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Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

(1000 Posts)
pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 00:18:14

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 00:24:10

We're also all asleep right now, but settle down under a slanket and enjoy the Monster Munch until we are ready to minister to you.

25bucksandacracker Sun 12-May-19 00:24:25

Can I be the Thighland babysitter? I am quite drunk just now but i promise ill clean up my act and get a throw for the sofa

ProjectGainsborough Sun 12-May-19 08:31:34

Yes 25, the Dark Lord is available for baby sitting any time you want him. Be aware that he’ll steal your car keys and sell your jewellery though.

Welcome to just. I laughed quite hard at your dandelion-eating toddler. In an entirely benevolent and kindly way, of course.

The house has not sold yet, cabal. We had more viewings yesterday and I had a small mental breakdown while cleaning in preparation. Bring back the days when we could just live comfortably in our own filth.

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 08:33:50

Reporting for duty! I am glad thigh has come back from her hols to lead us. We were getting over- involved with jizz and that never ends well.

Do we need to change our names again?

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 08:37:44

Oh project we have been intending to sell for years, and the thought of tidying up/cleaning is quite daunting. On the other hand I have a friend who recommends moving house as a good way to get a clean cooker.

WaxaCuntee Sun 12-May-19 08:50:02

Hello Thighland. No angst here yet I see.
I have tried to catch up but all the gin and jizz talk was making me feel a bit nauseous if I'm honest.

25, perhaps you could take Just's small human to the park as she hasn't managed to do it herself due to clumsiness from what I can make out.

I've decided to keep this name as it is much catchier. Thanks for the inspiration.

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 09:06:53

I do like your new name wax ! Tis true the Gizz was a bit yuck but some of us are prepared to stoop very low to get rich.

Inspired by another thread, perhaps we could get government grants to forcibly wash people? There are plenty of volunteer Mumsnetters who (probably willingly and without payment) could be sent out to bring them to us.

It would be a bit like portable doggy salons, and we would gradually increase our remit. It will start with a daily shower, but then twice or thrice. Jackbooted Supersniffers recruited from Mumsnet could do all the work. Any takers?

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 09:11:41

BTW as Board Members nobody would be allowed to sniff us, or our slankets.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 09:14:24

I’m surprised no people with problems arrived overnight. Maybe they are all having a lie in.

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 09:16:26

Like a human car wash? We roll people through it.

I've always wanted a machine that would wash, dry, beperfume and dress me as well as coiffing my hair.

That was pre-Thighland though, before I realised that piss was actually an accessory.

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 09:18:23

Thislido they're growing wise to us and know that we just lure people in and they never get to leave. It's like the town of Stepford here - but in reverse.

This is our 12th thread, it's ridiculous. I was just a bit bored one morning, I didn't mean for all this to happen.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 09:19:29

I had in mind a car wash too. But for a smaller capital investment we could just get a hose with one of those variable attachments.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 09:20:29

But it’s so lovely here. Why don’t they want to join?

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 09:57:33

They're still in the shower, lido . Whatever's wrong with having a quick wipe down with an oily rag?

25bucksandacracker Sun 12-May-19 09:58:35

We could just crack a fire hydrant open and slop people around in that. Then we don't have to buy equipment. I've just bought a McDonald's breakfast bagel and it's cleaned me out. Hopefully my babysitting jobs will pay well though. I'm knitting little child slankets as we speak. I plan to feed them fishermans friend and let them watch Seinfeld. That's what kids like right?

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 10:00:39

But obviously we should be encouraging excessive washing, or it's back to Plan A, ie Gizz.

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 10:05:03

25bucks you have skillz! You would definitely survive the Zombie Apocalypse. I think a lot of people on MN would burst into tears if you asked them to darn a sock.

Also, you have a very caring approach to childrearing.

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 10:08:05

PS did the bagel clean you out financially or was it bowel related? I think thigh would like to know.

25bucksandacracker Sun 12-May-19 10:18:10

Bowels and pockets simultaneously. It was a low point of my 30s tbh

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 10:20:45

We might have to start inventing problems, or overthink something that isn't a problem.

Fuckboy is away for the weekend, would I be unreasonable to order a skip before he gets back? He has a lot of clutter.

25bucksandacracker Sun 12-May-19 10:23:08

I have so many problems. I can't find a boyfriend (not even a crap one) and I want to procure a baby and also my house is a disgusting mess that I cba to clean up. Tips?

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 10:25:41

Order a skip. Check out the skip chap. Does he look muscular and fertile? Job done.

