How do you fake confidence?

[TripeAtFourPence]

I'm reading that AIBU thread about quiet people being disliked and it's got me thinking about those of you who are quiet but manage to fake confidence to get along in the world.
Is there some trick to it? And what the hell do you talk about??

For background, I have struggled most of my life with social anxiety and depression and I don't have any friends or a job...or much of a life.

Everything about me from my lack of small talk to my body language is so awkward. Other mums at pick up are so relaxed with eachother and chat happily and most are very friendly and wouldn't mind anyone joining in with there chat but I can't do it.
I find myself avoiding everyone, even though deep down I wish I didn't.
The worst thing is that while these other mums are making friends, they're setting up play dates etc so their children are obviously socialising with eachother so my failures are affecting my DS. It's rubbed of on him too I'm a failure as a mother and I'm letting him down!

Does anyone have any advice on faking confidence and making friends?

[Foslady]

Tits and teeth! In other words big smile and shoulders back, that way you may not feel like you own the world but you still own you

[Charles11]

I’m not confidant but have learnt to fake it. I actually even hate crossing the road at a crossing because I imagine all the drivers in the stopped cars are watching me. No one would guess though.

I always try to feel presentable so shower daily, do my hair, put some tinted bb cream on, bit of light lip gloss. It just makes me feel
A bit more confidant.
I listen to the radio and news so I can take part in conversations.
I make myself say hello and smile at people and just ask a question like ‘how’s it going?’ Or make a comment like ‘back here again!’ Or some crap about the weather like ‘it’s nice to see a bit of sun!’ With a smile. It seems such a mundane and dull thing to say but it works and people start talking.
I’ve learnt how to look interested in people even when I’m not - smile a lot and ask a question or two.

The more you make yourself do it, the better you get at it.

[ShabbyAbby]

I'm not confident but have found that works is persistence. I just keep going back. If you had told me after DC1 that I would ever choose to go to a toddler group, and then speak to people there as well? I would have been shocked honestly. I used to get panic attack's beforehand. Now I can speak to anybody if I need to. Not just at toddler groups either. I do not let myself get intimidated. I think, we are all just people doing our best.

[ShabbyAbby]

Clean teeth, lipstick, a comfy bra and well fitting comfortable shoes help too. Also, soap, nice smelling detergent/fabric softener, deodorant and perfume if you wear it, always makes me feel more confident if I know I smell nice. When I started smoking again it affected my confidence a lot as I knew I smelt bad so kept my distance. Whereas now I know I don't smell like an ashtray anymore my confidence has improved.

[notenoughbottletonight]

Fake it! I always put make up on, do my hair etc If I don't then I'm like a completely different person. Doing this helps with my confidence

[FudgeBrownie2019]

Smiles and questions. Everyone's more confident-looking with a smile and everyone loves talking about themselves/their DC/their dog/their house. Practise it every day, smile at someone new every day, ask one new person a question every day. It takes time to change your habits but it will eventually become easier.

[shaggedthruahedgebackwards]

Think of someone you know and like who is socially confident , imagine how they would behave in the situation and emulate it. 'Play a role' almost

It will gradually become more natural and less like you are playing a part

[DeadWife]

For the Smiles & Questions and the tits & teeth responses. What do you do when you don't like your smile but can't afford to change it? I can do tits and questions though :)

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Smile anyway. Smiles aren't about perfect teeth and Julia Roberts weirdness, they are about friendliness.

[ILiveInSalemsLot]

Are you happy with a ‘half smile’?
It doesn’t have to be a full on smile but just smile a bit so you just look more engaged, relaxed and happy

[Michaelbaubles]

Also remember that the people who come across as socially confident aren’t, necessarily - it’s very possible they’re faking it too! And, let’s face it, most people only worry about themselves anyway.

[ShabbyAbby]

I hate my smile and teeth, but so long as they are clean I smile! Life is short. And most people hate their teeth.

[DeadWife]

Didn't mean to derail but thankful for replies. Seems everywhere you look in the media now there are perfectly straight veneeers teeth.

[BadlyAgedMemes]

Posture helps me when out and about. Stand up straight, shoulders un-hunched, look up. (I never realised how hunched I usually am until I started doing yoga!) Just the act of straightening up actually seems to make me feel more confident, oddly enough. Nothing to do with my poor tits, which I'd happily hide more efficiently.

I don't find lots of smiling very natural to me, but make an effort to look at people when interacting with them, and do a kind of a half-smile, which I hope at least means I don't look actively bored and pissed off to be interacting with them.

I always used to just ask questions and pick up cues from others as to what to talk about, and while that's fine, and a lot of people do like talking about themselves, that didn't seem like the best way to make a connection. My therapist actually honed in on this at one point - how I avoided making any "unnecessary" disclosures about myself, and always tried to be very vague and non-commital about myself and my opinions. I've tried to actually talk a bit more about myself now! Not at the exclusion of questions and listening, of course, but you know, to give a bit too into the conversation. It seems to work!

[Imicola]

Small talk is just that, small. So start small and work your way up to being more talkative. I take ages to get to know someone well enough to be "chatty" with them, but I just go with small talk to begin with.
Hi. Nice /crap weather isn't it.
Keep doing this then you might find over time it becomes easier to talk more as you get used to saying hi to them. Be pre prepared with a topic or two. E.g. Do you have plans for the weekend? Do you live locally? How long have you lived in this area? Doesn't have to be anything amazing, but something that will get them talking.
I also find it easier to talk to one or two people rather than joining a group who are talking together, so perhaps look out for others who are standing alone.
And don't be put off if it doesn't work out every time, don't put too much pressure on yourself. Good luck!

[PrivateIsles]

Oh OP

You aren't failing. I think you could use what you said about arranging play dates etc as a spring board though - fake it, as PPs have said, for your DS. I think in a way if you say that to yourself, that you're doing it for him, it might make it easier to make yourself start up a conversation? It definitely did for me, I just forced myself to do it.

I still don't feel totally comfortable, but it's easier. Some good tips on here good luck

[brizzlemint]

Pretend you can do it and that it's normal - kind of fake it until you make it? I have no idea how to do this though.

[MollyHuaCha]

You don't have to show your teeth when you smile.

Most people are capable of lots of different smiley faces:

• full teeth
• half teeth
• closed mouth beam
• small smile only on left or right side
• small smile with lips closed and - eyebrows raised for a second
• small smile and a slight head turn etc.

[tierraJ]

Posture - stand tall, shoulders back, chest out, tummy in, looking straight ahead not at the floor.

A pleasant expression.

Clothes that make you feel you look good for your shape.

Looking people in the eye when you talk to them.

Believe you're just as good as others.

[AtLeastThreeDrinks]

Smiling with your eyes is more important than smiling with your teeth! It feels more natural to me to smile to people I pass with a closed mouth but happy eyes.

[Aria999]

When I was a teenager I practiced smiling in the mirror till I didn't hate the smile 😳

[TheRhythmlessMan]

😂 me too Aria

[Booyahkasha]

Yes ask loads of open questions, people generally (not me though) like to talk about themselves. Really listen to their answers. And then fake it! Don't keep apologising. Use superlatives, sound positive. Before long it becomes more natural. Honestly! x

[TheRhythmlessMan]

This might interest you OP:

Joe Moran
"Shrinking Violets: A Field Guide to Shyness"

[TheRhythmlessMan]

(Sorry I copied & pasted that from Amazon- didn't mean for it to come up with a link that doesn't work)