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Need to pull myself together for the children

(657 Posts)
Simonfromharlow Sat 20-Apr-19 13:55:38

My husband left me 10 days ago. I feel so down. I'm being a shit mum to my kids as I can't pull myself together. This is so hard. I don't know how to cope.

FiremanKing Sat 20-Apr-19 13:56:20

How old are your children.

I know it sounds trite but things will get better.

weekfour Sat 20-Apr-19 13:56:58

I'm sorry this is happening to you. How old are the children? Are they fed and clean?

99calmbeforethestorm Sat 20-Apr-19 13:58:02

Is your ex pulling his weight with the children? Or has he just fucked off and decided to leave it all to you? Have you told friends and family so you can get their support?

Simonfromharlow Sat 20-Apr-19 13:58:42

They are 2 and 7. Yes they are fed and clean. I'm managing the basics but anything past that is just too much. I just want to lay in my bed.

Simonfromharlow Sat 20-Apr-19 13:59:44

He is still here until Tuesday but has been pretty absent. When he's here he does take over.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax Sat 20-Apr-19 13:59:50

Focus on one thing at a time

Get help from anyone you feel comfortable asking with the kids

You’re going to understandably upset, angry and grieving, give yourself a break this is normal

Simonfromharlow Sat 20-Apr-19 14:00:19

Yes friends and family know but obviously can't be here all the time. I feel so sad and lonely.

PH03b3 Sat 20-Apr-19 14:00:51

Without wanting to patronise you - that's all that matters? Let the 7yr old play with the 2yr old tell them it's a special 'job' for them and allow yourself the mind space you need. You can do this!

Simonfromharlow Sat 20-Apr-19 14:02:22

The kids are being amazing bless them. I can't stop going inside my head. Over thinking.

namechangedbutneedadvice Sat 20-Apr-19 14:03:32

I've been there and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Know that you are doing your best and cut yourself some MAJOR slack. Zero fucks dinners in front of the TV. Rope in family and friends to help out if this is a possibility. Sweet coffee if you're struggling to eat and/or sleep.

It's an awful feeling gnawing at your insides but know that this is not forever. You'll get back to a new normal and won't be a shit mum forever.

Everything aside, I've been there and I'm so sorry. It's shit and empty and terrifying. Just remember that you are enough and adored by your DCs. You will rise above...

Simonfromharlow Sat 20-Apr-19 14:05:24

What makes it worse is he seems totally happy with his decision.

weekfour Sat 20-Apr-19 14:05:43

If he's still there, is he off work for the bank holidays?

If he is, then I would book yourself into a hotel overnight. Go and be quiet and anonymous.

Have a break from parenting. 7 and 2 are tough and demanding. If you remove yourself from the situation you can get some rest and have time to think and plan clearly. Take a note book with you because it's amazing what tasks you'll remember need doing when you have two minutes to yourself.

You'll return in a better place with more focus to get through what you've got to get through.

Simonfromharlow Sat 20-Apr-19 14:06:06

Thanks for all your advice! Finding it so hard to open up to people

Simonfromharlow Sat 20-Apr-19 14:06:52

He has gone to stay with family today so isn't around.

Simonfromharlow Sat 20-Apr-19 14:22:59

I can't see myself ever feeling better. I hate feeling like this.

weekfour Sat 20-Apr-19 14:35:19

It'll start to feel easier eventually. Do you have a plan? Or is the plan at the moment just that he's going and leaving you with the devastation? You can probably tell that I'm a planner.... I feel better when I feel in control.

Simonfromharlow Sat 20-Apr-19 14:39:51

I don't really have a plan. I feel like I can't start to think until he's really gone and moved out.

I do normally like a plan but my brain won't work

weekfour Sat 20-Apr-19 16:52:31

Ok. I think that's probably understandable. It sounds like you didn't see it coming?

PoliticalBiscuit Sat 20-Apr-19 16:58:07

Accept all help, ask for all help. Take what you can. Wallow as much as you can. You can pull up your bootstraps in May.

Dont kick yourself for feeling crappy, it's a terrible thing that's happening. You dont have to ask yourself how you will get through it, just know that you will and that it's only early days flowers

mummmy2017 Sat 20-Apr-19 17:01:43

Honey, do not let him play you like this ..
You are strong, you can do this.
Make some lists ..
Do you have money?
Can you drive?

Simonfromharlow Sat 20-Apr-19 21:30:30

I have money and can't drive but I can get out and about.

No I didn't see it coming at all.

Simonfromharlow Sat 20-Apr-19 21:30:55

May sounds doable

Isadora2007 Sat 20-Apr-19 21:39:20

When he is there- go out. Get some space for you and some time. Don’t tell him where you go, even if it’s just to go and read a crap magazine in your car with a McFlurry or whatever. Just begin to see there is Alice for you and you CAN do this.
When my first husband left, my kids were 4 and 7. I let them sleep in my bed and we watched dvds I bed at night. Once they were asleep I’d watch a box set to avoid thinking (overthinking). Set yourself a rule NEVER to text him when you’re emotional. Don’t beg and don’t play the “pick me” game where you offer to change or do stuff to keep him. You CAN survive this and you WILL get through it stronger. You at worthy of a man who loves and cherishes you. My wonderful second husband came along a year and a half after my exH left and I couldn’t be happier 14 years down the line. But I do remember that awful feeling of the early days post separation.
cakebrew for you. You’ve got this.

Simonfromharlow Sat 20-Apr-19 21:47:33

Thanks @Isadora2007

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