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 10:30:51

Someone was asking for chap- meeting tips on another thread, and lots of people suggesting joining a walking group. Also, if you have the slightest interest in motorbikes or cars, meeting men at rallies is like shooting fish in a barrel.

DanglyTassles Sun 12-May-19 10:39:59

I'm back in uniform for the new thread! Thanks for the link thislido .

I have a problem, as directed by Thigh I just went to look for Jennifer1983's thread about someone throwing water on her parking space or some-such, and I can only find a thread called 'Thigh Rash' about a rash she has around her knicker line.

So my query is was thigh just being naughty or am I crap at advanced searching? (Either is fine!)

WaxaCuntee Sun 12-May-19 10:47:52

About dispute with neighbours http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amii_being_unreasonable/3583629-About-dispute-with-neighbours

There you go DT. I haven't read much of it but it seems to be that the woman has lost her mind and doesn't want any water on her waterproof car or something.

WaxaCuntee Sun 12-May-19 10:49:06

Can't Naked just get on with the apocalypse and we won't need to make money as we will have control of all the ASDAs ?

DanglyTassles Sun 12-May-19 11:07:58

Thank you wax ... well that was all very odd. Someone asked her about her thigh rash in the middle of it all and she said it went quite quickly. grin

Poor jennifer obviously hasn't anything much to complain about, she'd have a field day in here! She's a real life Pineapple!

thislido Sun 12-May-19 11:21:35

How old are you, 25?

DogHairEverywhere Sun 12-May-19 11:59:19

Morning Thisters!
I think Wax has hit upon the crux of the matter, we are wasting our energy thinking of money making schemes. When the ZA has annihilated most of mankind, (leave the dogs), we would have no need of money. Perhaps Naked could crack on. Is there anything we could do to help. I could make some sparkly pom-poms to do a sort of unpleasant cheerleading dance. Well, i say dance, it would be more moving my fat from one side of the sofa to the other, luckily it would all be hidden by my slanket.

Karmin Sun 12-May-19 12:18:36

How can I convince my almost 3yr old ds he needs to sleep? He is the Duracell bunny until he crashes at 9:30, regardless of which room he is in and if we are in there with him. He will scream, jump, sing and climb until his off switch kicks in...

Karmin Sun 12-May-19 12:19:38

Doesn't nap in the day, eats ok, possible autism the HV has referred to paed

ProjectGainsborough Sun 12-May-19 12:26:57

Um. I want to help you Karmin, I really do, but the Dark Lord didn’t sleep for the first few years of his life. One day (well after I’d finally lost my mind) he just decided he needed sleep and that was it. Until then, have you tried drinking?

DanglyTassles Sun 12-May-19 12:30:39

Karmin that's easy just live for 9.30 pm every day!

Plan all of the wonderful things you could do at 9.30 and look forward to snacking and lying down in peace. It totally doesn't matter if you just crash out asleep at that time, at least you had a dream to live for!

thislido Sun 12-May-19 12:32:15

And some kind of large holding pen, since it sounds like he entertains himself? Or a relatively busy fenced playground - if it's busy it will less obvious that you've just left him there for a few hours.

DanglyTassles Sun 12-May-19 12:33:17

Dog for the cause of supporting the ZA I am also willing to roll round the sofa in my slanket a few times!

I haven't got any pom poms but will crayon some!

DanglyTassles Sun 12-May-19 12:36:02

Also Karmin , we have someone on here who likes to babysit! She is called 25

Engage her services and then go on the razz until you can't see anything anymore!

Come to think of it you may need to book her for all night and the next day too. Or move her in!

Karmin Sun 12-May-19 12:44:56

Sounds like a plan thanks all!!

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 13:10:13

Karmin is your son on crack (no judgement)? If he is, get him on to something more mellow like weed.

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 13:23:57

Oh that neighbour dispute thread is wonderful - someone did some sleuthing and found one where her neighbour was complaining about her!! It's the little things that make me happy.

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 13:25:53

Where in the fuck is Naked? We are waiting patiently for our Zombie Apocalypse - plus our bombs and weapons and weaponised piss bombs.

ArchiCleverBaldCunt Sun 12-May-19 13:34:55

Karmin just ignore him completely, like you've never had a child. He'll bring himself up. That's what I did with my dc and they're a real credit to me now - all four of them have responsible jobs with the travelling fair. Dd is actually in charge of the bit where you try to win goldfish. I'm so proud.

