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Merely tactless? Or trying to rub my face in it a bit?

(50 Posts)
alltoomuchrightnow Thu 21-Feb-19 03:19:57

Didn't want to put this on AIBU as a tad sensitive right now, although prepared to accept that I AM being a bit over sensitive.
DP works in the entertainment sector (behind the scenes). This means he's away a lot. I'm used to it and proud of what he does although it's not always easy saying goodbye for what is sometimes 10 weeks at a time (although this is usually about once a year - most of the time away is a week here, two weeks there, but it adds up to a fair amount - for some periods he's away far more than he's at home..and with me working we can be ships that pass in then night when he is at home... as he does have 'at home' work too and we both work anti social hours; having said that we do make quality time for each other when we can and we do also have at least one long stretch a year where he's home for months)
The man he works for has a wife the same age as me. Last time I saw her she asked me what I did work wise. I told her and asked what she did and she said she's never worked in her life and doesn't intend to start now - looked at me pointedly and said 'of course I can't work now, if I did, I'd never see him, I wouldn't have a marriage would I, so I have no choice'...(they've been married a few years.) Knowing full well that I'm about to see DP off again for several long intervals (he's away right now with them and she's there) and that I can't join him (ie other side of the world)
For the record, I wouldn't want her lifestyle (it's not glam anyway..half the time she chooses not to go away with her partner, or joins him for short intervals as in her words, she gets bored...). I choose to work. We couldn't afford for me to long term be off work, but even if we could, I wouldn't choose that (I did have a few months off last year between jobs and did join him on some travels, which was great, but I'm someone that has always worked and don't want big gaps on my CV, also the time I was at home for I got v bored. But that doesn't make it easy spending so much time apart. We make it work, I need to be here for my job and the pets and our home. It's not ideal but we just get on with it. His work pays well and mine does not right now but I'm trying to start a new career. At times I'm a bit sad and lonely but work helps me keep busy so most of the time I'm fine, summer is good, winter not so (a bit reclusive due to where we live)
I thought I was doing ok until she made that comment.
I read this back and it seems like I'm justifying a lot to myself. I'm trying to make the best of things (when he's away in winter it's particularly tough..I'm totally alone and we live v rural) and it did feel like she was making a bit of a dig (not for the first time either) I wonder if she's trying to make a point of, well they can afford for her to join her DP (if I wasn't working , I wouldn't be able to join mine much if at all, not just money but practical reasons eg DP has different accommodation and travel to her DP for a start which would make it impossible for me to tag along)

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 21-Feb-19 03:20:27

sorry long and rambling. splitting headache and can't sleep but have not been drinking!

SneakyGremlins Thu 21-Feb-19 03:49:41

She sounds like she's having a dig at you flowers

SparkiePolastri Thu 21-Feb-19 04:03:26

Yes, it does sound like she's having a dig.

But don't you always feel a bit:


<faux concern>

<head tilt>

...for people that need to make digs?! I do.

If she was happy and content in herself and her decisions, she'd be happy for you and yours. That's how it works with your real friends, right?

If you need to make digs, you're insecure. So next time respond as if perhaps this is her way of hiding that she's a bit intimidated by you.

Of course, she may well not be - but you can still respond to her that way. winkthanks

WoollyMummoth Thu 21-Feb-19 04:05:05

What a cow. I’m guessing she’s not all that happy herself and I get the impression she’s jealous of you being far more independent than her. If your arrangement works for you ( even of it isn’t ideal and let’s face none of us have the perfect marriage!) then carry on as you are and try not to give her juvenile snide remarks headspace.

Decormad38 Thu 21-Feb-19 04:10:57

I wouldn’t invest any time worrying. You sound like you have worked your situation out so leave her to her own situation. Like other posters have said she is probably jealous or insecure or goes because she doesn’t trust him.

junebirthdaygirl Thu 21-Feb-19 04:34:19

You should be proud you have your own life and are an independent woman who can stand on her own too feet. You are doing nothing wrong. She is entitled to live her life how she wants but you have chosen your way and it sounds good.
The only thing l would look at is why ye are living in an out of the way place if it stops you from doing things you would like to do. Hopefully it isn't your dh insisting on rural life if he is not there while you are the one putting up with it.
Otherwise ignore the woman. Focus on building a great life for yourself and let her do it as she wants.

MitziK Thu 21-Feb-19 04:58:35

Whether they're a roadie, a sound tech or a performer, it's still part of the job if you want to make a living from it.

Sounds like she feels her husband can't be trusted on tour but doesn't like being there much either/resents it like hell and has expressed it in a way that sounds like a dig at you.

FWIW, I've been on tour a few times and it's bloody boring after a while, as you're cooped up with seven other people for hours on end, smelling their farts, hearing the same stories and jokes, waiting around for hours, being messed around, not being able to find anybody who knows what's going on - and then there's a massive rush to get things going. You end up wearing your Fuck Off Filter (Hoodie, hat, sunglasses, headphones) for hours, just so you don't hear the other people's voices anymore. Having to entertain a bored spouse at the same time is adding stress onto boredom, irritability, weird sleep patterns and physical tiredness.

I've spent my entire career resisting the assumption that I'm only there because I'm fucking somebody Important (which led to a fairly spectacular explosion once when I was informed very loudly that You Don't Get A Free Ticket For Fucking Somebody - I pointed to the bundle of gear behind me and asked how much refunding all their punters would cost their boss if the headliners pulled out because some officious prat had refused entry to their tech with all their instruments - but, on the rare occasion that I was actually somewhere as a WAG, it was fucking tedious (and at one, I wandered off and talked myself into a job rather than stay there any longer).

