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Trigger warning * death rattle - please talk to me

(274 Posts)
TryingSoVeryHard Thu 21-Feb-19 01:06:21

NC'd for this as details are identifying. Please be kind. I've gone down a route that I know many wouldn't have chosen. Please don't tell me to go home. This is the most horrific night of my life.
My DF has been ill in a nursing home for four years with Parkinson's and dementia. A year ago DM with exactly the same conditions moved to the same nursing home after a few months of refusing to eat. DF was rapidly declining and she found it unbearable. She died 3 weeks later last March - we knew the day before that she was in the end of life stage and I stayed in her room overnight at the nursing home and was there when she died. I am very close to both parents so obviously it was extremely upsetting but I was glad I was able to be there and comfort her in her final moments.
By any standard DF should have died 18 months ago. His condition is heartbreaking. He's skeletal, cannot move, cannot communicate, bed bound, etc. Many times we've been told he's probably only got a few days but every time he shocks everyone.
As of last Sunday there is no doubt. He's at end of life. I've wanted this - he's suffered so very much and has zero quality- it's 100% what he'd want. He is the most lovely man - the staff all adore him. I hoped that after four years of suffering that his end would be peaceful and comfortable. I've been here since Sunday, staying in his room to comfort him. It's the least I can do for such a wonderful DF.
It is the absolute opposite of peaceful. He's got a syringe driver since Monday delivering end of life comfort meds - for secretions, sedative and morphine.
Since this afternoon he has the death rattle. He is distressed. That SOUND. Until you've heard it you have no idea. It's utterly horrific. I can't bear it. He's had top up injections. Nothing is touching the death rattle. I feel so selfish in saying I am sat here with earplugs in and music trying to drown out the death rattle but I can hear every rattle non stop. I am holding his hand and talking to him. He's clutching my hand tightly. I don't know what to do. I can't leave him and I won't leave him but I am so traumatised. This is Day 4 and the other days have had their moments but generally been ok and suffering has calmed. This is not improving. The rattle is horrific - I simply don't know what to do with myself while watching someone I love so much die in this terrible state. I need to find a way to cope. The nurse can't help - he's at max of all meds and is just one of the unfortunates whose end of life symptoms aren't controlled.
It's the sound. Without the sound I could cope. Please, any suggestions to help me stay strong.

Shadow01 Thu 21-Feb-19 01:11:53

I have no idea what I can do to help but I couldn’t read and run.
Hand hold & flowers for you x

AlrightBabby Thu 21-Feb-19 01:15:31

I haven't got any suggestions for you my lovely, but I have got a whole load of empathy. Stay strong, safe in the knowledge that you cared right till the very end thanks

Dreamzcancometrue Thu 21-Feb-19 01:15:38

Excuse my ignorance, but what is a death rattle??

Changedmename1234 Thu 21-Feb-19 01:17:10

I’m so sorry you are losing your df. I sat with mine at the end of dementia too, and his passing was genuinely a release, I could not mourn him being free of that terrible disease and all it had robbed him of.
With regard to what you are hearing, I took this from a website that helped me, I find comfort in science, the message is very clearly that the rattle is not distressing to him.
I hope the end is peaceful for you both. I told dad it was ok to go, that seemed to help him 💐💐

While the death rattle can be very hard for family members to listen to, it is a normal end-of-life event that is not uncomfortable for those who are dying. It may be hard to believe that the death rattle is not uncomfortable for a person, especially when it occurs in a person who is awake or semi-conscious. Studies have found repeatedly, however, that the death rattle is not uncomfortable Studies have found that people who experience a death rattle while dying do not have any difference in respiratory distress than those who do not have a death rattle. Likewise, the severity of the death rattle (how loud and uncomfortable it sounds) does not correlate with the amount of respiratory distress a dying person is experiencing.

In contrast to the dying person, however, the death rattle can be very uncomfortable for loved ones who are present. In one study, at least 66 percent of loved ones of a person dying found that listening to the death rattle is highly distressing.

If family members are distressed, there are medications that can be used to dry up some of the excess secretions that contribute to the death rattle. It's important to state again that research has concluded that the death rattle is not something which is uncomfortable or frightening for the person who is dying. It is a normal and common part of the dying process, and your loved one does not feel like she is suffocating when she breathes this way. In addition, the antisecretory agents that are prescribed for the death rattle do not often decrease the sounds. Having an awareness that the death rattle is common and not uncomfortable is probably the best treatment.

