Is this normal?

[MargaretOfAnjou]

Friend 1 (known 6 yrs) : I have seen this friend a grand total of once,since Halloween 18. Saw her Halloween and then again on 29th Dec ,both times at my home where I invited her and laid everything on. 1 WhatsApp msg from her end of Jan just 'catching up' she lives 22 mins away, is a single parent and works 15hrs pw with 1 teenage DC. Has great extended family support network around her daily that also facilitates nights out and social engagements etc.

Friend 2 ( known. 7 yrs) : Calls me up and sees me when she is going through drama ( minor, my Dc didn't get into my first choice sch , you are religious and go to church so really friendly with the priest ,how do I blag fix this.... and btw my back really hurts , can you pick me up..,, and my coil has to be replaced type issues ) and then disappears for months until next issue. Last time I saw this friend was May 18. During which time I have had paternal bereavement , family MH issues ( not mine) & separation to name a few . All of which I have had to cope alone. All fairly high up on the stress scale. I reached out to her but she has been so very busy she hasn't not been able to see me. Not seen her for dust! Again, works 10 hrs pw and 2 teenage kids and is happily married with great extended family support around her, facilitating her choices. While I have been coping she has been hosting dinners and attending coffee mornings, with those who by her own admission are ' fake' and ' fair weather' .

Both appear to have lots of free time as it's all over FB. Meeting friends, beauty treatments, coffee mornings and lunches with other friends. Am I expecting too much from people? Is this normal for friendships these days?

Or, It's just me they use ? Am I only just now waking up and smelling coffee or am I being precious and unfair to them?

You should really see
your friends, when they live locally, at least more than once in 5 months in case of friend 1 and again more than once in 12 months with friend 2 surely?

[MargaretOfAnjou]

Anyone?

[7circlemats]

I'd find some better friends I think

[BackforGood]

Depends.
If they have lots of friends, and family around, then maybe they are just friendly to everyone and aren't relying on you for friendship, in the same way you are relying on them ?
I have friends, that I would consider good friends, that I might not see for months - or even years - on end sometimes.
I also have people I am "friendly with", that if they messaged me or arranged something I fancied, and I was free, I might go, but that wouldn't necessarily turn to them when I was arranging a night out - maybe you are in that category?

[MargaretOfAnjou]

@BackforGood thank you for your reply. Yes, I think I must be in that category.

I have never categorised my friends before. People are people and and love them and I am there for them. I see now that I may be in a category. I appear to be in a category that is quite low.

I see now that I don't have to accept my low status as I am a good person with lots to give.. I'll take my low category status elsewhere and find people who value me. I understand now and see where I fit in the categories.

Thank you for helping me to understand this. .

[LookImAHooman]

Friend 1 sounds like they’re happy to be actual friends with you, just not as close friends as you seem to expect they should for some reason. Most people have friends they’re closer to than others. It’s not arrogant ‘categorising’ deliberately, it’s just life and people. Natural.

I’d ditch Friend 2. That one does sound like a user.

[MargaretOfAnjou]

@Look I have ditched friend 2. Feel better now in my decision.

Friend 1 is a dear friend but I guess she does not see me as much of a friend as i see her. I have to accept that and lower my expectations.

[BackforGood]

I don't think you need to get fixated on the word 'category'. That makes you sound quite odd.
Surely everyone has some people they are closer to than others ?
It doesn't mean you need to 'ditch' anyone.

I suspect the reason they have more friends is the fact they don't analyse everything, and they just accept that you can be friendly with lots of people. Friends shouldn't have to pass any sort of 'test' as to if they are 'giving you enough'.
As I say, I have people I would count as friends, that I might only see once every couple of years. Obviously they aren't the friends I would necessarily turn to if I wanted a night out. However, there might be others that - for whatever combination of circumstances - I would ring first if I fancied going to something with a mate, but that I wouldn't necessarily pour my heart out to if I had real concerns about something. However, I wouldn't 'ditch' anyone for not ticking every box a friend might tick, I just accept them for the relationship we have, and have different friends to do different things with at different times.

