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To feel so much anger towards a small child?

51 replies

fleabagmonkey · 24/04/2019 11:08

Yesterday my 5 yo DS was injured by his best friend, they were playing nicely together then his best friend had an idea to do something dangerous, I said not to do it but his friend pushed him resulting in my DS falling and injuring himself. The injuries were serious enough to need an A&E visit. I know that both my son and his best friend are only 5 years old and his best friend would not have meant to hurt my son but every time I look at my son and see his injuries I feel so much rage towards his friend and I feel guilty. I don't want my son near his friend at the moment but I realise that this is punishing my son (and myself as I am close with the other child's parents) but maybe this is what I need to do to keep my child safe? The other child is very bossy and has always had a bit of a spiteful side but they have grown up together and love each other like brothers. I feel like I have let my child down.

I am sorry for that ramble, I just feel so sad and angry at the moment.

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HoraceCope · 24/04/2019 11:09

It happens, it happens with siblings too. You will get over it op.

gamerwidow · 24/04/2019 11:14

It’s hard when your child has been hurt. My DD had a falling out with her friend recently had cried her eyes out and I was furious with her friend. I thought ‘How dare she do this to my child!’. Fortunately I kept these feelings to myself and didn’t let them show because I knew it wasn’t a sensible way to think and they’re best friends again now. It’s a natural response but it passes and you’ll feel fine about this child soon.

MargoLovebutter · 24/04/2019 11:16

What sort of injuries are we talking about here?

Why did both children completely ignore you, if you told them not to do this dangerous thing?

drspouse · 24/04/2019 11:22

It is hard; our DS injured our DD but he was just doing something normal (closing a door, he didn't know her hand was in the hinge) and though she's been to A&E (several times) she will get over it in the end.

I do think at this age they don't understand that something is serious (they don't know what death means, to start with, so they don't understand that an injury is life-threatening, or permanent, or just how painful it is, if that's the case). My DS has form for bolting (he has SEN) and while he does have a natural fear of cars/roads I think it's the physical sensation (noise/speed) rather than any idea they could be life-threatening, and trying to explain that this is the case falls on deaf ears.

fleabagmonkey · 24/04/2019 11:23

They were on the top bunk of a bunk bed, best friend said to jump off (onto wooden floor) I said no, but friend pushed my son hard and he toppled off head first. Needed xrays to check he hadn't damaged anything and now has a swollen face, grazes and two black eyes.

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MynameisJune · 24/04/2019 11:25

If you knew they were contemplating it why didn’t you make them both get down off the bed? 5 year olds have very little/to no impulse control nor any really concept of consequences such as injuries.

You were the adult who knew what they were discussing but didn’t do anything about it.

drspouse · 24/04/2019 11:26

I don't think children this age can distinguish between pushing (slight shove in playground) and pushing (down the stairs/from a height). Have you had a serious word with the friend about the injuries, which are obviously easy to see/dramatic?

I would be merely cross if a friend/one of my DCs told the other one to jump as the jumper is daft too, but pushing is another matter - they should know they shouldn't push, even if they don't know it's more serious to push from a height.

fleabagmonkey · 24/04/2019 11:30

Friend said "let's jump off," I said " No don't" friend pushed. It was a 3 second event (if that). There was no long discussion first so no time to make them come down.

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fleabagmonkey · 24/04/2019 11:31

Friend said "let's jump off," I said " No don't" friend pushed. It was a 3 second event (if that). There was no long discussion first so no time to make them come down.

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fleabagmonkey · 24/04/2019 11:31

Sorry it didn't post first time

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MargoLovebutter · 24/04/2019 11:34

I'm sorry your son had that kind of fall and clearly landed really badly but stuff like this happens with small children and particularly boys.

Obviously, your son's friend shouldn't have pushed your son but they shouldn't have been up there either, which I'm guessing is why you feel guilty.

If your son's friend is more full on and aggressive, then he's going to need more supervision if he comes to play.

