated by a before/after drawing of a woman's bingo wings! Some clinic I think.

Good grief I hate to think what their remedy is. A really tight top knot ? Also, some nerve targeting me!!!

DanglyTassles Sat 25-May-19 11:31:31

It's offensive caroline they need to be taught s lesson!

When I'm back from this 'holiday' we will go to their clinic and show them not to mess with us!!

I have a grapefruit spoon and I'm prepared to use it!!

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 11:34:46

Obviously us oldies should try not to scare the horses. Instead of taking clothes OFF for the summer weather I shall now wear:

A set of long johns
A liberty bodice
An extra vest
Several cashmere jumpers
Some bloomers
Some thermal trousers
Some woolly tights
Ski socks and boots
A wet suit....

AND A MASSIVE STRAP ON.

Now off for a swim with lido

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 11:37:32

Now Morrison's 3 for 2 on summer fruit. I think I'm getting your adverts, thigh

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 11:38:53

Apart from the saggy skin one, that's pretty well aimed at me.

thislido Sat 25-May-19 11:45:50

Yay Caroline! We can dry you off in the sun later and I can hang my costume on your strap on.

thislido Sat 25-May-19 11:46:19

Couldn’t be arsed to read to the end but there’s some candidates on here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3590370-How-do-you-not-be-irritated-by-everyone

DanglyTassles Sat 25-May-19 11:46:20

I don't have an advert now! It must be because I'm incarcerated so no point!

thislido Sat 25-May-19 11:48:03

Look I’m getting M3’s ads - beekeeping summer school for childers.

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 11:59:38

Spooky!

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 12:00:26

lido my strap on is at your disposal!

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 12:06:07

Yep, some mardy women on that thread. Why are they there and not here ? We're nice, aren't we?

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 13:05:24

I will read the thread but gotta say not a massive fan of mardy or sulky. Murderous and joyous yes.

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 13:09:59

True, grumbling won't cut it. We need proper red mist and blood lust!

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 13:17:24

I'm actually very happy now that we live in Thighland. A murderous cabal of piss stained slanket wearing blood thirsty thisters, the only thing missing from our lives is money and Proj is about to solve that.

ProjectGainsborough Sat 25-May-19 14:59:54

Monies coming soon, I hope.

I worry about that thread. I tend to avoid human contact because people have feelings all over the place which makes me uncomfortable. Rather than feeling annoyed because I think everyone’s an idiot. All that eye rolling and sighing - is that what’s going to happen to me as I get middle aged??

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 17:09:46

Proj no, if you're not a sigher and teeth gnasher you won't become one. You'll just get more and more selective re who you spend time with.

DanglyTassles Sat 25-May-19 19:36:44

Project I am relying on you for a new life without work [puke emoticon]

I've decided I will stay in this 'holiday sanctuary/sanitorium' until I have a life waiting for me furnished with all of my entitlements including enough resting and a negative stress reading on the barometer, thus enabling me to go forth and engage in dramas (like work) through choice and not the design of my life!

I do enjoy a bit of drama of my own making like the murders and body disposals but NOT responding to emails! [UGH}

DanglyTassles Sat 25-May-19 19:37:38

NOW I get adverts!! Soap and Glory Haircare!!

How rude!! I love my nest!!

DanglyTassles Sat 25-May-19 19:54:56

Thisters it has to be acknowledged! I have been gathering evidence and The Ads are out to aggravate us! They know our weaknesses AND our strengths! A full analysis has been done on each and every one of us here in Thighland and then ads released to annoy!

How shall we act against this significant threat to our usual 'calm but sinister' dispositions?

Mummy0ftwo12 Sat 25-May-19 20:03:57

Still lurking whilst swotting up on the assassins correspondence course, thankfully my ads are for Gin and Tiffany's.

DanglyTassles Sat 25-May-19 20:16:06

Mummy (Hello) once you get truly engaged with us the ads will know and they will hit you where it hurts (if only you gave a fuck!)

So I ask you, are you ready for the on-coming war?

