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CF neighbour, but I feel guilty. Sorry it’s long

(124 Posts)
Guilttrippy Sun 10-Feb-19 21:26:52

Our kids go to different schools but theirs is kind of on the way back from ours if we take a detour.

A couple of weeks ago my neighbour messaged to ask if I knew anyone who could pick her kids up from school and then keep them until 4pm until she got back from work (I think her dh has started a new job). I told her straight up that I would offer but because I work evenings (albeit part time) I need to get home from school ASAP to give kids tea (3 kids) and get ready for work. Picking her kids up (2) wouldn’t be a straight job, it adds a lot of time going to another school. My 2 days off kids do after school activities.

So she asked me about a friend that lives nearby. Now this friend also has 3 kids and one is still a toddler. Her kids also go to my school. I told her it might be hard for her but asked her anyway, and gave her neighbour’s number.

So we come to today, neighbour asks me if I had asked my friend, as now both parents are finding school pick ups really hard and it’s getting very stressful for them both. I’m sure this was a stealth plea to me to help them. I replied that I was sorry to hear that and I had passed her number to friend. Then she asked me for the friend’s number 😳. I don’t know if she’s messaged or phoned her, but if someone hasn’t contacted you, that’s an obvious “no” isn’t it?

A part of me is now feeling guilty for not helping. It’s seems they’re trying to save money and not pay for after school clubs or child minders. I do go that way to pick my children up but I don’t think I’d have the mental strength to deal with 5 kids walking or in my car, and I know it wouldn’t be a short term thing. Also, if you’re applying for new jobs, surely your kids come first and you think about who’ll be picking them up/dropping them BEFORE you accept the job?

boomboom1234 Sun 10-Feb-19 21:30:31

It's not your problem. I hate when people do things like this and make nice people feel bad. Forget it and be blasé if they ask again. 100% their issue to resolve and really cheeky to keep asking.

choosingchilli Sun 10-Feb-19 21:44:59

Please don't feel guilty, some people really have no shame!

Working parents all face the same issues with childcare and we have to figure it out for ourselves. I can't believe these requests, I would never, in a million years, ask this (or agree to this).

Guilttrippy Sun 10-Feb-19 21:45:25

I know! I just think I’ll feel guilty every time I bump into them taking or bringing their kids home. If they were in the same school it might have been easier. They don’t even talk to parents nearby who actually have kids in their school. When I mentioned a lady down the road, neighbour replied she doesn’t think she can help them like they need as they need someone to stay with the kids until 4. In my head I was thinking, no one apart from a salaried childminder, nanny or baby sitter will be doing that.

SerendipityReally Sun 10-Feb-19 21:47:07

Do not feel guilty about this. Just don't. This is WAY too big an ask, especially with no end in sight, and for no money.

I would lay money that she's being a CF, rather than genuinely desperate, because she hasn't offered to pay you.

thebeesknees123 Sun 10-Feb-19 21:49:43

I had someone do this to me recently. Ive been caught so many times that I just said, 'I'm sure you'll work something out.' Ive seen them and they did but the Dad ignored me for a while

SavoyCabbage Sun 10-Feb-19 21:50:02

You have already put far more thought into this than you ever should have done. Forget it. It’s nothing to do with you. She’s trying to make it something to do with you...but it isn’t!

thefirst48 Sun 10-Feb-19 21:52:32

If her partner has started a new job and she also works they can put their hands in their pockets and pay for after school club or a childminder.

Maelstrop Sun 10-Feb-19 21:53:18

Did you give her the friend’s number? Cos I’d be very cross as your friend if you did without asking.

She needs to sort out proper childcare, a casual arrangement isn’t going to cut it.

GroggyLegs Sun 10-Feb-19 21:54:13

You don't need to feel guilty.

We'd all love a bit of free regular childcare at the end of our road. But it's not realistic. Also, do they not have any concerns about who they're leaving their kids with?! Friends of friends?! Really?

They need to move on and find reliable paid childcare, or look to change hours. This is not your problem at all.