[Witchend]

It's just different ways of being friends.

I have some friends that we might not see each other for a year, but when we do it's like we've never been apart.

I have other friends for whom they'll message me saying "I'm terrified of my dentist appointment" or "Can't find the letter from school-can you photocopy yours".


I don't see either as a better/worse friendship. To me what matters is that either will be there for me when I need them, and I would be there for them if they needed me.

[MargaretOfAnjou]

Sadly I don't have many groups of friends. Just these two in fact. I relocated yrs ago. I made the effort to travel to see my old friends frequently but they did not ever make the effort to travel to see me so I eventually gave up in the end, too expensive and time consuming.

I put all my energies into local friendships, looks like my local friendships don't view me as I view them. Friend 2 is a user and I have felt it for a long while. I guess I accepted it as her friendship crumbs were better than no friendship but actually she used me. I see that now ,so I stand by my decision to ditch her and won't be changing that. There is nothing in that friendship for me, nothing at all.

Friend 1 is nice but as you have remarked I think she does not see me as great a friend as I see her. She has others she's known all her life and I do not . That is probably why I hardly see her. I guess I just have to accept that I will see her 1 or twice a year and be grateful for that. I guess I have to also accept now that if I ever need support it's not available to me and I'll have cope alone as I have . It's just sad to realise that I have supported these 2 , many times, but when I needed it, nothing .

I thought that is what friends were for but I see now these 2 are only three for the good times. I will no longer will be there for them during the bad and at least I won't feel so used. They can turn to their other friends when things are tough, the ones they see all the time when things are good. I clearly thought more of them than they of me, I realise that now and that I was expecting too much. That's why I hardly see them because they only want to see me when it suits them. I get it now.

[CakeNinja]

It really just depends.
I have friends like you’ve described that live in the same TOWN as I do that I see once a year and others that live further away that I see far more often than that.
It’s not like I ‘categorise’ anyone, it’s just I’m closer to some people than others.
It just doesn’t sound like you’re particularly close friends.
There’s a lady (I’d say acquaintance more than a friend) who lives literally in the road behind me that I see roughly once every 18 months or so when that particular group of friends that she’s closer to all meet up. Some of them branch off and do stuff together more often but there’s a bunch of 8 of us that organise something fairy infrequently. She’s lovely, we message each other from time to time (but rarely), we just aren’t on each other’s ‘go to friends’ radar.
I don’t think it particularly sounds like you need to cut either of them off!

[OnlineAlienator]

There'll be as many categories as there are friendships.

I only see my best friend once a year on average and always forget her birthday

[MargaretOfAnjou]

Reading all your replies it strikes me you all have many groups of friends. One of you said that if you wanted a night out you know who to call. I have no one to call. I am actually going out tomorrow night on my own ,to the local pub,a charity event. That last time I went out was 2013. I can't keep waiting for people who are never there! They are busy with their other friends.

I think re my stressful year I may benefit from paying for a councillor. I keep waiting for friends to see me so I can talk but they are not coming are they. This has made me see that I do need to talk to someone to help me through and I have no avail friends to take that place so I'll have to see someone who is paid to talk to me . Very sad that I find myself in this position but at least I won't be waiting twiddling my thumbs!

[BackforGood]

I have lots of different friends, from different places because
a) I go out and do things / chat to people / meet people / accept invitations to try things even if I'm not certain I'll like them (but don't know until I try), and arrange things myself I then ask if anyone esle wants to go to
and
b) I've never "ditched" a friend in my life. It's something I've only ever come across on MN.

I'm not 'intense' with friends, so suspect I don't come across as needy.

I've been out with colleagues, with people from hobbies, with people I've made friends with through things the dc do, with people dh has got to know first, with people I volunteer with. Over the decades, many of them remain just 'people I am friendly with as part of a group', but, statistically, the more people you meet and spend time with, the more likely you are to hit it off with one, or two, or a group of people. Focusing on just 2 people to be friends with, over the course of several years, sounds very intense to me.
I can't comprehend the idea of not having been out anywhere since 2013. Don't you have Christmas 'do' from work even ?