Over the years my two have accumulated all sorts of scrapes and injuries - sometimes needing A&E visits and nearly always caused by severe stupidity either on their own part or that of a friend. I just chalked it up to a cool tale to tell. My DS literally dines out on the 15 stitches he ended up needing in his arm from some stupid ball game he and his friends played when he was 11! Obviously, it was about as amusing as drinking cold sick when it happened but it has legendary status now! Make sure you take some photos of his black eyes, so he has evidence to show all his mates when he is older.

drspouse · 24/04/2019 11:34

I completely understand that time frame!

Flyingpie · 24/04/2019 11:35

If this only happened yesterday I'd say you just need time to calm down. These things happen, I'm sure the little boy had no real concept of the consequences. However your protective mothering instincts have kicked in which is only natural.

Give it a couple of days and see how you feel.

HoraceCope · 24/04/2019 11:38

They need supervision and boundaries when they are together. These things happen in all houses op, where there are bunkbeds there are falls

Cuppaand2biscuits · 24/04/2019 11:39

Its totally normal to feel that anger towards a child that has hurt yours.
When my son was little he had a friend who was really rough towards him. Never really in a malicious way, more in an over excited puppy way. Though he did bite and hit my son on several occasions. I often felt anger towards the boy and his mother who never really told him off but always apologized.

fleabagmonkey · 24/04/2019 11:41

Thank you, I expect as the injuries heal so will my feelings towards the best friend! I have watched him grow up since both boys were in the womb so I am sure I will get over it. I just needed to vent I suppose.

I agree that they shouldn't have been up on the top bunk. My son was showing his friend his Hulk and Starwars teddies and they were playing nicely until the sudden suggestion of jumping!

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WorkingItOutAsIGo · 24/04/2019 11:41

The fact the boy pushed your son would give me pause for thought. That’s a deliberate act. I would have a serious talk with the parents and want to see him understanding the dangerous consequences of this before I welcomed him back into my home.

Hecateh · 24/04/2019 11:47

The feelings are fine, acting on them isn't. The feelings should will go away as your son gets better.

Despite there being little you could do about it at the time I suspect your feelings of anger are at least partly to mask the guilt you feel.

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 24/04/2019 11:48

I think your reaction is totally normal, and you know that you’ll “get over it” but at the moment it’s a bit raw!

I always feel anger/frustration when my dc are hurt - whether it’s an accident of their own making, a sibling, friend, daddy not supervising as anally retentively as I would... whatever! It’s some kind of innate reaction to seeing my child hurt.

Heaviestdirtyestsoul · 24/04/2019 11:50

I had this dilemma with my ds1 last year, him and best friend at top of a climbing frame, a good 6 foot up, best friend says let's fly! Ds said no, friend pushed ds and ds ended up in hospital with a broken arm. Watched like a hawk since. Have to put it down to kids being kids, I still don't fully trust friend, but it's something I have to keep to myself and just keep watch.

Fazackerley · 24/04/2019 11:51

but stuff like this happens with small children and particularly boys

Why boys?

thelastgoldeneagle · 24/04/2019 11:53

They need more supervision at that age! I'd have them playing downstairs.

This is just why I don't like bunk beds for any age of dc....
Hope your ds is better soon.

Puffinhead · 24/04/2019 11:56

I agree with @workingitoutasigo, I would talk to the parents. Did the friend even apologise or acknowledge the hurt it caused?

fleabagmonkey · 24/04/2019 11:57

Thank you. I was sorting some stuff on the landing and they were in the bedroom with the door open (that is how I heard exactly what was said and told them not to immediately) I just didn't get there fast enough to catch him. I agree that letting them be on the top bunk was stupid of me though.

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Drogosnextwife · 24/04/2019 11:57

I am in exactly the same position with a friend and her son, except my child hasn't been seriously hurt yet but it will happen eventually at school. Not sure how to handle the situation tbh, my DS has definitely pulled himself away from the other child and I have mentioned it to the teacher at parents evening that it's make my DS unhappy, not much they can do though. I am just waiting for the day the school phone to tell me something has happened.

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