Dd11 self harmed last night

[Howmanysleepstilchristmas]

I’m lost as to what to do. I work in mental health (adult). I’ve spoken to her, offered alternative coping strategies, praised her honesty, outlined risks. She talks to me about everything, but didn’t mention this until ds13 noticed. I’ve told my dh and her dad (she knows and is ok with this) and will let school know. What next?
She says she did it because she was upset at being told off (messy room) and has a friend who does it who says it helps.

[SunnySideUpX]

Can you support her to the GP and get a referral to CAMHS?

Really sorry you're going through this

[SunnySideUpX]

Can you make a self soothe box with her? Full of her favourite smell (perfume sprayed onto cloth?), an adult colouring book and nice pens, an object that grounds her and feels comforting (a shell from a beach she likes?), a photo of someone/something she loves, a book, a puzzle, etc.

Just something she can open when she wants to self harm and that can soothe her and act as a distraction.

[Howmanysleepstilchristmas]

I don’t know. It feels like a one off: her friend said it helps, it didn’t. I don’t know if I want to medicalise it. I don’t want to cast her in the role of patient, I want her to be in control.
Am I in denial?
I don’t know. I used to dsh aged 18, but that felt very different: I was telling myself that if things get bad, I could end it, nothing could hurt me. Dd was shocked to know she could do actual harm (fainted at the thought of wound infection) and had just thought it might make her feel better... but it didn’t. I’m not sure if it’s a mh issue... professionally I think not... unless I’m in denial?

[Amber0685]

What would you say if you encountered this at work?

[Howmanysleepstilchristmas]

Pretty much what I’ve said to dd. The worst thing would be to take control away from her or over medicalise things (as long as she’s safe, which she is).
But it’s much harder as a parent to avoid trying to “fix” things. Which I guess says more about me than her.
That was a really useful way to look at things by the way. Thanks

[BatFace1]

Who's the friend? I'd be putting the brakes on that friendship and making sure the other girls parents were fully aware. She's what, year 6? I'd be concerned as to why this was on her radar.

[feelingsinister]

It sounds like you've done everything right so far. It could be that she's tried it and won't do it again.

Don't panic about it, stay calm and reassure her. She has the info she needs about wound care and you've talked about alternatives to self harm so maybe leave it there for now.

[Howmanysleepstilchristmas]

She’s y7 so less contact with other parents than in primary. The friend is a friend of her best friend rather than a close friend.

[Dramatical]

I took mine straight to the GP, literally straight there when I saw she had cut her arm. GP was fabulous and very quickly discounted any mental health issues and could see it was just a copy cat thing. DD has neve4 done it since, and that was maybe 5 years ago.

[Howmanysleepstilchristmas]

Apparently the other girls mum knows (according to dd). Dd says the girl has a lot of problems at home, and dd only found out how bad things are for the friend today. Dd seems quite sheepish about this now.

[Howmanysleepstilchristmas]

@dramatical that’s good to know.

[myexisanasshole]

When my parents found out I was doing it they matched me to the GP! They just have me antidepressants and sent me on my way! What really helped (and I know it's not cheap) was hypnotherapy, after a year I stopped doing it. One thing I will say though is that where I live some girls get into groups and do it for 'fun' so it maybe that. Whatever it is I'd advise just letting her know you are there for her and asking her what she thinks she needs xx

[MumUnderTheMoon]

When I was younger I too tried it once to see if it would help. It didn't. I never did it again. I think you have done all the right things. Perhaps a wait and see approach would be ok? If she does it again obviously involve school and camhs but could drawing too much attention make it appealing? I think that you probably know best given your profession and that you know and love her.

[Springisallaround]

I don't think you can know at this stage whether it's a one off or part of a longer term coping mechanism but you sound very sensible and it's great that your dd can talk with you. I don't think, also, that CAHMS would be remotely interested in a child with no other obvious symptoms and a one-off event, it's impossible to get on a waiting list around here with much more severe issues. Keep an eye, and perhaps have a chat with the school and ask them to keep an eye/if they have any counselling if it's available (again, extremely limited resources where we live).

Secondary school is the age that this tends to appear, I know a lot of children who have done this, talking with friends about their children. That doesn't mean though that this is a one off, I know that feeling you hope it will be but it may not and it's important to keep talking whatever.

[gluteustothemaximus]

To me it sounds copy cat. She tried it to see if it helped, which it shouldn't unless there are much worse problems/issues.

I self harmed and it did help. But I was massively fucked up and cutting was a release.

It sounds like your daughter is happy and was trying it out because her friend said it helped. Would be worried about that friendship tbh.

[Luella29]

My dd has done this and from what I gather, it is very common these days. I had never heard of it in my generation although I'm sure it went on, it was just alot less known.

We got referred to CAMHS, but so far have only had an initial meeting booked to decide whether she can then go on a other waiting list for counselling. It's worth getting on the waiting list anyway as it takes so long. If it turns out to be a one off then you can cancel but its probably too early to say.


I've noticed that DD becomes very low over the smallest things so I suspect she could do it again. I've made her feel I've taken it seriously as well by talking about it, referring to CAMHS and spending more time with her (she felt we weren't) which for now at least has helped.


As a parent it's really hard to understand. It's also well known to become a copy cat thing.