YouBumder Thu 21-Feb-19 01:18:24

I pray that his - and your - suffering is eased soon x


Toffeewhirl Thu 21-Feb-19 01:19:22

Another handhold. I sat with my grandmother whilst she was dying and it was really hard not to run away. I don't think you can do anymore than you're doing already, which is being there for your dad and showing how much you love him. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Ookmybanana Thu 21-Feb-19 01:21:27

I'm so sorry for you and for your DF. Like pps, I can't really offer anything in the way of a practical suggestions for lessening what must be a heartbreaking sound for you.

Ookmybanana Thu 21-Feb-19 01:22:44

Sorry, posted too soon.
But I want to reach out and give you a hug. X

Floralnomad Thu 21-Feb-19 01:23:03

You have my deepest sympathy , we lost our mum on Saturday very suddenly after a short illness and I’m very grateful that she had, what I considered , a peaceful death . I hope your dad finds his ending soon , stay strong 💐

myrtleWilson Thu 21-Feb-19 01:24:23

I'm so sorry OP - its a horrible situation - I've been in it twice with my mom and one of my younger sisters.

But the "death rattle" was really excellently explained on this weeks podcast by YouMeandtheBigC - a palliative expert explained how actually the patient is such a deep sleep - almost a coma - that the secretions are lying in their throat, but because of the coma state there is no desire to cough and clear. So there is no distress to the patient.

When my sister was dying she seemed agitated/distressed. In reality she wasn't but the hospice staff took on board the impact this was having on her family and changed meds accordingly.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls Thu 21-Feb-19 01:26:12

@Changedmename1234 what a truly compassionate post x

@TryingSoVeryHard use your breath to anchor you ... this will pass and you will both be relieved of your suffering.

To echo @Changedmename1234 your DF will not be in any pain when his time comes, the brain floods the body with endorphins.

Hand holding with you thanks

Spartak Thu 21-Feb-19 01:28:47

I worked in elderly care for a while and the death rattle is the most awful sound. I agree with the information that 1234 has posted - it is much more distressing for loved ones than the person who is dying.

Can you maybe play some of your Dad's favourite music to block out some of the noise? He may still be able to hear things around him.

You are so strong for staying with him these past few days, I'm not sure that I could do it. He knows that you are there for him x

myrtleWilson Thu 21-Feb-19 01:29:55

Sorry OP - posted too soon.

But it is distressing to hear but please do reassure yourself that its not causing them distress.

If you want to listen to Kathryn talking about this - its on this podcast from about 1 hour and 6 minutes in. if you decide to listen I hope it gives you some comfort

But hugs and flowers to you regardless - it is a really hard thing to experience but I hope that you know you're giving your DF such devoted care.

Hollywhiskey Thu 21-Feb-19 01:29:58

My mum is a palliative care nurse and she's seen many deaths. If he's on a syringe driver and morphine he won't be frightened or uncomfortable. He'll be floating on a cloud that'll just take him away. She describes his experience as that he'll just forget to breathe at the end.
Sorry it's so awful for you but honestly your dad won't be aware of it. My sympathies to you x

Inthemane Thu 21-Feb-19 01:33:23

I’m so sorry you have to go through this. This happened when my Mum died, it is a terrible sound. I had not been warned about it and it was very distressing at the time. Afterwards having read about it, something someone wrote suck with me - the body is an engine and as it prepares to let go it enters an automatic state.

The information that Changedmename1234 posted above should also be helpful (I wish I had known this at the time).

Your Dad sounds like an amazing person and he’s a fighter, raging against the dying of the light. You’re doing the best, bravest and most loving thing by bearing witness to his death.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 21-Feb-19 01:43:26

huge ((((hugs)))) for you, it is a very distressing sound indeed.
I heard my paternal grandmother on her last day, but as it was taking her a lot longer to pass than the hospital originally thought (they called us at 5am), my father sent me away again until she actually did pass (about 6pm). And that's nothing in comparison with the length of time that you have been there already.

We were spared it with my mother because she was ventilated; but they did give her a large bolus of morphine in the early hours to try and ease her passage - which it did, I'm thankful to say, as she was in pain and suffering too.

I hope that your father passes quickly now for you and him both - but I hope also that the information given above has at least relieved your mind in terms of his suffering just now.

