To decline a wedding invite...

[Wingingitwell]

I have a wedding invite dilemma. Myself and my husband have been invited to an out of town wedding which we would need to stay for 2 nights. I really value the friend but the invitation clearly says they can’t cater for children. I 100% respect this but my daughter will have just turned 2 and I have no childcare options for longer than the odd couple of hours.

I have considered me rsvp’ing yes and my husband declining so that he could look after our little one at home but mytoddler is very difficult and I have only ever been out once in the evening since she was born whereby she didn’t see me and my husband put her to bed. She cried for 2 hours prior to bed time and it took him 3 hours to settle her after bed. (If I was home she would have been happy for him to put her to bed) so I feel like it would be a bit unfair on both my little one and my husband to do this. The other thing we have thought of is possible them both coming away with me and staying in a hotel nearby with me popping out to settle her in the evening. But then he’d literally be dropping me at the church, driving me to the reception after the church and me getting a taxi to his hotel which would be a bit of a faff and not very relaxing/enjoyable for either of us. Plus awkward when people ask “where’s your husband” and I say “in a hotel 5 mins away”.

I guess my question is should I just RSVP saying I can’t go? Or would that be bad form? I would be sad to miss it but I guess sometimes being a mum means missing out on things. As a side note I think that me not going would be talked about in our friendship group and seen as me not putting the effort in.

I genuinely don’t know so all thoughts appreciated!

[thedevilinablackdress]

I understand your worry, but if people have a no kids wedding, some people aren't going to be able to go.
If you do go without DP and people ask where he is, just tell them he's with the DC!!

[BikeRunSki]

Could you all go and stay in a hotel nearby? Hace a family day out. You go to wedding. Return to hotel and DH/dd. Put dd to bed with DH looking after her. Return to wedding. Obviously this will depend on wedding timings, but it might help you get to some of the wedding.

[adelias]

If people won't accept kids then they need to be prepared for people not going.

[PersonaNonGarter]

Don’t go. Spend the time and money on a day out at the beach with your family. Life is too short.

[thewinkingprawn]

If you really want to go I would go. Your DD might be better with your husband this time and tbh if she’s not it would be good for her to get used to him putting her to bed. If he has to cope for a few hours I am sure he will. If you don’t want to go though just decline and say you can’t. I wouldn’t bother with the faff of him being in a hotel just in case she kicks off. If she was 2 months i would but not at the age of 2.

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

I assume the wedding is at least 6 weeks away?
Plenty of time to (try to) get your DD used to Daddy putting her to bed.
Frankly at 2, he should be capable of settling her himself.

[Iloveacurry]

Just decline. If kids aren’t catered for, they should expect some people will not be able to attend.

[Spam88]

I think you should go on your own. Your DD will be fine with her dad. Presumably you've got a few weeks for her to get used to her dad putting her to bed as well.

[Gina2012]

If your friendship group is that bitchy I'd decline the invite and find a new friendship group

Life is way too short to be messing about with idiots

[Wingingitwell]

Yeah, she’s fine with being put to bed by him in general. He does it frequently at home but she knows I’m there in the house. It was when I wasn’t home in the afternoon/evening and no sign of me at bed time that it was difficult and I can understand that as it’s a massive change from her normal routine. Husband would cope he’s very good, it’s just that I don’t necessarily like the idea of leaving them to get on with it 2 nights in a row when I know it’s likely to be difficult and unpleasant. We’d both be dreading it. If she was older it would be different, but she’s only 1 still.

Thanks for the thoughts, it’s helpful to hear different viewpoints. I’m still torn between declining and going but I guess there’s no easy answer!

[Wingingitwell]

Gina my friendship group isn’t bitchy at all. It’s just that people would definately discuss why I wasn’t there as it would be a bit awkward that I wasn’t!

[Lweji]

OOH, of course you should be able to decline for whatever reason.

OTOH, I agree that it's high time your OH is able to put his own child to bed.

[Whisky2014]

Pandering to your kid isn't going to help and this situation will be the same every time you get an invite. Time to sort it now

[Lweji]

I thought she'd be 2 by then.

When was it that you left her before?

And why can't you get her used to you being away in the afternoon or the occasional evening?
Do you really want to be stuck at home because of her all the time? How will you know when it's ok to leave her if you never do?

[Tavannach]

Your DD is older now and having had one experience of her DF putting her to bed is more likely to be able to deal with it. She knows you'll be there in the morning. Have a practice run where your DH puts her to bed and you're not in the house but you're not far away. If she copes, great go to the wedding. If not, politely declined and send a nice gift with your best wishes.

[ThanosSavedMe]

Of course you don’t have to accept a wedding invite but surely you have plenty of time for your dd to get used to you not being around.

If you don’t want to go, don’t, but don’t blame it on your dd.

[rainbowstardrops]

If you really want to go then go!!!
Your DD will be 2 and you should be able to leave them to it by now.
What if you had to go into hospital or something? They'd have to cope then!

[Hoppinggreen]

If yiu indt want to go or it’s logistically tricky then don’t go
However, it might be a good idea to start getting your daughter more used to settling for your DH in case it become necessary at some point

[greybluegeometry]

If no kids are allowed then the B&G need to be prepared that some people with kids won't be able to go.

[Wingingitwell]

He can and does put her to bed. Loads.

It’s just never really come up that I’m not there in the afternoon or at bed time. She’s 1 now and will be 2 soon. She literally was probably just really confused and distressed when I wasn’t there a couple of months ago as it was totally different.

I’m definately not stuck at home all them time. We’re busy people and I in no way feel trapped by her. I didn’t anticipate it being an issue, I just figured as she gets older she’ll be more able to rationalise. Ie if she was 6 I’d just explain the situation to her.

I did ask for people’s thougts and I meant really on etiquette as I guess I’m not really asking people’s views on her bedtime routine. All I have to do is tell her it’s bed time and she gets up and walks to her room with either me or daddy and goes to bed with no trouble. Given she’s 1 I think that’s pretty good and a lot better than a lot of people I know!

I was just asking really if it was bad etiquette to decline and if others had been in similar situations.

[IvanaPee]

You don’t have to go, of course.

To be honest though, I think you need to change the dynamic of what goes on with your dd. For all your sakes. Not for the wedding.

[PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin]

Of course you can decline but make sure you buy a card and present regardless.

[Haworthia]

I’ve declined three weddings in three years because they all required overnight stays and it was impossible with young children. Considered going alone (it was my family) but I just couldn’t be arsed. All that expense not to have DH with me.

Of course it’s not bad form. If it’s unworkable it’s unworkable.

[Floralnomad]

I’ve declined loads of wedding invites for a variety of reasons , it’s really no big deal .

[OddBoots]

I'm a firm believer that a B&G can invite who they like and exclude who they like and equally guests should feel free to accept or decline an invitation freely too.