ArchiCleverBaldCunt Sun 12-May-19 13:36:59

I would like to divert briefly back to the last thread and to the mention of prostate massage. Have any of us actually done this? Other than in an attempt to torture I mean

Frith2013 Sun 12-May-19 13:40:48

How can I make my DC1 get up? He’s been asleep since 11pm last night. First GCSE tomorrow.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 13:52:06

Well, best he’s well-rested for the exam. Perhaps he’s nervous about it and blocking it out with sleep. What do you want him to do when he gets up?

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 13:54:04

Waft a bacon sandwich under his nose.

WaxaCuntee Sun 12-May-19 13:56:53

Frith - Tell him to stay in bed all day because none of it matters anyway particularly if Naked gets the ZA started. But if you insist and you really want him to get up just get a gun, shoot it at the floor and say 'time to get up little frith'
He will then get up.

DanglyTassles Sun 12-May-19 13:57:54

Thigh I'm fed up with waiting for the ZA! I've been poised with my semi-automatic piss bomb for days now!

<runs back to neighbour thread to find link to other neighbour thread>

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 17:02:43

DT I'm in such a state of poised readiness for the ZA that I'm exhausted and in desperate need of a pre-dinner nap.

For dinner I bought some McCains jacket potatoes - they really don't look any different to potatoes so I've got high hopes that there's something secretly delicious about them to explain them being in a box.

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 17:19:13

And it has the "willy willy willy" thread embedded in it. The neighbour dispute is such a joy!

DanglyTassles Sun 12-May-19 17:29:23

<puts shopping down and shouts 'willy willy willy' as you do>

Nowaypast Sun 12-May-19 18:00:31

I'm going to spend some time thinking of perfectly reasonable things my neighbour has done. And then ring the police about them.

Nowaypast Sun 12-May-19 18:02:49

On a serious note - a very very serious note, and I demand immediate sympathy and advice, I am starting a new job next week. This will come as a big shock to the system, and will eat into mini roll eating/gin drinking/slanket pissing/staying in bed time. How will I cope?

Nowaypast Sun 12-May-19 18:04:25

Also my hair is falling out which I think is due to shock at the thought of imminent hard work sad

Nowaypast Sun 12-May-19 18:08:06

And finally (well not really finally, I have loads more moans up my sleeve) there are greenfly on my roses. shock. I'm not bothered too much by the actual greenfly - what's properly bothering me is the fact I've noticed them.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 18:31:31

You need some aphids. Perhaps the scientists can supply some.

My advice is to wear something with pockets so you can smuggle mini rolls into the toilet and eat them there.

I've got to leave the house to go to a fucking meeting tomorrow which might result in work. I need the money but I really can't be arsed. The lottery got my hopes up with an email yesterday but it was only 3 quid. Probs not even enough for a McCains thing. I'm sceptical, Thigh, they've fucked with chips, do they want to take our potatoes from us too?

thislido Sun 12-May-19 18:32:10

Keep your hair, no, then you can make a wig if it all falls out.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 18:32:31

Have you accidentally had some chemotherapy?

MinnieMountain Sun 12-May-19 18:37:30

How do I deal with the perimenopause starting when I'm 40?

MinnieMountain Sun 12-May-19 18:39:31

Nowaypast buy ladybird larvae. Ours from last year hibernated so we have a colony now.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 18:42:15

Minnie cheerfully? Might as well get it over and done with? Any particular symptoms?

MinnieMountain Sun 12-May-19 18:47:12

I shall be cheerful. And laugh at the irony that DH got the snip 3 months ago.
Hot flushes and night sweats. And periods being 2.5 days instead of 5-6.

DanglyTassles Sun 12-May-19 19:08:19

Oh bugger, Thigh I mentioned the ZA and piss bombs on the neighbours thread and someone is questioning what I'm on about!!

I just can't think of the words to explain ...

thislido Sun 12-May-19 19:47:14

Some of the other thisters will probably have better advice than me as they have accumulated more years of wisdom. I'm just behind you in terms of age... The night sweats and hot flushes people have told me about sound like they really have to be experienced to be understood. The periods sound like a positive. And it sounds like you've finished having kids which is good? Maybe your body is just trolling your husband post-snip and it will go back to normal shortly.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 19:47:55

thisters! Come and help the sweaty lady who's landed!

DanglyTassles Sun 12-May-19 20:08:06

Oh hello Minnie welcome!

I've had a few hot sweats myself, but I just use them for heating sometimes when it's cold, not so fun in the summer but never mind! it sounds like you are winning in the period lottery so that's a good thing.