Much love and strength to you - it's a very rough time for you, and I hope you have support outside when things come to an end. thanks xxx

NoShitHemlock Thu 21-Feb-19 01:45:50

Another hand hold here from me OP. I lost my dad just over 3 years ago and he had the death rattle just for a few hours. We have a huge family and everyone just wanted to be with him, but he remained private to the end - he waited until he was alone to leave us (he died at home, so family were all in the house). I often think about him being on his own when he passed, and I wish I had been in the room with him, but the stubborn bugger just wanted peace and quiet to go (he had been looking for peace and quiet for most of his life - this is what happens when you have a family of daughters!).

Yes, this is hard. It is one of the hardest things you have ever had to do. But you are doing this last thing for your dad and he knows and loves you for it. flowers

Nofilter Thu 21-Feb-19 01:49:50

Nothing to offer but hugs. You can and will get through this. Xxx

TryingSoVeryHard Thu 21-Feb-19 01:56:42

Thank you so much for all your kindness. Changedmename that was very helpful to read. As have been everyone's comments. Floral I am so sorry you've so recently lost your DM. So sorry for everyone who's experienced this difficult end and any end. I appreciate all the kind words as I'm so alone here.
I am here on my own - my DH is at home as we have DC 10 and 12. During the day the carers take care of me too and sit with us when they can (one even stayed 2.5 hours after her shift ended earlier this week as she's so fond of Dad), but at night they don't - I guess they're on low staff ratios and they don't know me like the day staff. I'm here at least 5 times a week usually and now I've moved in since Sunday. In a lighter moment as I was roaming the corridor in my PJs earlier while DF was being repositioned I heard a carer ask the nurse if they had a new resident while looking at me. I'm 50.
I don't think I can possibly sleep tonight - the sound is unbelievably loud and I know what it represents. I've popped a fan on for white noise but it barely muffles it and really I want to hear if things change.
For his sake I seriously hope he can let go soon. I've told him he can go, I've encouraged him to go to Mum but he's fighting and fighting.
I was with both my Nana and DM when they passed - it was nothing like my poor DF is enduring.

PissOffPeppa Thu 21-Feb-19 01:57:23

Oh OP I’m so sorry flowers My grandma had dementia and the last 18 months of her life were exactly as you describe- skeletal, unable to talk, unable to move at all, unable to eat or drink. It’s horrific to go through for everyone involved.

Trust that you’re doing the right thing. Please don’t feel guilty about your emotions- it’s completely normal to feel this way. Don’t forget yourself in all of this. I know you’re trying to do the right thing by him but you need to think of yourself too.

I was talking about this exact thing with somebody yesterday who sat with her mother at the end of her life. She told her mum that it was ok to go, that she didn’t need to hang on. She also told her that she was going to leave the room to get a cup of tea for 20 mins. When she came back, her mother had passed. It’s often the way- as a PP said above (and in my own experience)- that people wait until they’re alone. Of course you know what your dad would want, but don’t be afraid to take a few minutes to yourself if you need to.

Hearing is the last sense to go. Keep telling him you love him, keep talking. When my grandma was dying, I read her favourite book to her. If you do need some time away, tell him where you’re going and how long you’ll be. You’re doing so well.

Sending you all my love xx

TryingSoVeryHard Thu 21-Feb-19 01:59:03

P.s I will seek counselling when this is over. This is traumatic and I think such an ending adds to my feelings. I'm feeling frustrated that he's not able to let go. Haven't grieved properly for DM as I've tried to stay strong for DF.

Changedmename1234 Thu 21-Feb-19 02:01:43

What Hemlock said really resonates with me too. I was so tired with my dad that I was sat kind of to the side of him with my head on his bed next to his back just listening like you are now and I dropped off to sleep. It was like he was waiting, as soon as I fell asleep, he went. I read afterwards and there’s lots of similar stories. I really believe my dad was trying to protect me right to the end. Perhaps if you can, give him 5 minutes alone, tell him you understand if he is waiting for you to go, that you love him and that it’s ok to go, then go for a breather 💐💐

Myfoolishboatisleaning Thu 21-Feb-19 02:02:14

New resident 😁you haven’t lost your sense of humour and that will help you in the coming days. So very very sorry for you, but will echo what a pp said, it does sound distressing, but he will not be distressed. I hope you both find peace.