I think I read up thread about keeping your DD away from the child doing this. That's a very difficult thing to do in secondary school anyway, but another parent did this to my DD. She confided in her friend that she had SH and the mum told her dd to start ignoring my dd in a bid to keep her away and wouldn't let them speak on the phone.She also elaborated a load of other stuff and reported it all to the head of year. The result was a horrendous fortnight with dd ousted from her group of friends and us trying to pick up an already fragile teenager. It just made everything worse. I do understand this reaction but please do remember there is another fragile child on the other end of this treatment. You can't stop them mixing in school, by all means control contact outside of school but please don't tell your child to ignore their friend without an explanation. It just added to a very stressful situation. I see why the mum felt the way she did but there were much kinder ways of dealing with it.


Lastly, don't feel bad about this. Believe me, if this can happen to us, it can happen to anyone. There is no plausible reason for it. I've spoken to a few people in RL and felt very judged. My parenting has been commented on and scrutinised by people I confided in as a way of finding a reason. I'm just telling you in case you feel the need to confide in real life. I now keep schtum and 'talk' on here. If you look up my name you'll see a recent thread about this.

[SunnySideUpX]

From what you've said it could be a case of peer pressure, copying, etc. But CAMHS often takes so long to get the referral in and to be seen, that it may be worth it as a fall back option, just in case?

Also, if she has copied her friend, maybe a self help, self esteem book may be useful? In case she has done this to fit in?

Maybe she was experimenting and wont do it again. Hopefully that's the case!

[TheFirstOHN]

You are already doing all the right things.
From what you say, she would be unlikely to meet the threshold for CAMHS support.

[Howmanysleepstilchristmas]

I wouldn’t dream of telling her to avoid the friend. Dd is a very caring and sensible girl whose friends tend to confide in her and if it gets too much she usually comes to me with their problems so we can point them in the right direction/ let school know. She didn’t this time because the other girls mum and school are already aware and the girl feels supported by them and friends.

[SosigDog]

Where did she do it? I can only speak from personal experience, but harming in a very visible place is often a cry for help, sort of a “look how upset I am”. It’s intended to be seen. Whereas a less visible place tends to be done for yourself and for the sensation and relief.

[amusedbush]

Anything but what my mum did when I was 15, which was to tell me that I was being ridiculous and to "just stop it". When I went to the GP and was prescribed anti depressants my mum made an appointment to see him without me and told him that I brought it all on myself, and that I did nothing to help myself by moping around the place.

You sound like a lovely mum and everything you've done sounds fine.

[dangermouseisace]

She did it because a friend finds it helpful It doesn’t really sound like a CAMHS referral is necessary. I used to SH but it was part of a bundle of self destructive behaviour.

I’d be having a chat about more positive ways to show that you are upset, and saying it’s ok to be upset. Like coming to you and saying “I’m upset that you asked me to tidy my room” and that although it wouldn’t change the fact she’d have to tidy it, discussion and annoyance is perfectly ok.

I’d suggest that maybe her friend is unable to express how she feels and although she finds what she does helpful short term it is not going to help her long term. And I’d bring that up with school as it’s not ok for your DDs friend to be discussing self harm with her.

From what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like it’s an actual issue but I’d keep an eye and ask her to tell you if she feels like doing it again.

Self soothe boxes are great BTW!

[Passmethewineandstraw]

NC’d for this for obvious reasons but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone...

Without railroading your post we have had a few incidents with our beautiful 12 year old who is also in year 7...

We are a month on from the last time and hoping out the other end but I said that the first time and really trying to not be complacent.

In our situation we were naive to how much she would be exposed to in her 1st 6 months of high school and that paired by us being the cool parents who bought her an iPhone for starting high school with and letting her have all the tween apps, which I’m utterly ashamed off resulted in her being exposed to and hearing things she just didn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with.

We actually found out from another parent who had seen via her daughters phone quite a shocking video she had made on Tic Toc

We said attention, and waved around that card for a while like it was the lesser evil and obviously a passing phase but the 2nd, 3rd time round you become to realise attention doesn’t make it any less serious or dangerous and we have felt at times completely out of our depths.

I still don’t really know what to do for the best, the school wanted to arrange a charity who would come in and speak to the children but at the time I thought it would just add fuel to the fire and give her some kind of weird, edgy, status.

This last time we were so close to taking her to the GP as attention or not it had escalated as there was blood and I really felt we needed some professional advice.

Please message me if you’d like to talk further, I know I could do with the support.

[INeedNewShoes]

I agree with you OP that it may be unhelpful to get medical help after what is currently a one off incidence.

Three of my friends self-harmed when I was 13. The day I found out, curiousity got the better of me so I cut my own arms to see if it would dull the mental pain of being a teenager (I had issues at home and school). I realised straight away that self-harming was horrible and not for me and never did it again.

I told a teacher at school about my friends' self-harming and all of them were looked after and referred for help. Thankfully they all got over the habit (not to belittle self harming but for these girls I think it had become habit) within a few months.

[BadPennyNoBiscuit]

I think your DD needs to learn assertiveness and better boundaries. She isn't the best person to be the listening ear for all the groups troubles, she is not mature enough to handle that or make sensible decisions.

Take her for some CBT and buy her some books on assertiveness. She is taking on everyone else before she has developed her own personality.