Also, just think, with starting young, all this will be over while your still a young bairn!

thislido Sun 12-May-19 20:15:10

If you settle here in Thighland you’ll be able to spend the summer in a hospital gown or muumuu, it’s our summer uniform. Perhaps the hospital gown for maximum arse and back coolage?

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 20:31:26

Oh don't worry about the perimenopause - who gives a fuck unless you're 20 which you're not. All the money that you save on sanpro you can use to sort out those roses.

My main advice is too keep your arse uncovered at all times for temperature control.

Now - the roses - get a spray bottle and put a little bit of fairy liquid in the bottom and spray the roses.

Nowaypast Sun 12-May-19 20:31:27

Oh this how dreadfully cruel of the lotto people to raise your hopes like that. £3 wouldn't even buy you a gin. It's shockingly thoughtless of them. Is is absolutely necessary for you to leave the house for your meeting? No chance of conducting it from your bed?

Minnie my advice re the perimenopause would be to think how much worse the actual menopause will be. You'll sail through.

I thought greenfly were aphids. Where do you buy ladybird larvae from? Could I just collect a few ladybirds when I'm out and about and, um, and what? Unleash them on the roses?

I don't think I've had unwitting chemotherapy. Unless the dc have been administering it to me via gin on their visits home from the fair.

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 20:33:44

No colour your bald pate in with a sharpie. Have you still got a full set of bum tips? If you use "Nubian Queen" I think that translates to chestnut brown on the head.

Why are you getting a new job - is it on purpose? Are you doing it to be cool and fit in with the yummy mummies or will you starve without it?

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 20:34:47

DT on the neighbour dispute thread I told you to come home and here you are! You did what I said before I even thought about it. How's that for thynchronicity?

Nowaypast Sun 12-May-19 20:35:37

Is it possible to be perimenopausal whilst going through the menopause? How else to explain why I'm in floods of tears watching The Durrells?

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 20:35:59

We still haven't decided on Summer uniforms - I'm leaning towards hospital gowns - agreed? I'll thieve some XXXLs at some stage.

justdog Sun 12-May-19 20:36:37

Aha! I have found you! Hurrah!

Many mentions of other thighlands wanting to borrow babyjust... for a small fee I am willing to rent her out, all proceeds going towards her nursery fees gallons of wine I can drink to try and forget my miserable existence...

I am still alive, despite the misfortunes of yesterday. I did consider the excellent advice I was given to chop my leg off and get a mobility scooter, but I decided that was the cowards way out, so I limped valiantly about my day...

Babyjust was on top form today. We had to go and do subterfuge washing at the mothership's house (she does not believe in using a washing machine in the daytime, and she was out all day) and had to lurk about waiting for it to finish, looking for all the world like ne'er do wells... pretty sure neighbourhood watch was onto us. Anyway, we went for a lovely walk, and people stopped to congratulate me on my delightful and adorable toddler who was blowing kisses and waving bye bye to all and sundry... until someone said that she was 'just delicious!', which got me thinking.... you all know where I am going with this train of thought...

Anyhoo, we got the washing, I have managed to resist eating her thus far this evening, however we did forage for some giant pine cones to snack on, along with some ants. Excellent.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 20:36:56

Oh yes, of course they are. My mind went to The Bad Tempered Ladybird and somehow got distracted.

How awful is the actual menopause?

Thigh have you tested the potatoes yet?

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 20:37:17

No you're probably crying because you don't have any feta and olives, that's natural. Since you're at the TV what is on at 9pm tonight on shit channels - got no extra channels here.

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 20:37:55

Welcome minnie I don't think pregnancy is out of the question during perimenopause, so the snip is a good idea regardless! Worth a trip to GP though in case the symptoms relate to something else.

If you feel angry and/or homicidal thighland is a good outlet for your angst. We are making plans for a zombie apocalypse at the moment, so that's something to look forward to ;-)

justdog Sun 12-May-19 20:38:47

Also, can I vote for the muumuu for the summer uniform? They look so airy and spacious and comfortable? Plus I had the misfortune of having to try and don a hospital gown recently, it's far too much hassle!!! Like a cats cradle with ties and bits and crossovers... muumuu for the win?

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 20:44:50

I'm fine with muumuus too - I just want to make sure my arse is open to the elements. Not for bumsex but for temperature adjustment.

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 20:46:14

thigh there is Louis Theroux on post partum psychosis, or The Durrells, or The Girl on the Train. Happy viewing!

justdog Sun 12-May-19 20:47:24

May I suggest appointing an official thighland seamstress, who can modify muumuus to incorporate a handy arse flap for such things? Or would that be too much like hard work...