LuckyLou7 Thu 21-Feb-19 02:03:30

Oh you poor woman. My heart goes out to you and I pray your dad will soon be at peace. Look after yourself. flowers

TryingSoVeryHard Thu 21-Feb-19 02:06:22

Thank you PissOffPeppa - I've had to leave the room a few times to get tea, food etc, including tonight and I always tell him in case he wants that opportunity but when I come back I can hear the rattle from the corridor.
Just found diazepam in my bag so have taken one of those - they were prescribed just before DM died but I've still got most. I hope they'll help me get through tonight.
Zero chance of sleep - nothing blocks this noise so wondering now how I'll get through tomorrow.
For the PP who asked what death rattle is, it's terminal secretions. Dad has a serious chest infection anyway, probably pneumonia, and the secretions are saliva, mucus, etc and each breath sounds like liquid being sucked down a drain very very noisily. But it's constant gurgling, bubbling, crackling, and it's on a human. Think of the nastiest wettest cough you've heard and think of that every breath. It's utterly heartbreaking.

Hidingtonothing Thu 21-Feb-19 02:12:07

Another hand hold here OP, I hope it makes you feel a little less alone. Wishing you and your DF peace flowers

TryingSoVeryHard Thu 21-Feb-19 02:13:57

Nine hours now of the death rattle. I coped at first.

bethandfreyaruby Thu 21-Feb-19 02:20:21

I am so sorry for your difficult situation. Hoping your Dad finds his peace soon, and you have all the support you need to get through these next few days. Sending you love OP thanks

mathanxiety Thu 21-Feb-19 02:22:31

Just sending you ((((xxx)))) and hoping you will get through today ok.


TryingSoVeryHard Thu 21-Feb-19 02:31:41

Thank you everyone - you've no idea how much it all helps to feel less alone tonight.
There's a spare empty room here I've been offered so I might go in there once the day staff are on to sleep a little. They'd check Dad v regularly so
I'd feel reassured they'd fetch me if anything changed.

wheresthehope Thu 21-Feb-19 02:31:48

I am so sorry flowers

KavvLar Thu 21-Feb-19 02:32:22

You are doing brilliantly. It must be so hard and I’m sorry.

If it gets too much there is no shame in stepping out for a bit, you don’t have to do this all yourself in what is turning out to be an unusually distressing situation even in the circumstances. You can always return.

If it helps, would you like to speak about your dad and any good memories you have?

adrienneJ Thu 21-Feb-19 02:34:29

Its a horrible sound that is difficult to bear, I know exactly what you're going through, and it seems to last forever. Thankfully it is an indication that it's nearly over, and although terrible to witness now you will probably be thankful you spent this time with him at the end.

Also the nurses should have told you that it is the morphine that causes the worsening of this noise in the throat and that although it sounds far from peaceful, for those suffering from it, it isn't considered a painful or particularly uncomfortable way to go and its usually more painful to be the ones watching than those dying. I hope you take some comfort from this as its never an easy position to be in. Best wishes.

ohtheholidays Thu 21-Feb-19 02:35:48

Another one offering a hand to hold if you want it TryingI've lost my Mum and then my Dad,my Mum was in hospital when she passed and she was very ill like your DF,I'd never heard of the death rattle but it sounds bloody heart breaking,my Mum really wasn't with it near the end and was on the same medication as your DF but a couple of days before she passed I sang her some of Ave Maria,she loved that song and I'd never sung it to her before but her eyelids fluttered and she had a small smile fill her face so I agree with the PP about music sometimes it can bring comfort to you both.

I'm so sorry for what your both going through,it's not fair but your DF is very lucky to have you there with him you are being extraordinarily brave and I hope you know that.

I bet both of your parents,your DH and your DC all feel very lucky to have you in they're lifes.

I hope you manage to get some rest,love and best wishes being sent your way from me flowers

RomanyQueen1 Thu 21-Feb-19 02:38:07

I'm so sorry and I hope the end comes soon as he is ready, bless him.
You are such a lovely person and you couldn't have done anymore.
My parents went within a short space of each other and when I was with Dad at the end I went for a break and he took that time to die.
The nurses said it was quite common, so please if it does happen if you pop out, it's out of your control.
Sending you hugs at such a difficult time thanks

LittleMissEngineer Thu 21-Feb-19 02:40:56

Hang in there OP. You are doing amazingly.

I lost my Mum in August. I wasn’t there in the end - she kept rallying and it wasn’t obvious - but she suffered horribly for much of the 10 months before she died. You are doing everything possible and I hope that brings you comfort.

Sending many hugs.

