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What plans do you have for your old age? Do you expect your children to be involved as carers?

(291 Posts)
bibbitybobbityyhat Mon 11-Feb-19 20:04:33

I know it sounds like a journalisty question, but honestly it's not! I'm just a regular Mumsnetter.

My plans for my old age very emphatically include not relying on my children (who will hopefully be parents of youngish adults or teens by the time I get there) to look after me or worry about me or support me in any way.

If I'm lucky enough to get there, I expect to be living in sheltered accommodation by the time I'm 80. I plan to save enough for private carers if/when I need them, but if that can't be done, then I'll go and live in a nursing home without making my children feel guilty about it!

I had my children quite late (as my mother had me - she was 31! but old at the time) so I am aware they could be in the sandwich generation and I just don't want any extra on their shoulders.

Dimsumlosesum Mon 11-Feb-19 20:08:02

Fuck no, I most certainly do not expect them to be carers. I'm hoping we get our own version of Dignitas finally sanctioned. That's my plan.

KennDodd Mon 11-Feb-19 20:10:20

I'm with Dimsumlosesum I've always loved Switzerland.

Chottie Mon 11-Feb-19 20:12:44

No way will my children become my carers.

DP and I plan an extended holiday in Switzerland......

SnuggyBuggy Mon 11-Feb-19 20:14:52

I hope I would do almost anything to avoid my DD having to become my carer. Its hard to say whether I would prefer a home or carers, obviously depends what my needs are.

My DGF had a pretty positive experience in an old people's home. He found being in a house that was falling into disrepair very stressful and I think he felt safer knowing there were people around all the time.

OffWithThePixies Mon 11-Feb-19 20:16:43

No kids so any assistance will need to be paid for.

We intend on retiring to Poland; DH is Polish and we own two BTL apartments there. We are paying off our mortgage here, and I have a defined benefit pension. We’ve talked about the later stages, and as there is a strong history of dementia in my family, I’m keen on my own trip to Dignitas. We hope to spend it all before we go.

SnuggyBuggy Mon 11-Feb-19 20:18:05

I'm also contemplating having something out in writing to say that if I develop dementia I only want palliative care. No point dragging that out

Teabreakplease Mon 11-Feb-19 20:18:08

BBH, I couldn't agree with you more. DH and my good friend are struggling with parents refusing home help and who seem to be in denial about their health. They are happy however for their children to do a lot for them. They both have young children and challenging careers, and are getting increasingly stressed and upset. I could never do it to my DCs.

DustyMaiden Mon 11-Feb-19 20:21:17

My DGD has told be she will look after me and she will help me bath and cuddle me when I die. She is 10. I won’t let her but thought that was nice.

lljkk Mon 11-Feb-19 20:23:51

Like OP, I want to choose my sheltered/assisted living accommodation & not leave a messy house for DC to sort out. I will go willingly to the nursing facility.

Would violate my dignity a lot to know my children had to do my personal care. So maybe dementia could be a blessing of sorts.

heartshapedknob Mon 11-Feb-19 20:27:49

My loose plan is to use savings to pay for a carer when needed, up until the point when I’ve had enough then I’m another for Dignitas or the UK equivalent if it exists by then.

BarbedBloom Mon 11-Feb-19 20:32:28

No, I do not want my children to be carers and would do everything I could to prevent it

bibbitybobbityyhat Mon 11-Feb-19 20:37:14

I think I'm quite happy to live with assistance until I feel miserable.

A few months ago I was in hospital on a ward with a lot of people an awful lot older than me - they still seemed to have a quality of life and something/people to live for (it wasn't an acute ward). I think you really do have to be at the end of an incredibly long line to opt for Dignitas, so it is quite correct if there is a lot of caution about the concept. But we still need it in the UK.

AliyyaJann Mon 11-Feb-19 20:40:30

Came here to write Dignitas. Everyone's on it now haha

Fairyliz Mon 11-Feb-19 20:41:36

I am in my fifties and have seen parents and other family members pass away.
Without exception they have all expected their children to care for them and resisted carers/moving to care homes etc.
Its easy to say in your 30s/40s you will not rely on your children because ill health and old age seem so far away. However the reality is most old people do not want 'strangers' caring for them. They revert to a childlike state and only want close family around.

EverybodyLovesRaymond Mon 11-Feb-19 20:50:56

I wouldn't expect family to care for me.

My Grandma was relying heavily on my Dad and was refusing to have carers come in as she didn't like strangers in her home. Eventually she reluctantly agreed. She ended up loving the carers and spoke about them all the time.

FlagFish Mon 11-Feb-19 20:53:30

My mum is 77 and says that she wants to be put in a home if necessary rather than for me or my brother to feel obligated to care for her.

FlagFish Mon 11-Feb-19 20:53:46

I feel the same way btw.

bibbitybobbityyhat Mon 11-Feb-19 20:56:03

I'm in my 50s too Fairyliz.

How is it that we all change between our 50s and our 70s/80s?

I can project into the future and imagine how unpleasant is it to give up one's independence, but still can't believe that I would want my most loved people (my children) to carry the burden of caring for me.

Laska2Meryls Mon 11-Feb-19 21:02:32

Im 60 so hope to have quite a while yet .. but,I dont want to be in a home or have someone care for me .. My DH is opposed to Dignitas and all it stands for , but Ive told him I'm going when I want. I so I'Il be joining Exit international

museumum Mon 11-Feb-19 21:06:32

Do is an only child and we will be very careful not to burden him. My parents are only early 70s but have already moved to a flat with a sort of concierge (a step down from a warden / sheltered housing).

buckingfrolicks Mon 11-Feb-19 21:09:30

I'm back on the full fat milk and real butter having rationally decided I don't want to make very old bones. Seeing my DMIL linger and leach the vigour and joy from my DH in a care home has decided me.

MrsDilligaf Mon 11-Feb-19 21:09:41

I'm adamant that my DD will not be a carer for me or her dad. I'll gladly go into sheltered accommodation and into a nursing home if it's necessary.

And I'm another one who will go down the Dignitas route if circumstances are such that I feel it's right.

formerbabe Mon 11-Feb-19 21:11:09

Oh I'd hate for my dc to be my carers...I hope they'll make sure I'm being looked after properly though!

Bestseller Mon 11-Feb-19 21:13:54

This worries me a lot. Both for my own parents and for me.

My parents are comfortably off (as are we) but a friend's wife has just gone into a nursing home at a cost of £1400 per week. People sometimes live for years in a nursing home.... Most normal estates would be long gone. And whilst I'm not clinging on to the hope of an inheritance for myself, I would be sad if my sons' had all gone in care home fees.

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