TortoiseLettuce Sun 10-Feb-19 21:54:28

Nobody is going to babysit her kids for free every day. She’s being a CF for even asking. Even if another mum was collecting them I’d still expect a token payment if it was a regular thing.

It’s not your problem to cover her childcare. She needs to pay someone like everyone else does. Bet she’d have no trouble finding a babysitter then!

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 10-Feb-19 21:55:37

Their children, their problem. I’m sure a lot of people would prefer not to fork out for after school club but everyone plans their lives differently and they need to make choices for work and childcare that THEY take responsibility for and don’t rely on the kindness of randoms.

You can’t help. It’s not for your friends or neighbours to help out. Draw a line and don’t give it anymore headspace.

marvellousnightforamooncup Sun 10-Feb-19 21:55:43

Not your problem. Don't let them guilt trip you, forget about it. Just because you live next door doesn't mean you should bend over backwards to look after their kids.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend Sun 10-Feb-19 21:56:42

FFS. This woman isn't sparing you a second thought so stop allowing her headspace. I really hope you didn't give her your mate's number! I would be highly pissed off with you if you did this to me and I was your friend. She's a user. Users don't give a shit about other people, only how much they can take of them.

She needs to pay childcare like everyone else. Stop feeling guilty you're not being her unpaid slave at the expense of the care you give your own kids.

Guilttrippy Sun 10-Feb-19 22:02:00

Yes I did give the number without asking, but I will apologise to her tomorrow. We discussed it a couple of weeks ago and I told my friend that I’m just passing on a message and don’t feel obliged. She’d already told me she can’t do it, and I even told CF neighbour today that she’d mentioned it might be hard for her but she still wanted her number. I’ll meet my friend tomorrow on the school run and see whether she contacted her and apologise. She’ll understand I think.

Dippypippy1980 Sun 10-Feb-19 22:03:29

She is hoping strangers will be her childminder for free? Is she mad😂😂

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend Sun 10-Feb-19 22:04:26

Stop being such a lettuce! I'd be raging with you. Really hope you're friend is understanding. Your neighbour's a pisstaking bitch. You should be feeling guilty not angry. Give your head a wobble.

Guilttrippy Sun 10-Feb-19 22:08:59

No I’m pretty sure my friend will be ok if I explain how CF neighbour was asking and pushed for her number. I’m not worried about my friend.

But I’m glad it’s not only me who thinks she’s taking the piss! Can always rely on MN smile

DishingOutDone Sun 10-Feb-19 22:14:12

I’m not worried about my friend - erm yes, we noticed!

Aridane Sun 10-Feb-19 22:14:50

You should not have given out your friend's number - you are theCG!

Aridane Sun 10-Feb-19 22:15:08

CF, not CG

Level11 Sun 10-Feb-19 22:17:03

Can't believe you gave out her number. That was really out of order.

CF is now going to try to guilt your poor friend like she has you.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis Sun 10-Feb-19 22:17:38

Got to love a tryer.

Or is she a bit thick and genuinely thinks its a reasonable ask?

Also, how is it that people who have fewer kids are always asking people with more kids to help them - I think they have no clue

If it were a very good friend of mine whose kids were mates with my kids, and who would reciprocate I might offer a day a week or something if it seemed manageable.

sackrifice Sun 10-Feb-19 22:18:39

Don't give out other people's numbers for goodness sakes! Learn how to say no.

Drum2018 Sun 10-Feb-19 22:18:47

Please give your friend the heads up that you have passed on her number to your neighbour. At least that way she won't be caught on the hop if neighbour rings her and can be prepared to say no to taking her kids.
And for the love of god don't feel a shred of guilt for saying no. Even if the kids went to the same school and were best friends, it wouldn't mean you should take them. It doesn't suit you, you don't want to do it so you are right to say no - you have politely said so, so put it out of your head as her childcare issues are not yours to solve. If she brings it up again just don't engage - tell her you hope she manages to get sorted and change the subject, or run...

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