Historydweeb Thu 21-Feb-19 02:41:44

Tell us about your Dad OP, I'm sure he is so proud of you. What can you remember that sticks out? Can we help you celebrate his life? flowers

TryingSoVeryHard Thu 21-Feb-19 02:44:05

I have so many good memories Kavlarr - he's my hero. He's got a fabulous sense of humour. We're very fortunate that the dementia hasn't changed his personality - he's stayed kind and polite - sadly not everyone does as dementia can change personalities. Dad was a peacemaker and a fixer. Very modest - for years I didn't know he was selected for the British Olympic team for Melbourne in (I think) 1956. He was a waterpolo player. Due to very serious injury he couldn't go. Him and Mum had the happiest marriage - when she passed their old neighbour wrote to say that of an evening him and his wife would sit and listen to my parents laughing all night together through the wall.
So they both had happy lives which they're very fortunate in. Sadly what dementia has taken from him was his absolute worst nightmare when he was fine. This has gone on way way too long. And now his death is long. Although I realise the death rattle does not signify pain, he has had periods of significant pain. He never shows pain if he can help it. But he's been grimacing, gritting his teeth and making inhuman noises. It's devastating. I hope he can be released soon with all my heart.

redcaryellowcar Thu 21-Feb-19 02:51:23

What an amazing daughter you are, your df is blessed to have you with him. I'm sorry you are going through this and that you can't even rest properly. Will keep you in my thoughts.

KavvLar Thu 21-Feb-19 02:58:04

He sounds like a really good guy.

Am praying hard that he finds peace soon and there’s no pain in between.

Please don’t be hard on yourself. You sound lovely and you are doing the best you can.

TryingSoVeryHard Thu 21-Feb-19 03:01:30

Thank you so much and sending love to those who've gone through difficult losses.
The last 3 nights I've been on the floor on a mattress next to his bed. My bed is made tonight but it's not possible to sleep. I have slept the other nights, aware that I might wake up and he'd have passed.
They've just given another injection to try to help.

TryingSoVeryHard Thu 21-Feb-19 03:04:32

He's aware I'm here - if I move away he holds tighter onto my hand. And when I leaned across him twice with my face next to his he tried to kiss my cheek.

Alsohuman Thu 21-Feb-19 03:09:51

I really feel for you. I sat with my mum for days and it's so draining. In the end both my son and I told her it was time to go, that we'd be fine without her and would look after one another. She slipped away about an hour later. I hope your dad finds peace very soon. 💐

Time40 Thu 21-Feb-19 03:33:18

Haven't grieved properly for DM as I've tried to stay strong for DF

Me neither. It's tough. Hang on in there, OP. My thoughts are with you, and I hope it's over soon.

TryingSoVeryHard Thu 21-Feb-19 03:40:53

I've told him several times that it's fine to go.
Thank you all. The second injection hasn't helped at all. He seems comfortable now though so I think the upset is in what I know it signifies.
With a diazepam, earplugs and a fan pointing at my ears (white noise) I'm going to try and get a snooze in. Or I'll be useless tomorrow to him.
Thank you so much, I am so grateful to you all for every word helping me get through this night. I will update.

Alsohuman Thu 21-Feb-19 03:50:36

Hope you manage some sleep. You must need rest very badly. 💐

KavvLar Thu 21-Feb-19 04:03:59

Yes I hope you can get a little bit of rest. Thinking of you.

OnceUponAGiraffe Thu 21-Feb-19 04:07:50

Joining in the night watch x I hope you can rest.

Triglesoffy Thu 21-Feb-19 04:08:39


WaitrosePigeon Thu 21-Feb-19 04:31:41

I can’t really add to what’s already been said but you are a wonderful daughter and your Dad is so lucky to have you.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername Thu 21-Feb-19 04:35:00

Another one here thinking of you in the darkest hours.

littlemissalwaystired Thu 21-Feb-19 04:48:56

Sending you and your dad so much love during this difficult time. You sound like the kindest, most amazing daughter - how lucky for him to depart this earth knowing how loved he is. Take care of yourselfthanks

Seahorseshoe Thu 21-Feb-19 04:51:25

Oh lovely - I hear you. I sat with my DF as he was dying. I have to admit, I left the room and went home straight away after he had passed. It took all my strength not to leave whilst he was struggling. Once I knew he'd gone, I was out of there. I have no regrets on that front, looking back, I'm glad I stayed.

Try and step out if you need too, even on a chair, outside the door for a breather, a break.

You sound like a brilliant daughter.