Nowaypast Sun 12-May-19 20:47:27

thigh my eyes are too shit to identify the bald patches on my own, and I'm reluctant to draw attention to them by asking for help. I think I may just have to make sure I never turn my back on anyone - I can probably get away with it from the front.

New job is purely for financial reasons - even though the pay is shit. How were the boxed potatoes?

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 20:49:19

I am finding the peri/menopause delightful - I was already dreaming of homicide and now I can used leftover sanpro as draught excluders - draft/draught?

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 20:52:58

The boxed potatoes are actually delicious. How they differ from simply potatoes I'm not sure - I guess they're in a box. I added butter, cheese, ham and tomatoes so let's face it - cardboard would taste good. I'm washing it all down with energy giving salted caramel cake. Also I had a 4 hour afternoon nap today so I'm having to take it a bit easy this evening.

DanglyTassles Sun 12-May-19 20:59:55

Well now I must partake of a box of potatoes!!

I must add them to the ASDA order quick! It's coming in the morning and consists of 50% Monster Munch 50% other essentials like wine and chocolate. Dh is on a diet, he subsists on low carb shite and is as miserable as sin. Never mind I can at least cheer him up by balancing his lack of food intake with my own excessive consumption right in front of him!

<feels kind>

Nowaypast Sun 12-May-19 21:04:56

Fuck, I am actually properly sobbing at Louisa and Spiro being doomed to part. It reminds me of me and Gavin, the deputy manager of Thomas Cook circa 1989. I've switched to Absolute Radio now.

Anyway my vote goes to hospital gowns for the summer. Primarily because if we happen to need admitting to hospital for any reason it can be done with minimal effort and no need to change clothes.

TheLoneWolfDies Sun 12-May-19 21:07:57

Can't stop shouting WILLY WILLY WILLY at construction workers, any advice on how to control myself?

DanglyTassles Sun 12-May-19 21:13:12

Hello Wolf I've missed you!!

Well don't stop of course, I've been doing it since I read it was a thing. It's brilliant!!

I'm always going to do it! You try and stop me now!

Nowaypast Sun 12-May-19 21:14:42

Wolf my advice would be don't hold back. I believe construction workers undertake a module in their early training advising them that women often shout WIlly Willy Willy (and variations theteof) at them.

TheLoneWolfDies Sun 12-May-19 21:18:06

Hello Dangly , Ive missed you too, how are you all? Still pissing in slankets I see!

DanglyTassles Sun 12-May-19 21:23:19

Wolf but of course the pissing is never ending, now we know about voluntary incontinence, no need for the annoying trip to the toilet.

We are having a Zombie Apocalypse soon, please stay for it, it will be fun and solve loads of people's problems!

Although it is taking a long time to come around naked hmm

I have a semi-automatic piss bomb for it anyway, you need to get a weapon of choice, what are you good with?

TheLoneWolfDies Sun 12-May-19 21:33:14

Could I just hide in the back while its happening? I still have that priest hole I wonder would mr priest let me move in with him for a few days...

If not I will use a Shuriken made of dicks.

DanglyTassles Sun 12-May-19 21:47:04

Well you could do Wolf but you'd miss out on all the fun and all the snax when we take over the Asdas!

Are you sure you don't want to be on the front line of offence?

I will be right at the coalface with my best machete and some pre-loaded piss and shit bombs! Wouldn't miss it for the world!

Anyway if you do stay in the priest hole I shall remember to come look for you and guide you to Asda when the human race is all but over!

Unless I am a Zombie by then in which case don't let me in!

Nowaypast Sun 12-May-19 21:56:06

I'm still too upset at the thought of Spiro and Louisa being doomed to part (I'd be happy to console him) to concentrate on the ZA. Could we postpone it for a few days until I've got over the worst of it please?

thislido Sun 12-May-19 22:00:54

DT I expect Wolf will want to be a zombie like the rest of us at that stage.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 22:01:25

no did you get any holidays out of him?

Lumene Sun 12-May-19 22:03:20

My husband is rude and grumpy but I still like him. What should I do?

thislido Sun 12-May-19 22:03:51

If it happens now, the ZA I mean, my weapon will be my viscous circle, it’s in period shit mode.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 22:04:45

Welcome Lumene. Is he ride and grumpy to you or does he just embarrass you in from or other people? What is it you like about him?

thislido Sun 12-May-19 22:05:01

rude not ride

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