You are in a much better place than that woman is. Because you have a purpose other than to check up on your OH.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 21-Feb-19 14:25:56

I don't think her DP is one to stray, he's a lot older than her and she's his 4th wife and he's just not the type (as far as I know). I think it's more that she doesn't want to work or thinks its beneath her to.
Yes it was certainly a dig.
She's quite passive aggressive. She's gushing and all over me when I see her, v touchy feely, saying me and DP must go and stay with her and her husband etc etc.. yet then asks me to send her a FB request and then ignores it.
There's certainly a power and hierarchy thing... as in, she can travel with her DP and I can't with mine (I only go if he's staying put in one place, and if I'm not working of course) The reason being my DP is crew and goes on the tour bus. Her DP flies between gigs or gets driven. (this is just his choice.. there's a band member who is in his 70s but v down to earth and does usually go on the bus, also flies cattle class..her and her DP always go first class and she makes a huge song and dance about it..again this is not a jealousy thing as I've done all that and think it's a waste of money for a relatively short trip.. I'm fine in cattle)
Also when I was able to go away with them last year for a week, it was her neck of the woods and she was around but I never saw her once. Despite all the gushing invitations.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 21-Feb-19 14:32:55

June, he was already here for years, I moved in with him, and to be honest after years in London (and DV which I fled from - I should say I didn't come straight from there to here, I was elsewhere in between for a while) coming here was like medicine. It's rural in that no public transport etc but I have a car. It's great in summer and bleak in winter (cold old cottage). I do have a couple of friends within ten mile radius that I see when they are around. It's kind of hard to make new friends around here, I've tried but all the local groups are v child orientated as I discovered, and I'm infertile. In summer it's pretty idyllic here but I do miss him , sometimes I relish the alone time though (and a tidier house!) I like my independence and working.
Another woman once asked her what her typical day was when at home - she said she went to the M&S Food Hall every single day iwth her DH 'for something to do' as it broke the day up and got them out of the house.To me that's pretty sad, they have money to do what they want (not rich rich but comfortable) but their life is pretty dull at home. She doesn't sound fulfilled. I am working v hard in a new job which is not fun and physically exhausting but I'm so glad to have a job again, the few months out of work were stressful and demoralising, also I've met new people through it which helps with the isolation issue I had

HundredMilesAnHour Thu 21-Feb-19 14:34:13

she's his 4th wife

Red flag surely? Poor woman must be massively insecure and wondering when he'll start looking for his 5th wife.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 21-Feb-19 14:34:36

That's not a dig at my job..I don't expect a job to be fun! It's just v tiring physically, got me fitter though!

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 21-Feb-19 14:35:43

Hundred, he seems quite grounded now, he's a lot older than her, don't know if he could be arsed, he's got his hands full enough! I think she totally exhausts him so he just goes along with what she wants

sagradafamiliar Thu 21-Feb-19 14:37:49

Sounds like she's speaking her herself. Different people have different views of marriage.
Maybe she felt like she needed to justify not working? I wouldn't give it much thought.

SlinkyDinkyDoo Thu 21-Feb-19 14:39:37

Ignore her. She's having a dig for who knows what reason. She sounds unhappy.

PinkHeart5914 Thu 21-Feb-19 14:44:16

So basically she lives of him V you who works and pays her way

I know which I’d rather be and which one I want for my dd...

But Yes she sounds awesome, bet she has some many —Fake— friends

TinklyLittleLaugh Thu 21-Feb-19 14:48:24

She’s his 4th wife? Odds on he’s one to stray then.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 21-Feb-19 14:49:10

she has lots of friends who want to know him, basically, so yes, fake
She's a life and soul of the party type, DP says she does lord it up when they are away but she gets embarrassing, boobs out, drunken collapses, carried back to hotel kind of thing, this happens about once a tour, DP's words not mine, not a good look on a middle aged woman

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 21-Feb-19 14:49:57

I liked her initially, thought she was fun, but I think a lot of it is Queen Bee type fakery, which is a shame as I'd have liked a female friend for when I do go to the gigs

Springwalk Thu 21-Feb-19 15:01:08

You don’t need to justify your life to anyone op.

She may be envious of your contentment and independence. She obviously feels anything but content if she isn’t working simply to keep up with her dh travels. Sounds like an empty life to me.

I live rurally too. So know we feel the seasons more than most 🌷

Honeyroar Thu 21-Feb-19 15:03:34

She sounds pretty awful, and you shouldn't care what she thinks. Your marriage works...

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 21-Feb-19 15:10:20

DP and me aren't married although live as if we are. But separate bank accounts! We share most things inc financially but I still like separate accounts

downcasteyes Thu 21-Feb-19 15:18:14

It does sound like a dig at you. And she sounds pretty horrible, to be honest.

Don't let it throw you. Your life, your choices. What's right for one person isn't right for someone else.

I am worried, though, by the fact that you say you are feeling sad and lonely. You sound like you are potentially pretty isolated spatially too. Is there a way that you could move somewhere you could make friends to do things with while your DP is away?

cauliflowersqueeze Thu 21-Feb-19 15:20:40

She’s pathetic. Pathetic. Ignore.

florentina1 Thu 21-Feb-19 15:24:36

She sounds jealous and needy.My DH worked away from home loads throughout the first 40 years of marriage. I brought up my 3 kids and worked. We are celebrating our Golden Wedding soon and I doubt we would have made it this far without the long gaps in being together.

We are both very independent people and our relationship was stronger because we valued the times when we were together.

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