It's not easy. 💐💐💐 x

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 21-Feb-19 05:18:10

When my father died I thought the rattle was to do with having cancer, which had spread to his lungs causing secondary lung cancer. I was a child at the time. I actually find the sound comforting as it means the person is near the end and will soon be released from their suffering. Idk if you could reframe your feelings in this way.

I’m so sorry you’re suffering. The waiting is the worse bit as you know. I hope you’ve managed to get a little sleep. flowers]

Shoveitupyourbum Thu 21-Feb-19 05:39:27

Thinking of you. You sound like a lovely daughter flowers

FenellaMaxwell Thu 21-Feb-19 05:45:17

Sending you strength. He’ll be at peace soon, and it really won’t be distressing him now. flowers

vivariumvivariumsvivaria Thu 21-Feb-19 06:04:44

Another random stranger wanting to reassure you that your DF will be totally unaware of the rattle. He's so relaxed that he can't be bothered to clear his throat.

Hang in there

MyOtherProfile Thu 21-Feb-19 06:08:09

So sorry. So lovely your df has you there.

StealthPolarBear Thu 21-Feb-19 06:14:36

Oh op how awful for you. I hope this ends soon. Your dad sounds wonderful x

OrdinaryGirl Thu 21-Feb-19 06:15:20

Hand to hold here OP too.
Thinking of you. Awful lot of Mumsnetters at your side in the aether. 💗

Springwalk Thu 21-Feb-19 06:34:35

My heart goes out to you and to your df. Play music and do whatever you need to do to get through this.
I am so sorry.

itshappened Thu 21-Feb-19 06:37:58

Hope you managed to get some rest. I also found it distressing hearing the death rattle when my dad died. He was groaning and I thought this was because he was in pain and was also frightened, despite the syringe driver pumping him full of the end of life medication. I have since read Kathyrn mannix's book 'with the end in mind', and found her description of the stages of dying very reassuring. She would suggest that your father is unconscious and totally unaware of needing to swallow.

Anyway I hope your father drifts off gently this morning with you by his side. Be kind to yourself, losing parents is a terrible thing to go through no matter what age we are.

frumpety Thu 21-Feb-19 06:39:40

So sorry you and your Father are going through this flowers

It might be worth asking the nurse if she can contact the GP this morning and see about increasing doses in the driver or changing to other medications, if you are concerned that he is distressed at all. It is very unlikely he will be.

MaybeitsMaybelline Thu 21-Feb-19 06:41:57

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry, sat here with tears rolling.

I hope you and your dad had a few hours peace last night and neither of you have to ensure this for much longer. 💐

isthismylifenow Thu 21-Feb-19 06:43:22

I am so sorry Trying.

Thoughts with you. It seems you have a very special bond with your father and this is heartbreaking to read so I can only begin to imagine what you are going through.


LadyOfTheCanyon Thu 21-Feb-19 06:43:44

Oh my love. Hang in there. You're doing a wonderful thing, even though you feel like it could end you. I was there when my Father died so I know some of what you're going through.

They are there for us at the start of our lives and we are there at the end of theirs. It's a big old circle.

They say hearing is the last sense to go, so talk to him if you can, he'll know you're there on some level.

Sending you love.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Thu 21-Feb-19 06:46:34

Another randomer thinking of you. I was with the MacMillan angel when mum went. Luckily the injection calmed the rattle, but other things made it hard to be in the room. It feels like eternity, but he'll be peaceful soon. You take care of yourself. I ŵent home, had a hot shower, a walk, coffee and cake, then slept for hours. Xxx

MakeItAmazing Thu 21-Feb-19 06:51:24

I'm so sorry for you.

Some of these posts have had me in tears.

I don't have parents but I'm pleased for all that do even though it's heart breaking that you've lost them.

Take care of yourselves flowers

Damnpeskykids Thu 21-Feb-19 06:54:03

Oh @TryingSoVeryHard I'm sat here in tears after reading your post, sending a virtual handhold & hug to you. I lost my mum nearly 3 years ago the night she died she had the rattle (she had terminal lung cancer so wasn't unusual to hear coughs/rattles etc) but this was different. I went in a few times to check on her in the night & when I went in about 5.30 she'd passed not long before.
I truly hope your dad passes peacefully soon for you, it's so hard.
And thankyou @Changedmename1234 for your post can't explain how it's helped me understand xx

cantstopeating01 Thu 21-Feb-19 07:00:01

Good morning Trying. I have been there too in similar circumstances and I found it all so traumatic and I had my brother with me while my dad went through what your dad did . In the nicest possible way I hope the dawn has led your dad to a peaceful passing. It often does.