ProjectGainsborough Sat 25-May-19 20:40:16

I know. I’ll buy the sanitarium and we can turn it into a murderers’ day spa.

ProjectGainsborough Sat 25-May-19 20:40:56

I don’t know what this means

ProjectGainsborough Sat 25-May-19 20:42:16

Also tattooed men. I will take one of those. Although he’s got bigger tits than me

Mummy0ftwo12 Sat 25-May-19 20:53:51

Erm i will stick with gin and Tiffany's and murdering by correspondence, the zombies can't get me by correspondence.

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 21:10:12

dangly we'd be OK at the spa, but the zombies would be locked out, right?

I have such a bad feeling about the Zombie Apocalypse, the sooner we get settled in our new home the better!

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 21:14:07

Are those tattooed men our gardeners? That's a thoughtful touch. I know thigh was hoping for some robot lawnmowers.....maybe we could have some as a back up. Human gardeners are very unreliable.

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 21:17:46

mummy you will have a turret of your own at dangly's new stately home, and do your assassin course from there. It will be really safe. You will be guarded by tattooed men and robot lawnmowers.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Sat 25-May-19 21:19:21

I don't like those men. They look like they suffer from dandyism or possibly are part of a boy band that has just regrouped.

Why is the one in grey staring at his shoes? Has he stepped in dog shit? Is he standing on the brink of a sinkhole? So many questions.....

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 21:23:37

Argh project I have been calling you dangly but you obviously know you're you!

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 21:28:51

johnny somebody just said "psst, your fly's undone" Gets them every time!

If they're dandies then they'll be no good as gardeners. Beau Brummell was very specific about being well manicured.

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 21:35:19

project will dangly be your first "guest" ? She's probably quite institutionalised by now. I assume you'll be able to issue sick notes for her? It is work's fault, they don't deserve to have her back yet!

Mummy0ftwo12 Sat 25-May-19 21:38:37

A comfy turret (not one of your national trust types) would be good, not sure I could trust robot lawnmowers or young men with tattoo's - although I might need a practical case study to pass the assassins course with honours.

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 21:44:03

Well mummy I am hoping for plenty of home comforts when I move in, we all are. Thigh in particular demands state of the art plumbing, or she resorts to a DIY garderobe.

DogHairEverywhere Sat 25-May-19 22:06:18

Ooh, we should plan our new rooms, I'd like something like this, please, Proj.

ProjectGainsborough Sat 25-May-19 22:10:55

Ooh I quite liked being dangly - she has more skillz than me with the rugby balls and everything.

Dog we can arrange that. Do you mind if I spray paint the windows with NO VISITORS?

ProjectGainsborough Sat 25-May-19 22:12:55

He’s only a fuckboy Johnny he doesn’t need to be bright.

Where’s thigh? We need a new thread!

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 22:25:20

project maybe we could have flags like in the navy. You know, for yellow fever aboard etc. We could have some special ones for thigh to update us on her bowels. She would love that!

CarolinePooter Sat 25-May-19 22:26:43

Battery nearly flat...see you all on the other side!

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 22:50:54

I'm back, a new thread is ready and waiting. I like the idea of planning our rooms. I'd like a really nice treehouse and I'll lower the rope ladder if I'm prepared to communicate. If the ladder is up then don't approach or I'll shoot. You know it's the right thing to do.

My daily bowel updates will be posted via flags. A changing of flags will be signalled by a canon shot. Dangly will shoot the canon ball out of her fanny.

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 22:53:38

Those dandies are looking downwards at BoJo who's about to give them a BlowJo.

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 22:57:30

Me waving from my treehouse

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 23:01:58

The trouble with banning the Zombie Apocalypse is that Naked is the ZA and we can't ban her cos not only is she a total hottie, she also can add up and build rockets and bombs. Therefore if she wants to be a ZA, she can.

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 23:03:29

Me? In heels? And lipstick?

pineapplebryanbrown Sat 25-May-19 23:04:49

See below

managedmis Sat 25-May-19 23:05:31

Just want to be poster 1000 for once

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