I felt I needed counselling too after it but I never got it . You please do and talk to someone about it . Will think of you today x

TheJobNeverEnded Thu 21-Feb-19 07:00:28

flowers I am so sorry for you and your poor Dad.

Sitting watching a loved one die like that is horrific. I don't think that it can be conveyed to anyone who hasn't been through it.

My Mum died in similar circumstances surrounded by her children and we told her it was okay to go and unbelievably she did.

I truly hope that this will be short lived for you.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Thu 21-Feb-19 07:09:37

I'm so sorry op. My thoughts are with you. Your dad is lucky to have such a wonderful daughter. flowers
I was with my mum when she passed away. Being devastated goes with out saying. However it was also a relief. Also the feeling of peace and tranquility in the room after her passing was indescribable. It seems very odd to say it, about the time you lost your mum, but. I wish I could bottle up that feeling

notyourmummy Thu 21-Feb-19 07:10:44

Thinking of you and your dad, he will know you're there and will be comforted by it, even though it's so distressing for you.

Flowerypig Thu 21-Feb-19 07:21:27

I’m so sorry to hear you and your dad are going through this. My dad passed at end of october with pneumonia due to his psp ( a Parkinson type disease). He had the rattle despite syringe drivers and suction and everything. He died at home with me, my mum and brother there. Is just so so hard. I know he was aware we were there- and i’m Sure your dad is too. I hope he’s able to pass peacefully knowing you’re there supporting him. Sending love.

imanoldbattleaxe Thu 21-Feb-19 07:24:58

No words except I'm sorry you're going through this, what a lovely thing to do for your father though. He will leave one woman he loves to join another xx

thewinkingprawn Thu 21-Feb-19 07:25:15

I hope you got some sleep. I just wanted to say what an amazing man your dad sounds. When I and my DH die and if my children speak half the way you have about your DF I will consider it a life very well lived.

Borntobeamum Thu 21-Feb-19 07:26:18

So sorry to read this.....💕

DustyMaiden Thu 21-Feb-19 07:27:16

On a practical note, can you get the Medical professional dealing with the syringe to add something to dry the mucus. Also to clean his airways.

God bless you

fizzandchips Thu 21-Feb-19 07:28:12

Your dad sounds lovely and he will take such comfort knowing you are with him. I hope you managed some sleep. Thinking of you OP.

FusionChefGeoff Thu 21-Feb-19 07:36:05

I really hope I can do the same for my parents when the time comes. You sound amazing OP.

I hope he leaves soon and that you can start the grieving process. Counselling sounds like a very good idea.


MrsFrankDrebin Thu 21-Feb-19 07:40:23

I don't post often, OP, but like so many others who have posted before me, I'm thinking of you at this awful time.

My mum died of complications due to Parkinson's and dementia 6 months ago. It was a living hell for her - 'my mum', the one I'd known my whole life, had already gone, the 'essence' of what made my mum who she was had been stripped out by the Parkinson's. She couldn't talk, didn't know who I was sometimes, and was so thin that... well, you know.

She's out of that living hell now, and I can't be sad about that, but it's been harder than I ever thought it would be.

I'm so sorry for your situation OP. Your dad knows you're there - it won't feel like it now, maybe, but when it's all over and you have time to reflect, there will be a lot of comfort in you knowing he knew you were there too. flowers

MorticiaAddamsIsMyStyleGuru Thu 21-Feb-19 07:45:27

Sending you love and strength to get through this last stage. You have been incredible. Don't forget that. 💐

dancinfeet Thu 21-Feb-19 09:08:56

Thinking of you OP, you have been so strong. Love to you and your wonderful dad flowers , thinking of you x

MadgeMidgerson Thu 21-Feb-19 09:12:19

I was with my grandfather when he died and he went through this.

It is really hard and you are doing an amazing thing

He does not need you to listen to the death rattle, just to be with him - wear earplugs or listen to music if you need to.

All love to you- it was awful but in retrospect I am glad I was with him xx

Budsbegginingspringinsight Thu 21-Feb-19 09:17:15

OP, having fine the same thing myself all I can say is, we need too be able too choose when we die.

It's beyond cruel too force people too die in this way.
There's no way on this earth I want too end up so vulnerable like that for year's!!

It's awful we need to change the law,in other countries legislation is in place too facilitate civilised and humane end of life

Babyroobs Thu 21-Feb-19 09:23:00

Hi Op . I have worked as a palliative care Nurse for 15 years and I know how distressing this can be. I think it is true when they say it is worse for the relatives than it is for the patient. Once all drugs have been maxed out then all that can sometimes help is gentle suction ( if they have that in the nursing home) and repositioning regularly. The suction can appear distressing but in some situations can be helpful. I'm sorry yu are going through this.

Oddsocksandmeatballs Thu 21-Feb-19 09:25:29

I sat with my dad as he died and I have sat with others in my job as a paediatric hospice care worker and nothing ever prepares you for how difficult it is flowers. I hope you have managed to get some rest and that your dear, beloved dad is soon at peace.

Hot4Holes Thu 21-Feb-19 09:27:54

Just wanted to send some love op.
The best thing you can do is just focus on getting through each hour/day/week. It will become a blur but keep on stepping forward and getting through it.

Your poor dad sad hope he finds his peace soon x

chillychicken Thu 21-Feb-19 09:34:53

The death rattle is very distressing, I agree.
I thought I could cope with death - my wonderful Grandad had a long, but peaceful death. No death rattle, just a slow down in breathing until he eventually stopped.
My amazingly strong MIL died from cancer. Nothing could ever prepare me for her final 12hrs. I thought it would be like my Grandad's death but it wasn't. Instead it was harrowing. I couldn't cope with the noise at all. I had to keep leaving the room, but also had to be there for my DH, my SIL and FIL.

I'm not going to tell you to go home, I'm just going to give you a huge virtual hug because there is nothing I can say which will make this any easier on you xx

DowntonCrabby Thu 21-Feb-19 09:43:22

Thinking of you this Morning OP. Reach out for any support you need for yourself, from the home staff of DH/friends.
I hope he and you have a more peaceful time today. flowersflowers

SinkGirl Thu 21-Feb-19 09:47:02

Sending lots of love - watching my mum die was so painful. When she got sick I just wanted her to survive as long as possible, but over time that shifts to wanting their pain to be over as soon as possible. As distressing as it is for us, the medications mean they are at peace. You are doing the best thing you can by being there x

Zoflorabore Thu 21-Feb-19 09:47:17

Thinking of you and your dear dad op. We're going through a similar hell with dgm
and just want her suffering to be over.
She's stubborn though so will likely decide when!

It's the hardest thing in the world to watch but I loved what a pp said that he will leave one woman he loves to join another.
Beautiful words and very trueflowers

pinkhousesarebest Thu 21-Feb-19 09:48:13

I hope this day brings you some peace OP. I sat with my Fil and DM who had Parkinson's and Dementia respectively. My Dm was quick but my Fil just hung on- he was a big, strong man with the heart of a lion. Whilst reading this, I have started to think about those nights and realized I have never processed them really. I have stuck them in a drawer somewhere ( am very good at this).
Thinking of you with all my heart.

CormoranStrike Thu 21-Feb-19 09:50:39

You are not selfish at all.

Be kind to yourself.

If possible get a rota of other visitors, or give yourself time off.

CormoranStrike Thu 21-Feb-19 09:52:44

Oh, and if his guttural sounds are louder then ask for his pain relief to be increased.

Is he still being fed?

Crockof Thu 21-Feb-19 09:54:56

Just sending you the biggest hug. What an amazing man to have brought up such a wonderful daughter.

SoupDragon Thu 21-Feb-19 10:00:17


It sounds similar to my father last year. Truly hideous.

I hope he finds peace soon.

Nicecupofcoco Thu 21-Feb-19 10:01:10

Oh op! What a wonderful daughter you are for your dad. He will know your there and will mean such alot.
Your must be feeling exhausted, be kind to your self also, try to rest if you can.
We are all thinking of you!

LilyRose88 Thu 21-Feb-19 10:01:47

Sending love and hugs to you. I went through something similar when my father died two years ago. Like your father, he was on a syringe pump for morphine and other medication. They gave him something to dry up the mucus which lessened the rattle, but it was still there. He was on palliative care from Friday morning and he passed away on the Thursday evening. I took turns with my sister to make sure he always had someone with him.

It is hard to witness, but as other posters have said, the morphine will mean that he will be comfortable and will drift away without any pain.

He is lucky to have such a lovely and caring daughter.

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